Aliens are clearly supposed to be more advanced, but what are they really gaining from always examining our assholes? There’s a lot to learn about me, I won’t dispute that. But I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t learn most of them from my rectum. Just a whole lot of feces and semen. Um. Just the first part.

Sergio Santos’ home is a closet.

Five and a half feet wide, by 14 feet long, or 77 square feet, to be exact.

“I was really struggling to pay for the place I used to live. I decided to look for something cheap,” he explains.

The rent is $150 a month and to furnish his pad, Sergio spent a whopping $64.

“I have just become very well-fitted here,” he said.

The “room” is equipped with a small microwave oven and a mini-refrigerator.

He shares a community bathroom with other renters on the same property.

Check out the photos. It’s kind of f’ing enraging that I have an apartment with at least 10x the square feet valued at thousands more, and I can pretty much guarantee it doesn’t look as nice. Especially with all the dead bodies lying around.

Whatever, f this guy. I’ve been living in the closet for years but no one ever writes a profile on me. All they do is poke their penis through the hole in the bathroom stall and stand there with their hands on their hips. I’m not sure if it’s because that’s the accepted way you’re supposed to stand or if they’re conveying impatience. Just kidding guys…these are jokes. I only suck dicks for money or drugs, not out of personal preference.

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Man, do I wish I had this trick about seven minutes ago at the rest stop. That burger I got from Roy Rogers tasted like feet and bovine depression.

See? Bet you thought I was going with a cock in the glory hole joke there. But I’ll have you know that the penises at the I-80 Exit 24 rest stop are fresh and nutritious. I-80: Because no one can hear the closet door open on the open road.

A TAIWAN carpenter bought a porn DVD only to find secretly taped motel footage of his wife having sex with his friend, whom the husband later stabbed.

The husband, identified only by his surname Lee, discovered the illicit sex on the DVD in 2002.

The sexual acts apparently had been recorded using a hidden camera and were on a pornographic DVD, titled Affairs with Others’ Wives, which the husband bought from a vendor to watch at home.

Lee, who lives in Taoyuan County near Taipei, divorced his wife after viewing the DVD. His friend, a butcher, fled their village.

In August 2008, Lee spotted the butcher in Chungli City, returned with a knife and stabbed his former friend in the thigh.

The butcher sued Lee for causing bodily harm. Lee sought but was unable to countersue the butcher for adultery, because of a five-year statute of limitations.

Wait, so Taiwanese porn actually adheres to what the DVD promises? In the US, if you buy a “Teen Whores Covered in Cum Volume 8″ DVD, you’ll get them covered in cum, sure, but they’ll be at least 28 years old and probably 11 years into a cocaine habit. I didn’t know Taiwan is the place that fantasy becomes reality. That’s kind of a scary thought. Sure, it’s sexy to think of an army of blonde nymphomaniacs who never let me rest in my dreams, but if I saw them in reality I’d end up being put on a pinball machine like Jodie Foster in The Accused with a penis full of STDs and a thirst for a neverending stream of rape showers. And that’s not even touching on the sodomy I like to dabble in during dreams…I’m just not ready to address that in the real world yet. Not without a lot of hours of therapy prepaid.

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You know what’d be a better picnic other than one with a fload of condoms? A complete lack of condoms and a tent full of nymphomaniacs. And I’ve been there man, believe me. Well, at least I tell myself that the tent is filled with nymphomaniacs. I have to fight my way past the tears of those Boy Scouts somehow.

Oh man if I had a dollar for every time I had said “cock” instead of the word I intended, I’d be able to pay off my student loans. “Guys, I am so hungry right now for a nice footlong cock..I MEAN SANDWICH OH MY GOD WHAT A SLIP-UP LOL.” And then when I’m hungry for a cock, I say sandwich. Maybe it’s a case of mild latent homosexual dyslexia. I’m no diagnosin’ doctor or nothin’.

In related news, I now also find myself paternalistic to minorities, hate rich people for their successes, and like complaining about things endlessly but not really doing anything. Also I want to gay marry someone. That might not be so much of a liberal thing though, just sexy.

See? The message is very powerful…homosexuality is more accepting than heterosexuality. Even skeletons can get in on the act! Every day is like Halloween when you’re hangin’ with the gays!

I’m going to have to respectfully disagree here, Mr. Comic Book Man. You can totally have gay sodomy without being totally gay. Apparently you weren’t made aware of Gay Sex Fridays at my junior high. Even the Muslim kids wished they went to my Catholic school on those days!

That statistic seems crazy though. He’s saying that, for the first time…gay men have sex with men and straight men have sex with women? Wow that is such a crazy statistic that totally proves that gay sex is a learned trait. Thank God we have brave men like the ones behind this comic out there making radical claims like that to save us all from ourselves. Whew!

Seriously, read the whole thing here. Best 10 minutes you’ll spend today.

The former WMAQ-Ch. 5 reporter is seeking more than $1 million in damages from WBBM-Ch. 2 parent CBS, Channel 2 boss Joe Ahern and others, complaining that a tape it aired of her in bathing attire at the home of a potential news source in July 2007 subjected Jacobson to “enormous public humiliation and disgrace.”

Jacobson wound up losing her TV job and, eventually, her home, according to the suit filed Monday in Cook County by attorney Kathleen Zellner on behalf of Jacobson, husband Jaime Anglada and their two children, all of whom alleged to have “suffered from observing the devastating effects on the person they love most.”

Jacobson’s suit, which states “some would say” she was “the best in the business” before the July 5, 2007, incident was recorded by Channel 2, alleges the station never should have shot the video, should never have aired it and should not have edited it the way it did.

The suit asserts Channel 2 portrayed her as “an adulteress and disreputable reporter” and said the station leaked word of the tape to newspapers, leading to published reports it used to justify airing the video.

Jacobson has said she originally intended to take her kids swimming at Chicago’s East Bank Club before she detoured to the Plainfield home of Craig Stebic, whose wife had vanished two months earlier and remains missing to this day, at the invitation of Stebic’s sister.

Whatever journalistic splash Jacobson had hoped to make by Stebic’s pool by ingratiating herself with potential sources instead resulted in the self-inflicted sting of a belly flop, reported everywhere from England to Australia. Even Geraldo Rivera weighed in, decrying her ethics and calling her dismissal “a no-brainer” on Fox News Channel.

Sources told the Chicago Tribune last year that Jacobson’s decision to brief police on her interaction with Stebic, without telling her WMAQ bosses, played a role in her ouster. That breach of standards, which made her a part of a story she was covering, one she had been warned she was getting too close to, was just the latest incident to cause bosses to lose their confidence in Jacobson’s judgment, the sources said.

While one Chicago TV executive at the time called Jacobson’s misstep “egregious,” another said she might have survived it had it not been for an accumulation of incidents.

I can’t really tell if she’s hot, but if I were a dude who just killed my wife and pretended she went missing, I prooooobably wouldn’t be able to go out and get tail too often. Kind of blows your cover a bit.

I can definitely relate to Amy though. When you’re a serious investigative reporter like us, sometimes you have to put yourself in awkward situations for the news. Sometimes it’s appearing at a dude’s place with your boobs flopping around, sometimes it’s taking a load on the chin. It’s like that guy who gives me free access to videos on YouTube. He said he was the heir to YouTube…his name is like Johnny Youtubener. Man, the things I’ve had to do for access to their videos. Wait. YouTube videos are free for everyone? What? Are you serious? Fuck. I swore this wouldn’t happen again after that guy in the restroom gave me a paper towel and said he didn’t do that for everyone..that I was special. DAMMIT JULIO. YOU AND YOUR SWEET SWEET LIES.