15 of the most unnecessary movie sequels of all-time

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

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Movie sequels are the ultimate cash grab. Sure, occasionally, a sequel might serve as a necessary next chapter in a long planned out series, but usually sequels are boring, listless attempts to cash in on a hit film and cannibalize it for every last measly dime. For every Godfather II or Empire Strikes Back, those rare sequels that not only match the original films but also arguably surpass them, there are hundreds of limp and terrible sequels, unwanted bastard children of the original films who are left to float around in the streets of our collective conscious, useless and pitiful. It is these horrible wretches to which this list is devoted. They are the worst of the worst. They are the most unnecessary film sequels ever made.

15 Cruel Intentions 2
Originally conceived as a television pilot called Manchester Prep, this prequel to Cruel Intentions was deemed so crappy that not even Fox would air it. But that didn’t stop the producers who cobbled together whatever footage they had and put together this soul sucking waste of time. The movie is most notable because it stars a young and presumably desperate Amy Adams. It’s also notable for being a pile of crap.

14 Basic Instinct 2
Basically (Ha, see what I did there? Huh? Huh? Eh.) the only reason this movie was made was so that Sharon Stone could make a bunch of money and so desperate losers everywhere could ogle her middle aged boobs. Michael Douglas is nowhere to be found, but to be fair to the producers, casting him would have meant the movie would have to be set in a nursing home, and kinky as that would no doubt be, nobody needs to see that.

13 Caddyshack II
The original was a lot of fun, so hey, what the hell, why not do it again? Not a bad idea. Well, at least until you consider that nobody involved with the original film – with the notable exception of the shameless Chevy Chase –- wanted anything to do with this turd. So why bother making it? Who knows? The only thing that I can figure is that the producers were actually time travelers from 50 years before, which was the last time anyone thought Jackie Mason was funny.

12 Teen Wolf Too
Now what in the hell was the point of this abomination? I’m assuming that the movie was planned with Michael J. Fox in mind, but as soon as he hung up the phone on them there was no reason to continue down the terrible path that led to a young Jason Bateman inexplicably playing a boxing werewolf. It was basically just a crappy remake of the original more than anything, although you have to almost admire the incredible laziness involved. They could have kept the concept up forever -– a wrestling werewolf, a breakdancing werewolf, an opera singing werewolf, etc. — but let’s just be thankful that it ended when it did otherwise we would have no doubt eventually been subjected to the sad site of a werewolf with Parkinson’s, and that would just ruin everyone’s day.

11 The Next Karate Kid
What can really be said about a movie that Ralph frickin’ Macchio won’t appear in? Apparently even he decided that it was a little too creepy for a 30 something Daniel-San to be hanging around with an elderly old Japanese dude who magically rubs Daniel-San back to health whenever anything goes wrong. So who do you replace Daniel-San with? A teenage girl played by Hilary Swank, of course. Now instead of cavorting with a younger man, Miyagi spends his days corrupting a young girl. I’m assuming that the scene where Chris Hanson catches Miyagi showing up at her door with a six pack of Zima was cut out. It was a family film, after all. A family film that should never have been made.

10 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
Sure, the original was a lot of fun, but who gives a crap how Harry met Lloyd? This is one of those classic cases of a sequel that should have been scrapped as soon as the original stars laughed at the producers and hung up the phone. But instead of a sequel starring Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, the idiots behind this crap pile decided to make a prequel starring a couple of nobodies doing crappy impressions of Carrey and Daniels. I’m assuming they’ll eventually make Dumb and Dumbest, in which it will finally be revealed that anyone who paid to watch this nonsense is the dumbest of all.

9 Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Why? Just… why? The original was a hit over twenty years ago but I guess Oliver Stone figured that since the economy has gone in the crapper and everyone hates Wall Street that it was time to break Michael Douglas out of his crypt and kidnap the little asshole from Transformers and force the two to, uh, well, do whatever the hell it was they did in this movie. I’m going to be honest. I fell asleep watching this, which I assume was my brain’s way of saving itself. It knew that nothing good could come from me watching Michael Douglas decompose in high definition. Thanks, brain!

8 Major League: Back to the Minors
To be honest, there was no reason to make Major League 2, so why in the hell did anyone think this train wreck was a good idea? Even Charlie Sheen had the good sense not to be involved in this. Charlie Sheen! When the voice of reason is an insane coked up whoremonger, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your decision making process, you know? On the bright side, this movie let Corbin Bernsen make a down payment on a new toupee so I guess it wasn’t all bad.

7 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Who in the hell had any interest in seeing a broken down, tired old senior citizen version of Indiana Jones pulled out of mothballs just so he could deal with an obnoxious Fonzie of a sidekick and some gibberish about aliens? It’s tough to say which was the worst part about this whole fiasco. Was it a greaser Shia LaBeouf sassing the venerable Dr. Jones or was it the ridiculous ending, which somehow managed to make the idea of Nazis having their faces melted off by opening a box seem entirely reasonable by comparison? I’m not sure. All I do know is that there was no reason for this movie to be made other than the fact that George Lucas probably wanted to scrape together enough money to try to bioengineer a living, breathing Jar-Jar Binks. Maybe the plot of the next Indiana Jones movie should be Indy trying to stop an insane George Lucas from destroying what’s left of his reputation.

6 Highlander II
The first Highlander ended with Connor MacLeod as the lone immortal left on Earth. He was the “one” in the famous saying “There can be only one.” So, uh, how in the hell can there even be a sequel? Well, it turns out that all that was a bunch of BS and everything that happened in the first movie really doesn’t matter that much. Hey, cool! To make matters worse, this mess is set at some random point in the future after the ozone layer (remember that controversy?) has been boiled away or eaten by demons or whatever and all the immortals are actually, uh… aliens? Huh. Okaaaaay. But it’s cool because all this nonsense would later be ignored when the producers decided to make even more sequels along with a couple of TV shows. It turns out that, indeed, there can be only one (million crappy sequels).

5 Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Um, do I really even need to explain? I do? Okay, fine. The original was successful for one reason and one reason only: gullible idiots everywhere were convinced that it was real. Of course it wasn’t, but it had enough of a realistic feeling to be a genuinely creeper horror film. So how do you follow up on something as unique as the original? Short answer: you don’t. Hollywood answer: Beat that dead horse until there’s nothing left but dust and bones and then gnaw on the bones for a while too. And so Book of Shadows was conceived, presumably in some back office as the result of an unholy union between greed, stupidity and insanity. The most notable thing about this turd is that it stars the dude who would go on to star in Burn Notice, which, uh . . . well, that kinda says it all right there, doesn’t it?

4 Speed 2: Cruise Control
Even Keanu Reeves read the script for this bomb (Dig the clever wordplay!) and was disgusted. This is a dude who willingly starred in Johnny Mnemonic, Chain Reaction and Hardball. If even he contemptuously tosses your script in the garbage maybe it’s time to rethink things, you know? But really, as soon as Keanu hopped a bus out of town (I’m so sorry…), it was probably time to abandon ship (I just can’t stop…). That would have been the smart move. The Hollywood move, though, was to give Jason Patric a call. Uh… what? Yeah. By the time they got around to making Speed 3, they probably would have been down to Corey Haim as the star and the bomb would have been set in the back of the rusted out Yugo he was living in. I bet Sandra Bullock still would have shown up though.

3 Blues Brothers 2000
Made almost twenty years after the original, this was basically just a half-assed excuse for Dan Aykroyd to take part in his own personal blues fantasy camp. So what if John Belushi, the heart of the original flick, had been dead for a decade and a half? After all, John Goodman was available. What in the hell? This shambling mess never should have even been conceived of, let alone made. The plot… uh, the plot doesn’t really matter because the whole movie is just a bunch of old blues dudes randomly showing up while Aykroyd dances around in the famous Blues Brothers outfit and Goodman just reminds everyone that he’s not Belushi and then everyone goes home sad and depressed. Oh, and there’s an annoying kid in there dressed like one of the Blues Brothers too. Sounds like a winner to me! Oh well, at least Aykroyd isn’t trying to resurrect Ghostbusters or anything. Wait… he what? Awww, crap.

2 Jaws: The Revenge
By the time this piece of roadkill was made, the Jaws franchise had already been stripped to the bone and then those bones had been boiled and dissolved with lime. But still, that didn’t stop the producers from making yet another shark attack movie. This one saw the plot revolve around the Brodys taking off for the Bahamas and being harassed by a vengeful shark who follows them down there. Really. That’s the plot. To make matters worse, they killed off Martin Brody before even filming the movie, explaining that he died of a heart attack because he was scared of the shark. I mean, come on! Could they have found a way to piss on the original any more than that? Well, I guess they could have shown the shark sodomizing his corpse, but… well, I’ll shut up otherwise I’m afraid I’ll give them an idea for another sequel.

1 Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
It’s safe to say that this was the single most anticipated movie in history. People had been waiting almost twenty years for it. And then the movie came out, Jar-Jar Binks raped our brains and everyone stumbled out of the theater and tried to convince themselves and each other that it hadn’t happened. Seriously, this might be the first movie to cause fans to go through the five stages of grief. First, there was denial: “Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad. In fact, I thought it was pretty good. Hey, how about that Darth Maul!” Then there was anger: “Stupid Jar-Jar! How could George Lucas do this to us? I hate him!” Then there was bargaining: “Please, just let the next movie be good and I’ll forget that this thing ever happened. Deal?” Then there was depression: “Oh God, Jar-Jar’s never going away, is he? I don’t think I can even watch the originals anymore because they’ve all been tainted by this crap.” And finally, acceptance: “Okay, so the prequels were a piece of crap. That’s fine. I just have to keep them separate from the originals and come to terms with the fact that George Lucas is a soulless robot who just wants to sell toys and lunchboxes. It’s okay. Jar-Jar Binks is just a dumb character for little kids and it doesn’t have any effect on me.” I’d say a movie that causes its fans to go through the five stages of grief is good enough –- or bad enough, I should say –- to be number one on this list.

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