The Every Guy’s Guide: How to sext without getting caught
Colin Joliat 
I had a lovely article all ready to go this week about the ideal cocktails to sneak onto alcohol free beaches, but then some dumb schmuck had to go and get caught pulling a Brett Favre. When will guys learn not to send pictures of their junk to women? My guess would be never, but I suppose there is always hope the one day we’ll wise up.
For those somehow uninformed, Congressman Anthony Weiner –- yes, his last name is actually Weiner, feel free to snicker like a schoolgirl –- was exposed for sending a picture of his Oscar Mayer to a 21 year-old college student. In what comes as a total shock to people nowhere, that picture managed to make its way to the news.
The real question that needed to be answered before I could move further with this guide was to determine if anyone wanted the pictures anyways. If there aren’t any ladies out there who actually wanted to receive a dick-pic in their mailbox, then it’s clear that men are just harassing these poor women. In that case, it’s not cool at all. But if there were some who did enjoy getting an email from Johnson, then the next step is to prefect the technique. I took to Twitter and Facebook and asked “Ladies, would you ever want a picture of a dick texted to you? “ The answers weren’t all that surprising.
• YES!
• Call me old fashioned, but… no thanks! :)
• No. It is more something that you feel but don’t want to see.
• No, but it might make me laugh and I would show all my friends
• 75% of the time a dick text is more funny than anything. But I will not lie, there have been few times it’s a turn on.
• Only if I get to store it until a time which I deem prudent to blackmail said person.
• It’s not sexy and when we are out drinking we show our friends and laugh at how silly you are.
• It happened to someone I know…years ago. The guy put sunglasses on it. True story.
• I would be more receptive of these texts if all guys had the forethought to accessorize.
This was just a sample of some of the responses I received, but all in all it’s pretty representative of the whole. I also had one suggestion that I was phishing for an excuse to start sending out pictures.
What I took away from my ridiculously official survey is that you probably shouldn’t be sending out pictures of your package. With the exception of a few ladies, it was clear that nothing good would come dangling your piece over the Verizon. At some point that picture is going to come back and bite you. It will be held against you in the court of female opinion, and you will be destroyed. Even if it isn’t shared vindictively, do you really want women passing around a picture of your meat thermometer and laughing with each other?
I know what you’re thinking though. You know now that there are at least a few women out there who wouldn’t mind getting a picture of your unit so dammit you’re going to keep trying until you find one. Well if you are going to do it anyways, at least take a little bit of precaution.
While the simplest way to avoid getting busted for sending a photo from the private stock is to not send one, we all know that’s not going to happen. It’s a lot like trying to prevent unwanted pregnancies by abstinence education. At some point, you’re going to get drunk and just want to do it anyways.
Stick to a girlfriend or someone you know well. There are some people that can definitely be trusted with a dong shot, and they deserve a little love from time to time. They are much less likely to keep it and hold it over your head later in life. Just because they are trustworthy though doesn’t mean just send one out of the blue. Ask them to send you one, and if they do, you are probably safe returning the favor.
Make sure your face isn’t in the picture. If you stick to close ups, the worst thing that can happen is that your name gets attached to an image. At that point you’re still free to lie all your troubles away. If you give a full body shot, there’s no denying it, and you can almost guarantee that it’s going to end up on the internet somewhere.
There’s also nothing wrong with putting good old *67 to use (It’s not just for prank calls, folks!). It may not be foolproof, but at least if a girl is showing the picture to a friend your name isn’t sitting right there above it. I’m sure that phone records can show who actually called, but who gets statements anymore?
When in doubt, create a new email account. It takes about 45 seconds get a Gmail address, and it will help give you deniability. If you are somehow so dumb as to be taken to court, you are still screwed, but short of that you can swear up and down that it’s not your third leg. Plus, I’m sure she’ll appreciate getting it as an email instead of a text so she can see it full screen.
Admittedly, I’m far from an expert on the art of sexting. I’ve received a few pictures from a very special lady, but have never sent any in return. Even if there are experts about this sort of thing though, they would probably insist that you avoid it at all costs, and where is the fun in that? None of these tips make sending your tip a good idea, but if you must partake in this new and improved national pastime, they may help keep you out of trouble. If you have a funny story about sending or receiving a below-the-belt love letter, give us a heads up in the comments. It may give people out there a funny idea for the next time they get an itchy shutter finger.
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