8 sports that even 3-D television won’t be able to save

Now nobody is forcing us to watch them, but you have to admit that there are some “sports” out there that no type of television coverage can save. You could put them in HD, 3-D and project them against The Great Wall and a good portion of us still wouldn’t be interesting in watching them. Even with cable channels looking to fill time slots, these sports are probably best left to be covered by sports writers and accidental spectators; and the addition of a 3-D viewing experience just isn’t going to make these sports any easier to watch.

8 Curling
Ahh, curling. It’s the equivalency of bowling in the United States. It’s like watching bowling except 1) it is much quieter, 2) old people think it’s “just the right speed”, and 3) it’s on ice. The only thing that could make this better is if one of the Olympic mascots jumped in a Zamboni, went crazy running over people on the ice and then went on a high speed chase through the host city, robbing banks and taking hostages — maybe, maybe that would make it worth watching. “Quatchi takes another hostage and it looks like we’re down another stone” needs to happen before I watch a block of curling in its entirety.

7 Golf
I enjoy playing golf, but even with the greatest HD TV set in the world couldn’t make golf exciting. Sure, it’s sometimes OK to watch when Tiger Woods is in the hunt for championship trophy, but if Tiger isn’t putting it near the hole most folks aren’t tuning in. Playing golf can be refreshing and relaxing (depending on your foursome and alcohol intake) but on TV, it’s like afternoon Ambien. Everybody is whispering; a lot of standing around; a lot more floral patterns than you’re comfortable with — it’s like being at church , but it’s outside and there is a lot more swearing than should be socially acceptable. Oh Tiger, you gotta start making this more interesting again without visiting the 19th, 20th, 29th, and 45th hole…

6 Horse Dancing (Dressage)
I don’t know what it’s really called, I just know it should be called “Horse Dancing.” Who even decided this was an Olympic sport? The horse does most of the work anyway. I’m sure there is skill involved but I don’t like watching anything competitively dance under any circumstances. And while animals dancing is one of the staples of my sense of humor, watching a horse do the horse version of the Charleston while a woman in a top hat kicks it in the kidneys isn’t exactly something I’m clamoring to see. However, the minute you put a wizard hat on the horse, a jockey in a clown uniform and both of them doing the Electric Slide to Putting on the Ritz – we’re in business.

5 Canoeing
Look, I know it’s probably insanely hard to become a great canoer. It has to take exceptional upper body and cardiovascular strength… it’s making me tired just typing it. You probably get up at dawn and row a boat around a lake for the rest of the day while a man with a megaphone barks orders. That sucks for you and me, because I have no idea of knowing how hard everyone is rowing till the end of the race. It’s just a repeated monotonous motion and I don’t know how to cheer properly. What am I supposed to yell? “Row faster you son of a b**ch!” just doesn’t feel right. The participants all seem only mildly athletic and there are boats without the words “bumper” or “speed” in front, so, I guess, just wake me if you get attacked by pirates.

4 Cross Country Skiing
The start of these are usually pretty cool as the skiers blast out of the starting gates to get some momentum, but then gradually slow down to a steady, monotonous pace. The few times I’ve watched this event I’ve secretly wanted to watch everyone have their skis get tangled up and fall in a pile and roll down the hill in a giant snowball that will inevitably roll through the ski lodge, but that almost never happens unless I’m watching the Cartoon Network. At least with the Biathlon they give them guns to shoot — and anytime you get a gun involved in a sporting endeavor, it automatically becomes five times more interesting. Cross country is just marathon running in snow till you get firearms involved…

3 Rhythmic Gymnastics
When there are turquoise flags involved that is an immediate red flag that this sport is suspect at best. Hmmm, I don’t like regular gymnastics, but I like throwing balls in the air and waving a flag — I’m going to stop you there because none of those are activities I would pay to watch someone do unless you count Sam Bradford fumbling a ball while waving a surrender flag as Patrick Willis comes through the line and destroys him. Sure it does take a lot of athletic ability to compete, but I’d be more inclined to feed my niece a two liter of Coke and a pack of Oreos and watch her dance around with a bowling ball, hula hoop and a jump rope I found in the garage. Because how are those tiny arms gonna catch that bowling ball while hula hooping? See, that’s the intrigue I demand from my sports.

2 Track Cycling
It’s not that they just go around in circles really fast (that could somehow be interesting), it’s just a tough watch because you know that somebody is going to fall at some point and even if it’s the French guy falling, you still never want to see someone lose about 2/3 of the skin on some part of their body because they fell off a bike and slid 50 yards on their knees. We’ve all had bike accidents and it just brings up bad memories when you watch someone wipe out on a bicycle.

1 Long Distance Running
I was in an Ethiopian restaurant in DC during the last Olympics and there was an entire bar full of people there watching the an Ethiopian running in the men’s marathon and I have to say, Ethiopians get a pretty raw deal. What’s more boring than watching a bunch of guys run at slightly different speeds for several hours? The answer is nothing. Here’s a shot of some guy running, here’s a shot of another guy running a little slower and now back to the guy running slightly faster. For almost three hours they watched on the edge of their seats. If Ethiopia ever gets good at another sport, people’s heads in that bar will explode. Anything is more interesting than watching people run for a few hours, I mean how many highlights other than the final 10 seconds do you ever see of marathon running anyway?

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