The Every Guy’s Guide: Judging a girl by her bathing suit
Colin Joliat 
I think we can all agree that going to the beach is one of the greatest uses of time in the summer. It’s one of the few places where you can see hoards of women essentially walking around in their underwear without a special invitation or the risk of jail time. I don’t know why they differentiate so drastically between thong bikini and thong underwear, but who’s complaining? Just get yourself a pair of mirrored sunglasses and enjoy some good old-fashioned ogling.
While I’ll gladly check out a cute woman in anything from a bikini to a wet suit, all ladies swimwear is not created equally. You can tell a lot about a woman by the suit she chooses to wear. Is she high maintenance? Does she have body image issues? Does she want action or just to tease? With a little help from Kate Upton, here’s a hyperbolic guide to what her suit selection is trying to tell you.
One-Piece Disaster
There is nothing practical about a suit with absurd cutouts. She wants to show some skin but at the same time wants to hide it from you. She knows that the only people who wear something like this are models, and that’s just what she would be if she was just an inch or two taller. An added bonus for her is that the vicious tan lines also give her a reason to complain, which is one of her favorite pastimes. Sound like someone you know? Yes, this is the high-maintenance friend that we all have but wish we could shed. She’s endlessly needy and loves nothing more than causing drama. While she’s hot and you feel like the man being surrounded by a bevy of beauties, it’s not worth the stress. If you spot one of these, stay as far away as possible.
Frilly Bikini
I’ve never been a fan of excess material on a bathing suit. It’s distracting and has the capability of covering things that I would otherwise enjoy seeing. The real problem you need to worry about though is the type of person that wears one. If you’ve heard the term “girly girl” before, this is her. She probably described her new suit to all her friends by saying “OMG it’s like super cute.” Her bedroom, which is pink and covered in glitter, likely contains at least one My Little Pony even though she’s an adult. Also, and potentially worse, she’ll definitely give you all sorts of cutesy little nicknames, and there is no way to keep your dignity around a person like that. Unless you can turn your brain off, I’d avoid talking to this girl.
Low Cut Bottom
You can tell by how low the bottoms of this suit are cut that the woman wearing it loves to work out. She is clearly trying to show off her tight stomach, and I’m happy to let her do so. You run the risk of dealing with a non-eater though, and there’s nothing sexy about anorexia when it’s not just in a picture. The easiest way to test whether she got that body from hitting the gym or just eating baby carrots and ice is to offer her a drink with high calorie content, such as Yucka, and see her reaction. If she is disgusted, she most likely doesn’t eat. You want a girl who works out but is still down to throw back a few cocktails and have a good time. Commence flirting immediately. I’d recommend talking about the weather, that way she’ll blow you off, and I can talk to her… chicks dig that.
Chest Flair
Anyone who has chest flair typically has the breasts to back it up. Much like someone wearing short shorts with words on the butt, these girls know they need to draw your attention to what they consider to be their best asset. While that doesn’t bode well for her brains, I’m not going to sit here and judge (much). The upside to these women is that they have no problem with you checking out the goods. The downside is that they also typically get along better with guys than girls, to which it logically follows that they hang out in groups of guys not girls. Unless you don’t have any friends that would also like to speak to lovely ladies, just take a peek and walk away. Take a peek… and walk away. If you still insist on taking a run at her, request to play her boobs like bongos. There’ a good chance she’ll say yes. “Hail to the Victors” seems like the appropriate tune for the occasion.
Bottom Teaser
When a woman wears a suit with flair that close to the promised land, she wants you thinking about it. She’s drawing your attention to her sex center, but don’t think for a second that you are getting in there. You’ve come across the increasingly rare “tease.” She knows exactly what she’s doing and enjoys her new-found power over men. Every guy is thinking of all the things they would do to be with her, and she knows fully well she won’t do anything for them. If you are looking for a potential hookup for the night, move on. If you want a sexual deviant that you will have to pursue for months before sealing the deal, give it your best shot. While it takes some time to crack the tease, it’s well worth the wait.
Normal Yet Unique
This suit may fall under the category of normal, but the added lace means that the girl wearing it is far from ordinary. She didn’t want to stand out by wearing one of the other options in this list, but she didn’t want to blend in either. When not at the beach, you’ll most likely find her either at a concert listening to music that is about to be incredibly popular (don’t confuse that with a hipster) or people watching at a street fest. She’s easy going, fun, and gets along with just about everyone. If you want someone spontaneous and up for anything, this is your girl. The only downside though is that this same freewheeling attitude can also lead her to be a little flakey. You can’t be mad at a free spirit for blowing you off though, it comes with the territory.
Body Paint
If you come across a woman with a painted on swimsuit, there are two likely scenarios. Either you are at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally or you are in the presence of a model. You should quickly be able to tell the difference, but if not, look for black leather. If you see any, you are not on a beach. Be careful. If you are so fortunate as to find yourself face to face with a swimwear model, my kudos to you. I don’t know how you did it, but please let all of us know in the comments. Sadly I have no experience with people who are professionally good looking, so you are on your own with this one. Try not drooling though; I hear that’s a turnoff for the ladies.
This doesn’t cover every possible bathing suit you’ll see at the beach this summer, but it should give you an idea of what to keep an eye out for. The choices she makes can give you an immediate insight into her personality, and there’s no better time to make those assumptions than when she’s nearly naked. Regardless of what she’s wearing though, don’t do anything creepy or disrespectful. Just be happy you get to see a little skin and avoid ruining it for the rest of us.
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