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9 of the worst places you might take a first date

9 of the worst places you might take a first date

  • 9 of the worst places you might take a first date

    AndyRobertsPhotos, Flickr

    A first date can be stressful. There is a lot of awkward potential for it to go wrong. Starting with where you go for it. The places listed here are common first date spots with a couple of wild cards thrown in. None of which you should use. Good luck to you brave young man. If all else fails drink heavily.

    Photo credit: AndyRobertsPhotos, Flickr -Jim Brennan

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  • 9 Camping

    According to the Travel Industry Association of America (TIA), 1 in 5 Americans have gone camping in the past year. One third of U.S. adults have gone camping in the past five years. I’m going to venture a wild guess here…not many of these people were on first dates. Camping is fun and getting wild in the wild might be a date option further down the line. For the first time though this might be too bold a suggestion. Jason Voorhees did a lot of murdering in the woods. It’s just too isolated. The lady isn’t going to have a good time if she’s thinking about her impending rape and murder.

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  • 8 Movies

    Now this is something a lot of people actually do on a first date. I hate it. I read an article on CNN saying it was a good idea because maybe you both like the same movie and therefore learn you share similar interests. Men and women like different movies though. Valentine’s Day made $216 million. I love Demolition Man and farting. There is a better chance of having your first fight while trying to pick a movie than realizing you are soul mates. Also you’re just getting to know somebody and you’re going to sit in silence for two hours? This is a momentum killer. There is nowhere to go from here except awkward talking about characters from a movie, that you disagreed on seeing, like they are real fucking people. Don’t do it!

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  • 7 Parent’s House

    According to Anita Naik’s Flirtology: Over 1000 Way to Release Your Inner Flirt. Taking a date to your parent’s house is a bad idea. You already know this. You’re not an idiot. We have smart readers here at Guyism. Some of you though might be thinking this is funny in an ironic sense. Like watching bad movies or getting a feather earring. It’s not dude. This is even scarier than the woods. I can’t speak for women but I’d prefer to take my chances getting raped than meeting somebody’s parents. And that’s just in general. Let alone on a first date.

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  • 6 Ice Skating

    You see this often in movies. The couple laughing. Holding hands. Awkwardly skating into each other. Falling down. Laughing some more. If it’s your first time skating though it’s not as adorable as it looks on the big screen. It’s cold. You’ve got snot on your face. And when you fall down it’s not funny. It really hurts. If she laughs at you you’re not going to want to clumsily pull her down on top of you. You’re going to want to kick up from the ground and go for the throat slash. Hiya!

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  • 5 Chinese Buffet

    I have a friend who actually got brought to a Chinese buffet on a first date. I guess because nothing makes you want to have sex like eating egg rolls until they’re coming out of both ends. The best way to get to somebody’s heart is through their Pepto Bismol. I actually am a fan of the Chinese buffet. I go for the pizza and french fries. And I watched an epic Jell-O eating contest there once. It’s not good for a first date though.

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  • 4 Zoo

    This seems like a cute safe idea. Zoo attacks happen often though. Do an Internet search of it and you’ll see dozens of examples. And this might be the worst place on the list to be drinking at. In 2007, at the San Francisco Zoo, three drunk guys yelled at a tiger. It jumped over the fence and attacked them. Killing one and seriously injuring the other two. This tiger didn't like pepper or cinnamon. Unless those were the names of the guys he was eating. Getting buzzed on a first date is a necessity. Just don’t run the risk of asking a panda bear what he’s looking at and then him biting off your date’s face.

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  • 3 Museum

    You know this place doesn’t “come alive” at night right? Theodore Roosevelt isn’t going to tape you and your date in a hot three way with Sacagawea. This is boring. So boring. You silently walk your date around the exhibits. She might be a nerd and start feeling the intellectual side you’re showing. More likely though this is a slow momentum killer that is getting you nowhere.

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  • 2 Picnic

    This is another cute idea that isn’t as fun as it looks. You’re on the ground. Outside. Know what else is down there? Bugs. All it takes is one ant to crawl across your bare leg and you are going to be imagining them all over you for the rest of the day. You’re scratching at phantom ants dude. Also it’s tough to get comfortable sitting on the ground. Eventually you are going to want to lay down and it’s not fun. Van Gogh laid down in a field once. Only because he had just shot himself though. What are you going to do down there? Guessing cloud shapes is for babies. You can’t just go to sleep in the middle of a date. You’re certainly not getting laid after scratching at all those phantom ants in your crotch. She probably thinks you have crabs.

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  • 1 Mall

    This is the 18 and over first date spot. Dangerous though. The mall is a tricky spot for a first date. There are girls of borderline jailbait age walking around wearing less and less clothing every year. They must shop for clothes at some stripper store I don’t know about. When these girls talk about “the gap” they aren’t taking about tasteful preppy clothes. You’re eyes are going to wander around these strumpets. Your date is going to know you for the pig you are. Any chance of her not thinking of you as a pig will be gone when you go to the food court. That’s not the cuisine of a sophisticated man. It’s straight up diarrhea fuel.

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