A Conversation with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

In light of his recent speeches at Columbia University as well as the United Nations, I decided to sit down with Mr. Ahmadinejad to get his perspective on several different topics.

Me: Welcome and Thank you for speaking with me on your brief stay in the States.

Ahmadinejad: Are you Muslim?

Me: No, I’m Christian actually

Ahmadinejad: You’re opinion doesn’t matter then

Me: Um ok, let’s move on. You recently stated that there is no homosexuality in Iran

Ahmadinejad: Yes, there are no gays

Me: But yet, Amnesty International said there were over 200 executions in Iran alone this year, among them homosexuals.

Ahmadinejad: This is true

Me: That doesn’t make sense. If there was no homosexuals in Iran, why would there be a need to execute them?

Ahmadinejad: You don’t make sense. President Bush is a gay himself probably.

Me: Um, Im pretty sure he’s not gay but you are not answering the question.

Ahmadinejad: Next question

Me: What?

Ahmadinejad: “Next question” This is what my agent, Drew Rosenhaus, told me to say when I cant answer a question.

Me: Wait, Drew Rosenhaus is your agent?

Ahmadinejad: Yes

Me: But Drew Rosenhaus is Jewish. You have emphatically stated before that you don’t believe the Holocaust happened and that Israel should be destroyed.

Ahmadinejad: There is no evidence for the Holocaust.

Me: Ok, if that’s true, where did those 6 million people go? Did they vanish into thin air?

Ahmadinejad: The Jews are rich and have a lot of power. They are hiding them somewhere, like in a big bunker.

Me: Do you think its even possible to hide 6 million people in a bunker?

Ahmadinejad: You are an infidel.

Me: Ok, lets talk about education and academics in Iran.

Ahmadinejad: I am smarter than your President Bush. He went to pitiful institution of Yale, I went to Iran U. Iran U is #1 school in Iran per US News and World Report rankings. Have you not ever heard of the Iran University Mujahideens? We have great football team. I was team mascot for 4 years.

Me: I did not know that. Thanks for that information.

Ahmadinejad: You are welcome but you are still an infidel.

Me: Anyways, getting back on topic, in 2006, you instituted a plan to try and limit the number of female students at your universities. Is that true?

Ahmadinejad: No, you are full of lies. We institute plan so there is no more than 50% females in universities.

Me: So there cant be more women than men in Universities? Isnt that what I just said?

Ahmadinejad: No, you talk too much. Shut your mouth, do not speak

Me: But how can I conduct an interview if I cant talk?

Ahmadinejad: Next question

Me: (Blank Stare)

Ahmadinejad: HAHA! What is the expression “dog got your tongue”?

Me: Its actually “cat got your tongue”

Ahmadinejad: This is proof of American stupidity. Stupid saying for stupid people. I am so happy that I am president of the “I hate America” Club. We meet every Tuesday at 9pm for pizza with no pepperonis ofcourse.

Me: Really?

Ahmadinejad: Yes. Me, Kim Jong Il, Osama Bin Laden, and Muqtada Al-Sadr. Good people but Osama is a little quiet these days. I think he is bored. It has been too long since we did 9/11 together.

Me: So you did have a hand in 9/11?

Ahmadinejad: Next question

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