The 7 events you should avoid at all costs
Jenni Maier
Life is short — or so the liberal media claims. Don’t waste yours attending bad events. Instead, spend your time coming up with creative excuses for why you can’t attend socially-obligated events. After all, no one wants someone with pink eye and gangrene coming to their birthday dinner.
1 Housewarming Parties
Housewarming parties are by far the most passive-aggressive way to ask for a gift. The invitation might as well say “come see my new apartment, I really need a mini-fridge next to my couch, pick it up for me on the ways, k thanks.” Make your dislike for the event clear by finding the closest thing to white carpeting in the apartment and walking all over it with your muddy shoes.
2 Lost My Phone Facebook Events
Lost my Phone, Need Digits Facebook events should be deleted immediately. Those people aren’t tricking anyone when they ask all 500 of their Facebook friends to leave their numbers on the event wall. It’s the easiest way for the creepiest people to get access to the 498 numbers they didn’t have before.
3 A Bris
A Bris makes all men cover their balls and all women shield their eyes. An especially brutal one can even cause women to grab their their non-existent balls. With the exception of the stars of To Catch A Predator, no one enjoys watching a rabbi sharpen his penis clipping tools.
4 Mac Item Debut
While going to a new Mac item debut is the best place to see how many virgins can wait in a three-day long line, it’s a bad place to spend a week. There’s no need to camp out out on a dirty sidewalk for an expensive new product that will be six times cheaper within a few months. On the other hand, it’s a great excuse to not shower, shave, or feel embarrassed about your Star Trek action figure collection.
5 A Friend’s Artistic Debut
Whether you friend is an aspiring artist, singer, ice dancer or any combination of the three, do not go to the event. Odds are high that your friend will suck and you’ll be forced to come up with genuine-sounding praise. No one wants to spend their night repeating “I liked it when your voice alternated between the low baritones and the high-pitched dolphin calls.”
6 Speed Dating
Speed Dating is a last-minute attempt to meet someone before you finally admit to yourself that you will spend the rest of your life living in your mom’s basement. Unless you have the most amazing personality in the world, there’s no way you’re going to meet someone worthwhile. And lets face it, if you did have the most amazing personality in the world, you wouldn’t be reading this list, let alone speed dating.
7 Graduations
Graduations are by far, the most boring event in the entire world. There’s a lot of name-calling, a lot of walking-across-the-stage, and way too much polite clapping. If you can’t convince your family member to skip their commencement ceremony (it’s totally for lame losers man), then pull the ole coming down with the bubonic plague excuse.
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