On Masculinity: Why men need to ‘hang out’
Kevin Arnold
It’s a banal truism of gender studies (not to mention romantic comedies) that men bond over activity, while women bond over emotions. Women might get together to talk about their feelings, but you’ll never see men doing such a thing. If a guy has something to get off his chest, he’ll let it out on the job or on the court, usually without saying anything, since men tend to express themselves and connect with each other primarily through action.
This commonplace is not necessarily untrue, although one big exception calls its logic into question. Men are likewise known to be avid connoisseurs of “hanging out,” which is to say, getting together with the express purpose of doing absolutely nothing.
Hanging out is not what you do with your gym partner or the guys on your softball team. Nor is hanging out that twice-yearly, blowout kegger you throw with your buddies. These are important male activities, yes, but they are distinct from hanging out in the way that they involve a high level of focused and directed energy. Hanging out, on the other hand, is precisely about losing this kind of focus.
What I’m wondering is, if men are thought to connect with each other over action, why is it that one of their strongest bonds is formed by an activity that is, by definition, the absence of activity?
Hanging out is a consistent, regular pattern of behavior in male society. You get together at the same time each week, with the same guys and always at the same guy’s house, to do the exact same thing. Which is usually nothing. Sure, you could go out or find something more constructive to do with your time, but there is a simple pleasure men take in non-activity with each other. Whether it’s a marathon COD session, poker, or just drinking beers and talking shit, its always much more enjoyable to do nothing in the company of other guys.
This seemingly random, repetitive behavior leads me to describe hanging out as a form of ritual, which anthropologists generally define as a set of social practices that imbues the world with symbolic value. That might seem strange, not only because hanging out appears to offer little social value, but also because it’s hard to even see it as a “set of practices” at all.
On the other hand, ritual is not really about these practices themselves (which in fact are almost arbitrary), but rather what these activities are making happen. It doesn’t actually matter whether men are getting together to watch football on Sunday or to sacrifice a goat to the god Zeus. What matters is simply that they are getting together.
The simplicity of “just getting together” loses its particularity and starts to look like other forms of activity when you exceed certain social “rules” of hanging out:
1) Outsiders are not invited. Ever wonder why groups of male friends seem to number almost exactly four? From the Rat Pack to The Hangover, the number four appears to have special significance, as both the critical mass and as the limit of men hanging out together.
Sure, you might be down a man one night or add an extra guy on occasion (interesting that both of these tensions, with respect to the “right” number of guys, are each inciting incidents in The “Hang”-over), but four seems to be the ideal number of guys for hanging out. Less than four and it’s a more personal dynamic; more than four and it’s a party.
2) Hanging out is different from “going out.” It’s a timeless problem: when a guy is spending time with the boys, does he stick with them or is he free to follow wherever the um, possibilities will lead him? Every cohort of guys has experienced a few misunderstandings, and maybe even hurt feelings, over this question.
When guys are in public, they tend to feel a sense of urgency to “do something,” whether it’s finding girls, ordering another round of shots, or moving on to yet another bar. Not only does this restlessness impinge upon the group by inviting the possibility of outsiders, it also threatens to focus the dynamic into a more specific purpose. Hanging out, on the other hand, must always remain aimless and unhurried, which is why it’s a ritual typically performed in private.
Of course guys are clearly doing something, even when they are just hanging out, but the sort of “nothingness” at the heart of this activity articulates a deeper truth, something beneath the cliché of masculinity as constant action and perpetual motion. Men might perform the ritual of hanging out actively, like an OCD patient compulsively washing his hands, but this anxious behavior is really the expression of some more fervent passion beneath the surface.
It is in this way that hanging out takes on its symbolic value as a ritual. Rather than displacing masculinity onto a set of actions, hanging out frees men from purpose and allows them to experience an elementary and fundamental sense of togetherness. Hanging out converts a profound sense of absence into a pure connection, without any obligation to move to action, words, or “feelings,” and that takes pleasure simply by existing in shared space.
follow guyism:
Other Stories You Might LIke
7 of the hottest things a woman can wear
15 celebrities who are older than you thought
7 times when it’s okay for a man to cry
comment on this story
blog comments powered by Disqus