Money for Men: What to keep in your wallet
Kevin Brink
Before we get into what is inside your wallet, we must take some time to discuss what your wallet should look like. Under NO circumstances should a man over 19 have a Velcro wallet. Our research department is still looking into this matter, but we believe the last time a man carrying a Velcro wallet who actually got laid was in 1996. And to be fair, the woman was actually convinced that he played the little boy in Jurassic Park. Similarly, coin purses are outlawed for men unless they are inscribed with the words “Bad Motherf*cker.” Lastly, money clips are allowed, but you must have more than $3 to use them and Monopoly money does not count.
What items should never be in your wallet?
Unless you are on your way to your interview at McDonald’s, you should NEVER carry your Social Security card. If you do not have you number memorized by now, you really don’t deserve to know why this is such a dangerous practice. It is also pretty lame to keep your local barber shop loyalty card in which they punch a hole every time you go and you get the 12th haircut free, every receipt from the past six months, and random business cards that you will never use. Google “George Constanza’s wallet” for more information about this topic.
Credit cards and condoms and coins, oh my!
Having one or two credit cards in your wallet is probably a good idea. Carrying all 27 cards from every stupid bank dumb enough to approve you is not one. Even if you think that you could actually find someone that would be impressed with you whipping out your credit card collection, just think about how many phone calls and hours of elevator music you can avoid if you ever lose your wallet.
Like every Boy Scout knows, being prepared with a condom is a good idea. However, you must follow one of the lessons that I learned in a supermarket produce section — rotate your stock. Don’t keep the same condom in your wallet for more than a week as the heat and friction is not good for our latex friends.
Concerning coins, it is very simple — Men don’t use them so there is no need to have any type of coin compartment in your wallet. Have you ever seen a man give the supermarket cashier $25.04 on 23.99 purchase just to get rid of their pennies? When men get coins, they simply go in our pockets and get unceremoniously dumped onto the first flat surface at our domicile.
How much cash should you carry?
Yes it is true that more and more places, including the vending machines at your office, will accept debit and credit cards. Plus, even though there seems to be an ATM available at every corner, having some cash in your wallet can serve several important purposes. For instance, when paying the bill at a restaurant, you can score some points with your date by plopping down some crisp bills and proclaiming to your waiter that “No change will be needed tonight.” In addition, swiping your credit card in a stripper’s g-string is generally frowned upon in 49 of our 50 states.
Since the subject of how much cash a man should carry is debated fiercely, I decided to conduct a scientific research study and asked about three friends how many greenbacks they were packing. My research discovered that the average amount was almost $80. Since I almost care, I call upon Guyism nation to let me know how much you are currently carrying. Obviously, this information will only be used for research purposes and not to commit any crimes.
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