The 25 coolest names in the NFL

A lot can be said about a cool name. It can change the way people look at you. Say your parents give you a badass name like Spike. Now the chances of you getting beat-up at school probably go way down when you’ve got a name like that. Spike conjures up fear in people. However, the chances of you getting pistol whipped behind a seedy strip club or a tattoo parlor in Chicago would seemingly grow exponentially, as well. It’s truly a double edged sword of names. Kinda like “Smokey.” Nobody would trust a guy named with the name Smokey. Not even to spread the word on forest fire prevention. Take your ranger hat and go peddle your policies somewhere else hippie!

D’Brickashaw Ferguson got his last name from his father, pictured above, left.

That’s why I feel that it’s important for athletes to have cool names like “Pistol” Pete, Warren Moon, and lest we forget NASCAR Legend “Tricky” Dick Trickle. I’ve played so much Madden over the years I sort of expect to see cool names. I’ve been Maddenized to think that the name “Sleepy Woods” is a practical name for a 385 lb Left Tackle. And more practically than that, he has bad morale and my scouts say they are skeptical about his work ethic. They say “bust.” I say “Bengal.”

Future mothers of NFL players of the future: name your kid something cool. Preferably something easy to add a superlative to the front of. I’ve seen enough of this Steve Smith stuff; I’m ready to see a “Sugar” Ray Sanderson lace-up for the 49ers or a Thorax McBonecrusher getting arrested for battery while on the sideline of a Raider game.

With that in mind here are the only 25 names worth mentioning in no particular order:

1. Atari Bigby – SS – Packers: Not Since Ralph Wiggum uttered the words “Hello, principal Skinner. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!” has a video game joke given me as much joy on a Sunday, as those that are made about Atari* “If he’s there, where the hell is Q-Bert!” and “He’s only playing hard to impress Miss Pacman.’ jokes never get old for me…until the second quarter.

2. Rock Cartwright – RB – Redskins: Sounds a bit pornish, but in a cool way. Think about it–you wouldn’t be surprised to read that Rcok Cartwright was seen hanging out with Dirk Diggler and Chest Rockwell at the Viper Room, would you? If you saw him in a picture with Burt Reynolds, you wouldn’t be surprised. Admit it.

3. Xavier Omon – RB – Bills: Xavier Oman walks over to me and says “Hi, my name is Xavier Omon.” And I say, “Bullcrap.”

4. Donald Driver – WR – Packers: Sounds like the name of an antagonist character on the show “Mad Men.” Don Draper meet Don Driver, the president of a rival marketing agency. He and his associate Glenn Dorsey would like to have a word in private with you.

He is Winston Justice. The plyometric workout ball is his Batmobile.

5. Winston Justice – LT – Eagles: I’m a football player by day, but a comic book hero by night. Wherever there is a Defensive End rushing toward an innocent Quarterback; Justice shall prevail. Especially if said QB has a history of ticky-tack injuries…

6. Kevin Boss – TE – Giants: Only could a player named “Kevin Boss” could end up playing in New Jersey. He was destined to play there. He had to play there. It’s science…

7. Evander Hood – DE – Steelers: If I blindfolded you and told you that I’d give you $100 if you let somebody hit you in the face and the guy who was going to punch you was named Evander Hood–would you let him hit you? You’d probably count your teeth and think of the dentist and decline the shot at $100 dollars. Nine times out of ten; getting punched by a man Named Evander Hood is not a good idea.

8. Drew Brees – QB – Saints: Name sounds like a rapper, but you’d be hard pressed to find anyone farther away from a rapper than this Drew Brees.

10. Dantrelle Savage – RB – Chiefs: Sounds like a name of a character in “Lord of the Flies.” I’d be instilled with a little more fear if he were taller than 5’8’, but a cool name nonetheless.

Tully Banta Cain hits with the powers of mbube.

11. Tully Banta Cain – LB – Patriots: Sounds like he could be his own 80’s hair metal band or a member of Ladysmith Black Mambazo. You’ve got it made either way.

12. Geoffry Pope – CB – Bengals: Cause you never get to hear stuff like, “Pope comes over the middle and delivers a spine shattering shoulder that jars the ball lose and that fumble leads to a game winning touchdown,” outside of the Vatican video game room.

13. Roscoe Parish – WR – Bills: Think of how much more awesome your life would be if you name was Roscoe Parish. Go ahead, I’ll wait…yeah, a buddy cop movie or your own line of breakfast sausages.

14 -17. D’Brickshaw Fergeson – T- Jets, Lito Shepard-CB- Eagles, Marcus Spears-DE-Cowboys, and Antonio Pierce-LB-Giants: These guys all fall into the same category. If someone that looked like a football player walked up to you and said “I’m Marcus Spears and I play DE for the Dallas Cowboys,” I’d probably believe them. They just all sound like players that would play those positions don’t they?

18. Le’Ron McLain – RB – Ravens: He sounds like he could be a running back or the son of Bruce Willis in all the “Die Hard” films. This name is awesome because every time I see him score a touchdown–I think that some German millionaire who has money on the other team screaming in a thick German accent “McClain! You‘ve screwed me for the last time!!!” while firing a semi-automatic machine gun into some heirloom chandelier in his mansion.

19. Rex Grossman -QB – Houston Texans: Never has a name been so apropos. Only in Chicago.

20. Pierre Garcon – WR – Colts: Everyone has been enamored with this French-sounding receiver over the past few weeks. Sure you love him now, but just wait till he starts giving up on plays once the games start to get close…

Johnnie Lee Higgins somehow escaped the rulle that three names equals serial killer or country star

21. Johnnie Lee Higgins – WR – Raiders: With this name he could have played piano in Elvis Pressley’s band or been nabbed in an assassination attempt of Ronald Regan. Check his locker for a copy of “Catcher in the Rye.” That‘s usually a dead giveaway…

22. Captain Munnerlyn – CB – Panthers: If your parents have the balls to name you “Captain,” you’d sure as hell better be awesome at something. And you had better get used to a barrage of nautical themes humor at your expense. You could join the Navy and become Captain Captain Munnerlyn; a double Captain–beat that crap, Ahab.

23. Haloti Ngata – RE – Ravens: They sing that song about him in “The Lion King” and I like the movie “The Lion King.”

24. Macho Harris – FS – Eagles: Usually the use of the word “macho” in sports is relegated to video game characters, professional wrestlers, and monster truck racing. Meaning that this may be one of the all-time great football names.

25. Hawk McKnight – RB – Seahawks: See, I made this one up. If I ever have a player named Hawk McKnight on my fantasy football team…my job here was done.

* I have done enough Pacman Jones jokes to last two lifetimes. I refuse to make anymore.

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