The average male speaks about 6,000 words per day. Some of that is incoherent babble, and some of it might be quite intelligent. Obviously it depends on the speaker.

But what ties men together, from the verbose (Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann) to the men of few words (the father from “The Wonder Years”), is a set of common phrases. So we decided to take a look at some of those phrases, mostly our favorites, to see where they originated. The items below, while not exactly crutches of the most eloquent speaker, have become part of the fabric of the mainstream lexicon.

1 Sh-t end of the stick

The good news is, this phrase is extremely versatile. The speaker can insert any term connoting a really crappy scenario, and it has the same meaning. But no one really knows for sure where this one came from. Theories range from nineteenth century logging to playground baseball games.

Looks like the originator of this great phrase won’t get the deserved notoriety; talk about getting the sh-t end of the stick.

2 Pipe dream

This phrase, meaning an unrealistic hope or fantasy, originates from the “dreams” resulting from opium hallucinations. The first written references were made from the late 19th century in and around Chicago, including this reference in the Chicago Daily Tribune in 1890: “It [aerial navigation] has been regarded as a pipe-dream for a good many years.”

More current pipe dreams, resulting from the use of a crack pipe, are probably more terrifying and depressing than opium dreams. But we’ll save a discussion of drug hallucinations for another day.

3 In your face

This phrase, an “exclamation of derision and contempt”, originated in the United States in the 1970s. One source says the earliest references come from sports, the earliest being Charles Rosen’s 1976 basketball novel, “A Mile Above the Rim.”

Ironically, today, you’re more likely to find the phrase on Twitter, where people can direct things towards each other’s electronic faces rather than their actual, real faces.

4 No holds barred

Although I’d love to tell you that Hulk Hogan, star of the 1989 classic film “No Holds Barred” crafted the phrase, it actually dates back earlier. But the tag line of Hogan’s film, “No Ring. No Ref. No Rules” does capture the meaning of the phrase, which means “without restrictions or rules.” The phrase comes from wrestling, specifically wrestling holds.

The earliest reference is from the Manitoba Daily Free Press in 1892: “The conditions of the match were best two in three falls Greco-Roman style; no holds barred.” The obvious conclusion here being — Hulk Hogan is awesome.

5 Jump the gun

This phrase, meaning, “begin something before preparations for it are complete” or “to act too soon or without due caution”, comes from track and field in the early 20th century. Because of nerves or for a sneaky advantage, some runners would take off before the pistol shot. To use another common phrase — don’t be that guy.

6 Going postal

The origin of the phrase, meaning “to become extremely or uncontrollably angry”, is in contained in phrase itself. The phrase is derived from several violent incidents involving United States Postal Workers in the late 1980s and early 1990s where USPS workers shot and killed fellow workers and members of the public. One of the first, and worst, incidents occurred in an Oklahoma post office in 1986 when Patrick Sherrill killed 14 co-workers with a pair of .45 caliber pistols before taking his own life.

In December 1993, The St. Petersburg Times, a Florida newspaper, made the earliest written reference to the excessive stress known as “going postal.” So just tip your mailman during the holidays, OK?

7 Doesn’t know sh-t from shinola

This phrase, which is indisputably awesome, means “Possessing poor judgment or knowledge.” Shinola is an old brand of U.S. manufactured shoe polish. World War II veterans coined the term to refer to morons who couldn’t make the distinction between shoe polish and sh-t, only one of which should be applied to shoes. But, as Forrest Gump, or possibly someone else once said, sh-t happens.

8 Last but not least

This one, commonly used on stage to indicate that the last performer or person introduced is just as important than those preceding, has its roots in theater. One source advises that the first print reference was made in the Edinburgh Advertiser in 1824. The phrase is also used to make less significant people feel less insignificant.

There’s a whole database of phrases with fuller explanations of the above available here.

It’s almost ironic that Facebook profiles have so much information, yet so little that is actually revealing. Like I see that you listed “anything Will Ferrell makes” under your favorite movies section. But does that mean you haven’t updated your profile since 2006 or that you genuinely thought “Land of the Lost” was funny? We’ve gone through hundreds of thousands of millions of Facebook profiles and decoded 7 of the most mysterious Facebook interests.

1 Dancing in the Rain

Dancing in the rain is the equivalent of saying “I’m insanely spontaneous!!!” I mean, if someone is dancing in the rain, you can only imagine what she’s doing during a hailstorm. She’s probably doing something crazy-fun like power yoga or playing table tennis or protesting fur.

2 Going to the Gym

Going to the gym is an easy way to let someone know that you are the strongest, most fit person in the entire world. It’s actually a miracle this person even has time to create a Facebook profile between all the muscle building and steroid injecting. Don’t be surprised if you get this person’s profile confused with Hulk Hogan’s.

3 Getting Drunk

Getting drunk lets everyone know right away that this person is not in AA and is not a Mormon. Along with the majority of Americans, he likes drinking alcohol and waking up naked on his neighbor’s lawn. Sometimes he even throws up after getting drunk– but for some reason that didn’t make it to his Facebook interests.

4 Playing the Guitar

Playing the guitar is quite the find on a Facebook profile. If this guy decides to go mainstream John Mayer better run and hide. He’s that good. After all, he can play 3 and a half songs and that’s plenty considering that it usually only takes one song before a girl agrees to sleep with him.

5 Friends

Friends is the first interest you should look for on a Facebook profile. It’s a great indicator that a person is absolutely not a psychopath. He probably also loves calling these friends, writing on these friend’s walls, and receiving restraining orders from these friends.

6 Traveling

Traveling is a great way to find out if someone prefers to sit home 365 day a year or if she would prefer to go on a vacation. After all, not everyone likes going to exotic destinations and staying in amazing resorts. Some people prefer to spend their weekends stuck in a cubicle, starring at a faded Dilbert cartoon.

7 Laughing

Laughing is a great indicator of a happy person. Maybe some people love crying, frowning, and sobbing, but not this guy. He could laugh all day long. In fact he loves laughing so much that he sometimes tells everyone he’s laughing by typing LOL .

By now we all know about green beer and Shamrock shakes. But what else other festive items can you ingest in between binge drinking during St. Patrick’s Day? Here are 9 bizarre green foods to try this St. Patrick’s Day.

1 Green bean ice cream/Green bean popsicles

Don’t confuse this with green tea ice cream, which may shock you with its deliciousness, but green bean ice cream is also a sweet treat in the Japan and China. It’s known to come in both popsicle form and also in sundae form. Yeah, it’s like a sundae, except the chocolate sauce is replaced with pureed green beans. Sounds like something a frustrated parent concocted in an attempt to get their kids to eat their vegetables. I guess it could be the best of both worlds for ice cream and green bean enthusiasts, but for the first time in awhile, I think I’ll be skipping desert.

2 Jalapeno jelly

For the people who like a little bit of pop to that morning piece of toast. Most 8 oz jars of this southwestern concoction can have up to a pound of jalapeno peppers in them. If that doesn’t open your eyes in the morning, I dunno what will. Although one should be careful eating jalapeno toast and drinking a cup of coffee. That may cause some intestinal issues that might, well, make you tear-up during your morning bathroom break. It’s also supposed to be very good with crackers and cream cheese. Sounds pretty good if you like a little bite with your breakfast bagel and can handle the heat.

3 Ketchup

A few years back the folks at Heinz experimented with a few different colors of ketchup in order to try and capture the “kids with wild imaginations and no regard for taste buds demographic.” Heinz just added food coloring and kids went nuts for it. As cool as the idea sounded, actually seeing green or purple ketchup on your hamburger just kinda ended up making your food seem a little less appetizing. After six year on the shelves, Heinz discontinued the product in 2006.

4 Slime they use on Nickelodeon

Yep, the stuff that they use to slime people on nickelodeon dating back to the days of “You Can’t Do That On Television” is completely edible. I know because I toured the Nickelodeon Studios when I was little and when the tour guide said you could eat the slime– it literally blew little my mind. Of course there have been several variations over the years, but it’s basically made from either lime jello or vanilla pudding mixed with flour, green coloring and sometimes oatmeal. Not exactly world-class cuisine, but still very edible and always very entertaining when poured on people’s heads.

5 Bacon

Bacon is awesome. Legally, it should probably be put on everything. But alas, my letters to my congressman go unheeded. It never crossed my mind that someone would want to eat green bacon, but some folks are just way ahead of the curve when it comes to bacon innovation. Obviously, I’m not as much of a bacon lover as this person is; but I assume it’s part of a balanced Irish breakfast. That picture just drives home the point that you can do almost anything with bacon. Well, everything except prevent heart disease…but using bacon for medical purposes is still a very young science. Give it time.

6 Wine

That’s right green wine. Nope, this isn’t wine that is good for the environment or made from shamrocks; just a glass of Chardonnay with a bit of green food coloring in it. And why not, we have green beer, why should wine drinkers be left out of the loop. Have some fun this St. Patrick’s Day by pouring a glass of green wine and hunting for some leprechauns. Look at you– drinking your wine and looking like a high-class Ninja Turtle. You get your drink on, Donatello.

7 Cactus candy

This is a candy made from the Prickly Pear Cactus and oddly enough contains no artificial flavors or preservatives (although you can buy it in a few different flavors), so it’s a fairly healthy treat. Cactus has been a part of the diets of Mexican and Central American cuisine for thousands of years. So when you bite into this candy, your probably chewing on cactus just like the Native Americans and cowboys of the old west did. It’ll make you feel like your in the film City Slickers. But not City Slickers 2: Curly’s Gold. Duke Washburn was about riding, not dilly dallying around, chewing on cactus and gabbing like school girls.

8 Shamrock shakes

OK, this isn’t so bizarre, but its cult-like following is. It’s just a vanilla milkshake with green food coloring and a hint of mint (sometimes not so much); but people lose their mind over this McDonald’s dessert. Greatest marketing ploy in the history of fast food! Milkshake sales at the restaurant spike during March.Throw a little food coloring in something white and people become intrigued. People that wouldn’t be seen dead in a McDonalds will sneak out and grab a Shamrock shake when St. Patrick’s Day nears on the calendar. Which is good this time around, because some California restaurants are putting the fanatical following to good use by donating proceeds of every shake they sell to the Ronald McDonald House of San Francisco.

9 Bhang Thandai

For the adults in the crowd that live where it is legal, we have a drink hailing from northern India that may not be so green in color, but has a lot of green in it. Used in the annual Hindu Holi festival, this almond-flavored shake’s main ingredient is pot. A few cups of water, a few cups of milk, some chopped almonds, a little sugar and an ounce of marijuana are the main ingredients in this canabis cocktail. It may not be the way that the Irish intended St. Patrick’s Day to be celebrated, but it’s the way the Grateful Dead did. So if you’ve got the green to get the green, you can sip one of these and enjoy the holiday from a whole different perspective.

Whether it’s watching mobsters shoot up the big screen or make newspaper headlines, American culture has had a long running affair with gangsters. More often than not, prison or death seems to be the mafia’s retirement plan. Here are seven mobsters you may have missed.

Stefano “Steve the Truck Driver” Vitabile

Stefano started out as a soldier and later rose to consigliere of the New Jersey based DeCavalcante crime family. In 1990 he was convicted of racketeering and conspiracy, but his violent streak is what landed him a life sentence in 2006. Following an argument in 1991, he ordered the killing of underboss, Louis LaRasso. He also whacked acting boss Johnny D’Amato after hearing about homosexual rumors. Neither body was ever recovered. It’s probably fair to assume the guy wasn’t an Elton John fan.

Ruslan Labazanov

Born in Kazahkstan, Ruslan was a martial arts expert and known for being charismatic, yet extremely violent. It’s no wonder he rose to become boss of the Russian based Chechen Mafia. The guy took on followers of the Chechen President in a two day blood bath in 1992 and declared he would have the President’s head. He had many enemies and it’s unclear if he was gunned down in 1996 by one of his own men or relatives of a slain police officer. No wonder fellow Kazahk Borat has so much street cred.

Liborio “Barney” Salvatore Bellomo

Born in Sicily, Bellomo became a capo in the Genovese outfit before the age of 30. He soon took over the racketeering, heroin trafficking, and prostitution rings for East Harlem’s 116th Street Crew. Rising to become acting boss he was indicted on extortion and murder charges in ’96. He plead guilty to lesser charges and served a 10 year sentence. As of 2008 he’s a free man. Word on the street is the 116th Street Crew is taking applications via Craigslist.

Anthony “Fat Tony” Salerno

This NY mobster rose to become the front boss of the Genovese crime family. Known for his stylish fedora and constant cigar chomping, he earned the nickname “Fat Tony” for his size – the guy couldn’t pass up a canoli. Extortion, money laundering, illegal gambling — the guy knew about the dollar. In 1986 he even earned Fortune Magazine’s top spot of gangster in wealth and power. He became diabetic and died of a stroke at a prison hospital in Springfield, Missouri. Mob boss: 0, Cholesterol: 1.

William “Wild Bill” Cutolo

This Brooklyn born wise-guy started as a hit man and through hard work later became underboss of the Colombo mafia family. He earned his nickname after beating a Union official with a baseball bat in 1989 while horrified Teamsters looked on. Oddly enough, he was bestowed the title, “Man of the Year” in 1988 by the National Leukemia Association for his charity work. It wasn’t uncommon for him to visit children’s hospitals dressed as Santa. And who says the mafia doesn’t give back?

Giuseppe “Joe The Boss” Masseria

Immigrating to the US from Sicily in 1903 to avoid a murder charge it didn’t take long for Masseria to start working as an enforcer for the Morello Gang. He earned a reputation for being lucky after surviving a point blank hit attempt. Gangsters soon began calling him “the man who dodges bullets.” He was assassinated in 1931, while eating at one of his favorite restaurants in Coney Island, when he got up to go to the bathroom two men pumped him full of 20 bullets. People on the street quickly changed the nickname to, “That Bastard Who USED to Dodge Bullets.”

Nikolai “The Russian” Radev

The Russian Mafia has operations in Australia — who knew? And Nikolai Radev was one of their top enforcers in Melbourne during the 1990s. The guy had a rap sheet that included drug charges, extortion, blackmail, armed robbery and murder. Nikolai met a nasty death in 2003 after being shot seven times in the head and chest. His bodyguard and two other associates were present at the time but claimed they couldn’t provide police with any clues to the gunman’s identity. Hear no murder, speak no murder, see no murder – right, Nikolai?

I’ve driven across the United States several times in my life. Even with all the comforts of modern technology, it has never been a pleasant experience. Hours upon hours on desolate roads and bad radio stations; the road really does go on forever when making the trek from the beaches of the West Coast to the mountains of the East Coast.

Flat tires. Broken Heater. Busted taillight. Dead Battery. Cigarette that briefly lit my passenger seat on fire. I’ve had my fair share of idiotic automotive adventures. I’ve found that there are certain things that are good to have when (and especially) traveling cross country by yourself. Most are obvious, but some of my reasoning is probably very different than yours. You see, I have very bad luck. Like, Larry David bad luck. So I am always careful about packing for a long car trip. These things come in handy in ways you might not have thought about before. It’s basically a list for people who travel like morons. People like me.

1 Wet Naps

First thing I like to do when getting ready to go on a extended road trip is to adjust the seat to a
comfortable position, adjust my mirrors to allow maximum field of vision and then I promptly spill coffee all over my lap. Always happens to me. Usually within the first half-hour of the trip and depending on the car, a spill of any kind may end up becoming an unsettling stickiness. Nobody wants to spend 5 hours in a hot car while their legs and butt keep re-sticking to the seat. This is where napkins fail. You need Wet Naps.

2 Spare cash

It’s always a good idea to keep an extra couple of bucks in your glove compartment. Anyone that has done a lot of traveling can tell you that the mid-west and south-west parts of the United States have a lot of long stretches of highway that carve through hundreds of miles of nothingness. There is a town in Arizona called Nothing. They have a tiny gas station there with no ATM, but plenty of antique rocks you can purchase. It still takes 20 minutes for them to run a credit card there. They have to call it in. It’s hard to believe, but there are still a lot places out there that only take cash. And remember, most bribes are cash only. Plan accordingly.

3 Jumper cables

Hey, I forgot to turn off my interior lights when I came out to get a shirt last night and now my car won’t start. Yeah, I’m a moron and I need a jump. Since the power of positive thinking isn’t enough to get your car moving, unless you’re Ed Begley Jr., you’d probably need these.

4 Radar Detector

You don’t want to stress about getting speeding tickets driving on roads you’re not familiar with. You inevitably will at some point (Texas) and you’re not sure that the cops won’t toss your butt in jail for exceeding the speed limit by 40 mph (again, Texas). The thing pays for itself. Without one you’re just asking for problems.

5 Power Converter that plugs into your cigarette lighter

People will tell you to have an extra phone battery, but with a good portion of the population having iPhones (no interchangeable battery) and things like GPS systems that can need external power supplies, a power inverter is infinitely better. This way you can keep your phone completely charged at all times or make sure the GPS doesn’t power down while you’re in East St. Louis. And you can plug in the computer and send out some email at the rest stop. Or maybe even hook your Jack Lalanne Juicer in and make smoothies for you and your new sketchy drifter friend. You juice while he cuts everything with his rusty machete. Road smoothies, FTW!

6 Spare tire

It sounds dumb, but you’d be surprised at how many people sometimes take their spare tire out on along trip in order to make more room for luggage. Some will tell you that you’d be alright as long as you carry a few cans of Fix-A-Flat, but if you have any sort of severe tire damage, you’re going to be much safer riding on a spare. And if time is of the essence and you aren’t able to stop at a repair shop, a spare could end up being a lifesaver. Obviously you don’t want to drive for an extended period on it, but it could end up saving you hours or even days on your trip. So stop taking it out of your trunk! You’ve seen Roadhouse! Act like it.

7 Bear mace

They’re out there. Waiting. If you decide to bring a picnic basket, you’re really just asking for it. The parable of Yogi Bear exists for a reason, kids.

8 Small folding shovel

You may have to dig yourself out of mud. You may have to dig your way out of snow. You may have to build a sweet ramp to jump over a stack of hay bales in Kansas or fight-off a zombie uprising in Tucson. Also, that evidence isn’t going to bury itself, Kemo Sabe. So many reasons for a shovel. So many worst-case scenario type situations…

9 Phone charger

Don’t forget it. Ever seen the angry and impatient guy at Wal-Mart mumbling to himself about wasting $25 on a phone charger every time he leaves the house. That’s the guy who forgot his charger on a trip. Don’t be that guy. It’ll completely kill your mood.

10 Rope

Obviously if worse comes to worse and you’re pressed for space you can tie some of your belongings to your roof. It’s not the safest way to travel, but maybe you find a novelty foam cowboy hat in San Antonio and you realize you can’t live without it, but the car you are traveling in is filled to the brim with almost everything you own. You just tie some stuff to the roof and you’ve got room for Burt Reynolds giant foam hat hilarity. My roommate was pissed, but it was totally worth it. And you never know when you’re going to need to take a hostage or make your annoying cousin ride on the roof for a little while. I always keep rope in my car.

11 Lighter or Matches

Again, one of those things that you probably already have in your car, but can really come in hand if you get stranded in the middle of nowhere. Don’t be one of those people who forget that they took out the cigarette lighter in their car to plug in a phone charger. And don’t forget to bring a car cigarette lighter when renting a car. Actually my point is that a pack of matches is the easiest way to go.

12 Flashlight

Kind of a no-brainer. Usually good to have a small one on your keys and maybe a larger one in the trunk. With all the crap guys keep in their pockets these days, it seems like something is always falling out of my pocket and between the seats. Often it’s my phone. Sometimes it’s as innocuous as a cigarette I dropped. Other times it’s more serious because the cigarette I just dropped was lit and I smell burning upholstery! Plus when the cop comes up and shines his flashlight in your face and asks for your license and registration– you can shine you flashlight right back at him and ask, “Have YOU been drinking tonight, sir?

13 Blanket

Driving for long periods of time is going to hurt your back, so I usually end up sitting on mine. You thought I was going to go all “Alive” on you, but you’re probably not going to get stuck driving on the Andes Mountain Range. Use it as a towel, back support, a cape you can wear to give you the confidence to go inside a scary Kansas City Amoco…bring one and keep it close.You never know when you may need to go all Batman on someone’s shit.

14 iPod or MP3 player

Have you ever driven through Texas? There are two stations: The Hispanic Christian Muzak station that has been playing on loop since 1936 and a classic country station that in the dark, dead hours of the early morning, is quite frankly the most depressing musical choice in the history of time. It literally makes you want to jerk the wheel into a ditch. And radio towers are as great as we all think. A lot of states with only a few options on the radio dial. You don’t want Hank Williams, Sr. bellowing from your Ford Focus as your breeze through Amarillo at 4 am. That will depress you. Make sure you have music you like. It’ll save your sanity.

Everyone is guilty of over-quoting. From the Austin Powers “Yeah, baby!” circa 1997, to pretty much everything Jim Carrey said in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. But in the past, quotes have run the normal cycle: first you and your friends start saying it, then every so often you’ll hear it at a bar, then someone over the age of 40 uses it which is usually the automatic death knell for most quotes. But in the last few years, it seems that some lines just will not go away.

Now it’s almost impossible to stop over-quoting altogether, but if you avoid dropping the following quotes in casual conversation, you’ll be doing your part to help solve a serious problem.

1 “You know how I know you’re gay?” Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd, The 40-Year-Old Virgin

It’s understood that when guys hang out together they are bound to start talking smack. But really, when guys pull this one out, it’s really just saying that they’ve run out of creative ways to insult and question their friend’s masculinity. And if that’s really the best a dude can come up with, they don’t have any business engaging in a battle of wits.

2 “I am McLovin. Chicka, chicka yeah..” Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Superbad

No you’re not. Please stop calling yourself that. It barely worked in the movie, it will never work in real life. It’s really better off that you leave this one alone and introducing yourself by your given name. Besides, do you really want to be McLovin? Sure he got to fire off guns with the cops and got to finally touch a girl in the end. But, let’s not forget that for most of the movie McLovin was a whiny, vest-wearing dork. You really want to consistently identify with that guy?

3 “You sound like you’re from London!” Paul Rudd, Forgetting Sarah Marshall

This one’s not quoted THAT often. But since it’s usually accompanied by a really poor impersonation of a British accent, it elicits more awkward cringes than laughs. Just because Paul Rudd made it funny doesn’t mean people want to hear your best Simon Cowell impression.

4 “Shake and bake!” Will Ferrell and John C. Reily, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

This one is usually performed by duos out at bars oftentimes following a sunk beer pong shot which usually makes it twice as douchey. Quadruple the points if the offending parties follow it up with some sort of synchronized hand motion. Most people like their sports celebrations to be spur-of-the-moment and unique. This is neither. Let it go guys, let it go.

5 “60% of the time, it works every time.” Paul Rudd, Anchorman

Sure, everyone’s wanted a bottle of Sex Panther for their own collection. But as we’ve found, there’s not really that many conversations where this phrase fits in appropriately. Using this line to explain how effective something is more than likely to evoke feelings of confusion than actual laughter. And every so often, you may find yourself having to explain this line to someone that has never seen the film. If that’s the case, good luck in making it sound funny.

6 Referring to San Diego as “San Diago, which in German mean’s a whale’s vagina” Will Ferrell, Anchorman

Yup, Anchorman made the list twice. The problem with a comedic masterpiece like Anchorman is that it’s brilliance begs multiple viewings. And with multiple viewings, people are bound to latch onto more than one outstanding punchline. That being said, this particular quote is a repeat offender of the highest degree. Look, it’s a funny line. It really is. But literally everyone knows that San Diego does not mean whale’s vagina and a decent amount of people have seen Anchorman as well. This just leads to a whole lot of people thinking you’re not funny.

7 “Niiiice!” “I like-a you!” Sasha Baron-Cohen, Borat

Borat’s been funny for years, but the one disadvantage to having such a hit movie on your hand is that everyone starts doing the Borat voice. In inappropriate places. Barbers, grocery store employees, you name it and they’ve probably made an attempt at a Borat impression that would make the man himself blush. It’s probably safe to say that any quote that necessitates an accent needs to die a very public death.

8 “You’re my boy Blue!” Will Ferrell, Old School

It was a sad moment to see the beloved Blue buried to rest in the movie Old School. But since, chances are, you don’t have any friends named Blue, this line doesn’t really fit into casual conversation. Since everyone has seen Old School, and friends are generally nice to one another, you may still get a few laughs out of this one if timed correctly. But make no mistake. Those are cheap laughs brought on not by your own sense of humor, but the memory of Will Ferrell cradling his elderly friend.

9 “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it. ” Matthew Broderick, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Ah the granddaddy of them all. Usually quotes from comedies stop being cool after 3 years which makes the fact that people have been quoting this line for over 20 years, is uncanny. It resides on Facebook, high school yearbooks, and under countless “Best Quotes” lists. It’s no longer quirky or cute to make this line one’s personal philosophy summed up. It’s had a wonderful and long run, but it’s time to put ol’ Yeller out to pasture.

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Are you constantly walking around in fear that you forget to put the toilet seat down? Are you having problems sleeping because you know if you start snoring you’ll be forced to sleep on the bathroom floor? Are people constantly flipping their hands and making semi-accurate whip noises whenever you’re around? If you answered yes to any of the above there’s a good chance that your very own balls are no longer in your possession.

1 You have to consult with her before making plans

Your friends invited you to come over to watch the game and get excessively drunk on a Monday night. However, before you can say yes, you have to present a closing-argument-type-speech to your girlfriend asking for permission. She’ll reluctantly say yes, but you’ll be punished later when you come home to find her locking on the ole chastity belt.

2 You don’t remember a time when you had friends

You have faint memories of a time when you used to have a group of friends. But the memories are so hazy you’re not even sure if these “friends” were real or part of some trippy dream you had once. Sometimes you think about going onto Facebook and checking on these “friends,” but then you remember your girlfriend wrote violent things on all your ex’s walls and then deleted the account.

3 You’ve seen a Nicholas Sparks movie

Not only did you see “Dear John,” but you paid for the tickets. In fact, you’re such a good boyfriend that you voluntarily dabbed her eyes and cleaned up her mascara as she cried. The Notebook is your go-to Friday night movie DVD and you don’t even remember a time when you didn’t know all the words to the final monologue in Nights in Rodanthe.

4 You use “we” when talking about yourself

No matter how personal of a statement you are making, the pronoun “we” is always used. We went to the bathroom after eating Mexican, we had a weird rash on our stomach, and we had really bad period cramps today. The other day you tried saying “I” and ending up choking on your own tongue.

5 You always pay

Whether you’re going out to dinner or paying for Midol cramp relief, you always pay. You’re not even sure if your girlfriend owns a wallet or has a bank account since she’s never once offered to pay for anything. In the past year she surprised you by opening up 6 different credit cards in your name and claimed that debt was your problem and she didn’t want to hear another word about it.

6 You had to ask permission to go your grandma’s funeral

She was beyond pissed when you asked her if you could skip Friday DVD night to go to your grandmother’s funeral. She didn’t speak to you for weeks when you asked her to come with you for emotional support. And she wouldn’t sleep with you for four months after the funeral because you so rudely asked her not to wear her black leather mini-skirt to the service.

7 You’re castrated

Your balls are literally on a jar on the top of the fridge — not even refrigerated to stay fresh. Sometimes you steal a glance at the jar and dream of stealing them back. But then you remember that taking them back would only inevitably lead to “stop leaving the toilet seat up” fights.

Have you ever thought that Goofy was just a little bit too goofy? Wonder where Woody Woodpecker gets all that energy? Keep reading to take a look at 10 children’s characters who were obviously on drugs:

1 Scooby Doo and Shaggy Marijuana

Scooby and Shaggy were clearly the two slackers of Mystery, Inc. Add in the fact that they always had the munchies, were way too paranoid about everything and drove around in the back of a van, and it’s pretty safe to say that these two were ripping bong hits every chance they got. Of course, there’s also the infamous recurring scene in which the Mystery Machine drives away and smoke curiously billows out the back. Scoobie DOOBIE Doo!

2 Woody Woodpecker Cocaine

The hyper-speed energy of Woody Woodpecker is just too boundless and frenetic to be the mannerisms of a completely sober cartoon character. I mean, you can’t watch an episode of this classic cartoon – what with Woody bouncing off the walls, eyes all big and dilated – and not start to catch onto the fact that he was snorting something up that beak of his.

3 The Caterpillar From Alice in Wonderland Opium

The Caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland smokes out of a hookah – case closed. Further ammo – at one point he exhales and a cloud of smoke in the shape of a Chinese dragon comes out of his mouth. Oh, and he also informs Alice that she can grow and shrink through the use of mushrooms. Sounds like the guy knows his way around a drug party.

Note: The Caterpillar is probably just the clearest example of someone getting stoned in Wonderland. The Mad Hatter and Cheshire Cat were clearly on something as well, and Tweedledum and Tweedledee were probably huffing paint out in those woods.

4 Goofy Glue

Speaking of huffing, Goofy was just a little too loopy to suffer from low IQ alone. With his patented awkward walk and remarkable ability to fall flat on his ass, those motor skills of his were obviously impaired in some way. My bet is on rubber cement, but I could also see this dopey Mickey sidekick sniffing on a Sharpie or sucking nitrous from a red balloon.

5 Chester Cheetah Marijuana

Forget the old cats vs. dog feud – Chester Cheetah would be great friends with Scooby Doo. If this cartoon feline ever took off those patented sunglasses of his, it’s probably fair to say we’d see a couple of dry, bloodshot eyes. And of course, anyone who loves Cheetos as much as that Cheetah has got to have a pretty healthy level of THC circulating through the body.

6 Popeye Steroids

Spinach makes you strong? Yeah, right – not that fast at least. Symptoms of steroid use include sudden growth in muscles, increased aggression and feelings of invincibility. Sound familiar? Oh yeah, another symptom is poor decision making – which would explain why ol’ Popeye was dating that whiny string bean with the wobbly arms – Olive Oyl.

7 Pepe Le Pew Ecstasy

How do you spell love. Well, when you love everything as intensely as Pepe Le Pew, the answer is probably M-D-M-A. Combine his overt affection with the fact that he couldn’t stop rubbing his hands all over the ladies, and it makes a pretty strong case that Pepe Le Pew was hitting up the underground rave scene in his off time.

8 Animal PCP

Symptoms of PCP include erratic behavior, poor speech, mania and a blank stare facial expression. Animal possesses all of these traits. Angel dust also grants the user extreme strength. If you recall, the enthusiastic drummer of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem actually had to be CHAINED to his drum set because he became so violent. Oh, and he’s a musician – a profession that virtually requires you to be a drug addict.

9 Yakko, Wakko and Dot LSD

The odd behavior of the three main characters from Animaniacs might be the result of many different types of drugs. However, when you take into account clues such as Wakko attempting to eat scene backgrounds and Yakko believing he’s the king of a made-up country named Anvilania, the use of hallucinogenics becomes more apparent. Clearly, only such grand illusions could be caused by LSD.

10 Pippi Longstocking Marijuana

Here’s one more pothead for the books. If that picture doesn’t sell you, Pippi’s love for all things fun, along with her disdain for authority figures and public schooling should serve to further bolster her hippie tendencies. She also loves telling long stories that consist of nothing but pure nonsense or ridiculousness. Pippi’s curious super strength (she can lift a horse over her head with one hand) also suggests that she may be lacing those joints with PCP.

I quit smoking this week. Smokers who have quit or tried to quit know that it puts you on edge for a week or two. I’d sink a boat full of kittens with a hand grenade if Joe Camel asked me to right now. I’m sorry, I love kittens and nautical vessels, so I shouldn’t take it out on them. It’s my own fault. Dumb habit to start and a terribly difficult habit to kick; I’ve tried several times to stop, but to no avail. It’s my own fault. And so without further ado, I give you the 7 ways I’ve tried to quit and why I failed miserably at them. Hopefully some of you can either relate or let me know what I’m doing wrong.

1 Acupuncture

This could work for some people. But like a lot of folks out there I’m less than comfortable with needles. Me + A table full of needles = A bit of a nervous situation. And when I’m nervous, I like to smoke. So this whole experience was counter-productive. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for others (I hear it works wonders for some), but for me, I simply looked like the guy from Hellraiser (except a lot more crying) and my chi was back buying Camel Lights the moment they unstuck me. My buddy quit by using this technique though. It’s probably one of the more effective ways of quitting if you don’t mind needles.

2 Nicotine Gum

I really hate chewing gum because it hurts my stomach. I’m very aware how dumb that sounds considering I smoke cigarettes like a freight train on the B&O. Nicotine gum was not something that agreed with my palate. It also made me light-headed and tasted a bit like pepper spray. I’ve heard good things from others, but even as a nicotine supplement and an oral stimulant, gum just couldn’t shake my cravings. But it made my breath smell nice and I didn’t stink like smoke. Those are the two big pluses going for nicotine gum.

3 Hypnosis

You’re relaxing. Relax. Deep Breaths. And let all the stress melt away…Sorry hypnosis guy, but when I usually do what you just asked me to, I have a cigarette butt in my mouth. Soooo, do you mind if I smoke in here because it really helps me do what you’re asking? And I find it strange you ask a long-time smoker to take very deep breaths? That’s like asking Steven Hawking to breakdance. These are things that inevitably passed through my mind when visiting the hypnotist. My mind simply will not relax when you tell it to and this is probably why hypnosis didn’t work for me. I obviously have trouble being relaxed–that’s why I smoke in the first place. Plus I’m ADD as hell. I was a giant fail at hypnotherapy. But again, I’ve heard this does work very well for some people. You just have to go in with the right mindset to make it work.

4 Blow pops

I think it’s easiest to calm the cravings of an oral addiction by replacing it for a short-time with another oral addiction. And you get the added benefit of a sugar buzz. This is what I did with Blue-Razz Blow Pops. It does work to some extent, but you then get the added misfortune of walking around work with a blue mouth, which was not helpful in important business meetings. Plus my roommate would ask if I had just fellated Papa Smurf. Not realizing what he was talking about, I would awkwardly reply that I hadn’t, but I was trying to quit smoking. Suckers are a good element to use while quitting, but I wouldn’t rely on just using them as the sole element in the battle to kick the habit.

5 Become unable to afford them

Another method that seems to work well in my case. When I was a poor, starving artist type living in Los Angeles, I had to stop smoking for a prolonged period of time because cigarettes were over $6 a pack and my wallet couldn’t keep up with my habit. Am I telling you to sell you belongings and empty your IRA account in order to quit smoking? No. That seems ridiculous. But I know that living places like California, New York City, Washington D.C. and Hawaii, where cigarettes can be upwards of $10 a pack, can really help you curb your habit. Just like with most other things, a person will only pay so much to keep a habit alive and nothing makes you question your habits quicker than shelling $50 a week on cigarettes. Maybe it’s time for a “quit smoking” vacation?

6 In lieu of tobacco smoke a lot of marijuana

I have gotten this advice from a few people and it actually worked for some of them. It of course comes with a few added side-effects that include the munchies (that will probably cause you to gain some weight), the possibility of jail time and the fact that you may never be able to find your cars keys or your car, ever again. I don’t feel that this is going to work for most people for obvious reasons. I can’t remember anything as it is, so the only way this would work is if I smoked enough to forget that cigarettes ever existed; which seems unlikely, as I’d just be smoking something else that looked exactly like a cigarette. Plus it’s more than likely going to be an even more expensive  habit. But to each his own.

7 Lock yourself in a room and punch strangers that come in when they give you lip

No, no, no! I apologize. That’s the nicotine rage again. Doing this may give you some satisfaction, but think about how many people smoke in prison. You’d never be able to quit in there. Plus, the whole soap dropping thing…I mean, everyone likes to have a cig after sex, but…no. Bad idea. No matter how badly you want to yell and punch the people around you while you try and quit, you should probably skip this idea.

Does the nicotine patch work? I dunno. Never tried it. Ditto for the nicotine inhaler. Am I doing something wrong? If anyone has any suggestions I’d be happy to hear them. Let me know what you think in the comment section below.

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For most celebrities, the limelight is a fickle beast. When the casting agents stop calling and TMZ stops reporting, the majority of Hollywood’s has-beens tend to fall into one of two categories – struggling actor or drug addict (and often, both). However, many previous child stars and musicians successfully avoid these uncreative career paths and create a life after fame that can only be described as surprising. Seven of these surprises – some good, some bad – are listed below:

Jenny Lewis

Child actor Jenny Lewis appeared in a number of TV shows and movies throughout the 1980s. She is perhaps best known as the red-headed teen who starred opposite Fred Savage in “The Wizard.” After giving up on acting around 1998, Jenny Lewis dove into the indie rock scene with her band, Rilo Kiley. The band found success with the 2004 release of their album, More Adventurous. Since then, Jenny has released two solo albums and has become a rock celebrity of sorts within the world of indie music. Given her striking good looks and affection for country and folk music, she is often compared to similar actor-turned-singer Zooey Deschanel.

Taran Noah Smith

Better known as Mark Taylor (a.k.a. the one that went through the Goth phase) on the 1990s show Home Improvement, Taran Noah Smith has had an interesting trajectory since the show ended in 1999. Most surprisingly, in 2001 (at the age of 17) Smith did something few teens would ever consider doing: he got married. Even more shocking, the woman – named Heidi van Pelt – was 16 years his senior. They then promptly moved to Kansas to co-found a non-dairy cheese manufacturing company. Last year the two got divorced, and according to a few unverified reports, he’s moved back home with his parents.

Chris Burke

Life Goes On was a TV show that ran from 1989 to 1993 and is notable for being the first television show to feature an individual with Down Syndrome in the starring cast. That individual was Chris Burke. Perhaps not surprisingly, Burke has gone on to become an ambassador for the National Down Syndrome Society and a spokesperson for the National Down Syndrome Congress. Less predictable, is the fact that he fronts a folk band, with which he tours extensively. Regardless of what you think of his musical stylings (video below), you’ve got to admit that Chris Burke continues to be an inspiring figure for the Down Syndrome community.

Jonathan Ke Quan

Would you believe me if I told you that Short Round from the Indiana Jones movies (and Data from The Goonies) continues to be an important member of the Hollywood movie-making machine? Well, as it turns out, Jonathan Ke Quan has played a major role in a several movies from the 2000s – at least, from behind the scenes. Most notably, he used his extensive martial arts training to assist in stunt and fight coordination for Jet Li’s The One and The X-Men. He has also done sound and editorial work for The Other Side.

Michael C. Maronna

Like Jonathan Ke Quan, Michael C. Maronna (Adventures of Pete and Pete) has found employment behind the cameras in Hollywood. Though Maronna occasionally still lands a small on-screen role from time to time, it’s not enough for him to quit his day job as an electrician. That’s right, the man rigging the wires for some of the biggest blockbusters in Hollywood is none other than Big Pete Wrigley. Some of his latest movies he’s worked on include Cop Out, Precious, Be Kind Rewind and Sex and the City.

Hanson

Hanson burst onto the pop music scene in 1997 with their hit song MMMBop before immediately backsliding back into obscurity. Given that practically no one has heard from the three Hanson brothers (Isaac, Taylor and Zac) in over a decade, you’ll likely be very surprised to learn that these three plucky lads are still making music together. That’s right my friends, Hanson is still making records and touring the world over. Perhaps even more surprising: they actually have a fairly rabid fan base. Though no where near as large as it was in the late 90s, swooning girls continue to pack clubs and concert halls for their chance to see their favorite bros in all they’re sugary-sweet glory.

Kirk Cameron

Kirk Cameron was a television and Tiger Beat staple throughout the 1980s. Best known as Growing Pains’ Mike Seaver, Cameron found God in the last years of the series and has since gone on to become one of the most vocal Christian evangelists in the United States. Perhaps you’ve heard of his post-Rapture movie series, Left Behind. More recently, he made headlines by handing out pro-creationism versions of Darwin’s On the Origin of Species. Telling the world what they should believe seems to run in the family – Kirk’s sister and fellow child star Candace Cameron also takes part in evangelical ministry.

We live in a country where career satisfaction is diminishing year after year and according to the statistics, adults somewhere between the ages of 18 to mid-thirties change careers an average of ten times. With that being said, most of us out there have daydreamed one time or another about having a different, and killer job … and if you deny this fact, you’re indeed a liar. Here’s a list of ten jobs you wish you had.

1 Trapeze artist

If you’re a young dude that has dreamed about flying since you were a wee little lad, this job’s for you. I’d say you’d have to be in your mid-twenties and have a passion for this sort of thing; becoming flexible and being able to fly through the air with the greatest of ease won’t come to you overnight, but having that dare devil mindset sure will help you take the plunge … hopefully the safety net is already in place.

2 Brew master

Love beer? Apply to be the master of the brew. The kind of man that’s cut out for this job is the guy who likes to wait for things to happen. If you have a creative side, that will help you as well. Imagine telling your friends that you not only created a new flavor of beer but you get to drink on the job.

3 Concert promoter

This job is cool because you get to be the spokesperson for your favorite band and you definitely will take on much less responsibility than a publicist. What’s cooler than standing around all day in a musty, broken-in pair of jeans, sneakers and a band tee? Who knows … you’ll probably party with the band after their tour to boot.

4 Rocker

Why be a concert promoter or roadie when you can actually live the full experience. Call up some frat brothers of yours from college, jam a bit and see where it takes you. Follow through on the dream of crashing hotel rooms, not being tied-down to any particular lady and live up to the saying “sex, drugs, and rock n’roll.”

5 Mad scientist

Did you have a science kit growing-up? Here’s your chance to make playtime a reality. You can’t actually take over the world or create an antidote for those who may turn into zombies when the world ends, but you can dream. Start out small … break out an old erector set or get scrap metal parts and build really awesome robots. If all else fails, at least you know you tried … and one last thing, keep Dr. Frankenstein in mind.

6 Photographer

Every Tom, Dick, and Harry has a digital camera or some kind of iPhonamatronic in their pocket at all times. And every one of those said people can point and click at a building facade in an artsy way and publish it to their Facebook wall. This kind of job takes the utmost creativity and a lot of patience. If you think you have the chops to go out there in this economy and blow Warhol out of his grave, go for it.

7 Chocolatier

You don’t have to be a chick to love chocolate and this kind of job can be really satisfying … to your taste buds, that is. Much like that of a brew master, you get to taste your improvements as you climb the ladder of chocolaty success.

8 Freelance writer

In this kind of business, you need to have connections and really be outgoing. It’s said that if successful enough, one can live off a freelancer’s salary quite comfortably. Make those contacts and pitch those ideas!

9 Lion trainer

Manly men only needed to sought out this kind of position. Do you like laughing in the face of death? Would you not mind sticking your head in the mouth of a foul beast? This job is off-beat and sounds like a blast … it may even get you laid with the right kind of animal-loving Jane of the jungle chick. Go get ‘em Tarzan.

10 Bar owner

Let the booze flow freely and the tips be spent generously. Being a barkeep can rock for the right kind of dude. This kind of person needs to be extremely outgoing, and needs to keep a balance of knowing how to have fun but also how to stay safe. Try telling a woman you own a bar and … well, I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination.

The above jobs give you a good idea of what kind of careers are out there; just remember that it’s never too late to get on a different saddle and ride off into a crazy-ass job.

Have any other ideas of cool jobs you want to take on or know someone who works in that field? Leave a comment below and share them!

Bachelor parties are an essential part of male bonding. It’s a last chance for all of your buddies to tell you that you are making the single hugest mistake in the history of time. So it’s important that everybody be comfortable and have a good time. That goes double for the groom because it’s probably his last night of free-wheeling fun until the ink dries on the divorce papers (it’s not cynical–simply look at the numbers).

Fortunately, it’s easy to have a good time so long as you keep from making any of the following mistakes:

1 Leaving the soon-to-be groom behind

This is rule #1. It is his day, so the ball is always in his hands. He may need some prodding to partake in certain activities throughout the day, but ultimately everything you guys do is his call. So if he doesn’t want to go to the next bar–then nobody goes to the next bar without his permission. It’s just common decency. Getting married only happens on two or three occasions in lifetime. Weddings are the woman’s day. Bachelor parties are the man’s day. Try and remember that he’ll be the guy planning your bachelor party. You screw him over on his day and he has every right to do the same to you.

2Pass out at an inappropriate time or place

Guys usually get pretty drunk at bachelor parties. And by “pretty” I mean “fall down, pretend to hump inanimate objects, stupid” drunk. But if you’re gonna drink like an idiot, you had better be able to keep yourself out of trouble. Nobody wants to be in the middle of the bar and ask, “Where’s Todd?” Well, Todd had a few too many shots of Jameson and is currently passed out in the ball pit at a McDonald’s Playland. Bad form, Todd. If you can’t keep better control of yourself than that, you will surely get your comeuppance from Mayor McCheese.

3 Forgetting to reserve transportation

For the most part, everyone in your party will probably have at least a few drinks. It’s best to not chance having someone in the party be a designated driver. No one likes to chauffeur a group full of drunks around for an entire night when everyone is supposed to have a good time. So be sure to get the number for a cab or rent a limo for the night. That way you never have to stress about getting everyone from place to place or cleaning out Uncle Jimmy’s puke from the backseat of your Jetta.

4Throw it at a place that no one is interested in going to

A dive bar, a golf course, strip club, the Super Bowl, and Vegas are all places that most guys would enjoy spending a few hours drinking and laughing. Miniature golf, church meetings, anything having to do with Michael Bolton or a night at the opera are probably places that will bore your party right back to their hotel. Venue is everything during a bachelor party. It sets the tone for the night. So it’s important to find a place everyone will have a good time. If all else fails just take a vote and book wherever it is that most people (and the groom) want to go.

5 Don’t help pay for things

Bachelor parties are a right of passage for a lot of men. You are expected to pony up a little green for something that is basically a going away party for a buddy because, unfortunately he’s probably not going to be around all that much anymore once that ring hits his finger. So for one night he gets a free pass. Booze, drugs, lap dances, greens fees, bail money– these should all be taken care of by the other guys at the party. If you don’t have as much, then just figure a way to give what you can; but don’t try and partake in the festivities without throwing some cash in the pot. That’s just bush league.

6 Slip a roofie into the Jagermeister

Save that for the sorority mixer with Alpha Chi Omega, Daterape McFratboy. No reason to ruin a good time and someone else’s special night because you wanted to be “The Funny Guy” like Zach Galifanakis in The Hangover. The world will have to somehow survive without your special brand of “penises drawn on a passed out guy.”

7 Say something stupid to the bride’s father/brother

“Hey (insert grooms name here), remember that time in Tijuana and we met those twin double-jointed masseuse gymnast hookers? Then we went and bought all those Mexican Xanax and cheap tequila and went completely crazy. When we woke up the next day, you were missing a kidney and I was stark naked in a Tijuana jail cell? I can’t believe this guy has never heard that story! Next time we go down to you, you are coming. I’m serious. We know a lady down there that can suck an raw egg through a crazy straw without breaking it. You’re coming! Next time (points to eyes) you’re coming!”

Don’t be that guy.

8 Accidentally kill a stripper

Not cool, Guy! Does this actually happen? Not from my bachelor party experience. But if movies have taught us anything, it’s that you should always have a shovel in the trunk when attending a bachelor party. Better safe than sorry.

Maybe your girlfriend just dumped you or maybe you haven’t had sex since the 90’s or maybe you’re just really horny. Whatever the case may be, WebMd claims that there is no cure quite as effective as the one-night stand. However all it takes is a few missteps to turn a successful one-night stand into an absolute disaster.

1 Don’t acknowledge you don’t know her name

You just finished having the most amazing sex of your life and you realize you don’t even know her name. Danielle? Jessie? Thomas? Don’t ruin the moment by admitting you forgot her name. Combine hot, sexy, stuff, thing, and baby in any order to create a personalized and unforgettable nickname.

2 Don’t exchange information in the morning

So you’re leaving in the morning and you feel bad saying “see you probably never.” Instead of asking for her number and giving her the false impression you’ll call, locate the nearest exit and whisper goodbye before she’s even awake. If you feel guilty just leaving, tell her you’re married, and this can’t ever happen again.

3 Don’t go to brunch

Just because conversation flowed in bed (“harder,” “faster,” “I said donkey was my safe word”) doesn’t mean it will go as well over breakfast. Sitting at a restaurant trying to make small talk will only emphasize that you’re actually strangers. However if you’re feeling chivalrous, be a gentleman, and leave her a few dollars to grab herself an Egg McMuffin.

4 Go back to her place

It’s incredibly important that you make every effort to end the night in her bed. It’s much harder to come up with an excuse to leave early in the morning when you’re already in your own apartment. A foolproof way to guarantee that you end up back at her place is to tell her she’s welcome to come home with you as long as she doesn’t meeting your parents and sleeping in your bunk bed.

5 Keep it Casual

No matter how many ways you did it, a one-night stand is not an appropriate time to begin discussing personal matters. Don’t extend beyond small talk about the weather and the time of day. If you exchange career information or last names, things have gone too far, and odds are high you’re going to end up with a serious girlfriend.

6 Don’t do anything weird in bed

On one hand you’ll never see her again. On the other hand she might just be a sex blogger who will share all the weird details, as well as your full name. Try your hardest to keep it normal by refraining from pulling out your collapsible whip and inflatable sex doll.

7 Use Protection

Nothing turns a one-night stand into a shotgun wedding faster than an unplanned pregnancy. The last thing you want to do is spend all your hard-earned money on paternity tests and child support. Pulling out only works in red states where condoms aren’t sold without a prescription.

There have been countless other lists and websites compiled about Man Code; however, most seem a little dated at this point in time. So I give to you a few updated amendments to “The Code.” Now I am not saying that all of these actions will automatically get your Man Card revoked, but they are a few issues that shall soon need to be addressed in the Court of Man.

Watching men’s figure skating

Most men will never utter the words, “Hey look, it’s a man in faux fur and skin-tight spandex skating to Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On.’ We should watch this!” Look, to each his own, but most males you ask will tell you that if you’re watching a man twirling around in a sequined blouse to the music of Hall and Oates…you’re doing something wrong. Ballet? We get that. Opera? We get that too. Disney’s Beauty and the Beast on Ice? OK, you’re pushing it. The Men’s Figure Skating National Championships? Someone is liable to rip that Card right out of your jazz hands…

Using fake tanner or getting a spray on tan

We all want to look our best when we go to work or out for drinks or on a date. And I can understand possibly using fake tan in certain situations. But only in extreme cases like if you fell asleep at the pool and only half your face got tan and now you look like a second rate Batman villain or your buddy drew a handlebar mustache on your sleeping face with sunscreen and now you look like some sort of effeminate Civil War General. At the end of the night you want lipstick on that white collar–not an orange smear that makes you look like a four-year-old who can’t keep his Spaghettios under control at dinner time.

Knowing all the lyrics to a Miley Cyrus song

In a time with endless streams of music from iTunes and satellite radio, no grown man should ever have to listen to Miley Cyrus or her alter ego Hannah Montana, let alone know all the words to any of her songs. She’s for teenage girls. Disney specifically designed her for teenage girls. You are an adult male. Metallica was specifically designed for you. Now you don’t need to buy a Metallica record to remind us of your manliness, but another man definitely shouldn’t catch you singing “Party in the USA.” If someone does, they might take your Man Card just for being kind of creepy.

Going to see a chick flick by yourself

If a movie has people in Victorian era costumes or Kate Hudson, you are in direct violation of the man code. Remember that afternoon you got bored and went to see Bride Wars? No you don’t. Men should never be watching football and hear a buddy utter the phrase, “Hey wasn’t Anne Hathaway fantastic in Becoming Jane?” Chick flicks are for special date nights and should only be discussed when your relationship depends on it or sex is being withheld. And if you accidentally tell your friends about seeing one, prepare to suffer a wrath of jokes like: “Cannonball Run. Now is that the one where Keira Knightly plays a Civil War bride? Or am I thinking of a different Cannonball Run?”

Asking for directions

You don’t have GPS? Seriously dude, it’s 2010. Get with the damn program. Or at least try to fake like you know where you’re going long enough that you stumble upon where you’re supposed to go. Law of averages.

Wearing Mascara and you aren’t a rock star

You want to be different and that’s understandable. You feel the need to express yourself, your individuality, and creativity? Cool. But, if you want to wear make-up in public, than you better be a rock star. There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s about this situation. Have you ever seen a Maybelline commercial with a male spokesmodel? Of course not. Make-up is for women and actors and that’s pretty much it. If you are a man and you are wearing make-up for no other reason than you think it makes you look cool…your buddies could possibly relinquish your Man Card forever, relegating you from your usual hangouts to the nearest Sephora.

You have a Bedazzler or have been bedazzled

Bedazzlers are for figure skaters, back-up dancers and Liberace impersonators. It’s no longer the 70’s, and you are not a Rhinestone Cowboy. And if you were, the cards and letters you’d be getting would tell you to make better use of your time than bedazzling jean jackets. No human male should ever wear something bedazzled unless it’s for a Halloween costume or you’re in an Earth, Wind and Fire cover band. No exceptions.

Buying wine coolers for yourself

Bartles and James would like to thank you for your support. But your friends and other men everywhere would like to ostracize you now. Men can drink wine and beer and can even has liqueur without raised eyebrows, but the minute a man picks a Fuzzy Navel out of the refrigerator–all hell breaks loose. You never see a commercial with three men judging a bikini contest while drinking Tropical Mango wine coolers because it’s just not natural. You don’t have to like or even drink beer, but you have to drink something besides wine coolers or forever live in fear that every male that walks by will be there to make fun of your drink selection and confiscate your Man Card.

Spending more than 20 minutes getting ready

Men should be able to get ready in 20 minutes no matter the situation.

“Hey Ted, it’s NASA…yeah, that NASA. Uh huh, we know you’ve been busy with the Peterson account and the adult kickball league, but we talked about it and we decided to send you up in the space shuttle. We know we’ve never contacted you before this afternoon, but we need you on the shuttle today. Yeah, we know you went to space camp when you were 11–that’s weighed heavily in our decision. It’s a seven month mission. So can you pack and be ready in 20 minutes?” Your response should be, “Absolutely. Now am I going to need to pack my snorkel on this mission?”

You are 45 minutes into getting ready while drinking a wine cooler in your bedazzled CATS sweatshirt and singing Hannah Montana as you flip the TV to figure skating highlights – Nobody is worried. Someone probably destroyed your Man Card a long time ago. You’re always late, but at least you’re happy. JAZZ HANDS!!!

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Have you ever been out on a date with a woman and gotten the feeling she’s not listening to anything you’re saying? Trust me, she’s trying very hard to focus on the words coming out of your mouth. However she’s much more preoccupied by all the thoughts running through her head. She’s ten steps ahead of you and will most likely spend the entire date trying to predict the answers to the following questions.

1 Who will pay the bill?

Women start stressing about this as soon as you both sit down at the table. Will you be offended if she doesn’t offer to pay (ungrateful bitch!) or will you be offended if she does do the slow-motion “let me get my wallet” move? Put her fears to rest by telling her to order anything she wants (on or off the dollar menu) because this meal is on you.

2 What happens next?

Everything is going super great on the date and you’re happy that J-Date finally pulled through for you. However, she’s debating if you expect to come home with her or if you think she’s a giant slut for even thinking that. Make your intentions clear from the outset by subtly sliding a handful of condoms across the table and mouthing “later.”

3 Do I actually like him?

You’re funny, charming, and good-looking in the candle light. As you tell another hilarious story about the time you set you set a pledge on fire in college, she’s trying to decide if she wants to date you. Solve this problem by making her fall in love with you immediately. Instant love can generally be created by making sure she has endless drink refills.

4 Am I making sense?

As she rambles on about co-worker drama and its relationship to problems with her mother, she’s simultaneously asking herself what the fuck she is talking about. She wants to make a good impression– and in an attempt to do so continually finds herself telling stories with no end. Save her the embarrassment by constantly interrupting with your own semi-related stories.

5 What is he looking for?

Whether you went on this date looking for a girlfriend or looking for a one-night stand, you know exactly what you want. Now she’s attempting to interpret what you want by over analyzing everything you say. Stop making her read between the lines by spelling it out for her — “my friends dared my $100 to ask you on a date, after this I will never see you again.”

6 What will my friends think?

Women get off on judging each other, especially their very own friends. Even if she is falling madly in love with you, she’s still thinking about what her friends will say. Assure her that her friends will love you by being extra-good-looking, extra-funny, extra-nice, and extra-rich. It’s truly that easy!

7 Do I still look okay?

She left her house with perfectly straight hair and smudge-free make-up. However you’re now halfway done with your ribs dinner and she’s stressing about what’s in her teeth and how to get that lump of sauce out of her hair without you noticing. Make her feel more comfortable by smearing sauce all over yourself to the point that you’re asked to leave the restaurant for lewd and indecent behavior.

There’s nothing quite as disturbing as an unnatural closeness between a mother and son. In the world of television, many a character has suckled too long at the teet of his mother. Below are seven of the biggest mama’s boys in TV history:

Buster Bluth Arrested Development

In a family that is completely dysfunctional and inept, Buster Bluth is perhaps the most dysfunctional of all. Due to his mother’s hyper-controlling and protective nature (she won’t allow him on the balcony when it’s too windy outside), Buster has grown into a man-child that fears any situation that takes him too far from his mother. Despite this fact, he consciously resents Lucille for her suffocating ways and occasionally tries to rebel (for example, dating her rival, who creepily is the same age as his mother and is also named Lucille). However, no matter how many half-assed actions or snide comments to the contrary (“Like anyone would want to ‘R’ her”), it’s clear Buster loves his mother and would be content to just sit and brush her hair all day.

Sterling Archer Archer

The great Jessica Walter re-conjures the essence of Lucille Bluth in many ways in the animated FX TV show, Archer. Here, her character, Malory, has a similar love/hate relationship with her secret agent son, Sterling Archer, as the one found with Buster and his mother in Arrested Development. As the head of Archer’s secret agent organization (ISIS), she continues to mother him as if he was a 5-year-old boy. While Archer talks out and thinks for himself more than others on this list, he still has a need to please his mommy and make sure she’s happy with his actions. If you haven’t seen Archer yet, check it out. Episodes are now available on Hulu.

Howard Wolowitz Big Bang Theory

You’ll find that sons who still live at home are a common theme among many mama’s boys. Such is the case for Howard Wolowitz, who shares a home with his never-seen, but always-yelling mother. Despite Wolowitz’s significant accomplishments as an aerospace engineer, Mrs. Wolowitz seems intent on treating her little boy like he’s still in diapers. And though she gets on his last nerve, when it all comes down to it, if given the opportunity to be turned into an android, Wolowitz would respect his mother’s wishes and do so only if he could continue to be Jewish.

Mom’s Three Sons Futurama

Though minor characters in the futuristic world of Futurama, the three sons of the malevolent Mom character make up for their short stage time with character profiles that are virtually the definition of a mama’s boy. The three boys – named Walt, Larry and Igner – collectively act as Mom’s brown-nosing minions. Despite her constant berating and hand slaps, the trio maintains their loyalty to Mom and express their wishes to one day “marry a girl like her.” For all their efforts, Mom rewards them with a measly 0.1 percent share in her company.

Eric Cartman South Park

In most cases, the lives and decisions of mama’s boys are expressly dictated by that of their overly controlling mothers. Such is not the case with Eric Cartman, who is clearly the one in charge when it comes to running the Cartman household. However, this does little to diminish the fact that South Park Elementary’s fattest fourth-grader is undeniably mommy’s little man. Whether he’s just sitting on the couch asking for more Cheesy Poofs or going all out by asking her to help him enter the special Olympics, the bond he has with his mother is as unnaturally close as they come.

Trey McDougal Sex and the City

Never watched Sex and the City? That’s okay, guys, because you don’t need to know that a grown man who takes baths with his mother tub-side is a mega mama’s boy. Though a rich, attractive and well-mannered man, the fact that he loves his mother in such a way that screams Oedipal complex does much to diminish his chances of ever scoring with the fairer sex. In fact, his mommy issues are so intense, that they do much to contribute to the man’s inability to get it up. That’s right, he’s so effed up from the young boy/mommy relationship that he’s stuck in that his Willie is just as functional as that of an 8-year-old boy. A relationship with your mother doesn’t get more icky than that.

Principal Skinner The Simpsons

Fights over the inflatable bath pillow and getting grounded at the age 40 are par for the course when your name is Principal Skinner (or Armin Tanzarian). While Principal Skinner may be the top dog at Springfield Elementary, it’s clear that his personal life is completely run by that of his mother – Agnes Skinner. Some of Seymour’s more, “Yes, mother,” moments include rushing home from school so he can help Agnes finish off a June bug she has cornered in the basement and doing a daily mole check to earn his allowance.

The other day, I was talking to a buddy about our college days. We remembered the good old days when we could get up at 10 am and drink beer until early the next morning. Sadly, we are getting old and can barely make it to Jimmy Fallon these days, but that got us to thinking about the past and how much beer is enough to really get you in trouble.

We put together this list and hope that next time you decide to drink a few beers, you’ll think about some of the warning signs we talk about below and hopefully, we’ll be able to keep some of our readers out of trouble when all their rowdy friends come over. If we only save one person from getting a Chinese symbol tattoo or marrying someone you just met in a Vegas strip-club…our list will have had purpose.

1 Sober

You haven’t had anything to drink. You (probably) have all your motor and social skills completely intact. You are perfectly capable of talk to any law enforcement officials that may crash the party. This is as good as you are going to be on a unicycle. Try and remember that later on in the night, as unicycling will only sound like something easier and easier to do as the night progresses.

2 Buzzed (AKA “buzzed” or “pretty good” )

You’ve had a few beers and you just start to feel a twinge of that warm feeling you get when you have a few. Things that would usually bother you become a little bit easier to deal with and most people are perfectly fine with letting you operate things such as grills and small power tools. You feel like you are starting to float a little bit and you just feel wonderful. You don’t even need to drink that much more because you like where you’re at. Yet, you usually continue to drink and that’s where things start to get a little messy.

3 Really Buzzed (AKA “tipsy” or “getting there”)

The internal map of your surroundings has been skewed by a few trips to the Ice House. You accidentally kick over the beer you were drinking or accidentally start knocking things over. You start to notice that things aren’t exactly where you left them. Maybe you bump into someone from behind and they spill just a little bit of beer on themselves. No harm done. You apologize and they laugh, but you don’t exactly understand why you are having a hard time navigating because you “haven’t had that much to drink.”

4 Drunk (AKA “plenty boozed” or “drunk”)

You have met your quota for alcohol intake for the night, but that’s the Catch-22; you realize that you have had enough to drink, but the drunk voice in your head is telling you that you should keep drinking more anyway. “You’re just starting to be fun. The party is just getting started!” says your inebriated brain. Talking starts to sound LOUDER. And you notice that there is now a heightened level of concentration that you have to use when reading your internal map to do things you wouldn’t usually have trouble doing. Things such as making it to the bathroom without knocking a magazine off the coffee table become extremely complicated. Or if you are at a party, you may have trouble remembering where the bathroom is. Things start to take a little bit of effort on your part and this should send up major red flags. No talking to anyone important for the rest of the night. And stop texting your ex!

5 Really Drunk (AKA “Schknockered“ or “don‘t tell him we hid the beer”)

You will know you are at this stage when you notice that you are swaying a bit when you stand and slurring when you try to form coherent sentences. This will prove arduous, as you will feel the need to tell really long and rambling stories that don’t seem to have any semblance of a point and don’t seem to be heading towards a logical conclusion. When you hear a girl tell a story about a cat, you will interrupt and talk about how you heard NASA was planning on sending cats to space and how that was a terrible idea. You’ll mention how they have no opposable thumbs and cats are moody and wouldn’t relay vital information back to Cape Canaveral because felines always have their own agenda. And a half an hour later (after you lose complete control of the volume of your voice) you’ll be talking about how Buzz Aldrin wasn’t an f’ing cat because you met him that one year you got thrown out of space camp. Others at the party will be talking about a loading you into the first cab they see and getting you home before you do something you’ll regret.

6 Blitzed (AKA: “done“ or “the guy we quit serving an hour ago”)

Remember earlier, when you were accidentally bumping into people and spilling their drinks? We’ll that was 10 beers ago and your brain is telling you that you don’t have time to wait to pee. You now feel like a running back and have the ability to run through large crowds of people. When you see a hole you hit it hard like Tecmo Bo Jackson and just start plowing through people like a drunken, screaming steamroller. People start to yell at you, or want to fight you at this point. You have jumped the shark my friend. Your act has gone from being funny to being obnoxious. Your internal map now looks like a war zone. Everything you touch seems to break and everyone you talk to is hostile. Nobody wants you at the bar or party anymore. You are a party Nazi. You have come in and blitzkrieged everything in site and somebody should physically force you out of wherever you are to prevent further damage. And usually somebody will.

7 Blackout Drunk (AKA “somebody else‘s problem“ or “Inmate: 218567”)

And then there is the brutal end. It’s like dying, but with 100% more consequences. This is the level where most inappropriate or crude phone call are made. Everything you do now you will regret tomorrow. You should be in bed or near bed at this point unless you are getting sick in the bathroom. But, on the plus side, remembering where the bathroom is no longer a problem because the world has become your toilet. There is no accidentally about it–everything you do looks like a battle plan. You are a mixture of Shiva the Destroyer and a golden retriever that has yet to be potty trained. If you talk to the cops, it will only be because they have you handcuffed in the back of their squad car. Apologize to everyone you meet the next day. Trust me. And get the hell away from that unicycle*!

8 Hospital Drunk

Somehow you managed to drink enough beer to go to the local hospital. Congratulations, as you’ve won a free stomach pumping and thousands of dollars in medical bills. Come to think of it, if we’d have just let you ride the unicycle, you would have sprained your wrist and saved yourself a lot of time and insurance claims. Our bad, Drunky.

*The unicycle is a metaphor

It’s easy to be a guy. Men, for the most part, simply wake up and exist. We shave, shower and brush our teeth. When necessary, a man can be up and ready in seven minutes or better. Men have issues of their own but it’s an entirely different, and much more frightening, story for women.

There’s a whole world of feminine care that I knew existed but never knew anything about. At home, women have an arsenal of lotions, scrubs, masks and creams. They purposely wear devices that constrict blood flow in order to shape their bodies. In the pursuit of beauty, women subject themselves to borderline torture with eyebrow threading, waxing and facial extractions.

Women pull, pluck and smear hot wax on their bodies, and use alarming words like “exfoliate.” They routinely do battle with terrifying contraptions, chemicals, sharp objects and irons capable of scalding. It’s just standard operating procedure.

I’m not even going to get into products related to menstruation, childbirth and menopause. There’s danger enough elsewhere. Here are the products that make me really glad I’m a guy.

8 The Curling Iron

The curling iron is shaped like a night stick, spring loaded and they’re commonly made from tourmaline, metal or titanium. They reach temperatures in excess of 200, and some of these hand-held nightmares may even reach temperatures of almost 400 degrees. The purpose of all of this? To curl hair. Alternative uses of the curling iron include assault and battery.

7 The Eyelash Curler

The eyelash curler, used to curl eyelashes in order to make the eyes look bigger, looks like some combination of a medieval weapon and a modern dentistry tool. Both of which are miserable objects to encounter, let alone use near the eye. Worse, some women heat the curler with a hair dryer before use. Because using a metal object near the eye is not enough, apparently it must be heated.

6 Spanx

Spanx is a popular brand of “shape wear” used to give women a slim and shapely appearance. The whole idea behind the squeezing material is to constrict the human body into a smaller space than gravity would allow. They’re like the anti-Long Johns. No thanks.

5 Push-up bras

Although they’re lovely for men to admire, that’s where the fun ends. Breasts are sensitive, and these gussied-up torture devices squeeze and pinch pairs of innocent snuggle pups together and upwards with wires and nylon. Adding insult to injury, they’re expensive. If I had to pay for an uncomfortable device that compressed my male parts, and then walk around in it for several hours, I would be pissed off. Impressive in leather pants, but pissed off.

4 Lip Plumpers

This is actually a real product. Regrettably, I tried it for the purpose of composing this list, and it felt like ants were crawling on my mouth. Lip plumpers typically work by irritating the thin, delicate skin of the lips with ingredients like menthol or camphor. This makes the lips swell slightly, which may also diminish the appearance of fine lines in that area. So to summarize: limp plumpers work by damaging skin.

3 Stilettos

Another device that operates by challenging gravity. Stilettos lift a woman’s heel up and force the weight of the body onto the tips of their toes. The result? Swollen feet and possibly leg and back pain. Notably, they make walking difficult. So for those keeping score, stilettos are footwear that hurt the feet — and make walking difficult.

2 Hair Dye

Although not uniquely a product for women (see: Scott Spiezio’s red soul patch), it’s women who keep the hair coloring industry afloat. Hair-dying involves putting chemicals all over the hair and scalp. Adverse effects include temporary skin irritation and allergy, hair breakage, skin discoloration and unexpected hair color results. “Hair lightening” is also referred to as “bleaching.” You may have heard of bleach — a common household cleaner.

1 The Cuticle Cutter

This awful little contraption is designed to rip away the cuticle. The cuticle, mind you, was designed by Mother Nature to protect a person’s nail bed from infection. Nevertheless, the cuticle cutter is used to shorten and cut away the cuticle — to make the nail look better. Hopefully Mother Nature appreciates irony.

The second a woman walks into your apartment after a date (or drunken bar make-out), you can usually assume you’ll at least be getting to second base. However, just because she’s taking off her shoes and slurring all her words doesn’t mean that anything is for sure happening. If you have any of the following items in your apartment, it’s a safe bet she’ll walk right back out that door.

1 Broken furniture

You’re an adult now and your apartment should reflect that. There’s a problem if you’re still using your college couch with duct-tape patches as a realistic seating option. Throw out the bean-bag chair, take down the ceiling tapestry, and recycle the empty beer can collection you’ve been storing pyramid-style over the fridge.

2 Exotic pets

It’s the rare woman that will walk into an apartment and swoon over your naked mole rat. And no one wants to hook-up while a 12-foot boa constrictor munches on mice in his cage. Now is the time to decide if you want to raise an alligator in your bathtub or you want to see a girl naked before you die.

3 Locked doors

Movies have made it clear that there is never anything good behind a locked door. The options run the gamut from ailing grandmother to dead hookers to a collection of toe-nail clippings. Try and keep her from imagining the worst by refraining from tackling her and yelling “I told you never to ever go near that door!”

4 Dorm room posters

Posters that were cliche in college are now just embarrassing. Whether it’s the John Belushi college poster or the Bob Marley smoking weed poster, it’s absolutely unacceptable. Tear them down and replace them with a still life of fruit and a classic framed Playboy spread.

5 Moldy food

If the general rule in your fridge is to keep food a year beyond the expiration date, there’s a problem. Unless your fridge is stocked with blue cheese, there’s no reason to keep moldy and rotten food. And if your fridge is stocked to the brim with blue cheese, you’re probably more in need of the article “7 reasons you’re morbidly obese.”

6 Stains

Excessive drink stains, rust stains, and blood stains all tend to be a major turn-off when you’re trying to create a romantic atmosphere. Either rip out the carpeting before you bring ladies home or insist on only using candles. The candle light gives you the added advantage of looking far more handsome than you will ever look under fluorescent lights.

7 A huge mess

If you’re the kinda guy that considers your floor the trashcan and your trashcan a toilet, than you might have problems getting girls to stay at your place. While some girls may look at the roach infestation as an indoor sneak peak at nature, others will run out looking for the largest container of hand sanitizer. If the thought of cleaning up the mess gives you hives, do yourself a favor, and at least flush the toilet.

When done correctly, car accessories and decorations can add unique style and class to your vehicle. When done incorrectly, you get an ugly car that tells the world just how dumb the driver is. The seven stupidest ways to accessorize a car are listed below:

1 Flames

Contrary to popular belief, those flame decals on the side of your ‘94 Dodge Neon are doing little to convince me that you’re currently accelerating beyond the sound barrier. Look, I get it – you think your car is hot. So hot in fact, that the 4-cylinder engine under the hood is en fuego. The symbolism does not escape me, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that flame decals are incredibly stupid. When it all comes down to it, the only type of car that should be covered in flames is the PT Cruiser. And by that I mean actually set on fire, because those things are ugly and need to put out of their misery.

2 Bullet Decals

Bullet decals are the red-headed stepchild of the flame decal. Like flames, they are supposed to indicate to the world that you are a badass. However, if you were really a badass, wouldn’t you be the one doing the shooting rather than the one getting shot at? Also, look at a bullet decal and you’ll realize that the “outwardly bending metal” of the sticker suggests that the gun shot came from inside the vehicle. And if you’re shooting up your own vehicle from the inside, then that’s not tough – it’s just plain stupid.

3 Too Many Bumper Stickers

So you listen to ska music? That’s cool – not really my thing, but that’s okay. Everyone can and should be passionate about something. However, when you feel the need to reduce your road visibility by covering your rear glass with Skankin’ Pickle stickers, you know you’ve got a problem.

Similarly, I know there’s a time and place to bring up such topics as politics, saving the planet and which radio station you think rulez with a Z, but sitting on the highway during morning rush hour isn’t it. I hate to break it to you, but no pun, no matter how clever, can get me to change my core values about eating meat or voting for Dukakis in ‘88.

4 Underbody Neon Lights

Now here’s the perfect car accessory for the raver on the go. Bright neon lights are great when you want to entice people to “Eat at Joe’s” or check out some “Girls! Girls! Girls!” But when it comes to driving a car, there’s really no reason to direct anyone’s attention to that patch of ground that your vehicle is currently traveling over. As such, underbody neon lights are a sure sign that the driver has issues with needing to be the center of attention. That, or he’s overcompensating for something.

5 Stuffed Animals

Stuffed animal collections in cars are awful for many of the same reasons as bumper stickers. Not only is a row of cute, adorable stuffed teddy bears a potential safety hazard, but it’s also just plain creepy. Maybe it’s just me, but I find something unsettling about pulling up to a car in traffic only to be met by the hollow stares of an army of stuffed animals.

If you like stuffed animals, then great! Pile them up on your bed or in other places at home where they can remind you of rainbows and warm hugs and all that other good stuff. But when you’re out in the real world, keep those fuzzy feelings to yourself.

6 Big Wing Spoilers

Wings belong on three things: bird, airplanes and Victoria Secret models. As such, if you’ve tacked on an aftermarket wing spoiler to your beater car, then you’re either incredibly confused or incredibly dumb. Yes, spoilers, when designed correctly, improve aerodynamics and improve vehicle performance. However, in this case, bigger does not translate to better. There’s a thing called subtlety – look into it.

7 Trailer Hitch Testicles

Call me crazy, but there has to be a more tasteful way to tell the world that you’re brimming with testosterone than by hanging a pair of rubber testicles from your trailer hitch. When I see one of these plastic abominations swinging in the breeze at highway speed, I can’t help but wonder what type of person would think this was a good way to decorate their vehicle. Of course, we all know the answer to this question: douchebags. Douchebags are the only people who would do such a thing.