Barry Bonds’ trial is producing some hilarious quotes

If you haven’t been paying attention to the Barry Bonds trial, well, join the club. Baseball fans and the general public alike are so far removed from the Bonds bulls$%# that most can’t even remember how many years its been since he actually mattered in the sports world.

Yes, Bonds used steroids, there is no doubt about that.
Yes, Bonds probably lied to investigators and should go to jail for perjury.
And yes, the U.S. government is wasting far too much time and energy on this.

The only redeeming quality of this entire ordeal is the testimony and quotes that have been delivered on the stand, mostly from Bonds former mistress Kimberly Bell. If anything, it provides comic relief in an otherwise dull sports week.

So far, this is what Miss Bell has told us about Barry and his genitals

The shape, size of his testicles were smaller. He had some trouble keeping an erection. He tried some things to resolve that.

Bell said she listed all the women she knew that Bonds was sleeping with: a model in New York, another woman in Las Vegas and “the stripper from Phoenix.”

“This is the guy who you described as having penile dysfunction,” Arguedas said. “That’s a lot of action.”

Bonds covered his mouth in an apparent attempt to suppress a grin.

“I don’t know what he was doing with them,” Bell responded. “I can only imagine.”

On Barry’s pick-up lines

“He said: ‘Damn girl, you’re fine,’” said Bell, who occasionally dabbed at tears.

On Barry’s anger issues

Bonds told Bell he would “cut my head off and throw me in a ditch,” and that he would “cut out my breast implants because he paid for them.”

So, in summary–Barry Bonds is angry in general, about life, because he has small balls. He tries to compensate by using cheesy lines to pick-up women. And when that doesn’t work he threatens to cut their breasts off.

That, my friends, is your week 1 update on the Barry Bonds trial. More to come next week when we find out about Bonds bacne, his head tripling in size, and his inevitably low sperm count.

Stay tuned!

--- Did you like this article? And you probably like contests, exclusive content, and smug commentary right? Then why aren't you liking Guyism on Facebook? Show some pride and click the "Like" button below right now: