The other day, I was talking to a buddy about our college days. We remembered the good old days when we could get up at 10 am and drink beer until early the next morning. Sadly, we are getting old and can barely make it to Jimmy Fallon these days, but that got us to thinking about the past and how much beer is enough to really get you in trouble.

We put together this list and hope that next time you decide to drink a few beers, you’ll think about some of the warning signs we talk about below and hopefully, we’ll be able to keep some of our readers out of trouble when all their rowdy friends come over. If we only save one person from getting a Chinese symbol tattoo or marrying someone you just met in a Vegas strip-club…our list will have had purpose.

1 Sober

You haven’t had anything to drink. You (probably) have all your motor and social skills completely intact. You are perfectly capable of talk to any law enforcement officials that may crash the party. This is as good as you are going to be on a unicycle. Try and remember that later on in the night, as unicycling will only sound like something easier and easier to do as the night progresses.

2 Buzzed (AKA “buzzed” or “pretty good” )

You’ve had a few beers and you just start to feel a twinge of that warm feeling you get when you have a few. Things that would usually bother you become a little bit easier to deal with and most people are perfectly fine with letting you operate things such as grills and small power tools. You feel like you are starting to float a little bit and you just feel wonderful. You don’t even need to drink that much more because you like where you’re at. Yet, you usually continue to drink and that’s where things start to get a little messy.

3 Really Buzzed (AKA “tipsy” or “getting there”)

The internal map of your surroundings has been skewed by a few trips to the Ice House. You accidentally kick over the beer you were drinking or accidentally start knocking things over. You start to notice that things aren’t exactly where you left them. Maybe you bump into someone from behind and they spill just a little bit of beer on themselves. No harm done. You apologize and they laugh, but you don’t exactly understand why you are having a hard time navigating because you “haven’t had that much to drink.”

4 Drunk (AKA “plenty boozed” or “drunk”)

You have met your quota for alcohol intake for the night, but that’s the Catch-22; you realize that you have had enough to drink, but the drunk voice in your head is telling you that you should keep drinking more anyway. “You’re just starting to be fun. The party is just getting started!” says your inebriated brain. Talking starts to sound LOUDER. And you notice that there is now a heightened level of concentration that you have to use when reading your internal map to do things you wouldn’t usually have trouble doing. Things such as making it to the bathroom without knocking a magazine off the coffee table become extremely complicated. Or if you are at a party, you may have trouble remembering where the bathroom is. Things start to take a little bit of effort on your part and this should send up major red flags. No talking to anyone important for the rest of the night. And stop texting your ex!

5 Really Drunk (AKA “Schknockered“ or “don‘t tell him we hid the beer”)

You will know you are at this stage when you notice that you are swaying a bit when you stand and slurring when you try to form coherent sentences. This will prove arduous, as you will feel the need to tell really long and rambling stories that don’t seem to have any semblance of a point and don’t seem to be heading towards a logical conclusion. When you hear a girl tell a story about a cat, you will interrupt and talk about how you heard NASA was planning on sending cats to space and how that was a terrible idea. You’ll mention how they have no opposable thumbs and cats are moody and wouldn’t relay vital information back to Cape Canaveral because felines always have their own agenda. And a half an hour later (after you lose complete control of the volume of your voice) you’ll be talking about how Buzz Aldrin wasn’t an f’ing cat because you met him that one year you got thrown out of space camp. Others at the party will be talking about a loading you into the first cab they see and getting you home before you do something you’ll regret.

6 Blitzed (AKA: “done“ or “the guy we quit serving an hour ago”)

Remember earlier, when you were accidentally bumping into people and spilling their drinks? We’ll that was 10 beers ago and your brain is telling you that you don’t have time to wait to pee. You now feel like a running back and have the ability to run through large crowds of people. When you see a hole you hit it hard like Tecmo Bo Jackson and just start plowing through people like a drunken, screaming steamroller. People start to yell at you, or want to fight you at this point. You have jumped the shark my friend. Your act has gone from being funny to being obnoxious. Your internal map now looks like a war zone. Everything you touch seems to break and everyone you talk to is hostile. Nobody wants you at the bar or party anymore. You are a party Nazi. You have come in and blitzkrieged everything in site and somebody should physically force you out of wherever you are to prevent further damage. And usually somebody will.

7 Blackout Drunk (AKA “somebody else‘s problem“ or “Inmate: 218567”)

And then there is the brutal end. It’s like dying, but with 100% more consequences. This is the level where most inappropriate or crude phone call are made. Everything you do now you will regret tomorrow. You should be in bed or near bed at this point unless you are getting sick in the bathroom. But, on the plus side, remembering where the bathroom is no longer a problem because the world has become your toilet. There is no accidentally about it–everything you do looks like a battle plan. You are a mixture of Shiva the Destroyer and a golden retriever that has yet to be potty trained. If you talk to the cops, it will only be because they have you handcuffed in the back of their squad car. Apologize to everyone you meet the next day. Trust me. And get the hell away from that unicycle*!

8 Hospital Drunk

Somehow you managed to drink enough beer to go to the local hospital. Congratulations, as you’ve won a free stomach pumping and thousands of dollars in medical bills. Come to think of it, if we’d have just let you ride the unicycle, you would have sprained your wrist and saved yourself a lot of time and insurance claims. Our bad, Drunky.

*The unicycle is a metaphor

On Jan. 31 around 12:20 a.m., a motorist reported a Chevrolet S-10 swerving near Helen Back, the report said. The officer located the truck near Walmart.

When the officer asked the driver why he was weaving, he said, “I’m just trying to get home,” the report reads. The man admitted he and been drinking: “a six pack probably.”

When the officer asked the man to step out of his car to perform a sobriety test, he handed the officer his keys and said, “Here, I’m done anyway,” according to the report.

The man refused to take a breathalyzer test, the report said. While he was being driven to the Okaloosa County Jail, he asked the officer several times what his favorite alcoholic beverage was and asked him to turn on his blue lights.

Man arrested for DUI asks officer what his favorite drink is [NWF Daily News]

What’s the deal with Jell-O? Is it a liquid? A solid? Well, if it’s mixed with vodka, it’s an alcoholic beverage, an administrative law judge has ruled.

Among arguments made during the hearing, Union Bar co-owner George Wittgraf III argued that Jell-O shots do not qualify as alcoholic beverages. Lockard disagreed, however.

“There is no evidence in the record to support the licensee’s argument that — simply because vodka was mixed with Jell-O mix — it lost its character as an alcoholic beverage,” Lockard wrote. “While there might be some debate in another context as to whether Jell-O is a food item or beverage, in this context … the Jell-O shots served by the licensee were alcoholic beverages.”

[Press-Citizen]

A drunken Santa Claus prompts a mom to call 911 after he stumbles into her yard apparently looking for his reindeer and scaring her kids.

Officers ticketed 55-year-old Thomas Arnold of Sparta for having an open beer in a car. The man driving that car, 47-year-old Kevin Arnold, was arrested for OWI.

But, the kids say they knew right away this Santa was a hoax.

“He smelled like alcohol. So I knew it wasn’t the real Santa because Santa doesn’t drink alcohol,” says 9-year-old Katie Dockerty.

[WEAU]

The hardest part of being a borderline alcoholic is that you have no idea that you are one. A major part of the problem is that you get so drunk, so fast that you never ever realize that no one else ever comes close to reaching your levels of intoxication. Unfortunately, not everyone is as much of an alcohol connoisseur as you are and you’ve started to notice that people are making the craziest excuses not to go out with you anymore.

Think you got your drinking habits under control? Well check this list and see if maybe you might want to lay off drinking a handle with every other meal.

1. You never wake up in the same place twice

Waking up each morning is a treat because you never know exactly where are you or exactly how you should get home. Whether it be a stranger’s bed, a park bench, or a hospital bed, the morning is always an unpredictable adventure. In fact you sold your bed on Craigslist in exchange for a six-pack because you figured those beers would be far more useful than that bed has ever been.

2. Pitchers are just extra-big cups

You get mad when you order a pitcher and all your friends hold out empty cups expecting you to share. Just because they didn’t choose to supersize it doesn’t mean you should treat them to a free beer. Show them you’re double the drinker that they are by ordering another pitcher and double fisting it.

3. Being kicked out is routine

Everyone knows how bar nights go. Drink a lot, accidentally drop a few glasses, offend oversensitive people, and get thrown out by the bouncers. Is there any other way to end the night besides getting forcibly being removed from the bar?

4. Throwing up is normal

The best place to stand in a bar is near a good-sized trash can because after you’re done double fisting a few more of those pitchers, you’re going to need someone to hold your jacket while you throw-up. Going to the bathroom takes too long and besides you can’t really risk losing your seat at the bar by leaving. As that sexy tattoo says on your back (that you don’t remember getting) says “puke and rally.”

5. All your photos involve alcohol

It’s a challenge to find good professional photos because every single one shows you holding alcohol or passed out with penises drawn all over your face. In fact it’s almost impossible to even crop them because in 90% of the photos, you’re holding a bottle, a funnel, or a keg to your mouth. Well, it doesn’t really matter, anyone who sees the photo of you doing body shots on your company website will be sure to think highly of you.

6. Fistfights are routine

People sure do say the dumbest things when you’re drunk. Thankfully you’ve got your fists to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget. It seems like there’s always a point every single time you go out that you’re forced to reach for an empty beer bottle and hit someone. Unlike your opponent you never let a little broken glass, a few black eyes, and a police intervention stop you from enjoying the rest of your night — after all what are 24-hour liquor stores for if not a celebratory nightcap?

7. People think your slur is some kind of foreign accent

You’re drunk more than you’re sober so all the neighborhood locals just assume that your drunken slur is actually some kind of foreign accent — or speech impediment that never got fixed. No one realizes that when you’re sober, you actually are capable of completing sentences and pronouncing words correctly. Most importantly no one realizes that you don’t always stand around with your mouth open and drool dripping out whenever you place a late night food order.

At every wedding, there’s someone who gets sloppily drunk and finds themselves either the belle of the ball or the complete embarrassment. When you watch this video of a drunk girl and her feeble attempts at a pole dance, along with the complete disgust of everyone, well, you can probably do the math of what comes next.

There’s probably no more logical way to ruin a wedding than this. The drunk chick probably was jealous of the bride and thought, “How can I sabotage her special day without her ever being the wiser?” In which case, a very clever play by the lady in the red dress. Though I’d have just gone with the old time tested “Give the groom a handy” technique. Or just shove the little plastic people on the wedding cake into the first orifice you think of. They both involve more body fluids, which I appreciate, would ruin the day, and also don’t potentially kill all the wedding goers. Win-win.

[Buzzfeed]

Bars hold a special place in my heart. I’ve spent the good part of my youth either sitting in them, drinking in them and on about more than a few occasions, being removed from them by some sort of barland security. I can’t pinpoint the exact number, but second hand accounts and police reports like to put the over/under at 15. What can I say, when I have a bit of whiskey I have a tendency to get a tad mouthy. My point is–I’m an adult beverage establishment aficionado. I’ve saddled up to bars all across this great country and while the beer specials are always different, there is one thing that always remains the same.

Music.

Whether it’s an upscale pub in New York, a hole-in-the-wall dive in Tennessee, or just a patio that overlooks the Pacific in Los Angeles; I’ve seen them all. And no matter where I’ve been, there are always certain songs that I can never avoid hearing on the overhead speakers. Chances are that you’re in the same boat as I am. Unless you’re Helen Keller, you are guaranteed to hear at least one of these songs every time you go out to a bar.

Piano Man by Billy Joel

If Billy Joel got royalties for every instance this song was played at a bar, he’d own every bar this song is played in. It’s a staple of every north eastern bar I’ve ever drank a beer in. You can’t find a bar in Massachusetts that won’t break out into song when they play this on the speakers. My first birthday in Los Angeles, I was in a bar and this came on and I went crazy and started singing it while everyone stared at me with an uncomfortable blank look on their face. When I asked them to sing with me, they all shrugged and said they didn’t know the words. After that, I never trusted anyone I met in L.A..

Born to Run by The Boss

If you live within a 100 mile radius of Newark, New Jersey, you have probably heard this song at least once a day for your entire life. It’s not even a song at this point, it’s almost become a drunken anthem. You’ll usually hear it sometime around 12 or 12:30 am and when I hear it, I usually turn to a buddy and say, “One hour till last call.” I think a scientific experiment should be conducted on the Born to Run: Shot Buying Ratio because I am under the impression that more shots are bought and consumed during or immediately after this song is played than any other song in the history of mankind. It usually makes at least one group in every bar go out of their minds and indirectly causes more people to projectile vomit in parking lots than any other song on this list.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

BAH BAH BAH!!! Good times never seemed so good…This song holds a special place in my heart, as it’s my go to song when I’ve had just enough to drink to sing karaoke. It’s great because it’s one of those songs that will make everyone in a bar stand up and sing together. It’ll make you friends and it’ll get you laid. Much like Crazy Glue and Nelson Mandela–it’s a unifier. I mean, it’s the official anthem of Fenway Park. And if you can’t trust 50,000 drunk Bostonians, then who can you really trust?

Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi

Another Jersey classic. It’s been my experience that women will completely lose their crap when they’re plastered and hear this song come on. I’ve seen groups of young women, who for hours haven’t been able to stand properly without wavering like a flag during a Category-5 hurricane somehow stand together and lean on each other in a way that hold them upright for the four minutes it takes Jon Bon Jovi to belt out this ditty. It’s both insane and impressive…until one of the girls falls over after it finishes. Then it’s just hilarious.

Dixieland Delight by Alabama

I’m from the South, and this song was a played at least once at almost every frat party or sorority semi-formal I ever attended. It’s a tradition for colleges south of the Mason Dixon line. Having a perfect blend of singability and slow danceability (yeah, I just made those words up) , it’s a gateway song that usually makes a guy put his arm around the girl he loves (or in most cases wants to sleep with) and make his move. It’s kind of a deal breaker song. You usually know if you got it or you don’t when it’s over, but either way, it’s a song that caps of a night of drinking with good friends.

Don’t Stop Believing by Journey

It’s illegal in most states to not sing this at a karaoke bar. It’s in the state bylaws. I can honestly say that on my rowdiest nights–I’ve heard this song at least once during the night. I mean every single time. Bars have to play this song at least once a night by law. It’s another one of those songs that people go wild singing along to and I’m just as guilty as everyone else when it comes to this. Usually it’s the last song you hear before a bar closes because it turns normal people into drunken screaming lunatics and bars don’t care because they know you’ll be out the door in less than five minutes–whisked whimsically out into the darkness of the night–where you stop being their problem and magically become the problem of local law enforcement authorities.

You Shook Me (All Night Long) by AC/DC

This is an odd song because it can be played anywhere in the gamut of an evening out drinking. Sometime you hear it early in the night and sometimes it’s one of the last songs you hear. Chances are you’ll hear it at some point though. And almost everyone knows the first verse, so we can safely assume that all fast machines keep their motors clean. It’s science.

Hotel California by The Eagles

Whether you love or hate the Eagles, when you’re at a bar you can ALWAYS count on hearing this song. When it comes on some people smile, while others cringe. It’s a song people usually have a love/hate relationship with. For those of us who enjoy the soothing melodies of The Eagles it’s no big deal. But, the opening bars of this song seems to make others want to throw a brick through the nearest window and physically hurt people. So beware if you ever choose this song on the jukebox because you can never really discern who those people are until you’re 6 minutes into the song or it’s already too late…

Family Tradition by Hank Williams Jr.

Another honky tonk sing-a-long song that resonates every Friday night from every frat house and country bar from Texarkana to Tallahassee. As one of my friends used to say “This song gets me loudy and rowdy.” Even if you don’t like country music, more times than not you still probably enjoy this song. It sort of bridges the gap of party music and country music. And if you don’t like Hank Williams…

Sweet Child O Mine by Guns N Roses

Another one of those songs that is instantly recognizable by the first chords. Guns N Roses is another one of those bands that you’re sure to constantly hear in every bar anywhere you go in the country. It usually then starts a conversation on what a waste of talent Axel Rose was and depending on your alcohol intake for that evening, that usually leads to conversation about how much cooler your life would be if your name was “Axel.” Then someone makes the obligatory Chinese Democracy joke that makes everyone snicker and your realize that the only two people you know named Axel have either burned out or get shot at in movies for a living.

Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay by Otis Redding

Usually reserved for afternoon drinking; this tune is possibly the greatest song of all-time. When it comes on, people seem to relax and enjoy the moment. It seems to transcend race, musical taste and time. I don’t think I‘ve ever met anyone who didn‘t enjoy this song and most people have probably heard it hundreds if not thousands of times. It’s a musical anomaly that never seems to age or wear on people’s nerves, and that’s why you’ll always catch it playing at every conceivable type of bar. No other piece of music seems to ease the tension in a room like this one does.

Honorable Mentions
Africa by Toto
Land Down Under by Men at Work
Tiny Dancer by Elton John

An intoxicated woman told police to arrest her after she admitted to throwing a closed pocket knife at her husband’s forehead.

The 23-year-old woman also told them she was a nymphomaniac and an alcoholic and that her estranged husband had been staying with her for a week, ever since she asked him over to have sex and he never left.

After further questioning, she said, “You know what? Just take me to jail.”

You know your life is totally in the crapper when you’re at the point in which you just know you have to go to jail for these two ailments. Maybe there’s hope for her. Drunk…you can come back from that. Nymphomania, well, if you can stop staring at the mailman’s slacks, maybe, But both? No dice.

See though? This is one of those things where a guy is like, “YEAH I WISH MY CHICK HAD NYMPHOMANIA BECAUSE THEN I WOULD FINALLY GET SOME HAR HAR” but you just know that, if it happened in real life, it would lead to nothing but horror and suffering. Yeah, maybe the first five times are fun, but when your genitals turn into a tub of chopped meat or she’s getting railed by your dad at a holiday, probably somewhat less of a blast. But man, what a Father’s Day for him.

[NWF Daily News]

Is there anything sillier than a person all messed up on some foreign substance? Nothing can cause you to deteriorate from borderline-contributing-part-of-society to complete debacle within minutes. Watch this opus of a guy wobbling around a convenience store and guess what he’s on.

Sure it’d be easy to guess roofies, but that’s a stupid guess. He doesn’t have a frat guy with a backwards cap on top of him, now does he?

Then again, based upon how he looks when walking, maybe he wasn’t drunk. Maybe he’s just different, you know? Perhaps he was just born without a leg, but with an extremely large set of genitals that allow him to loosely replicate leg function without all that pesky footwear shopping. Boy would all of our faces be red. His face would be white though due to a complete loss of blood. In fact he’d probably die. Imagination is fun!

[Reddit]

I like how the stall is accurately reserved for sex, not that its primary function is that. It’s like a handicapped stall, only you’re actually getting laid and both people can skip out.

[Reddit]

A PROBATIONARY driver’s estimated alcohol reading and speed – and the fact that she was driving naked at the time – were used as evidence yesterday to commit the teenager for trial on culpable driving.

Jessica Maree Langford, 19, pleaded not guilty to the charge and to dangerous driving causing the death of her boyfriend at Hastings on November 29 last year.

She and Daniel Andrew Glover, 19, had been ‘’skinny dipping” at Shoreham around midnight and remained naked after using their clothes to dry off. Langford later told police they had been drinking at the beach and that swimming in the nude had been fun, but denied any sexual activity happened while driving.

In a record of interview, she said that usually when she drank she would get dropped off and someone else would drive home. ”But this time I was very stupid.”

Stupid, drunk, and naked…I’m pretty sure those are the qualifiers I put on my eHarmony profile. Plus, there’s hard evidence to suggest she’s single.

Down side: If you’re that poor dude who got killed (because of her impaired driving ability as a result of her drunkenness and being in possession of ovaries, presumably) and you were in a car with this drunk, naked girl and you weren’t having sex there probably wasn’t much to live for anyway.

[Sydney Morning Herald]

Police said a man was arrested on Monday for his 22nd drunken driving offense—and his blood-alcohol content tested almost five times higher than New Mexico’s legal limit. State Police Lt. Eric Garcia said an officer pulled up to a car parked along a highway and found a 51-year-old man on the ground near his vehicle.

“He was coherent,” Garcia said. “He showed signs of slurred speech, as might be normal for any DWI arrest, which led the officer to believe he might be driving under the influence.”

Garcia said the suspect had to be taken by ambulance to Christus St. Vincent hospital in Santa Fe, where a blood-alcohol analysis showed a content level of .393 percent. New Mexico’s limit for presumed intoxication is .08 percent.

Police said records showed the man has been arrested five times in New Mexico and at least 16 times elsewhere.

Now according to my calculations on this Blood Alcohol Calculator, this gentleman would have had to drink SIXTEEN shots of vodka in ONE HOUR to reach his reported BAC level. The site lists a BAC of over .25 as having possible adverse side effects as “Serious health issues. Or death.” When you drink enough that a blood alcohol Web site is getting glib about you dying, you should probably take that as a sign to cool out.

Or you can make this guy into a reality TV show. You’re telling me you wouldn’t rather watch this guy downing shots of turpentine or nail polish remover rather than another show about some whore looking for a guy or people who work as meter maids? If we’re going to exploit stupid people, let’s get serious about it.

[via]

San Francisco has paid at least $150,000 for Kenny Walters in the past year. He isn’t employed, has an arrest record as long as his hair, and can often be found passed out in a doorway on Haight Street.

Kenny Walters’ job is to get drunk.

He’s certainly not alone. “Chronic inebriants” are a grim and disturbing fact of life in San Francisco. They also cost the city millions.

Walters, who was decked out in a red, long-sleeve Spider-Man shirt, isn’t homeless or broke. The 41-year-old happily shared his story with me. He sat up, pushed his blond bangs off his face, and blinked his striking blue eyes until his surroundings came into focus.

“I do get caught for drinking out here every day,” he said affably. “I wish I had another beer right now.”

He said he gets $953 a month in Supplemental Security Income for disabled and aged citizens and pays $650 a month for a hotel room in the Tenderloin under the city’s Care Not Cash program.

Walters is usually too intoxicated to walk, which makes him ineligible for a sobering center. But regardless of where he goes, Walters isn’t bothered about the expense.

“Doesn’t cost me a thing,” he said cheerfully.

[via]

A belligerent Sequim woman climbed onto a casino table, kicked a police officer and screamed “whale killer” during a bizarre scene Saturday night at the Point Casino, according to Kitsap County Sheriff’s Office reports.

The 56-year-old woman had reportedly consumed several alcoholic beverages when she became “loud, rude and aggressive” and drew the attention of casino security.

After being pulled off the gaming table, she “began running around the casino” while screaming “whale killer,” reports said. Two officers from the Port Gamble S’Kllalam Tribe’s Office of Public Safety arrived and arrested the woman. She kicked one of the officers several times in the lower leg, reports said.

[via]

A bride in Germany spent her wedding night passed out next to a crate of vodka in the back seat of a car and had to be rescued by police when the BMW began to overheat in the sun.

Police in the western city of Cologne said Monday the inebriated 30-year-old remained unconscious even after they smashed the car window to get her out.

“Only after being shaken several times did she eventually regain consciousness,” police said in a statement.

Still clad in her wedding dress, the dazed woman had to scramble through the broken window because she had no idea where the car keys or her husband were, police said.

It seems like a pretty big assumption to assume that just because she’s in a bridal gown and claiming to have gotten married means that she actually DID get married. I don’t think that disoriented women waking up next to a crate of vodka in the back of a BMW are the most trustworthy of sources for news. In the back of an Audi, sure, but the back of a BMW, no way.

Plus if you were a lonely woman, wouldn’t the most logical thing to do be to dress up in a wedding gown, pass out in your car, then be like, “OMG where is my new husband!!!!” Nothing would get you some pity faster than that. Well, other than being the groom at an actual wedding. It’s like a march to your own hanging, or so every romantic comedy with a jilted bride has led me to believe. I usually stop after the first hour, this way there’s no happy ending. Just like life. *single tear

[via]

Drunk girls are generally pretty insufferable. It’s either hostility/Ciness, a series of “Woo’s” with arms extended, or vomiting onto something. Granted, you can usually f them through most of these scenarios, which helps make them more palatable, but I’m not quite ready to say that makes her the victim. But at the same time, the Mexican guy was provoked by the beer tossing and Mexican guys often provide me with food deliveries and, um, wispy moustaches. Decisions!

Unrelated, is that the most amazing mullet ever on the dude who comes over to the Mexican guy after the girl gets knocked down or am I just imagining things? I also love how he leisurely saunters over since he clearly has no intention of defending the girls’s honor but clearly he has to try to act tough in the hopes of getting into the drunken bikini bottom of one of the whores. “Hey BRO, that’s not cool. *Mexican dude gets angry again* Hey. Hey. Oh, you’re holding him back…cool…YEAH YOU’RE A DICK BRO.”

That’s a pretty impressive skill but there’s something unflinchingly homoerotic about throwing a liquid into your friend’s open mouth, followed by him squinting his eyes and choking the liquid down. Not to say these guys are gay or anything, but I’m pretty sure I could pick up any dude from the Chelsea area of NYC and have him do the same thing. Plus he’d probably be able to gargle and do ventriloquism after catching it. Our gays are the most talented in the world, at more than just rimjobs. I think that’s part of the brochures they give out to New York tourists upon arrival. And with good reason.

The girl pictured is either using mouthwash or her husband is one lucky man

A man drunk on mouthwash who performed oral sex on his unconscious sister in Rainbow Park was sentenced to jail-time served and three years probation Tuesday in Sarnia court.

The man doesn’t recall the incident but didn’t dispute it occurred, based on a witness’s statement.

A family visiting the park about 6:30 p.m. came upon the couple on a park bench, police had reported earlier.

Defence lawyer Robert McFadden noted his client was incomprehensible when arrested because he and his sister had been drinking alcohol-laced mouthwash.

The woman was intoxicated and unconscious throughout the incident.

The mother of the pair told McFadden she hopes her son didn’t realize the woman was his sister. She called it the low point in her son’s life of alcohol abuse, the lawyer said.

“I can’t imagine it could get any lower,” replied Justice Mark Hornblower, who agreed with McFadden it was a “disgusting” act.

Man, that is going to be one awkward Thanksgiving.

That is true what the judge said though, this might be the most disgusting act I’ve ever read. When performing oral sex on a relative, you use the mouthwash afterwards. Duh.

[via]

I personally think it’s pretty scummy to marry yourself to some sort of tragedy to make money, but hey, whatever works. I don’t think that “moonwalking down 2nd Avenue” is going to cut it though. If you’re going to do a Michael Jackson “tribute,” do it all the way. Let’s get a Brooke Shields look alike to walk out of a bar with me, then try to kiss me as a I go, “Oh, look at the time! Gotta go!” then vomit in a garbage pail for an hour. Then let me flamboyantly smash the crap out of a car like it was my abusive stage father. Then we can cruise by a playground where I make vague but inappropriate gestures towards kids and ultimately pass out in a gutter after getting painkillers injected straight into my bloodstream. Now THAT sounds like good times. So long as I don’t have to throw Clorox on my skin at some point. Not sure I’d pay for that one.

My favorite part of the photo is the nonchalance with which Kiefer is sitting there, like this is a totally normal situation and everything is status quo. That’s the thing with celebrities…when Kiefer does something like this in a restaurant, it’s “Oh, that wacky drunk!” But when I do something like this in a similar establishment, the guy in the Chuck E. Cheese costume just won’t stop hassling me. Hey, if the Skee Ball machine didn’t want to see my erect penis, maybe it shouldn’t have been so loose with its holes.