The 5 saddest Pick-Up Artist acronyms
Luke McKinney
Pick Up Artists are what happen when nerds decide to get laid but forget to stop playing videogames first. They claim women can be reprogrammed into sex with complicated gambits which flip a set “attraction switches,” at which point they might as well say “I roll my twenty-sided dice for sex.” Flipping switches is how you open the secret door in Zelda, not panties, and we hereby apologize for unleashing that analogy upon this earth.
They use the phrase “neuro-linguistic programming” to cover how they not only think pickup lines work but are the basis of an entire life strategy. The “seduction community” also uses an incredible number of acronyms, because the true path to spontaneous sex is more acronyms than a World of Warcraft guild during tax season.
As proper human beings who can talk to outsiders without filing Field Reports (FR, and yes, that’s one of their acronyms) we went through their lists of initials to find the five stupidest. But brace yourself: FR, the idea of excitedly telling your internet friends about every single time you talk to a girl, didn’t even make it.
Note: Everything in italics is a direct quote from a PUA guide.
1. 3s
The “three second rule” tells you everything you need to know about Pickup Artists before we even get to real letters, instructing artists to approach any woman they meet within three seconds. “Any hesitation will give you more time to falter and come up with fear-based excuses in your mind. It also give your target time to think negatively about you.” So, this is for people who need an inhaler to approach the opposite sex, and automatically assume that the longer a girl sees them the worse things will go.
Also, “target“? You’re taking someone whose idea of social interaction is memorizing a list of instructions from the internet, and turning them into tit-seeking Terminators lurching at anything with a womb on a shorter fuse than the average grenade?
This is what two Terminators having sex might look like.2. AFC
For many the AFC is the American Football Conference. For others it’s the Ambassadors For Christ in Canada. Then there are the pickup artists – who get less action than either – for whom it’s “Average Frustrated Chump.” Again, their definition (of the average man as a sex-starved idiot) says more about the definer than the defined.
Worse, they use this to refer to non-PUAs, us “idiots” who don’t believe in a secret cheat code to unlocks blowjobs. If you’re going to call us dumbasses with a three letter code phrase you had damn well better be a Tom Clancy character, not someone who pays for internet sex tips from this:
His pimp hand is strong. As is his prescription for Levitra.
3. GM Style
The GM stands for “Grandmaster”, which either means an extraordinarily skilled martial artist or a dungeon master who wants to run his orc campaign above ground. Before you decide which, here’s the most famous PUA:
The bigger mystery is where one can find many fuzzy top hats at discount prices.
That’s the face of Pick Up Artistry – that’s actually the best they could offer. Worse, the “GM Style” is to be a relentlessly offensive asshole who won’t take no for an answer, described as “Think Pepé Le Pew but more vulgar and non-stop.” Considering how Pepé was literally an animated rapist skunk we’re going to have to recommend against that. And warn you that the entire PUA thing may have been invented by one guy trying to make every other man in the world look worse.
4. HB
Hot Babe. We’re not kidding, they not only use the phrase “Hot Babe”, they use it so often and so seriously they needed an acronym. Starting with “Hot Babe” and turning it into an alphanumeric code you could only get further from sex by adding numbers and sub-classes – which they do! A target is only a HB if it scores 7-9 on their exclusive 10-point scale (why yes, they do argue about how that’s rated online), while a 10 ranks as an SHB, or Super HB. You know things are going badly when you want to discuss women and end up talking about Kryptonian pencils.
Superman Says: “Number 2 pencils are for sissies and Canadians.
5. Neg
Not an acronym, but discussing PUAs without mentioning negs is like describing Tila Tequila without STDs.
“Neg hits, or more commonly negs (short for “negative hits”), are quick, sometimes humorous remarks used by PUAs to get past the bitch shield of hot women.”
A drunk on a psychologist’s couch doesn’t show so much of their soul. These guys didn’t just do the “nice guys finish last” whining in high school, they added the “all women are bitches” bitterness and mixed in “only assholes get the girl” idiocy, internalizing all three into a life strategy which turns the world into one of those creepy Japanese dating games (with a less believable plot).
So at what point in the courting process do we get to tentacle rape?
To “neg” is to insult a woman, grin, and wait for her to suck you off. The original idea of “Hey, maybe if you stop calling anything with breasts a princess and begging her to touch you” has some merit, but when you start throwing around sentences like “No more than 2 negs on an average HB (7-9/7-9), a maximum of 3 on a super HB (10/10)” you might as well sell your sex organs to science.
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