7 times it’s socially acceptable to be an a-hole
Jason Epstein
We know we’re supposed to be nice, well-mannered, sweet young men cuz’ our moms told us that over and over again when we were kids. But, everyone deserves to be an a-hole from time to time. The trick is to channel that a-holiness during the right situations. Here’s a list of times it’s okay to do just that.
7 When Faced with Incompetent or Inconsiderate Drivers
You’ve got every right to blaze by a slow driver who has wrongly committed themselves to the fast lane. Not by state law of course, but by man law. If a driver is taking forever to change lanes or doesn’t use their signal to do so, you can honk at them. You see, the honk is an important part of the very limited repertoire of communication we have between drivers. If you don’t use it, how will all these other motorists know that they’re driving like a bunch of fantastic asses? Honk because you care.
6 When Faced with Slow Walkers
When a couple decides to cover the entire width of the sidewalk arm in arm blocking all who attempt to walk faster than them, make your way around them instead of being polite and holding back. Or if you’re feeling particularly annoyed by their obliviousness, you can feel free to just burst through them. According to societal conventions, muttering something along like the lines of “excuse me” will make up for this.
5 If You’re On a Long Bathroom Line and Nature is Calling
The public bathroom is a first come first serve type deal, but we all know that the urgency of the last person in line could easily be worse than the urgency of the person in front. Some bathrooms have an entrance and an exit so here’s a tip: if you really have to evacuate the six pack of Beast Ice you just downed, then enter through the exit. Or better yet, pee on a nearby cop car.
4 When The Truth Needs to Be Pointed Out
Sometimes you’ve got to say something that’s as hurtful as it is helpful. Believe it or not, this is what sets apart the fair-weather friends from the real ones. “Hey buddy, I just wanted to let you know that I care about you too much to see you pack on anymore weight. Put down the lamb shank and start using the stairs.”
3 If She’s The Kind of Girl That Loves A-Holes
If you’re nice to a girl that likes jerks, then you’re going to have a problem. Do yourself a favor and treat her just a little worse than she treats you and you’ll be giving her exactly what she wants. So just to reiterate: neglect her, make fun of her and ignore her. She’ll love to hate it.
2 When You’re Revenging
Do you know why revenge is so sweet? Not because it undoes the damage done to you, but because it’s the perfect excuse to unleash some damage on your foe. The best way to do this is by keeping your intentions a secret so it’s not only nasty, but a nasty surprise.
1 The Internet
Ah, the Internet. Home to creatures far more frightening than any horror story. You’ll find trolls, fan boys, pseudo-intellectuals, attention whores, and Guyism writers. The best defense is a good offense. If you’ve been attacked “verbally” you should defend yourself with the following: make your point, make it short and sweet and make it hit hard.
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