Virginia is set to execute a man who killed a teen girl then bragged about it to prosecutors once he thought he could not face the death penalty.

Thirty-one-year-old Paul Warner Powell is scheduled to die at 9 p.m. at Greensville Correctional Center in Jarratt. He chose to die by electrocution rather than lethal injection.

Powell was convicted in 2000 and sentenced to death for fatally stabbing 16-year-old Stacie Reed of Manassas. He also raped and attempted to kill her 14-year-old sister.

The Virginia Supreme Court overturned that verdict, and Powell wrote a taunting letter to prosecutors detailing the crime. He was convicted again in 2003.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense to me here…clearly they knew he committed the crimes, otherwise why would he have been found guilty and sentenced to the death penalty in the first place? So how come the crimes alone didn’t warrant the death penalty? He did something horrific, he gets the death penalty. It shouldn’t be re-reversed just because he gave the prosecutors a little “nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah.” It should have not been reversed in the first place just because the guy is scum for doing it in the first place.

Anyway, he’ll be dead tonight. I’m just hoping there isn’t some sort of problem in the powerlines tonight that would make his spirit go into another person’s body. Without that scientific tenet, 50% of horror movies would be completely baseless and irrelevant, a fact I’m simply not willing to concede on behalf of living serial murderer dolls everywhere.

Virginia to Execute Powell on Thursday [My Fox DC]

Customs officers said they discovered nearly 15 pounds of cocaine Monday at the Cincinnati-Northern Kentucky International Airport.

A cleaning crew at the airport alerted federal agents to a suitcase found in a locked bathroom stall within the Federal Inspections Services area.

Officers said they found six bricks of cocaine wrapped in sweat pants inside the rolling carry-on suitcase, which carried no identification tags.

“There is no doubt that had the owner of the bag presented themselves for inspection, our officers would have found the cocaine and arrested the subject,” said David Murphy, director of field operations for U.S. Customs and Border Protection.

Nearly 15 Lbs. Of Cocaine Abandoned At Airport [WLWT]

Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.

Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.

The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offence at his home in Aberdeen.

Fiscal depute Elaine Lynch said: “The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck.”

[Varinauskas's lawyer said,] “He has never been so drunk before that day and accepts he has to take full responsibility. He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed.”

I don’t know that he has to be so embarrassed. Yes, it’s not necessarily to be something proud of, but any time you have a schlong that’s large enough that it can be used in a manner similar to a wiffle ball bat or a sword being used by the Queen to knight someone, you can puff your chest out just a little bit.

If there’s anything to take away from this story, it’s A) Don’t attempt to hit an officer with your penis and B) If you’re not going to listen to “A,” at least video tape it. I can’t possibly conjure up a funnier visual in my head than the fiscal deputy’s description of a police officer dodging a penis as though it were those grey stone heads about to fall onto Mario’s head in the castle levels of Super Mario 3.

Man assaulted female police officer with penis [BBC News]

Hernando County Sheriff’s deputies arrested a man who allegedly threatened his father with a pair of bone-cutting scissors on Tuesday.

Deputies say Billy Pierce, Jr., 36, got into an argument with Billy Pierce, Sr., 58, when the two were in the bathroom of their house, which is located on the 1,400 block of Kenlake Avenue in Spring Hill.

Pierce, Sr. told deputies his son was getting upset about his health. That’s when Pierce, Jr. allegedly held a “pair of black bone cutting scissors” about a foot from his father’s stomach, according to the incident report.

Pierce, Jr. said he was in a “homicidal mood” and had the scissors in the bathroom because he was going to cut his hair.

Deputies: Man threatens father with bone-cutting scissors [WTSP as seen on Fark]

Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution’s electronic equipment to watch pornography. Police allege the 55-year-old man broke into the First Christian Church on Thursday. After gathering items from around the building, he is believed to have gone to the basement to spend the night.

Police summoned to the church Friday by staff, found the man trying to haul away a garbage can filled with food, kitchen utensils, clothes, electronic equipment and a 26-inch flat-screen television.

Police Cmdr. Mike Brennan said the man used the electronic equipment to watch pornographic movies that were found on him when he was arrested.

I’m not exactly a religious guy or anything, but I don’t know how you can watch porn when, mere feet away, Jesus is hanging out on a cross, looking kind of sad. I can’t imagine “Big Wet Butts 7″ packs the same emotional wallop when you’re there before the grace of God.

I have to assume the guy wasn’t there just to watch porn, he had to be scheduling a little “me time” as well. If you’re going to break into a church for the sole purpose of watching porn, it’d be creepy if you didn’t at least attempt to rub one out. I think even your deity of choice would understand that one. No matter where you are, watching porn without rubbing one out is like stealing a hamburger and playing Tiddly Winks with its pickles. That analogy worked better in my head.

Police: Burglar Uses Church Equipment to View Porn [ABC News]

Four Bronx buddies are facing a year in jail for criminal possession of a weapon – a snowball that hit an off-duty transit cop.

The young men say they were horsing around in the late February storm when an errant snowball smacked Officer Adonis Ramirez in the leg.

The group says Ramirez was the one who behaved badly – failing to identify himself as a cop when he pulled out a gun and ordered them to the ground.

“He screamed, ‘You don’t know who I am,’” said Manuel Rondon, 18, a student at Monroe College.

“He pulled out the gun and aimed it at me when he was 3 feet away. I thought he was going to kill me.”

Four Bronx buddies facing year in jail after ‘hitting’ off-duty transit cop – with a snowball! [New York Daily News]

SHAMED Macmillan nurse Sara Dale cared for cancer-stricken wives – then bedded their husbands after they died.

The attractive divorcee, 39, has been fired by hospital bosses over allegations she had THREE such romances.

Their terminally-ill wives were being treated there. And following their deaths, she embarked on relationships with the grieving widowers.

Since this is the obvious question, you can make your own assessment of the nurse’s attractiveness with her pictures here.

The nurse denies the claims of any improprieties with her choices of men:

[Nurse Dale] said: “The hospital was told I’d had three relationships with men who had lost their partners to cancer. But I have had two.

“One of them was long-term and we were together for nearly ten years. And the other is the one I am in now, who I love.”

Based on their time with her, coworkers were surprised to hear about this situation.

An NHS source said: “Sara was a very popular member of the team at the hospital. When the allegations surfaced people were genuinely shocked.”

I’m shocked to hear that the nurse was one of the most popular members of the team at the hospital. You mean that the type of woman who’d offer no-strings-attached sex to men who just suffered through several emotionally devastating years wasn’t reviled? I’m stunned! If there’s one thing men hate, it’s a moderately attractive woman with a penchant for dropping her drawers at the slightest indication of your interest. That’s why porn movies are always 60 hours long and chronicle courtship, long conversations, and shopping for expensive jewelry.

Cancer nurse bedded three victims’ husbands [The Sun]

When police pulled over [a] car they found a 33-year-old man bleeding from the head and telling an unusual story

The victim said a couple of weeks ago he bought several hundred dollars of crack-cocaine with Monopoly money and now the dealer was ready for pay back.

“The man from whom he had bought the drugs was upset and invited him over to his house and upon arrival struck him in the head several times with a handgun and other people jumped into the fray,” said Gordon Bassham with the Wichita Police Department.

Despite the unusual circumstances, officers still want to arrest the attacker.

“That was not a get out-of-jail-free card,” Bassham said. [ED. NOTE: Get it??? BECAUSE HE PAID IN MONOPOLY MONEY AND THAT BOARD GAME ALSO HAS SOMETHING CALLED GET OUT-OF-JAIL FREE CARDS!!!!!]

Not to make light of the fact that a crack-addicted man was just beaten until he was bloodied, but how terrible of a crack dealer do you have to be to get played by a crackhead with Monopoly money? It’s not like people jonesing for crack are the smoothest characters around. Any time someone scheming against you would just end up blowing you if they don’t get their desired result, you’re not exactly dealing with a mastermind.

Wichita man pays crack dealer with Monopoly money

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He checked out a DVD from a local library, forgot to return it and got arrested. Think it can’t happen? It happened to a teenager in Littleton — and his parents are not happy.

But, in the latest development, the Littleton city attorney contacted the family and agreed to reimburse them for all arrest and court related costs as well as strike the arrest from the teens permanent record.

The teenager claims it was an honest mistake. Aaron Henson, 19, says he checked out the DVD and then inadvertently packed it while moving.

Allen Henson got the call at home and couldn’t believe it. His son was in jail for an overdue DVD from Littleton’s Bemis Library.

“This is a clear violation of his right to due process,” said Allen.

Got An Overdue Book Or Movie? Go To Jail [The Denver Channel]

One alleged victim of Thomas Heugel said Heugel had him fooled last summer, convincing him he was a doctor.

Heugel also encouraged the 21-year-old man, who has a mental disability, to undergo a procedure the alleged victim said he didn’t want to do.

“Mr. Heugel or whoever told me that he had medication and that the surgery — that needed to be done,” the alleged victim said.

One alleged victim of Thomas Heugel said Heugel had him fooled last summer, convincing him he was a doctor. The man met Heugel through a mutual friend, and shortly after, Heugel asked to see him naked. Next, Heugel brought up the idea of wanting to circumcise

Heugel also encouraged the 21-year-old man, who has a mental disability, to undergo a procedure the alleged victim said he didn’t want to do.

“[The circumcision] was (Heugel’s) idea,” the man said. “My idea was ‘no’ and he convinced me with his idea.”

Just in case your scumbag meter isn’t overflowing yet, Heugel allegedly also did this to young men not of consenting-adult age. So, yeah, good guy.

It goes without saying that this is a pretty horrific series of crimes. But an even worse crime? Anyone who went to Mr. Heugel’s house in the past couple years and were served something he called “Tommy Heugel’s Famous Salmon Skin Sushi.”

Aaand we’re done here, so you can uncross your legs now.

Alleged circumcision victim ‘deceived’ [WOOD-TV]

To be fair, you can also see what the cop had a problem with. The guy was doing something to the window and it may have looked like he was trying to kick it out. It also appears as though the cop tells him to stop doing that but the man continued to do it anyway. So there’s at least some vague sort of rationale there for the cop.

But still, if you’re a cop at this point, don’t you realize there are cameras on you ALL THE TIME? If you’re going to insist on beating and tasering people, at least drag their head to look at one of the cameras afterward and go, “Gotcha! You’re on Candid Police Camera!” Then you both can share a laugh and you go back to beating him bloody and he’ll think, “Hey, at least I’m in on the fun.”

As they enter the arcade and pizza parlor “where a kid can be a kid,” parents and their young children are given a list of prohibitions more stringent than Rikers Island’s.

“No gang-style apparel, including but not limited to hats, shirts, buckles, bandanas, towels,” reads an enormous sign installed last month.

“No gang-type conduct or behavior, including verbal slogans, greetings, hand signs or intimidation. No weapons or tools or any sort whatsoever; including knives, chains, screwdrivers, glass cutters.”

New Yorkers said they could not fathom why Bloods, Crips or Latin Kings would want to wage turf wars in the ball pits.

“It’s ridiculous. I don’t see gangs going into Chuck E. Cheese’s,” said Tish Payne, 28, who yesterday visited the Harlem location with her 1-year-old.

“They probably put the sign up because of the location. It’s adding to the stereotype that Harlem is trying to deviate from.”

Maybe Chuck E. Cheese needs to take a cold, hard look in the mirror. Chuck himself is wearing a colorful flat-brimmed hat with a logo on it, running an arcade that features games which involve kids basically betting on their success. That’s no different than the old mafia-run gambling clubs of the 80s, only with slightly less cocaine and slightly more greasy pizza and urine-soaked pants.

I’m glad they got those gang towels out there, though. Nothing flares up a gang member’s temper quicker than seeing someone wearing a Martha Stewart Home brand towel while he represents the Pottery Barn Towel Krew. Once those two’s eyes meet, there will may very well be a drive-by at the ball pit. Or a discussion of threadcounts. Both are extremely horrific outcomes.

UPDATE: Here’s an image of the sign in question.

Chuck E. squeeze on thugs [NY Post]
Image credit [Riverfront Times]

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As authorities nationwide warn motorists of the dangers of driving while texting, Florida Keys law enforcement officers add a new caution: Don’t try to shave your privates, either.

Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.

“She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit,” Trooper Gary Dunick said. “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot … who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, ‘Nothing will ever beat this.’ Well, this takes it.”

If that weren’t enough, Megan Mariah Barnes was not supposed to be driving and her 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to be on the road.

FHP: Driver lacked razor-sharp focus [KeysNews]

A Fairbanks man is accused of trying to purchase a $28,000 pickup truck with a forged check for the fourth time this year.

Jonathon Michael Smith, 22, was arraigned Tuesday on new felony charges of attempted first-degree theft and second-degree forgery.

Fairbanks police Officer Jim O’Malley responded to the dealership soon after the manager became aware that something was amiss. O’Malley was aware of Smith’s history and asked him what he was doing.

Smith said that he was “being stupid,” according to a criminal complaint filed in court.

That’s one of the things I love about smaller towns that we don’t really get to experience in a big city. Could you imagine getting arrested for something like this and then the cops just come, knowing you do this all the time, and go, “What are you doin’ this time, Jonathon?” and you can just go, “Aw shucks” and go right back to jail? It’d be so quaint if it didn’t involve a massive fraud attempt.

For as dumb as the guy seems to be, his scheme wasn’t half bad though.

Smith allegedly used forged checks to purchase two trucks worth $70,000 from Kendall Honda in January. About the same time, he also tried to purchase a $25,000 truck from Gene’s Chrysler, but employees became suspicious of the checks Smith wrote and refused to deliver the vehicle.

To create the checks, Smith allegedly altered a USAA check another man posted on his blog after removing the account and routing numbers. He would print the altered check from e-mails and try to pass them as real to the employees of local car dealerships, court documents allege.

I’m all for attempting to keep up the guise of being a criminal mastermind who’s passing around fake checks, but when you’re getting arrested multiple times for the same crime, you’re not really accomplishing much. You’re going to go to jail for a substantial time so why not just steal the car with some brute force at this point? Or at least a comically oversized Publishers Clearing House check. Robbery needs more prop gags.

Fairbanks man arrested again after trying to buy 4th truck with forged check [Newsminer]

An elaborate scheme to steal an ATM early Monday morning didn’t pay off. Investigators say thieves tried to steal the ATM by using a stolen front-end loader. The incident happened at the Chase Bank on East Colonial Drive at Econ Trail in Orlando early Monday morning.

According to a witness, the would-be robbers also used a Sherwin Williams truck as a getaway vehicle and deputies were not able to apprehend the suspects.

“Who does that?” Joe Cardone of Sherwin Williams questioned, reacting to someone stealing his work truck to use in a crazy heist involving a bank ATM and a huge piece of construction equipment.

“I think they’d been thinking about it and there was no way that they came up with that sober,” Cardone said.

Fla. Crooks Try to Take ATM with Front-End Loader [Officer]

Seattle police have released the 911 recordings from people reporting that a would-be burglar was stuck in the chimney of a home on Seward Park Avenue.

In the calls, you can hear a passerby report that he heard a man screaming for help from inside the chimney.

“They’re coming, so quit yelling! Save your energy,” the caller tells the trapped man while on the phone with dispatchers.

Listen: 911 call reporting burglar stuck in chimney (includes full 911 audio) [KOMO Rainier Valley]

Prosecutors have charged a caretaker who claims he accidentally raped an elderly resident at the nursing home where he works.

Douglas McGregor, 35, has been charged with second-degree rape in an incident that occurred at the Weatherly Inn at Lake Meridian, an assisted living facility for Alzheimer’s patients.

The alleged rape took place last week when an employee heard the 71-year-old woman crying in her room, according to Kent police. The employee opened the door and found McGregor standing over the woman with his genitals exposed.

When questioned by detectives, McGregor claimed his sexual contact with the victim was accidental after she broke the button on his pants, exposing him.

That definitely sounds like the best possible excuse you could come up with if you were accused of a crime this horrific, but it seems like there’s some details missing. I know old people with Alzheimer’s aren’t necessarily the most stable sector of people around, but I don’t think they start crying after breaking the button on your pants and showing the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder just because they saw your johnson flopping about.

Well, if these allegations turn out to be correct, I’m sure this gentleman will find himself in a similar situation in prison as large fellows with neck tattoos showing him an accidental good time in the shower. Finally, man-on-man shower rape I can really get behind. Figuratively.

Police: Caretaker claims he accidentally raped elderly woman [KOMO]

One of seven visiting college students who pranked Kmart this weekend is sorry for parading around the store in costume and upsetting customers, he said Sunday.

He and six others, all men between the ages of 18 and 20, were warned they could be arrested Saturday after entering the store in costumes — including Speedos, women’s wear, at least one wizard’s outfit and a lifelike sex toy — and disturbing store patrons with their antics, according to the Bay County Sheriff’s Office.

“We weren’t thinking,” said 18-year-old Chris, who a store manager said was wearing a white dress, red panty hose and lipstick while brandishing a double-ended sex toy at the front of the store in the Saturday evening incident. “It was stupid,” he added. “I don’t know why we did it.”

This group was only here for the weekend, but they were here to have a good time on vacation.

I went to Panama City for Spring Break my freshman year of college and I’d say we also went to have a good time. I’m just glad we went when we did because apparently going now and chasing a good time means that you have to dress up like a lady with your male friends while swinging a double-dong dildo as though it were the Excalibur. Only instead of pulling it out of a rock, you’re pulling it out of two oiled up, hairy gentlemen named Carlos and Tomas. Sure, they seem awfully friendly given the circumstances, but it’s definitely a bit rude.

I’m most disappointed in the young men’s choice of location for this prank. Even if this were somehow “fun,” it just seems so disrespectful to do it somewhere as classy as K-Mart. Save that kind of horseplay for Caldor, kids.

Updated: Student sorry for Speedo, panty hose invasion [News Herald]

Miami Township police said they are not laughing at what a man and his granddaughter thought would be a simple prank.

Officers said they received a report that a man driving a green minivan near the Dayton Mall around 1:20 Sunday afternoon was being held hostage. A short time later, they spotted the vehicle on State Route 725 and learned that the driver was not being held as a hostage.

“The grandfather essentially told the granddaughter it would be funny if she held a bb gun to his head as he drove down the road,” Sgt. William Kelly of the Miami Township Police Department said.

The grandfather ended up getting charged with “inducing a panic,” which seems kind of unfair. I don’t care whose idea it was; the granddaughter was holding the gun so she has to be the one to pay the price. We need to start teaching these kids important life lessons at a young age so they can avoid the douchebaggery that their parents regularly take part in. Send this little girl to a federal prison. There’s no greater lesson you can learn in elementary school that you can’t learn in jail. What 5th grade class teaches you how to make wine in a radiator or how to make a shiv out of your own feces? Maybe ones in Alabama, but very rarely elsewhere.

Man Cited In Hostage Hoax [WHIO]

A 68-year-old man was arrested for manufacturing imitation drugs after a witness alleged that the man traded the drugs for sex, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report.

A man told police that he recieved (sic) 10 mg Percocet pills from Paul Francis Miller, who had asked him for sex in exchange for the drugs, according to the report. The witness told law enforcement that he was also given imitation pills that were made to look like Percocet.

Miller, who is listed as disabled, told law enforcement that he had never given anyone his prescription meds, but admitted that he made imitation pills in his bathroom, the report said. It took him several tries to make pills that looked legitimate.

Miller said he makes a paste out of aspirin, caffeine tablets, a trace of Tylenol and calcium, according to the report. He sets up an indoor grill in his bathroom and creates a wax mold for the pills.

This is certainly not a “good” crime, but hey, an elderly man listed as disabled decided what he wanted in life and went after it. It’s irrelevant that what he wanted was druggy poontang, he still had a dream and did all he could to make it reality. This man is an American hero.

On the downside, of all the fake drugs you could make in exchange for sex, Percocet seems pretty low down the priority list. You’d pick up more drugged out ladies with a bottle of aspirin, Colt .45, and the “Requiem for a Dream” than that.

Police: man makes fake prescription pills, tries to trade them for sex [NWF Daily News]