7 of the most common Valentine’s Day faux pas
Whether you like it or not, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. If you currently tout a status other than single — or are with a partner who doesn’t flinch excitedly at the date February 14th — be sure to steer clear of these blunders on this kind of-holiday.
Photo credit: Sister72, Flickr
7 Obviously get all your gifts from the nearest drug store
You blanked on the exact day (ahem, above), or procrastinated like you do with everything. And now you’re on your way to pick your girl up for a romantic dinner empty-handed. So you swing by the nearest Walgreen’s or gas station and stock up on anything that remains in the pink-and-red colored isle: Tweety Bird-covered boxes of chocolates, single roses wrapped in plastic, synthetic stuffed animals holding felt hearts that read, “I Can’t Bear To Be Without You.” Your last-minute drive by will be obvious — and insulting. Unless you can arrange your last-minute presents in a creative way (e.g. line her sidewalk with Hershey’s Kisses and tell her you “Kiss the ground she walks on.” Eye roll!), just get some flowers. Unwrap ‘em, peel off the bar code, and get drunk together.
6 Plan to go out to dinner, but don’t make a reservation
The easiest, most cliché date you can have is dinner followed by some lame rom-com blockbuster. Do it, it’s cool. Valentine’s Day falls on a Monday this year and we really don’t feel like trying that hard at the beginning of the week either. Go into the dinner-and-a-movie scenario knowing that this is exactly what every other couple is going to do though. And unless you want to gaze lovingly at each other over burritos at Taco Bell (delicious), might we suggest calling ahead and putting in your name? That’s right: Make a reso. Even at non-fancy places. Waiting 45 minutes for a booth at Olive Garden will suck all of the sexiness out of your night.
5 Gift her stripper-esque lingerie
Lots of women love some sexy-somethin’-somethin’s but rarely buy it ‘cause it’s pricey and doesn’t get as much wear as our motorcycle boots. And, duh, you want to see it on us, right? Other than some sticker shock, other obstacles could arise while picking out panties n’ such like wanting to die from feeling overwhelmed in your local lingerie store — which, by the way, is probably not a sex shop. When this occurs, don’t feel bad caving and asking for help. Find a salesperson on the floor, attempt to explain your girlfriend’s size or body type, her style (a.k.a. if she’s a goth she probably won’t dig anything pink and sparkly that smells like strawberries), and your budget, and let her do her thing. Actively avoid anything vinyl, crotch-less, or downright costume-y. This makes us feel more lady-in-the-night with a case of questionable syphilis than sexy seductress.
4 Complain about the “Hallmark holiday” constantly
It’s not really a holiday, greeting card companies made it up, down with The Man, boo capitalism, yadda yadda. Okay one, WE ALL KNOW IT’S STUPID ALREADY. And two, isn’t every holiday made up? (Jesus was born in January! Just sayin’.) If thinking about Valentine’s Day makes you want to throw up all over your black Bob Dylan shirt express that sentiment once and drop it. She might think you’re a dick but stick to your guns, kid, and know it’ll be way more annoying to continue complaining about it. That just shows you feel guilty. Annoying.
3 Attempt to talk her into anal sex
You may think a night dedicated to love and romanticism would be the perfect opportunity to convince your significant other to try something taboo. (“We’ll feel closer!”) Trust us, it’s just not the right time. This might be more appropriate when everyone’s feeling rowdy in merely a month, on the drunkest day of the year. Cue the countdown to St. Paddy’s Day!
2 Pick out carnations
They’re just f*cking ugly. Sorry.
1 Act like Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist at all
Like we tell our accidentally knocked-up friends: Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. If you loath a cornucopia of things heart-shaped, please refer back to point number four or consider being single. Yes, Valentine’s Day is kind of pointless and weird and is just an excuse for stores to pawn off a bunch of sugary pink shit that’s supposed to connote an intangibly deep human emotion. But to some people the day means something, so use it as an excuse to have a rad night with your lady.