Megan Fox claims that she has only been with two men in her entire life. “I’ve only been with two men my entire life. My childhood sweetheart and Brian. I can never have sex with someone that I don’t love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.” Finally an explanation for why she is still with this dink. She has no clue what she’s been missing.

Sean Penn recently displayed his charming personality by saying of critics of his recent mercy mission to Haiti, that he hopes they all die of rectal cancer. Seriously. “Do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer? Yeah. You know, but I’m not going to spend a lot of energy on it,” says Penn. So, why do I foresee it being Penn that someday dies a horrible death?

Naomi Campbell was accused of slapping her New York City driver. He said she then jumped out of the car and fled. The driver spent hours giving a detailed statement to police, but then, according to officers, declined to press charges and asked that the report be closed. I guess he’s going to sue her in civil court, which makes sense since the last thing Naomi can be is ‘civil’.

Sting has been taking it on the nose for performing last October at an “arts festival” put on by the daughter of Uzbekistan’s strongarm dictator, Islam Karimov. (He’s the former communist party boss who, since 1991, keeps getting “elected” as his political opponents or their bodies keep disappearing.) So much for him being a part of the Police, huh?

Pam Anderson is making headlines Down Under as a controversial commercial for the Perth, Australia -based Internet group “Crazy Domains” has been pulled because of a public outcry. The ad is a Carls Jr. -meets- GoDaddy commercial in which she is seen pouring milk onto another rather busty beauty. Wait, where’d you go? Come back…

Academy Award nominee Mo’Nique had this to say recently about her infamously unshaven legs. “he {her husband) loves the hairy legs,” Mo says, “and if Sid likes the hairy legs, there you go.” Blerghhhsuhttthh… Trust me, you do not want to click the link to the rest of this story.

Jessica Simpson stopped by Oprah and spoke about John Mayer’s controversial Playboy interview where he described her as “sexual napalm” and “crack cocaine.” Says Jess, “He did apologize. I don’t accept it. It’s just one of those things that…I don’t resent him. I’m just going to let that go. That part of my life is over.” Yeah he said were awesome in the sack. What a dick. I bet she’s crying her eyes out over that one.

Kim Kardashian recently picked out a $4.8 million, five bedroom, 4.5 bathroom Mediterranean-esque villa to store all of her shit in. There are also rumors that Reggie Bush plans on moving into the new house as well. NOW how much do you hate her?

Elin Woods is moving back in with Tiger. Reportedly. On Wednesday, Elin and Tiger spent approximately three hours together at the house where they will once again live together. Of course, Tiger’s penis will have to live elsewhere.

As if the surgeries weren’t enough, now Heidi Montag wants a baby… to generate headlines. “Heidi wants to have a baby. She also knows it will probably generate a lot of attention,” said the friend, who claims that the couple is already trying to conceive. “It seems like she’ll do anything to stay relevant.” One problem. You never have, and never will be, relevant. Side note: Why do I always hear the “kill kill kill” sound from the Friday the 13th movies when I read stories about Heidi? (Just kidding… sort of.)

Lindsay Lohan is writing a book. That’s all I am going to say about that. Just going to let you noodle on that for awhile.

Rihanna’s personal trainer is suing her. “In the law suit, Cindy [Percival] claims she was hired by the singer to perform ‘exclusive personal training services’ at a rate of $1,500-a-day but wasn’t paid for a few weeks work between September and October.” $1,500 a day? WTF? Seriously? That’s it. I am making my kids become personal trainers to stars. End of discussion.

Bar Rafaeli was apparently pretty upset about losing this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover to Brooklyn Decker and decided the best way to react was to act like a four-year old who just got clothes for her birthday rather than a new Barbie doll.

Jennifer Ellison gave birth to a baby boy named Bobby, meaning we will finally have one of our favorite boobie models back in a few months as big and bouncy as ever.

Hugh Hefner will officially be single come March 11th. Though the Hef and his wife, Kimberly Hefner, had been separated since 1998, the divorce is just becoming legal. Yes, he has been sleeping around on her since 1998. Hef is the man.

Jennifer Garner made a dolphin orgasm. I guess dolphins really aren’t that different from humans. “I said to the trainer, ‘I think the dolphin just peed,’” she said. “He said, ‘No, ma’am, no.’”

Brittany Murphy’s husband Simon Monjack unveiled a wrongful-death suit as well as his late wife’s Hannibal Lecter photos. Yes, you read that right. According to Monjack, a movie studio “killed her” when it dismissed her from her duties in the Happy Feet sequel. Monjack topped that off by inexplicably releasing photos of the late actress in a Hannibal Lecter mask.

Tiger Woods’ Whore #1 Rachel Uchitel got hired by the TV show Extra. Uchitel “so impressed producers that she’s been offered a job as a special correspondent.”

Alec Baldwin was taken to Lenox Hill Hospital after his 14-year-old daughter, Ireland, called 911, claiming that the 30 Rock star was “unresponsive” in their West Side apartment. A law enforcement official told the AP that Baldwin and his young daughter had argued and she told 911 he had threatened to take pills.

This week John Mayer had this to say about having sex with Jessica Simpson, “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f—ing snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f— you, I would start selling all my sh-t just to keep f—ing you.’”

Heidi Montag wants to do Playboy again, only this time topless. “She could use the money, and she’s finally ready to pose topless, so she is negotiating with the magazine,” according to one of Montag’s friends.

Dethroned Miss California Carrie Prejean announced that she and semi-professional NFL quarterback Kyle Boller will be tying the knot. They apprently began dating during her whole anti-same-sex marriage lobbying, alleged sex tapes and a much-talked-about showdown with Larry King.

Jersey Shore’s Jenni “JWoww” Farley is planning another boob job to enhance her already enormous assets. “She wants to get it done as soon as possible to be ready for the new season.”

Khloe Kardashian (-Odom, don’t forget the Odom) wants to film herself masturbating. I guess she learned that sex sells from her sister. She added, “You know, I kind of like the idea of a sexy little video. I could be naughty.”

It was a close call, but the inaugural Celebrity Idiot of the Week for this week has to go to one Simon Monjack. Well done, Simon. You must be so proud.

When asked if “black women throw themselves at you,” he replied with, “I don’t think I open myself to it. My d— is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f—–’ David Duke c—. I’m going to start dating separately from my d—.”

But he also said that black people love him, and tried to sum up what it means to be black: “It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.”

Mayer’s Playboy interview creates media storm; Singer says he won’t sleep with black women, sex with Simpson like a drug [MSNBC]

This seems like a great time to push my “Let’s load fat girls into trucks and make them do the work of donkeys to stimulate the economy” plan, so I will. I think we should load fat girls into trucks, take them out to a field, and make them plow the Earth in order to justify their existence. Because this video is the most useful thing I’ve seen a fat girl do in like decades. Other than that time I had to cut one open and sleep inside her stomach to feel warm. But we don’t talk about that any more. It was a long, cold wait at the concession line at the Buffalo Bills’ game. You had to be there to truly understand the despair.