7 manlier ways to say everyday phrases
Jason Epstein
Throughout the annals of history, the mysterious gap between the thought processes of man and woman has been filled with verbal communication. But, let’s be honest: we each have our own way of saying things. And so, we must have our own way to meet in the middle, choosing our words carefully and delicately so as not to disturb the very balance of peace between the genders. Let’s get manly with some everyday phrases you may have to say to a woman.
7 I Love You
Example: “If it was medically viable, I would be your conjoined twin.”
What She Gathers From This: Step one, complete.
What You Are Actually Saying in Your Head: The sex is great and I have feelings for her. Not all of the feelings are positive, but we’re getting there!
What You’ve Accomplished: What you have done is a great thing. You’ve professed your love! Unfortunately, you’ve also triggered a “next step” function within your girl, like some undercover sleeper agent designated to go off at some point in the near future, demanding you move in together.
6 I Don’t Know Where We Are, I Think I’ll Ask For Directions
Example: “How do we get to the Pork Overload Festival on Riker’s Island?”
What She Gathers From This: How sensible, he’s smart enough to ask for help when he needs it. Still, it would be nice if he did more research before we went anywhere.
What You Are Actually Saying in Your Head: I don’t even care at this point. That microwaved bean burrito and last night’s wings have created a class 6 bio-hazard in my stomach and I need to find me a bathroom right the hell now.
What You’ve Accomplished: Actually showing your female counterpart that your sense of direction is as shitty as hers, a big no-no. Next time, get a GPS.
5 We Need to Break Up
Example: “It’s not me…wait, yeah, it’s me.”
What She Gathers From This: He’s a loser and doesn’t deserve me anyway. Or, depending on how high she rates on the psych-o-meter, she may be planning to end your life and make it look like auto-erotic asphyxiation.
What You Are Actually Saying in Your Head: Break-up sex and freedom? I am a God among men.
What You’ve Accomplished: The start of a long, dry spell. Winter is coming and it’s not like in Game of Thrones.
4 Let’s Make Love
Example: “It’s horny time.”
What She Gathers From This: Seriously, again?
What You Are Actually Saying in Your Head: It’s about time.
What You’ve Accomplished: Channeling all your frustration, passion, aggression and hopefully love into one grandiose physical gesture that will be remembered for years to come… obviously.
3 I’m Going to a Bachelor Party This Weekend
Example: “It’s my friend’s last time to live his life the way he wants. I need to be there to make sure that he both gets and is treated for alcohol poisoning.”
What She Gathers From This: There better not be any strippers. At least, not any that are hotter than me.
What You Are Actually Saying in Your Head: Time to head to the store for condoms, Pepto and a defibrillator. It’s going to be a great weekend.
What You’ve Accomplished: Your lack of self control over the weekend will most likely bring down months of guilt-ridden anxiety on your weak conscience. At least you’re a loyal friend.
2 I Need Some Me Time
Example: “Go ahead, have a ladies night and get super weird with all your friends.”
What She Gathers From This: That’s so sweet! Time to get dressed up and have some fun!
What You Are Actually Saying in Your Head: If she gets wasted and comes back with a tramp stamp… that would be sort of awesome.
What You’ve Accomplished: Getting some free time for yourself! Now go on and do all the things you like to when you’re alone, like crying yourself to sleep because you’re so lonely.
1 Please Remember to Take Your Birth Control
Example: “Was Jesus born in BC or AD? Exactly.”
What She Gathers From This: He doesn’t want to have babies with me.
What You Are Actually Saying in Your Head: I don’t want to have babies with her.
What You’ve Accomplished: Not making a baby… for now. Rinse and repeat.
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