The Every Guy’s Guide to Labor Day
Colin Joliat 
Labor Day marks the official arrival of fall. It’s not technically Autumn until Sept. 23rd, but who cares what the rotation of the earth says? We have school, football, women in white, and Starbucks’ pumpkin lattes to tell us that summer is gone. It’s not entirely doom and gloom, though, thanks to football.
I cherish the idea that my Saturdays will now be spent with the Wolverines, and every Sunday will involve attempting to watch the Lions. Unfortunately, most wives, girlfriends, and kids typically don’t feel the same way. They are well aware that starting next weekend you will no longer be able to leave the house, unless it is to go to the stadium or the bar. It’s easy to say, “Eh, screw ‘em,” but what kind of person does that? Today is their last chance to get a little quality time with you, and you should get off the Internet immediately use this Labor Day to give it to them.
For The Married Man
If you want a no-hassle way to earn those last second brownie points, have a cookout. Nothing says family fun like an afternoon grilling and playing in the backyard or park, and it involves very little sacrifice on your part. This is also a perfect opportunity to secretly hone those tailgating skills under the guise of spending time with your family. Go ahead and perfect your burger technique so you don’t run into any unsuspected problems when you start cooking for the hungry masses next weekend.
Make sure, whether it’s at a cookout or elsewhere, that you spend time with your kids (assuming you have them). You don’t want those little rugrats tugging at your custom replica jersey next Sunday asking why you won’t play with them. If they are young, fly them around on your knees like an airplane for awhile. Kids love that stuff. Otherwise, play catch, visit the aquarium, or go to one of the last remaining Labor Day parades. Just find some sort of activity that you can do together, because unless that kid loves football, he might as well be an orphan for the next four months.
For The Boyfriend
No wife or kids? Good for you. If you have a girlfriend though, you are going to run into the same nagging problems. Take this opportunity to spend the day hanging out with her friends. You won’t be seeing much of them in the near future, so it’s good to remind them that you’re still around and are a decent guy. The last thing you want is her friends constantly in her ear talking about how you two never spend time together. Maintaining good relations with her gaggle is crucial to holding out all season. You don’t want to get to November and suddenly be stuck playing boyfriend on the weekends.
You aren’t going to like this suggestion either, but you should go shopping with her. I know it’s probably the worst thing I could ever recommend, but man up and do it. Almost every store is having a huge sale, so she will be more than happy to drag you out shopping, not that she ever needed an excuse. Follow my previous guidelines, grin, and bear it. This is the fastest way to build up the cache of good will you’ll need to make up for screaming at the TV all weekend. Plus, since she’s likely to buy all this stuff anyway, you managed to trick her into spending less on it. Chalk that up as a win, and blow the equivalent amount of cash on the first big pre-game party of the year.
For The Rest
No wife, no kids, no girlfriend? Well, you don’t really have much to worry about then do you? Unlike many, your main concern is that summer is coming to an end. Sure football season is great, but that doesn’t mean that you want the hot weather and sexy ladies to disappear (Beautiful women – why do you hibernate during the winter? Stop it!). There is only one thing you should be doing today and that is going to the beach. Break out those mirrored sunglasses and spend the entire day soaking up the sun and the view on the hot sand. Labor Day is the official end of beach season, so celebrate accordingly.
It’s easy to forget why Labor Day is a holiday. Most people don’t know that it was created because the US Military killed a number of striking workers and Congress thought a day off was a suitable way of making up for it (Thanks Wikipedia). It’s a good enough reason for me. The holiday has long since turned into a day for family and relaxation, with very little in the way of honoring laborers, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Cruise by your local Home Depot, find a day laborer, and give him $10 bucks for nothing. What better way to celebrate than by helping out the one person still out there trying to work today?
Labor Day is a bittersweet holiday. On one hand, the heat and fun of summer is now behind us. On the other though, football season has finally arrived. It’s tough to juggle your gridiron loyalties and your real life, but hopefully you managed to earn enough points today to carry you through to the playoffs. If not, there’s always game tracker.
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