The 7 worst types of house guests

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

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Nothing ruins a friendship faster than letting a friend stay with you for an extended period of time. Suddenly all their biggest flaws (and oh they have a lot!) come flying out the woodwork and you’re stuck wondering how you never noticed their selfish and rude behavior before. Since it’s considered bad form to kick them out on the streets and it’s considered illegal to kill them, you’re stuck dealing with their horrendous behavior.

7 The Slob
…never quite learned the differences between a closet, a trash can, and a floor. He seems completely unaware that toilets flush, dishes don’t magically clean themselves, and that hangars do not exist to unclog the toilet. He’ll happily eat day old tacos he stored under the couch and he’ll hang up the “condemned apartment” signs with pride.

6 The One Who Never Leaves
…came to visit back in 1999 to find a job and has been living on your pull-out couch ever since. Before you knew it he had a shelf in the fridge labeled “no touching, Derek’s food” and an assortment of family photos set-up on your fireplace mantle. He’ll act like your Saddam Hussein reincarnated if you ask him to contribute to rent or help with chores — after all he’s just visiting.

5 The Moocher
…has an abundance of extra money at all times because he subsists completely on your food. One time he asked if he could have a few crackers and you mistakenly said yes. Ever since then he’s arrived at your house with a shopping cart and a year’s supply of Ziploc bags. If you dare mention that he should reimburse you for all the food, he’ll plead poverty, and act like you’re demanding his first-born child.

4 The Klepto
…thrives on pocketing miscellaneous items around your house. First the corn cob holders go missing and you assume you misplaced them. Then rolls of toilet paper start flying off the holder and you mistakenly blame yourself for using a roll a day. Finally you come home one day to discover your TV is missing and you’re staring at a blank wall. Change your locks because it won’t be long one day before you arrive home to find out that the klepto’s name has replaced yours on the lease.

3 The One Who Watches Horrible TV
…still thinks Judge Judy is high quality drama and that According to Jim reruns are funny. It wouldn’t be so terrible if the TV watcher didn’t spend 24/7 sitting on your couch flipping channels and making you sit through Last Call with Carson Daly clip shows. Solve this house guest dilemma by unplugging the television and hiding the remote. While Two and a Half Men may have taught him a lot about Charlie Sheen’s integrity, it has not taught him that TVs need power to work.

2 The Emotional Wreck
…arrives at your apartment with red rimmed eyes and a coat covered in snot. His girlfriend left him for his sister, his boss fired him for making one too many photocopies of his butt, and his family cat got run over by his senile grandfather. He cries all day and when you ask him if he wants to talk about it, he tells you it’s just allergies. Hide all the poisonous cleaning supplies, lock up sharp objects, and ask questions if the toaster starts showing up close to the tub.

1 The Guy Who Has A Lot of Sex
…seems to be under the impression that you’re running a brothel and your futon, shower, kitchen counter, and front stoop are all appropriate places to have sex. When he’s not getting tested for STDs, he’s sitting on your couch bragging about how easy it is to meet women (and men who look like women) off of Craigslist. Douse everything in bleach, get tested, and don’t let his most promising women leave without getting their numbers.

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