The Every Guy’s Guide: How to grill a better burger
Colin Joliat 
Burger joints are all the rage in Chicago right now, but even the finest chef in town can’t hold a candle to forming your own patties and grilling on the back porch (or yard for those who aren’t cooped up in apartments). Whether it’s the freedom to spice the meat exactly the way you like it or just being able to stand over a smoky grill on a nice day, there’s nothing quite like grilling.
A few weeks back I gave you the guide to not ruining a perfectly good steak. Unfortunately, we don’t all have money laying around for luxury items such as a lock of Justin Bieber’s hair or 10 pounds of steak. Odds are that if you are hosting this weekend’s party, you’re opting to fix burgers and hot dogs instead. They’re fairly easy to make and at a price point where if you get distracted by that new girl in the extremely low-cut tank top (mirrored sunglasses fellas, invest in a pair), it’s no sweat off your back to just toss that burger you torched to your golden retriever, Jake.
If you need a guide to cooking a hot dog, I recommend you leave the Internet immediately because you clearly have an addiction. Making a good hamburger, however, can be a little more complicated. Much like a steak, they are pretty easy to screw up. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be all that tough. Here are a few tips on what to do, what not to do, and what will cause me to back-trace your IP address and come blow up your propane tank.
The Good
Indent To Prevent - If you’ve ever grilled a burger and failed to put a divot in the center, you’ve probably noticed that the middle ballooned up, it cooked around the edge too quickly, or it otherwise turned itself into some sort of contortionist patty. As I stated at the outset of this “Guy’s Guide” column, I’m no Bill Nye. I don’t know, nor am I willing to perform the simple task of Googling, why this happens. What I do know is that if you give that sexy dead beast a thumb impression right in the middle, it will eliminate the problem. Do you really care how it works anyways? No, you don’t. Just pretend like you are on Dexter for a second and give a thumb print.
Keep It Cool- Unlike our steaks, with which we went to great lengths to ensure were room temperature, you want your burgers to be chilled when you are forming your patties. Some people even go so far as to wash their hands in freezing cold water before getting started. Cold meat is much easier to work with, and the last thing you want is to take a lot of time forming the patties. The less you mess with them the better. If the fat starts to melt away because you’re having too much fun going back and forth between a meatball and a patty, you might as well give it to the dog now. Just grab a handful of meat, press it down flat with one hand (about 3/4 inch is perfect), and use the other hand to round the edges.
Gimme The Butter Baby - Brush the patty with a little bit of butter before throwing it on the grill. No, this isn’t a Paula Dean, “everything’s better with butter,” move. It actually acts as a barrier to help the burger retain and cook in its own juices. It will also give it a good char flavor. Unlike the other two, this one isn’t all that necessary, but it definitely helps. Brushing the grates with a little olive oil will work in the same way as well, though be careful not to get overly aggressive as you might cause all sorts of flare-ups.
The Bad
Give It A Rest - Just because a burger isn’t as fancy as its good friend the strip steak, doesn’t mean that it too doesn’t need a break after cooking. Once it comes off the grill, give it a couple minutes to allow the juices to re-circulate throughout. It’s not going to need 8-10 like its counterpart, but it could still use 2-4 minutes before you dive in. After a couple minutes it will still be plenty hot, but that first bite will be much better. Some people (women) like to pretend they get better with age, but it’s actually true when it comes to your burger.
Tight’s Not Always Right - We’ve already discussed that you shouldn’t mess around for too long when forming the patties, but there’s another more critical thing to avoid. If you pack the burger too tight, you are going to end up with a very tough meal. In an effort to make it stay looking like a perfect disc on the grill, many people condense the patty too much. You need it just tight enough to retain the shape. Leaving more room within for the juices is the easiest way to ensure you get a nice tender and juicy burger when it’s all said and done.
The Blasphemous
Don’t Cut The Fat - Okay, so you are trying to watch your girlish figure. I get it. If that’s the case, go grab yourself a Michelob Ultra, a turkey burger, and the latest book with Fabio on the cover. We’re making real burgers here, and to do that, we need fat. Unless you’re feeding the dog or someone you hate, you are going to need somewhere between 75%-85% lean. Any more than that and nothing you do will make that burger juicy. Plus, a lot of it melts away during cooking, so you aren’t actually eating a burger that is 1/5th fat. This really is the key to a good burger, so if you can’t get on board with it, just shut the shop down now. I’ll probably do a post about chicken sometime down the road after I have my cholesterol checked; maybe that will be more up your alley.
Pressed For Time - Far and away the biggest mistake guys make at the grill is pressing down on the burger. Your guests are getting hungry and these things seem to be taking forever. Who cares? You are making them food, probably for free, so let them eat cake, I mean wait. Think about what happened the last time you took that big metal spatula to the top of a piece of meat. It sizzled a bit, the flames flew up, and you looked like super grillmaster 5000 because you were hard at work. But all that really happened is that you squeezed the juices out of the patty and down into your grill. Now your burger is dry and your grill is flaring like crazy. Sure you looked cool, but no one goes out to eat to watch the chef chop onions. It’s all about what you put on that bun. Just tell those waiting to go and make themselves another delicious Manhattan and that the burgers will be done when they’re done (you can check with a meat thermometer or by the hand test I showed in the steak article). If you don’t believe me, make two burgers side by side, pressing one and leaving the other. Trust me; you’ll never do it again.
These few do’s and don’ts won’t make you look like the coolest chef in town, but that’s why they make clever aprons. They will, however, help you make a better burger. There’s no harm in getting a little crazy with seasonings and toppings, but when it comes to the actually grilling, don’t mess around. You can add all the cheese, bacon, and fried egg you want, but if your burger looks and tastes like a hockey puck, no one is coming back next time, not even Jake.
If there’s something you think could use the Every Guys treatment, let me know. Right now I’m working with a few top notch bartenders to bring you the proper way to conduct yourself when ordering drinks, so be on the lookout for that. Any questions or comments, leave them here or feel free to come find me. I’m everywhere.
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