On Masculinity: Why men like porn
Kevin Arnold
Porn isn’t just for dry spells. Even when you’re getting it in on a regular basis, jerking off is something guys enjoy in its own way.
Nearly every single guy on the planet calculates the proverbial beating-of-the-meat into his weekly (if not daily) routine, no matter how much sex he’s getting. Yes, that includes George Clooney, Robert Pattinson, or whatever guy women are throwing themselves at these days. The one’s who say they don’t are probably lying.
As often as men do it, we continue to have this idea that masturbation is nothing more than a lukewarm substitute for sex. We think that the only reason men polish their own knobs is because they can’t get enough of “the real thing.” But the truth is that almost all men will get off by themselves many more times than they will get off with another person during their lifetime.
Think about that for a minute. Now, why does putting it inside a girl remain the gold standard of what counts as sex, while spanking the monkey only plays second fiddle? How often do men have to beat themselves off before we start taking it seriously?
Of course, there are reasons why we don’t. This isn’t something many guys want to talk about, because our cultural standards of masculinity place so much emphasis on a guy’s ability to get some. The idea that a man might actually prefer porn and masturbation to sex in some cases makes him look like a slave to his passions, weak, and ultimately unmanly. Recently, researchers have gotten into the business of exploiting men’s anxieties about masturbation by arguing for the concept of “porn addiction,” also playing on women’s and society’s fear that their men have become corrupted by technology and a hypersexualized culture.
We should resist pathologizing or moralizing about porn in order to think about masturbation as a real dimension of men’s sexuality. For many men, practicing a little “self-actualization” plays its own unique part within their larger sex lives. This is not to say that pornography can’t have damaging effects on men’s relationships with others. But any discussion about porn needs to begin with a genuine understanding about what it is and what it means in men’s lives.
It’s okay to admit that sometimes you’d rather just yank one out to bustyblondes.com instead of having sex with your girlfriend. You might be a horny bastard, but this doesn’t make you a pervert.
Maybe you don’t feel like going through the whole process of foreplay and oral sex in order to get to the good part. Or maybe you’re just tired after a long day. Sex can put a lot of pressure on a guy to “perform,” as if we don’t have enough of these pressures as it is. Every now and then it’s nice to retreat into the solitary pleasures that only Palmela Handerson and a bottle of Jergens can provide.
Men and women experience masturbation differently. While women do watch porn, they tend to imagine and fantasize about emotional relationships when they’re getting themselves off. This might sound boring to a lot of guys, because for them, it’s purely about the visual stimulation. Science writer Deborah Blum reports, “there’s some strong evidence that testosterone is wired for visual response,” perhaps indicating that “seeing” is at the basis of men’s desire itself.
You don’t need a degree in neuroscience to understand this. Whether it’s the new temp in the office with the low cut shirt, this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, or just a hottie on the latest TV crime drama, the fact is that men like to look, plain and simple. That’s what beating off to porn is about. It’s about reducing men’s experience of sex to the lowest common denominator.
When you look at porn, you flip through countless pictures and videos trying to find the perfect one. This isn’t just about locating the holy grail of porn clips, because no matter how good it is, you always want another one, and then another, and then another. The looking, the searching, the “more and more” of seeing sex is something that becomes enjoyable for men in its own right, regardless of what it is you’re actually looking at.
Which makes whacking it to some Internet eye candy a qualitatively different experience of sex. It’s almost an out-of-body sensation, losing yourself in a sea of images and stimulation. During sex, a guy has to always be aware and in control of his body until just the right moment. But with porn you have an opportunity to escape all of this into a realm that is entirely on your terms and designed for your enjoyment.
As much as they reputedly crave intercourse, masturbation may very well be the purest form of sex for men.
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