The 7 biggest Facebook taboos

There are the people that make you want to get on Facebook everyday — aka the people you stalk daily. And then there are the people that make you want to get off Facebook, deactivate your account, and revive your old Myspace page (just kidding… unless your a pedophile). Stay away from committing these 7 Facebook taboos and you’ll be sure to keep all your friends.

1. Fake Religions

At some point between Facebook allowing grandparents to register accounts and taking away privacy controls, they added the option to include your religion on your profile page. Normal people ignored this new option, boring people added their actual religious beliefs, and semi-illiterate people misunderstood the question and filled it in random nouns, random phrases, and celebrities. Try to avoid people whose religions include “shoes,” “being a NY Giants fan,” and “Eddie Murphy Movies.”

2. Constant Info Updating

It’s completely okay when people update their profile picture, change their status, and report their friends for tagging unflattering pictures as porn. However it is completely not okay when they change their interests, favorite movies, and TV shows like it’s part of their daily routine. Brush teeth, go to work, add random action verb to my interests, eat dinner. End that annoying friendship the passive aggressive way by making all your interests the opposite. If they like home-cooked french fries you like greasy day old fries and if they like watching sports games, you prefer listening via a 1930′s radio.

3. Spamming out fan pages

Some people love a lot of people, places, and inanimate objects and it’s so awesome there’s a place for them to express that love on Facebook. But that does not mean that the rest of us also want to be a fan of “chocolate-covered Strawberries” or “Weird Al Yankovich.” Stand strong and reject every single fanpage that comes your way. Promise your friends that if we get a burning desire to fan the “Construction Worker’s Union of Lower Detroit” we will.

4. Turning Profile into a Resume

Its semi-acceptable to list your job on Facebook — especially if it’s something brag worthy like Andy Dick’s personal assistant. But then there are the people that take the job info section a little too far and turn it into a mini-resume. For some odd reason they think that people care that their day consists of “filing paperwork, sucking up to my boss, taking too long of coffee breaks, and writing memos.” Get rid of these Monster.com wannabes by actually asking them to do everything on their list. They won’t be so eager to list filing taxes when you send all your stuff over to them and ask them to do you a Facebook friend favor.

5. Thinking Facebook is Deep

Facebook isn’t complex and the fact that my neighbor’s dog has an account proves anyone can use it. However there are some people that feel the need to fill their profile page with deep thoughts and incomprehensible about me sections. What does it mean when someone’s about me says “scissors cut deep but they drown in water?” Facebook isn’t a Philosophy 101 class and there’s no reason why people need to be cracking open their old textbooks trying to figure out why your status is “Thoreau is water and I am a droplet.”

6. Listening to Facebook’s Suggestions

For some reason Facebook has turned itself into a social media Yenta. Their 15 suggestions of who you should friend and you should reconnect with and you should send a birthday seem to attack every time you sign on. And the worst part is that some people actually listen and act upon those requests. Under no circumstance should you reply to a nonsarcastic wall post “Facebook thinks we should reconnect, sooo what’s new with you, not much here, just got a divorce, child support sux!”

7. Writing on Your Own Wall

Nothing quite says Facebook novice like someone responding to a wall post by writing on their own wall. Everyone involved (except the perpetrator) feels awkward and squirmy inside when they see it. Deal with this problem head on. Message the person and tell them that they’re making a fool out of themselves and it would be best if they deactivated and went back their mah jong tournaments.

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