The Every Guy’s Guide: Make an awesome group dinner
Colin Joliat 
I hate group dinners. It’s as simple as that. If there a ridiculously masculine term for social butterfly, that’s what I would consider myself, but there is still nothing I dislike more than when twenty of my friends get together at a restaurant for dinner and drinks. It seems, on the surface, like a great time. But you and I both know it never works out that way. You have the people who want to itemize, those who stiff the tax/tip, and then the dreaded credit card shit show. It’s amazing how easily a good idea can turn into a disaster, causing you to want to shut the night down right there.
If I could plan everything my way, it would work out just fine. The world hasn’t quite caught on to my genius though, so until then I will try to make small improvements wherever possible.
Plan Ahead
Making a reservation is a no-brainer. It never ceases to amaze me though how many times an amateur social planner will just assume there is a table for 15 open at 7pm on a Saturday. Be sure you call to lock down your seating earlier in the week. You not only ensure that your table will be available, but it also gives you a chance to try to sort things out beforehand. While making the reservation, ask if they will allow you to do separate checks. Tell them that in the past you’ve found it works out much better for the waitress’ pockets when everyone has their own bill in front of them. Worst case, they say no and you proceed with the rest of my advice.
For the sake of the article, we will assume that the maitre d’ told you that separate checks are for poor people, and they will have none of it. Get cash. Trying to coordinate how much goes on what card at the end of the meal is the quickest way to make you hate every single one of your friends. Swing by the ATM and take out more than enough money for the night. Then go buy yourself some gum. You see what happened there? Now not only do you have every possible change combination ready for paying your share, you also have minty fresh breath in the event you find yourself close talking with a lovely lady. Breaking out your Delta Discover card won’t impress her, but being able to chat while others are writing out a list of who pays what might.
Set the Ground Rules
When dealing with a large group, it’s safe to assume that you aren’t all going to order the same amount of food. It’s at least worth a shot though to convince people to all pick an entrée and then synchronize rounds of drinks. Add in a few apps for the table and you can split the tab evenly at the end of the night. Unless you’re at a high class restaurant, the entrées all tend to fall within a couple bucks of each other. $480 dived by 15 is far easier than $27 + $36 + $31.22 etc., so make your life easier and push for a straight split. You will also be the king of the table because you were prepared with the exact amount instead of being one of the many who have two twenties for a $32 tab. People love the guy who can make change.
Again, assume that the previous plan didn’t work out because your anorexic friend was just ordering a garden salad with fat free dressing on the side and an ice water with 6000 lemons. As you pass around the bill, don’t simply remind people to include tax and tip. That almost always results in people omitting the tax anyways. Instead, tell them to add 30% (in Chicago tax is 10%) to their total. It’s amazing how many times though people will look at what they owe, and then throw in 20% thinking that they are the most gracious person in the world. Unfortunately you’ve forgotten the tax, and on a $400+ check that is a huge discrepancy. The one or two people who aren’t horrible human beings always end up having to make up the difference for the sketchballs at the table. Rest assured, until they find out who stiffed them, they hate all of you. I am one of those people, so I speak from experience.
Keep Things Fresh
My final problem with big parties is that I really only get to talk to the five people around me. Why would I bother with the hassle of all the other aspects of the group outing when I am only enjoying the company of five? Unfortunately, it’s tough to cut a group down to just a party of six, so I make the best of it. Anytime someone gets up to go to the bathroom, I take their seat. Sure, it may sound like I’m a jerk, but it’s for the greater good. Mixing up the company justifies going out with so many. By the time the check comes, I feel as though I’ve dined with everyone. There’s nothing worse than the, “I feel like I didn’t even get to talk to you” conversation that almost always ensues on the way out. No, you didn’t get to talk to me, because you were 20 feet away even though we were at the same table. Maybe next time we can bring our laptops and video chat.
None of this is rocket science (RIP NASA Shuttle Program). They are just simple ways to ensure what should be a fun night is just that. With all the obnoxious little details out of the way, you can be free to enjoy the company of your friends like it’s meant to be — drunkenly. There are other sticking points when it comes to group dinners, but I didn’t want to come off like a complete sourpuss. If there are any that really stand out to you, go ahead and add your two cents. Lord knows we came up short on the bill again.
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