A 68-year-old man was arrested for manufacturing imitation drugs after a witness alleged that the man traded the drugs for sex, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report.

A man told police that he recieved (sic) 10 mg Percocet pills from Paul Francis Miller, who had asked him for sex in exchange for the drugs, according to the report. The witness told law enforcement that he was also given imitation pills that were made to look like Percocet.

Miller, who is listed as disabled, told law enforcement that he had never given anyone his prescription meds, but admitted that he made imitation pills in his bathroom, the report said. It took him several tries to make pills that looked legitimate.

Miller said he makes a paste out of aspirin, caffeine tablets, a trace of Tylenol and calcium, according to the report. He sets up an indoor grill in his bathroom and creates a wax mold for the pills.

This is certainly not a “good” crime, but hey, an elderly man listed as disabled decided what he wanted in life and went after it. It’s irrelevant that what he wanted was druggy poontang, he still had a dream and did all he could to make it reality. This man is an American hero.

On the downside, of all the fake drugs you could make in exchange for sex, Percocet seems pretty low down the priority list. You’d pick up more drugged out ladies with a bottle of aspirin, Colt .45, and the “Requiem for a Dream” than that.

Police: man makes fake prescription pills, tries to trade them for sex [NWF Daily News]

Violet Bishop, 87, of Coeur d’Alene was tucked into bed with a box of Milk Duds, ready to watch “Dancing With the Stars,” when something went horribly wrong. In her words:

“As I enjoyed the chocolate and caramel taste, it appeared that one of my Milk Duds was not as fresh as the others. One was rather crunchy and I could not get it to soften up, no matter how hard I tried.”

The transplanted Texan was puzzled.

Finally, she removed the dud Dud from her mouth. She wanted to see what the problem was.

Apparently, as she had shifted into position on the bed, a hearing aid had fallen out of her ear and dropped right into the little box of candies.

[Oregonlive]

A 92-year-old New Hampshire woman has celebrated her birthday by skydiving from a plane at 13,000 feet.

Swanzey resident Jane Bockstruck tells The Keene Sentinel newspaper she doesn’t know what overcame her when she decided to take the parachute jump.

With a group of friends and relatives watching, Bockstruck leaped Sept. 19 at the Jumptown skydiving club in Orange, Mass., west of Boston. She says she doesn’t remember jumping from the plane.

But tandem partner and jump instructor Paul Peckham Jr. said, “She had perfect form and landed without a hitch.”

He says she’s the oldest person he’s taken on a jump. The second-oldest was 78.

[ClickOrlando]

A Wal-Mart shopper who became so angry about a crying child that he allegedly slapped the girl in the face is due in court Thursday morning, officials announced Wednesday.

A police report said the man, Roger Stephens, 61, of Stone Mountain, had warned the child’s mother, Sonya Mathews, that if she didn’t quiet down the child, he would do it for her.

According to the report, after the mother failed to quiet the girl, Stephens came up to them and slapped the child several times in the face.

The report then quotes Stephens as saying, “See, I told you I would shut her up.”

[via, thanks Carl for the tip!]

I don’t think I can trash him so bad; his outfit seems like something I might wear as a male in his mid 20s (if not in practicality, than at least in the abstract). But at the same time, I’m totally taken aback. I had no clue they allowed zombified corpses into Urban Outfitters. Which is really going to come in handy when the undead rise from the ground en masse. Their clothes are so tattered and smelly…talk about what not to wear! Fashion faux pas!

[via, as seen on]

Now in the cop’s defense, we have no clue what this old woman was doing. She may have been selling heroin to little kids, but you don’t see that because the cameraman (who may or may not be Michael J. Fox based upon his steady camerawork) is a part of the liberal media. And with retirement funds disappearing and the cost of living not getting any lower, can you blame her? Plus kids love heroin. If there’s a group of people who are way too upbeat and in need of the pensive soul searching heroin provides, it’s kids. I’m not saying we should force it on them. But they should have the option.

It’s unclear at this time whether this is better or worse than the old guys browsing porn at the library. On the plus side, it’s less likely there will be kids around reading Horton Hears A Who while his limp, old man love wand engorges at the rate of a comatose woman blowing up a balloon. But on the down side, the Genius Bar at the Apple Store will rarely give you a happy ending, no matter how much you insist that it’ll help your iPhone restoration process. I thought this company was supposed to be all about thinking outside the box.

In the evenings, Donna Munson liked to sit in front of her picture window and watch the bears amble toward her Ouray County log cabin for dinner.

The 74-year-old woman — who stocked her backyard with dog food, fruit and yogurt — was found dead outside her home Friday, being eaten by a bear.

It was still unknown Saturday whether a bear killed Munson or whether one or more animals consumed part of her body after her death. But people who knew her said she was an eccentric wildlife lover who had been feeding bears, elk, skunks and raccoons for years.

Munson, who rented half of her home in southwestern Colorado to several people over the years, told one of them that “when the time came, she wanted to go out with the bears.”

I used to read Winnie the Pooh a lot as a kid, mostly because I related to Christopher Robin since we had the same first name. But then I grew up thinking bears were cool, and all about honey and misadventures with their random animal pals. Yeah, turns out they’ll just eat your face, no matter how much you tell them they’re your best friend. Thanks, Asexual Chris.

And don’t get me started on the other types of bears out there. Once I was looking for something interesting to do on Craigslist and saw that there was going to be a party where it was going to be “Bears Having Fun.” Yeah…those bears, not quite the ones you see on Animal Planet. I was lucky to escape with my honeypot unsodomized.

[via]

A 53-year-old man who told police he is secretly engaged to marry Miley Cyrus has been charged with attempting to stalk the
teenage “Hannah Montana” star, who is filming a movie in Georgia.

Tybee Island Police Chief Jim Price said Wednesday that Mark
McLeod, 53, of Appling was arrested after Walt Disney Pictures
security officers reported he had returned to the beachside movie
set Sunday after police warned him to stay away in June.

“He was asking for Miley and going up and knocking on some
doors” of beach homes near the set, Price said. “The security
guards recognized him. In fact, he went up to the security guards
and asked them ‘Is Miley around?”‘

In March, the New York Daily news shot video of McLeod waiting
in line at a book-signing appearance by Cyrus in Manhattan. “Hold
me up. I’m a little bit nervous,” said McLeod, shivering in a heavy
coat and wool hat.

“It’s the first time I’ve ever, uh, actually been face to face
with her,” McLeod told the newspaper. “I talk to her a lot but it’s
kind of like I talk and she responds with pictures. It’s just the
way we communicate. I’m going to get her some flowers and I’m going
to ask her to marry me.”

I don’t want to generalize too much, but anyone who’ll wait in line for an autograph or a picture who isn’t under 15 years old probably has some sort of social defect. I just don’t get what meeting the celebrity du jour is going to do to really impact your life in any meaningful way. Wow, I smelled Miley Cyrus’s surprisingly odorous armpits, whoop dee doo, let’s throw a parade.

But yeah when you’re a 53 year-old guy and your fixation is some teenage pop star, I don’t think there’s a whole lot of hope for you. In fact, I’d be surprised there weren’t some young boys at a Hannah Montana concert who found their way to a watery grave because, hey Mark McLeod is a reasonable man…until you mess with his special lady who has no clue he exists except when he imagines photos talking to him. No poet could capture a love so beautiful.

[via]

A 93-year-old Illinois man says he is marrying his third-grade sweetheart after 85 years apart.

Roland “Mac” McKitrick, 93, of Arlington Heights, proposed to Lorraine Beatty, 92, of Georgia, Tuesday morning, about three years after they reconnected following an 85-year lull in their friendship, the Arlington Heights Daily Herald reported Thursday.

“She was my third-grade sweetheart back in 1921,” McKitrick said. “We knew each other for about one year. Then, for all practical purposes, we lost contact for 85 years.”

However, McKitrick said both he and Beatty had brothers living in Connecticut who became friends, and the two reunited through their brothers.

“I still picture her as my third-grade sweetheart. I’ve carried that in the back of my mind since that time,” McKitrick said. He said he still has a photograph of himself with Beatty taken when they were children.

I once had a torrid affair with a third grader. We didn’t have a whole lot in common, but we knew our feelings for one another were indescribable and beautiful. But the people around both of us weren’t okay with it, no sir. They said it was wrong and that it shouldn’t be right. But it wasn’t my fault that she had cooties and I had never been properly vaccinated for the disease. A love between 9 year-olds built off sharing Capri Sun just isn’t built to last.

HA! Bet you thought that was going to be a pedophile joke but then bang zoom I turn it upside down. Fucking third graders as an adult is just crazy! Especially without proper access to them.

[via]

A woman raking her yard this morning was attacked by a man who tried to rape her, prompting her to yell at him that she was an octogenarian, police said.

“I’m 80 years old, what’s wrong with you!” police said the woman yelled.

The suspect pushed the woman to the ground, removed her shorts and tried to have sex with her, said police spokesman Jimmie Flynt.

[via]

I think we’ve all been somewhat impacted by our early masturbatory experiences. Like when I first jerked off on the Internet and a friend was like, “Hey, check out this hot site lemonparty.org” and I was like,, “Cool!” Due to inertia, I wasn’t going to stop the jacking, mind you, but man did that really make a less desirable orgasm. To this day when I walk in on a room of men who look like Jack Lemmon making out and sucking each other off, I’m definitely more perturbed than I would be otherwise.

Granted, I don’t make many videos, but I’m finding there to be a couple gaps in logic here. So Martin is an older gentleman who rocks hard, as evidenced by his guitar and long rocker hair. I’m with that. But what’s with the ghost who appears at the end next to him, on the left? Did he murder that woman? Is this part of his rocker lifestyle? Because I’m not sure I can support that. Or maybe he makes his furniture from human bones and flesh, like the family in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. All I’m saying is that maybe this was an honest mistake…or maybe it was the most honest ad of all.

I’m dipping out early for the holiday so that’s all you get. I hope you have a happy Memorial Day, unless you’re planning on desecrating an army man’s corpse in which case, man, you are seriously missing the point of this holiday. See you guys on Tuesdayyyyy.

[via]

She was born in ‘84, and he was 84 — in more ways than one.

“It was amazing to wake up and hop on your jet and be in your house in Florida in two hours,” said Kristin Georgi, who became 84 Lumber magnate Joe Hardy’s third wife after a quickie Las Vegas wedding.
Less than five months later, the 84-year-old Hardy called the couple’s home life “intolerable” and divorced his then-22-year-old bride.

Georgi said the relationship began as a friendship — a very generous one, which included a Porsche as an Easter present to her. The next gift was a wedding ring.

“It wasn’t, like, very romantic or anything like that,” she said. “It was just, like, here, do you like this ring? And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and he was like, ‘It’s yours,’ and it was inscribed and all that.”

Not long after the divorce, Hardy was already being romantically linked to another 22-year-old — Dunbar’s Danielle Golden. At that time, Golden’s MySpace page quote was “The best things in life are free…the second best are EXPENSIVE” and her current mood was listed as “determined.”

[via]

See? Pranking old people is fun! Like when I worked at the senior care center and would often replace their heart medicine with candy coated Valentine’s hearts. We’d laugh and laugh. I assumed they were laughing too, but they were so old that it pained them so they had to grab their chests. And then they’d turn blue and I’d be like, “Omg you should so see your face now! You totally got PRANKED!” It’s called giving back, folks.

I’m having one of those Meaningful Birthdays soon, or at least, I think I am. Who the hell can remember, really? Anyway, here’s a list of things which were better in my day. Now, get the hell off my lawn.

10) Pre 9-11 air travel. Imagine a world where you didn’t have a brain-dead thieving rent-a-cop pawing through your crap for the incredible danger of a Swiss Army Knife or non-travel size fluid. Next, add in the sheer thrill of getting on the plane less than two hours after you got to the airport, or being able to leave your damn shoes on for the entire time like a grown-up. I won’t even get into the actual airlines, who seem to be undergoing some kind of experiment to see how much they can be detested before people show up with torches and pitchforks.

In other words, when flying wasn’t the single worst travel experience this side of traveling in the undercarriage of a bus, and a man could daydream of banging a first-class stewardess without being placed on a No Getting Through Security Without A No Lube Prostate Exam List. Sigh.

9) Pre-AIDS STDs. Oh, the horror of an itchy crotch or the need for penicillin. That’ll teach us all to not appreciate syphilis.

Sex in cars. Sure, there are plenty of oversized rides that let you get your rocks off without the clutch getting clutched. But for sheer access and range of motion, you are not beating a bench seat with no regard for gas mileage. Hell, I even remember when custom vans, which is to say, f*** trucks, were ownable for non-creeps.

7) Commercial interruptions. Wonder why MLB is unwatchable as anything but background while you do other stuff? Well, the extra 10 to 15 minutes of the same heavy rotation ads aren’t helping things, especially in a nationally televised games. Plus, there were conversations that weren’t sponsored, no digitally superimposed ads behind home plate, and charmingly inept performances by the players when they were the ad whores. OK, at least that last one didn’t change.

6) Fatsos. Before the steroid and metrosexual revolutions, there were any number of big fat tubs of goo drawing paychecks in major league sports. Now, anyone who looks even a little bloated works the gym like an aging trophy wife, and the gap between Them and Us just gets wider. Besides, when everyone is in shape, it really takes the starch out of the next entry…

5) Heckling. Back when people went to games because they cared who won or lost, rather than who could see you in the good seats, riding an opposing star for his simple unfortunate laundry was a great and simple pleasure. Now, with top athletes on the level of small corporate brands and the hyper-vigilance of your fellow seat-warmers towards anything that might speak to a little unpleasantness, you’ve got a better chance of heckling a candidate for office (throw them shoes!).

This is not a positive situation, and one of the reasons why so many people take joy when an athlete gets arrested.

4) Nicknames. A single letter with an abbreviation of the last name? Please. Right up there with that Small Corporate Brand thing going on, nicknames today just plain suck. You should get one from teammates looking to take you down a peg, then learn to live with it with a grimace as it becomes clear that it has stuck. It should also speak to some personal failing, and in a pinch, spark a bench-clearing brawl or two. I’m not asking for much here.

3) Poker. I blame The World Wide Lemur and its corrosive effects on top pros who now see themselves as reality television stars in an ever-escalating game of The Biggest Asshat. We’re raising a generation of people who can only play hold’em, who react to suckout wins as if they were smart, and take a bad beat (or, more commonly, a lost coin flip) as if they were personal insults.

Please go get over yourselves, all of you Hellmuthian nightmares. The rest of us just want to play some cards, rather than worry if you are on one of your heavy flow days.

2) Prices. Even when you factor for inflation, highway robbery doesn’t begin to describe it; highway rape-pillage-burn is more like it. Any establishment that confiscates food and drink so that it can have a monopoly on a captive audience is basically committing an act of economic warfare: it deserves whatever retribution it gets.

1) Fans. It’s not even close. From the bad split allegiance of fantasy leagues to the pay any price and have your servant applaud for you scumbags in the good seats, to the overwhelming growth of Rude Road Fan — seriously, why doesn’t Yankee or Red Sox Fan just move to Baltimore and see more games than they can afford in their home market? It’s not like these are road games for them anymore — well, the people in the stands have *always* kind of sucked. Now, we can see exactly when and how much with games on satellite and cable, and YouTube to fill in the blanks. I have met the enemy, and he is you. Toodles!

In fairness, the elderly woman kind of had it coming. Maybe she shouldn’t be shopping so slowly and blocking my way so I can’t get my foooooood on. These Snickers and Funyons aren’t going to buy themselves, cobweb vagina.

Anyway, let this be a lesson: Feeding Grandma several dozen heavy duty magnets is probably not the best idea if you want her to live to see her next birthday. However if you want to cash in on your inheritance really quickly, maybe you need to feed her slightly more heavy duty magnets. A delicate balance, for sure.

12) Throwing underhand at helmetless heads to actually kill your opponent

11) Referring to a wild relief pitcher as “An Irishman At Noon”

10) The third base coach signaling for a sacrifice bunt by simulating oral sex

9) Irish, Jewish and Italian dominance

The winning team in the World Series receiving a week of amnesty from rape arrests

7) Shovel tosses to the second baseman or shortstop being called “the Masonic surprise”

6) Double play balls referred to as “twin lynchings”

5) Sideshow freaks and lunatics employed as good luck charms

4) Commercial sponsorship from the gamblers and players who were throwing the game

3) The second inning ball scratch, fourth inning ass wiggle, sixth inning secret fart and post-game territory mark (they still do the latter at Wrigley)

2) Chewing opium

1) Singing “Take Thy Personage To The Baseballery Conflict”

10. Traveling in basketball. You get the feeling that as soon as he invented the game, James Naismith started bitching about how the players weren’t dribbling enough.

9. Defensive pass interference. The rules may change, but the whining does not. Oh, and your opinion is entirely dependent on your view of the laundry, of course.

8. Tattoos on players. Don’t they realize that this makes them unfit for burial in a strict Jewish cemetery?

7. Concession prices. If the beer that you are crying into is too expensive, there’s always the option of staying home. (Or losing a leg and filling up your prosthetic with booze. That’s what Raider Fan does.)

6. Cheating. Just because steroids, HGH, Lasix and more exist now, doesn’t mean that amphetamines and narcotics weren’t used before, or that the old-timers weren’t stealing signs, fixing games or sending hookers over the night before a game. There’s nothing new under the sun.

5. ESPN. Just because it has been going downhill for decades doesn’t mean that pointing it out isn’t tiresome.

4. Fantasy sports. Just accept that it’s a form of gambling that you don’t understand or appreciate, and move on. It’s really not the end of the world, or any threat to just watching to see which team wins.

3. Statistics. Hey, you know what’s great to hear? People who are ignorant of how something works getting self-righteous about it. Have at it, old man.

2. Ticket prices. Why, when I was a kid, you could go to a game and make money, because the players would take pity on you and just give you money. And ham. Lots of ham.

1. Player salaries. Just because something is indefensible and insane, especially in a down economy, doesn’t mean your same old take on it deserves attention.

This girl’s boobs say what we’re all thinking

Maureen Trickett, an event organizer for 8minuteDating.com, had an idea based on all the hype surrounding younger men dating older women. She decided last year to plan an event specifically for that demographic – a night of speed dating for women-of-a-certain-age and the boyish men who love them.

“I need eight men,” Trickett explained. “If I don’t get eight, the system cancels the event.”

Trickett decided it was worth a second try. She set up another speed dating event for a recent Sunday afternoon at Tommy Doyle’s in Kendall Square, this time for older women and younger men, as well as older men and younger women. The room would be split in half – age-inappropriate on both sides.

But again she had a shortage of younger men. The “cougar event,” as Trickett was calling it, was canceled.

The older men/younger women event went on as planned, but only because Trickett waived the fee for a few women so that they’d sign up and the numbers would be even.

Despite what magazines and tabloids might suggest, Trickett said, despite all the talk of cougar culture, men still want to date younger women, and older women . . . well, their options are limited.

I hate how the media takes a trend and runs with it like it’s fact so KUDOS to the Boston Globe for getting some proof that nobody really WANTS old women. You know why young men f old ladies at bars? Because they’re desperate and drunk. Most guys would f a juicer by the time last call comes around, so your haggardly ass is a f’ing vacation by comparison. No young man wants to date an old lady and be seen in public and hear things like, “Oh, your mom seems nice.”

Here’s a plan for you, older women. Act age appropriate. Date a banker or some guy who wears a shirt and says things like, “I find that Life on Mars show to be utterly compelling” or “My 401k is robust and diversified” and stay away from me. Every time I’ve fed an older woman I feel like I raped myself with her vagina.

[whole lot more at the source article]