Jesus Responds to Dana Jacobson

After Dana Jacobson dropped the F bomb on him, Jesus has finally decided to defend himself. One can only take so much abuse you know. And since Jesus cant come himself, he has decided to send one of his disciples to do his fighting for him.

No, not Peter or John you Bible Thumpers out there. Jesus is sending the next best thing.

Christian Crusader and Minister

JON KITNA

Kitna has readily accepted the challenge on behalf of the Lord and Jacobson, well, she has some time off to ponder her Vodka swilling ways. A 3 round bout is scheduled.

Guyism previews the fight. Who has the edge?

Kitna: 6’2″, 220lbs, 35 years old, Detroit Lions QB

vs.

Jacobson: 5’8″ 145lbs(on a good day) 36 years old, ESPN host

Athletic Ability

Kitna:

Jacobson: Well, she was able to coherently roast Mike and Mike while drinking Belvedere Vodka by the liter. She was still standing up at the end which is quite an athletic feat.

Advantage: Jacobson

Patience and Poise

Kitna: Throws INTs and fubmles whenever pressured.

Jacobson: Dealing with that annoying hack Skip Bayless cant be easy on an everyday basis. The fact she hasnt killed him yet is a testimony to her will.

Advantage: Jacobson

Smack Talking

Kitna: Put it this way, if Smack Talking was an actual football statistic, we might finally get a QB in Detroit in the Pro Bowl. He predicts 10 win seasons and he talks junk about Cowboys defensive players.

Jacobson: Really never came strong until the Jesus rant. She’s often pushed around by other cast members because of her UM affiliation.

Advantage: Kitna

Escape ability

Kitna: Sacked 114 times in a two year span. Unable to run away from fat defensive linemen.

Jacoboson: Somehow escaped the advances of Woody Paige and fellow co-host Jay Crawford

Advantage: Jacobson

Intangibles

Kitna: Jesus has his back so can you really argue with Divine Intervention?

Jacobson: She really has nothing going for her here. If she had some Erin Andrew like curves, we’d consider it. Get some C or D cups and then come talk to me.

Advantage: Kitna

Overall Advantage: Jacobson 3-2

Prediction

From the outset it would seem that Kitna would have an advantage here because after all, he is a NFL player. Expect Kitna to try and bore Jacobson to death in the first round with his incessant preaching but Jacobson will probably be well into her second fifth of vodka by the time the fight starts. That spells trouble for Kitna as Jacobson will go into a drunken rage and throw wild haymakers. Thinking its a Lions game and not wanting to get hit anymore, Kitna rolls up into a ball and takes a KO without even getting touched.

Jacobson in the first with a KO!

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