The Accidental Adult: The troubles of home improvement
Colin Sokolowski
If I’ve learned any lesson in my journey through accidental adulthood, it’s that society values handiness and shuns incompetence. Unfortunately, when it comes to the most routine fix-it projects or home repairs, you could call me an unhandy man. By necessity, I’ve cultivated a few tricks for faking my way through many a prickly project over the years. So allow me to offer you just a few of these handy home improvement tips, and maybe -– just maybe -– you can find a way to avoid feeling like a tool.
Assign blame for your failures
The key to avoiding criticism for screwing up home improvement projects is to deflect the responsibility at every opportunity. Simply swat away accountability like a pesky fly.
• Blame the tools. You have two choices here. Either you didn’t have the appropriate tools for the job, or the tools themselves were faulty. Why didn’t you have the right tools? Simple. You loaned them to a friend, because that’s just the kind of guy you are. And why were the tools ruined? Your irresponsible buddies left your pair of vice grips out in the rain overnight, causing immediate and irreparable rusting, which, of course, renders them useless. Remember: inferior instruments = unreliable repairs.
• Blame the product packaging. Those bastards shorted you again! Some assembly-line idiot can’t count correctly, and now you’re left holding the bag. How are you supposed to assemble a killer entertainment center when you need eight washer assemblies and they only gave you six? This was a setup from the start!
• Blame the instruction manual. Clearly, the technical writer assigned to this task does not speak (nor write) English as a first language. That means you’re on your own deciphering their odd instruction-speak. When the project is failing as a result, explain this to your friends as your manual would: I very appreciate much should their manual provide terrific instruction help support.
Don’t disrespect the hardware store staff
Sure, the word “ballcock” is funny. But the guy working the plumbing aisle stopped laughing long ago when accidental adults like you snicker as you ask for help finding one. Same with the guy in the flooring section who exasperatedly explains to you, “It’s called ‘tongue and groove,’ not ‘tongue in groove.’” Piss these guys off, and you’d better save your receipts because you’re SOL if you’re left navigating the store on your own, attempting to find the right materials you need.
Cut yourself
It might sound a little counter-intuitive, but you’d be amazed at how much female sympathy flows from a little blood. And remember, most bleeding is less severe than it appears. I’m not talking, “Hurry! Make a tourniquet!” All it takes is a quick poke of a tack or a carpet staple and you’ve just demonstrated the ultimate sacrifice of shedding blood for your feeble efforts. Want to extend the sympathy beyond the moment? Leave a few blood-stained tissues red-side up in the bathroom waste basket for your significant other to discover. And don’t forget to wear a Band-Aid long after it’s necessary.
Save your receipts
Face it. The chances of you purchasing the exact amount of materials necessary for your project, let alone the correct materials, are slim to none. That’s why it’s helpful to save all your receipts. My filing system (stuffing handfuls of crumpled slips into a cigar box) isn’t the envy within my circle of friends, but it’s one step better than digging through garbage cans looking for discarded receipts stuck at the bottom. With proof of payment in hand, you’ll find that zipping through the return register saves you time so you can re-enter the store and purchase more supplies in incorrect quantities that you’ll return later, if you so choose. (You really can never have enough spackle.)
All it really takes to navigate the world of home improvements is to know your limitations before you get in over your head. Once you’ve identified a project that’s beyond your capacity, ramp up that inner monologue and remind yourself that even the handiest of men get stumped from time to time. So you’re no Bob Vila. But you’re also no fool. You’re an accidental adult. And when it comes to projects that really matter (like replacing dead batteries in your beloved remote control), you’re no tool.
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