14 people you’ll meet in the college dorms
Neil Bulson
Right about now, countless college students are migrating back to school, to the place that serves as their own personal Sodom and Gomorrah. A lot of these students will be living in dormitories, surrounded by a bunch of weird strangers and fellow degenerates disguised as responsible students. So we here at Guyism have decided to take it upon ourselves to educate the dorm-bound by letting them know just what to expect from these new friends. I mean, you’re going to be showering together so you might as well get to know each other. And in that spirit, here are the fourteen most common types of people you meet in the dorm. Look around you and I promise that in the coming weeks you’ll get to know each and every one of the people on this list. Hell, you’re probably one of them, or even a combination of a bunch of them. One last thing –- most of these are from the male perspective because, well, the site is called Guyism, you know? But really, these personality types can be found in both men and women and so if you’re not a dude but a lady dude you can have fun hunting for these types too. We do this because we care about our nation’s education. After all, if nothing else, we here at Guyism are socially responsible. You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome.
14 Bob Marley
This dude is all about getting high and fighting the man. In that order. Chances are he’s got dreads, claims that he refuses to shower not because he’s lazy but because it’s better for the earth, and he’s some sort of super-secret twelfth level vegan. But really, this dude just likes getting high. He can be a good friend and hanging out with him is always, uh, relaxing. Just don’t listen to him when he’s going on about the man tainting his fruit roll-ups with secret hippie killing pesticides and you should be fine.
13 Richie Rich
This is the dorm-mate with all the best toys. He’s got all the latest gadgets, the big screen TV in his room, the nicest car and he’s willing to spend, spend, spend… probably because he knows that it’s the only way he can make friends. So it’s obviously in your best interest to make friends with this guy. No one really likes him, but that doesn’t mean a whole lot when he’s willing to pay for that fifth of vodka again or cover you for your half of the pizza. It’s shameful and you will hate yourself a little bit for doing it, but life as a poor college student requires certain moral sacrifices.
12 The Mama’s Boy
This is one of the most common of all personality types you’ll meet in the dorm. Sheltered, wide eyed, socially awkward -– these are all traits of the mama’s boy. It can be fun to corrupt him and teach him the ways of the degenerate, but this will be tough since he will go scurrying home every weekend to the safety of his mother’s arms, her washing machine and her lovingly home cooked meals. You can try to get to know him, but a lot of the time it’s a losing battle. His best friend is his mommy, he’ll never let high school go, and he’ll spend the time he isn’t back at home holed up in his room chatting on-line with all his old high school buddies. It’s sad but it happens.
11 The Big Fat Party Animal
This doofus has seen Animal House one too many times and is convinced that he is the reincarnated soul of John Belushi. All he cares about is getting wasted. He doesn’t care about girls, class, friends, or anything else other than proving to everyone around that he’s a wild and crazy guy. Chances are you’ll have to drop him off at the hospital at least once after he gets alcohol poisoning and that he’ll vomit somewhere in your room a couple of times before the year is through. He’s fun to party with –- at least for a while, and then you’ll just get sick and tired of having to take care of him every time he gets wasted and tries to run around the halls naked because he thinks that’s what guys like him are supposed to do.
10 The Last American Virgin
This poor dude really, really wants to be cool. He just has no idea how to go about it. He’ll willingly tag along with you everywhere you go in the hopes that he will finally have the opportunity to get laid. His lack of knowledge when it comes to, well, anything really will be astounding and you will spend half your time trying to be the Yoda to his young Skywalker. Of course, he will understand that reference all too well since the closest he’s ever gotten to getting laid was, uh, making the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs while staring at Princess Leia in a gold bikini for the billionth time. Show him the ropes but don’t let him hold you down either because this dude can be a real anchor if you’re not careful. Put him in position to finally glimpse the Holy Land but don’t hold his hand either or else you’ll both end up at the Wailing Wall.
9 The Grown-Up
This poor fool takes both himself and everything else way too seriously. Even though he’s in college and should be having the time of his life, he’s convinced that he’s an adult, damn it, and so he’s going to behave like he imagines an adult should behave. Ultra-serious, this asshole takes a unique pleasure in ruining everyone else’s good time. He’ll roll over on you in a heartbeat and sell out your super-secret stash of cheap Popov because that’s what he thinks he’s supposed to do. Occasionally, this dude can be fun to corrupt, and you might even find that he’s a half-decent guy if you can just get him to lighten up but the risk is just too damn high. Strongest recommendation to avoid because, honestly, this dude sucks.
8 The Social Chair
This guy fancies himself the ultimate alpha-male. He’s smart, charismatic and just a tad more worldly than the rest of his dorm-mates. He’ll spend most of his time making friends and making plans, and he’ll be the one who lets everyone else know about all the best parties. He’s dialed in and he will convince you that he’s your best friend –- at least until it comes time to rush a fraternity. Once he dives headfirst into that, he might as well be a ghost. You’ll hardly see him again. So, feel free to use him for his connections but don’t get too close because once he moves on, he’s gone. The good news is that by the time this happens, you’ll have made your own connections. In the end, you’ll look back and be glad that he was there to fill a purpose in those first few weeks.
7 The Foreigner
This poor kid came to America to study and reap the benefits of a world class education but found himself in the middle of a zoo filled with degenerates. Go easy on him, show him around and don’t be afraid to learn a thing or two from him. Talk to him. He’s probably shy and more than a little nervous, overwhelmed by his new surroundings, and he’ll probably be grateful for a friend. In the end, he’s no different from you. He just sounds a little funny, he has some weird habits and he’ll probably do or say something embarrassing every once in a while. But in the end he’ll be a solid friend and that’s not something you can take lightly.
6 The Grizzled Veteran
This guy has already survived one or two tours of the Dorm Wars and he’s re-upped for another year in the madhouse. He can be a little annoying because he thinks he knows it all and isn’t afraid to let those younger than him know it. But, the thing is, is that he probably does know more than you and so you should at least pay attention when he’s trying to hit you with some advice. Besides, he probably already knows a lot of people and since a lot of his friends probably live off campus now, he’s probably got an inside track on some decent house parties. Once you get past his superior attitude, you’ll probably end up being friends with this dude. Besides, if he happens to be 21, well… you’ve got yourself a goldmine there, friend.
5 MIA
This mysterious stranger comes and goes as he pleases. You never see him. You wonder where he sleeps, when he sleeps, and if he’s even actually enrolled in any classes. For all you know, he spends all his time hitting super-secret parties or sleeping underneath a bench in front of the library. You just don’t know. He could be the coolest person alive or he could just be another weirdo who spends all his time live action role-playing with a collection of friends who are just as odd as he is. You can try to make friends with this dude but chances are this will just be an exercise in madness. It’s probably best just to let him do his thing and try to stay out of his way, which shouldn’t be too hard since you’ll barely see him.
4 The Scholar
This is the slightly less uptight cousin of the Grown-Up. The scholar isn’t above having a good time every once in a while but he refuses to lose sight of why he’s really there -– to get a good education. He probably won’t bust you for having fun but you’ll probably have a hard time getting him to join in any of your reindeer games. Let him be and just enjoy it when he comes out of his shell every once in a while.
3 The Nerd
This poor guy just wants to make friends but he’s too socially inept to do anything about it. He’ll try to imitate you in his desperate attempt to make friends in his new world but he’ll always say the wrong thing at the wrong time or end up spazzing out over something weird. Be nice to him because he’s trying so damn hard, but don’t get caught up in trying to save him because chances are that this dude is beyond redemption. Just let him be and one day he might teach you how to harness the power of physics to make the world’s most advanced gravity bong.
2 The Phoenix
The Phoenix is bound and determined to rise from the ashes of the trash fire that was his life before he arrived at college. He’s taken completely to heart the old adage that you can be whoever you want to be once you leave home and move into the dorms. Sadly, he’s probably wrong. You can identify this guy because he’ll either be strangely elusive about his past or the details of the past he’s almost too eager to tell won’t quite add up. In the end, chances are he’ll probably just end up making the same mistakes he did in the past because he won’t understand until it’s too late that the reason his life sucked before is because, well, to put it bluntly, he sucks.
1 Miss Congeniality
God bless this friendly chick because without her the first few weeks living in the dorm would be a lot less interesting. Miss Congeniality can be identified by one specific trait: she’s really, really, uh, friendly. Whether it’s because she’s finally breaking free of her controlling parents, going wild because she doesn’t know how to behave without restrictions or simply because she wants to have a good time, this overly friendly hormone driven chick spends most of her time doing one thing: humping like a bunny on speed. Sure, sure, she’ll probably be ashamed later and everyone will call her a slut, but what the hell, at least she’s having some fun, right? Chances are you’ll know at least two or three dudes on your floor who have stolen her lucky charms and chances are even better that she won’t even know their last names. It’s college. It happens. Try not to judge. Honestly, you’re probably better off steering clear of this one but if you do find yourself as one of her nameless conquests, have the good sense to wrap your junk in Kryptonite or double bag that thing. Or at least spray it with Lysol afterward. See? We’re totally socially responsible.
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