Kidnapper lands Xbox 360 as ransom

Pop quiz, hotshot: how much would you give up in exchange for the safe return of your fiance’s kidnapped nephew?

If you said “my Xbox 360,” congratulations, because you’re just as wealthy as John Dugger of Kingsport, Tennessee. Which is really unfair because this guy coughed up his gaming system to some random kidnapper in lieu of money he doesn’t have.

To wit, from the official police report, via The Smoking Gun (Mr. Begley is the man kidnapped, while Mr. Seal, pictured left with “Bradley Marshall, aka Sam,” is the kidnapper):

Mrs. Begley stated that Mr. Seal told her that he had already blacked Mr. Begley’s eye and that it would get a whole lot worse unless she brought the money. Mrs. Begley ended up making contact with her neighbor, John Dugger, who is Mr. Begley’s aunt’s fiance. I spoke with Mr. Dugger and he stated that he talked on the phone with Mr. Seal. He stated that he told Mr. Seal he did not have any money but said he had an Xbox 360 that is worth $400 to $500 if he would take it in exchange for Mr. Begley. Mr. Dugger said Mr. Seal agreed to this

In case you couldn’t figure it out, Mr. Seal is the kidnapper. He accused Mr. Begley (the kidnapee) of stealing rings from a work site, because Mr. Seal’s also Mr. Begley’s boss of Mr. Begley! So that’s kind of awkward.

More awkward? Mr. Seal (again, the kidnapper) is also Mr. Begley’s … wait for it … FATHER-IN-LAW. So, to sum up, all of these people in this tiny Tennessee town swapping Xboxes for the human beings.

And they’re all related.

And, most importantly, we’ll have to build a rectangular fence around the state by the time 2030 gets here just to keep the mutants out. Hopefully they’ll still be able to fax out police reports though.

--- Did you like this article? And you probably like contests, exclusive content, and smug commentary right? Then why aren't you liking Guyism on Facebook? Show some pride and click the "Like" button below right now: