So I don’t know what it says about me that I saw this ad and thought that at least 70% of the stuff that they were saying was “crap” looked entirely delicious. I mean seriously, if you ate by the letter of the law according to strictest health food fanatics, you could pretty much take bites out of your desk at work and get the same level of satisfaction.

I may be slightly biased though due to that muppet in the beginning selling Crap cereal. While I don’t love the name of the cereal since it doesn’t really connote deliciousness or magical leprechauns, I would follow that surly green muppet to the depths of hell. He could take a muppet dump on a plate (which I assume would be made of felt and perhaps be able to sing a song about friendship or the importance of eating vegetables) and I’d be like, “Yes sir, Mr. Muppet, I am on board with this.”

[Buzzfeed]

So here’s what I didn’t get about the Muppets, particularly the Muppet Babies. Kermit’s a frog, right. Fozzy’s a bear. Miss Piggy is a giraffe, I assume. So what the f are Gonzo and Animal? And weren’t Skeeter and Scooter human? What kind of irresponsible parent lets their child live with a bunch of talking animals who may or may not have fantastical adventures? Even if they’re orphans, it’d take a pretty irresponsible caretaker to say, “Hey, this is totally okay.” You might as well just light the kids on fire and hope for the best.

[via]

I don’t know if this is going to lead into a joke, but I’ve been wanting a Muppet version of myself for a long time now. They make them at the FAO Schwartz location in NYC, but I haven’t had time time or followthrough to do it. I tried to convince my girlfriend that we should get matching Muppets and she said, “Yeah, we sure should,” but I think she was being patronizing and/or a dick. I think I’d just display the Muppet in the apartment. Though I think there would be some comedic value in my girlfriend coming home one day and finding me facef’ing her Muppet, then telling her that it’s not what it looks like.

Point being: There has been nothing in the world that couldn’t be enhanced by Muppets. You could probably reinstitute torture and, so long as it was done by Muppets, everyone would be thrilled.

[thanks Quikjo for the tip]

That was a pretty adorable little segment, wasn’t it? You know what’d make it even better? If Kermit had a severed human head in the box. Cookie Monster would be like, “What the f, Kermit? I thought this was a game.” And Kermit would be like, “This is a game, Cookie” (editor’s note: Or “Monster”…I’m not exactly sure what the friendly nickname for Cookie Monster would be). That’d be a twist no one saw coming. Especially if it was Jim Henson’s head and this was payback for all of his years of chaining the Muppets up and making them perform for you dirty children. All I’m saying is if you’re going to enslave a talking frog and a seemingly-transgendered pig and various sorts of shapeless monsters, all bets are off.

[via]

You can see more clips of Muppet Babies spliced with audio from LOST here.

I’m kind of sleepy and don’t know what I’d say here that’d be funnier than that, so I’ll tell you what. Let’s just pretend I said like the funniest crap ever and you were like, floored by it. Like this was the most amazing laugh ever that it could cure cancer. And then…boom, nuclear war. Was that laugh really worth it? Probably not. So really, I just averted catastrophe. But where’s my medal of honor? Dicks.

[saw it first here]

A friend of mine fisted a girl the other week. That has tangential relevance to the comic but, more than anything, I just wanted to put that sentence out there to the world. I don’t see the appeal in it. I mean the type of girl you can fist isn’t really going to provide much sexual satisfaction unless you’ve got an elephant penis. And additionally, I think, as a woman, seeing a man with a fist in your vagina is a real “This is my bottom” moment in your life, where you think you need to clean up your act and go back to school and get back on track.

But on the plus side, pretending that you’re hooking up with a Muppet is pretty cool. I’d probably do it and do a silly voice. It’d kill the mood, I’m sure, but come on, how often am I going to get to play puppeteer with a person without acquiring a corpse and a whole lot of sturdy rope?

On Friday, Gabriella Cila, 11, of Chapel Hill, N.C., was assembling a female Muppet with an orange body, long blond hair, and a psychedelic ’60s-style outfit. She hesitated on the eyes. “I don’t know if I like those, because they don’t have have eyelids,” she said, pointing at one set. “And those are too wide,” she said, pointing at another.

[via]