Top 14 reasons to support the new USFL

Posted by Douglas Charles on June 23rd, 2009 at 6:30 am

Did you miss the announcement that the very best non-NFL football league in my lifetime (I’m not old enough for the AFL) is coming back? Well, now you haven’t. I want you to put your hands together, stomp your feet, and achieve full non-ironic rigidity for the return of the league that should have never, ever, gone away. Here are just a few of the reasons why I’m dangerously excited. (And why 14? Because that’s Chuck Fusina’s number, dammit. And Chuck Fusina kicked ass.)

14) Thrilling headgear!

13) The Philadelphia franchise leads the league in titles won, and damn, it’s nice to have a league in which I can say that

12) If the NFL works with the new league, rather than against it, it might be able to slide Al Davis over without him noticing

11) Don’t you want to tailgate for football during weather that doesn’t, you know, suck?

10) There’s going to be a second US football league in your lifetime. Don’t you want it to be free of Mark Cuban?

9) If it succeeds this time, it’s bound to piss off Donald Trump (who was, let’s be candid, the single biggest reason why it went under in the first place)

8) Aren’t you desperate to see pro football without the World Wide Lemur coverage? Just imagine what the TNT crew could do with this thing, hopefully with a Barkley-esque loose cannon analyst. Want, Want, Want. (And if the Lemur does get it, I insist that they use the classic graphics.)

7) Could lead to a comeback in classic ’80s-style mustaches among pro football players

6) It would be nice to go to a pro game without (a) taking out a third mortgage, (b) getting short shrift from generations of season ticket holders, and (c) freezing my nips off when the games got important

5) Look at these rules — four point safetys, one foot in bounds on catches, three-point conversions from the 10-yard-line, four-point field goals from over 50 yards, and college-style overtime (OK, that last one stinks). Think Vegas has any idea how to put a point spread on any of this? Hell no. This thing’s going to be a bigger goldmine to degenerate gamblers than the WNBA

4) Would eradicate the three-month hell season between the NBA Finals and the start of the NFL season

3) That initial USFL fantasy draft would be the most random and ridiculous thing you’ve ever done, and would double the number of best days of the year to two

2) Would make a whole generation of aging sports bloggers (cough) feel so very much younger

1) Validates my decision to decorate my entire Man Space in USFL memorabilia

--- Did you like this article? And you probably like contests, exclusive content, and smug commentary right? Then why aren't you liking Guyism on Facebook? Show some pride and click the "Like" button below right now:

Douglas Charles Douglas Charles, aka "DC Scrap," is the managing editor of Guyism.com. His experience includes operating an assortment sports and entertainment Web sites over the past decade, but his specialty is discovering sexy women from all over the world that he knows he will never have a chance with, let alone meet - a quality he shares with 99.99% of his readers.