The 10 most annoying corporate-speak phrases and what they really mean
Brett Smiley
You’ve heard them all, and they probably irritated you every time. They’re annoying, indirect, and overused. These phrases need no further introduction.
10 All things being equal…
Translation: Things are not equal. Your unacceptable work, poor effort and lackadaisical attitude have left us in a major predicament. Get your sh-t together.
9 Keep me in the loop
Translation: I don’t want you talking behind my back. I’m paranoid that you may misrepresent me or say something stupid to one of our colleagues, and if you do, I at least want to be aware.
8 Let’s get our ducks in a row
Translation: You guys are a disorganized mess. With a few exceptions, you are terrible employees. I regret that my pathetic existence has been reduced to working with a bunch of ass-dragging, ambitionless, incompetent individuals like you. We have an important client meeting upcoming, and if you screw this up, I am going to completely unhinge and fire one or more of you. Do NOT screw this up.
7 All sports phrases (if you’re not working at a sports organization)
Before we get to their meaning, some examples: take the ball and run with it; don’t drop the ball; just keep moving the ball down the field; we need you to step up to the plate; it’s fourth down; we’re playing from the rough; we’re in a sand trap; let’s hit it out of the park; let’s huddle on this later.
Translation: We’re attempting to appeal to you by invoking a sports phrase. It’s easier than just being direct. Sports are pleasant and enjoyable, so I’m using this sports phrase to make the assignment or situation seem more palatable. It won’t.
6 My two cents, for what it’s worth
Translation: Your thoughts are worthless and my word is bond, so listen. I’m sugar-coating my comments because you’re sensitive and I want to water down the ridicule.
5 I’ve got a lot on my plate
Translation: I’ve got a ton of sh-t to do and I can’t accept any more responsibility at this time. I wish you would take care of your own sh-t and leave me alone.
4 Going forward
Translation: You screwed up. I’m suggesting that we look forward so we can all move on from your egregious error as soon as possible. The truth is, I’m not going to forget your monumental f-ck up, but we can’t replace you at the moment and you occasionally do good work.
3 Think outside the box
Translation: You’re unoriginal. We need some real, creative thought here, not the typical narrow minded crap that doesn’t distinguish your work at all.
2At the end of the day
Translation: Everything that has preceded this moment is irrelevant. Your work has been inadequate and we’ve collectively suffered as a result. You really sh-t the bed. I hate you.
1 We’re going to have to let you go
Translation: You’re f-cking fired. Go home.
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