The Every Guy’s Guide: The perfect birthday shot
Colin Joliat 
It’s long been tradition when celebrating a birthday at the bar to buy the honoree a shot. This seems like a kind gesture for a friend, but anyone who has been on the receiving end of one of these “gifts” knows otherwise. I don’t know who began the trend of ordering gag-worthy drinks for the birthday boy, but it’s high time that practice comes to an end.
We’ve all taken terrible shots at some point in life. During high school, when I was absolutely 21, I would line up four shots of Bacardi Limon, throw a handful of Crystal Light powder in my mouth, and rip all four in a row. Smart? No. Delicious? Debatable. A choice I knowingly made? Absolutely. That’s the difference between my poor life decisions and the ones you make for your friend.
On a night when he is already staring down a dozen shots, the last thing a guy needs is some disgusting concoction showing up. Let’s examine a few of the go-to choices, and then find a suitable alternative. Obviously you still want it to be a memorable shot rough him up a bit, but that doesn’t mean it has to be gross.
Prairie Fire
In all my years saddled up to the bar, this shot of tequila with a splash of Tabasco was almost always accompanied by an evil cackle. The guy ordering it clearly had no intention of drinking it, nor did he plan to tell anyone what it was until the damage had been done. First of all, adding hot sauce ruins a perfectly terrible shot of well tequila. Second, why would you want your buddy to drink something that’s likely to make him puke when you still have to hang out with him for the rest of the night? Talk about a poor choice.
Instead of risking your amigo punching you in the face, why not just go with a decent shot of tequila? You don’t have to break the bank, just take it a step above your standard shot of El Toro (Yes, I know it has a cool sombrero for a top. Grow up). Any place worth its margarita salt should have at least one Don Julio behind the bar. It’s not the finest tequila on the shelf, but if your friend isn’t worth $10, why are you even buying him a shot? To fulfill that itch to make it tougher on him, go ahead and deny the lime and salt treatment. He shouldn’t need it anyways, but just saying no will make you feel better.
Cement Mixer
This terrible combination of Bailey’s and lime juice is just flat out stupid. If you are going to spend money on 1.5 ounces of liquid terror, at least make it alcoholic. Why bother overpaying for something if it isn’t going to contribute to his drunkenness? While the burning of the Prairie Fire might induce vomiting, the mid-swallow curdling of the Cement Mixer carries a 50% chance of causing a reversal of fortune.
If for some reason you are dead set on incorporating Bailey’s into your friend’s night, I recommend switching to a Hot Apple Pie instead. While it sounds like good ole American fun, this 50/50 mix of Bailey’s and Goldschlager with a dash of cinnamon makes a great contribution to the black out fund. It tastes surprisingly good and with gold at $1,500 an ounce, who doesn’t want to swallow a few flakes of gold leaf.
Three Wise Men
While solo, Jim, Johnnie, and Jack are all pretty fantastic, but when you mix them together you are just asking for trouble. Not only is it disrespectful to each of these fine upstanding gentlemen, it will also do a number on your stomach. Much like three strangers full of whiskey, they just can’t occupy a small space without fighting.
The whiskey route is always a good choice for shots, but you don’t have to create the ultimate showdown in order to make your friend feel the burn. Yukon Jack will take care of that for you. It’s not bottom of the barrel booze, so you don’t have to feel bad buying it, but it certainly isn’t something I’d like to drink every weekend. For a little extra fun, have the bartender hand over the bottle and make the birthday boy recite the motto before taking the shot.
Yukon Jack is a taste born of hoary nights, when lonely men struggled to keep their fires lit and their cabins warm. Boldly flavorful yet surprisingly smooth, there is no spirit like Yukon Jack.
There are plenty of other good options for celebratory shots; the key thing is to stop brutalizing each other on their birthday. You know your buddy is going to be plenty over-served, so do your part to at least keep those drinks in his stomach until he gets home instead of leaving them all over the bar’s bathroom. What’s the worst shot that you’ve ever bought or had someone buy you? I posed that question on Facebook and Twitter, and here were some of the responses.
* Daniel C: Whiskey and tabasco sauce… a close second was a shot of warm gin.
* Dave Z: The worst shot was No Shot. Cheap friends.
* Reid J: Smokers Cough: Jager + Mayo + Microwave until it’s warm..
* Matt C: Dishwasher detergent and gin. No idea why…oh wait, we were in college.
* @stephanief54: 151! Hands down. I was 21 and clueless.
* @SweetPayne78: Malört without question.
* @tyme2c: Not a birthday shot but purchased for me. Bloody Brain.
* @djmal24: Ron Burgandy (151, Johnny Walker Red, Bitters).
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