The 7 stages of a break-up

There’s nothing worse than being dumped and/or divorced by someone you love. Suddenly you’ve gone from being in a golden couple to being a permanent guest at table 9. It’s okay to cry, burn couple pictures, and make people feel bad for not knowing that you’ve broken up. Odds are that you’re about to go through the 7 stages of a modern break-up.

1 Getting Extremely Drunk

A break-up often feels like you just got an unlimited, endless ride on an emotional roller coaster. Therapists unanimously agree that the best remedy for dealing with this confusing mess of feelings is to get extremely drunk. Try and spend the next few days taking it easy in an alcohol haze. Take a shot every time you feel an emotion and do a jager bomb every time you feel tempted to cry.

2 Updating Facebook statuses

Now that you’ve given yourself a 90% chance of developing liver cancer, it’s time to let the world know and understand your pain. The best way to do this is by leaving your Facebook relationship and updating hourly with positive statuses like “never have to see that dirty slut again” or “Does anyone own a gun, I’m about to kill a cheater.” If you’re having trouble putting your anger into words, choose an appropriate song lyric. There’s nothing more classicly vintage than “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one”

3 Listening to EMO music

Thanks to Facebook everyone now knows that you’re single. Take some time to indulge in a little “feelin sorry for myself music.” Remember if the lyrics aren’t being screamed and if the lead singer isn’t wearing black eye liner, you haven’t chosen the right songs.

4 Angry phone calls to the ex

So you’ve memorized the lyrics to every Dashboard Confessional song every written. It’s now time to take the first step towards acceptance. Call up your ex and leave scathing voice mails explaining why you hate him/her so much. Take this opportunity to use vulgar language, say ugly slurs, and issue false accusations. Make sure that you’re at least half-crying when you call so your message is nearly incomprehensible.

5 Complaining to all your friends

You’ve spoken with your ex via an answering machine and you feel ready to go back into the world. Call up your friends, ask them to come over, and spend the night going through your entire relationship. Alternate between insulting your ex and defending him/her when your friends agree with you. It’s important at this stage to be absolutely inconsolable. No one should be able to say anything right.

6 Isolation and Depression

Turns out your friends don’t understand anything at all. It’s back to spending a few days/weeks under the covers in a dark room. Under no circumstances do you pick up your phone and answer an e-mail. It’s at this stage your friends should be extremely worried about your mental health. You’ll know you’ve completed this stage successfully when someone shows up at your door on suicide watch.

7 Drunken hook-ups

Well the worst is over and you’re ready to hit the dating scene again. Time is of the essence and now is your opportunity to have meaningless rebound sex with as many people as possible. Remember that using protection is important, but ending each night crying about your ex in a stranger’s arms is more important. Have some respect for yourself and never ever stay the night anywhere.

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