<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> <rss version="2.0" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:wfw="http://wellformedweb.org/CommentAPI/" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xmlns:sy="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/syndication/" xmlns:slash="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/slash/" xmlns:itunes="http://www.itunes.com/dtds/podcast-1.0.dtd" xmlns:media="http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/" ><channel><title>Guyism &#187; Pizza</title> <atom:link href="http://guyism.com/tag/pizza/feed" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" /><link>http://guyism.com</link> <description>What guys need.</description> <lastBuildDate>Fri, 19 Mar 2010 12:00:11 +0000</lastBuildDate> <generator>http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2</generator> <language>en</language> <sy:updatePeriod>hourly</sy:updatePeriod> <sy:updateFrequency>1</sy:updateFrequency> <copyright>Copyright &#xA9; Guyism 2010 </copyright> <managingEditor>chris.spagnuolo@gmail.com (Guyism)</managingEditor> <webMaster>chris.spagnuolo@gmail.com (Guyism)</webMaster> <category>posts</category> <itunes:keywords></itunes:keywords> <itunes:subtitle></itunes:subtitle> <itunes:summary>What guys need.</itunes:summary> <itunes:author>Guyism</itunes:author> <itunes:category text="Society &amp; Culture"/> <itunes:owner> <itunes:name>Guyism</itunes:name> <itunes:email>chris.spagnuolo@gmail.com</itunes:email> </itunes:owner> <itunes:block>No</itunes:block> <itunes:explicit>no</itunes:explicit> <itunes:image href="http://guyism.com/wp-content/plugins/podpress/images/powered_by_podpress_large.jpg" /> <image> <url>http://guyism.com/wp-content/plugins/podpress/images/powered_by_podpress.jpg</url><title>Guyism</title><link>http://guyism.com</link> <width>144</width> <height>144</height> </image> <item><title>Quote of the Day</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/09/quote-of-the-day-234.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/09/quote-of-the-day-234.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:30:06 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[quotes]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Man flashes pizza delivery girl]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[QOTD]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=11414</guid> <description><![CDATA[Everyone always dreams of having sex with a hot pizza delivery girl while eating delicious pizza.  This guy didn&#8217;t achieve that, but he did get to show the pizza delivery girl his dong multiple times.  So many times that the cops had to be called.  I think you call that a moral [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Everyone always dreams of having sex with a hot pizza delivery girl while eating delicious pizza.  This guy didn&#8217;t achieve that, but he did get to show the pizza delivery girl his dong multiple times.  So many times that the cops had to be called.  I think you call that a moral victory.<br /> <span id="more-11414"></span></p><blockquote><p>A female pizza delivery worker got more than she bargained for on multiple occasions when she went to deliver food and was met at the door by a man wearing no pants.</p><p>Portsmouth Police Lt. Rodney McQuate said the woman delivering the pizza notified police of the man&#8217;s actions after it took place four different times.</p><p>&#8220;She would go to the address and the guy comes to the door wearing no pants,&#8221; McQuate said.</p><p>The lieutenant said the man would be completely naked from the waist down.</p><p>&#8220;We went and talked to the guy and they aren&#8217;t getting any more pizza delivered there,&#8221; McQuate said.</p></blockquote><p>[<a target="_blank" href="http://www.fosters.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090929/GJNEWS_01/709299921/-1/FOSNEWS" >Fosters</a>]</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/09/quote-of-the-day-234.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>Katy Perry has odd eating habits</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/06/katy-perry-has-odd-eating-habits.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/06/katy-perry-has-odd-eating-habits.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:05:48 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[weird news]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Celebrity]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Delicious foods]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Food]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Girls I Would Copulate With]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Katy Perry]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Music]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[WTF]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=9438</guid> <description><![CDATA[Katy Perry is a long-time favorite here but this photo she posted on Twitter is, well, confusing.I like pizza.  I also love nude Katy Perry.  I even like room service in my hotel room.  But this photo just kind of freaks me out.  It&#8217;s kind of hedonistic, but it&#8217;s not because [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Katy Perry is a <a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/2009/02/09/i-want-to-run-away-to-a-tropical-island-with-katy-perry" >long-time favorite here</a> but this photo she <a target="_blank" href="http://twitter.com/katyperry/status/2313951805" >posted on Twitter</a> is, well, confusing.</p><p><span id="more-9438"></span><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=13936710.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/13936710-540x405.jpg" alt="13936710" title="13936710" width="540" height="405" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-9439" /></a></center></p><p>I like pizza.  I also love nude Katy Perry.  I even like room service in my hotel room.  But this photo just kind of freaks me out.  It&#8217;s kind of hedonistic, but it&#8217;s not because the pizza looks terrible and the bathtub looks about as luxurious as getting a sensual massage from a tiger.</p><p>If Katy Perry wants to make an object of herself on Twitter, then that&#8217;s fine.  But what about the poor pizza?  It doesn&#8217;t know any better, yet here it is naked as the day it was baked on the Internet for the world to see.  What if the pizza&#8217;s family sees this photo?  Katy Perry, you&#8217;re just a selfish woman.  Whom I&#8217;d like to motorboat.  It won&#8217;t fix your thoughtless ways, but it will help jumpstart the healing process.</p><p>[<a target="_blank" href="http://www.popeater.com/music/article/katy-perry-posts-bath-pizza-photos/543277" >via</a>]</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/06/katy-perry-has-odd-eating-habits.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>Pizza man rescues woman from rapey abductor</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/05/pizza-man-rescues-women-from-rapey-abductor.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/05/pizza-man-rescues-women-from-rapey-abductor.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Fri, 29 May 2009 16:45:59 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[weird news]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Crime]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Heroism]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Kidnapping]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[WTF]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=9075</guid> <description><![CDATA[In a scenario straight out of a mediocre movie starring Kristen Bell as a woman in over her head with a scary man, some Atlanta woman got abducted by a guy she knew at work, only to be rescued by a pizza man.A Snellville man was arrested on suspicion of abducting an Atlanta woman and [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In a scenario straight out of a mediocre movie starring Kristen Bell as a woman in over her head with a scary man, some Atlanta woman got abducted by a guy she knew at work, only to be rescued by a pizza man.</p><p><span id="more-9075"></span><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=0555473800.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/0555473800.jpg" alt="0555473800" title="0555473800" width="350" height="240" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-9076" /></a></center></p><blockquote><p>A Snellville man was arrested on suspicion of abducting an Atlanta woman and driving her to Sevier County, Tenn., where the alleged victim told authorities she was raped.</p><p>Sevier County Sheriff Ron Seals said 46-year-old David Jansen abducted the 24-year-old woman while she was jogging in her Atlanta neighborhood on Tuesday.</p><p>Seals said Jansen tied the victim to the seat of a rental car and drove her across state lines to a rental cabin in a remote area.</p><p>Authorities said when Jansen ordered a pizza at the cabin, deliveryman Chris Turner saw the victim lying on a couch bound by ropes.</p><p>The victim mouthed to the deliveryman to call 911. Turner left and alerted authorities to what he had witnessed.</p></blockquote><p>I think Pizza Hut just found its newest ad campaign!  Who wouldn&#8217;t order a pizza if were delivered by a team of rape-stopping superheroes?  You&#8217;d pretty much have to be Hitler or lactose intolerant to justify that (they&#8217;re pretty much equivalent).</p><p>Ironically, I went to deliver a rape to someone and instead found a woman bound and forced to eat pizza.  Small world!</p><p>[<a target="_blank" href="http://www.wsbtv.com/news/19596130/detail.html" >via</a>]</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/05/pizza-man-rescues-women-from-rapey-abductor.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>2</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>Domino&#039;s is sorry for those assholes</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/04/dominos-is-sorry-for-those-assholes.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/04/dominos-is-sorry-for-those-assholes.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:05:44 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[videos]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Business]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Delicious foods]]></category> <category><![CDATA[dominos]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Food]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[weird news]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=8418</guid> <description><![CDATA[By now you have to have seen the video of two Domino&#8217;s employees doing all sorts of awful things to food.  And apparently, those two have now been arrested.  So Domino&#8217;s has issued an apology that kind of made me laugh and I&#8217;m not sure why.I know you&#8217;re the President and this is [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>By now you have to have seen the video of <a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/2009/04/14/dominos-seems-delicious" >two Domino&#8217;s employees doing all sorts of awful things to food</a>.  And apparently, those two <a target="_blank" href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/ries/dominos-employees-mug-shots-6y" >have now been arrested</a>.  So Domino&#8217;s has issued an apology that kind of made me laugh and I&#8217;m not sure why.</p><p><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/7l6AJ49xNSQ&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/7l6AJ49xNSQ&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center></p><p>I know you&#8217;re the President and this is your business and whatever.  But it seems kind of silly to get so worked up over the &#8220;hard work&#8221; of 125,000 people who&#8230;are making magical combinations of bread, cheese, and sauce and ultimately contributing to the fatlaziness of millions of Americans each day like they&#8217;re out curing cancer or ending world hunger.  Don&#8217;t get me wrong, I love cheesy bread as much as the next guy, but if my passion in life were teenage assholes and their Heatwave bags, I&#8217;d probably want to stab myself in the eye with a breadstick.</p><p>Also what if I ordered farts on my salami or boogers on my cheese?  Where am I supposed to get my contaminated deliciousness now?  Not Domino&#8217;s, apparently.  So I guess this is where my highly successful run of pizza fetish videos meets its untimely end.</p><p>[<a target="_blank" href="http://www.celebridiot.com" >via</a>]</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/04/dominos-is-sorry-for-those-assholes.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>1</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>Domino&#039;s seems delicious</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/04/dominos-seems-delicious.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/04/dominos-seems-delicious.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:09:31 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[videos]]></category> <category><![CDATA[dominos]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Food]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Gross things]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[weird news]]></category> <category><![CDATA[WTF]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=8328</guid> <description><![CDATA[People working in fast food restaurants are pretty much the scourge of the Earth, regardless of what those McDonald&#8217;s training videos tell you.  For further proof, take a look at this lovely video of Domino&#8217;s employees making Domino&#8217;s new HOT BAKED SANDWICHES! [media id=15] Domino&#8217;s is an occasional advertiser on this site but, as a respectable [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>People working in fast food restaurants are pretty much the scourge of the Earth, regardless of what those McDonald&#8217;s training videos tell you.  For further proof, take a look at this lovely video of Domino&#8217;s employees making Domino&#8217;s new HOT BAKED SANDWICHES!</p><p><center>[media id=15]</center></p><p>Domino&#8217;s is an occasional advertiser on this site but, as a respectable journalist, I have to present the news to you in a timely fashion (usually coupled with a date rape or bigoted joke, just like CNN).  This is pretty heinous and, if this is what they&#8217;re filming, I&#8217;m imagining that a Mediterranean sandwich full of pubes or a honey ham sandwich that literally got gangbanged isn&#8217;t too far behind off-camera.  It takes a special kind of idiot to do these things to innocent people&#8217;s food just because you&#8217;re not smart enough to do something else with your life.  Unless this somehow makes the sandwich more delicious, in which case, I&#8217;m not entirely sure why my food always tastes so bad.</p><p>On the other hand, it sounds like this is the South.  It might be a delicacy to have someone farting on your salami.  Who knows?  When it&#8217;s socially acceptable to read Tori Spelling&#8217;s autobiography, I&#8217;m pretty sure anything goes.</p><p><em>UPDATE: Apparently there are even more videos of these idiots doing crap to Domino&#8217;s food.  Some more added after the jump.</em></p><p><span id="more-8328"></span><center><object width="450" height="370"><param name="movie" value="http://www.liveleak.com/e/b73_1239778209"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.liveleak.com/e/b73_1239778209" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="450" height="370"></embed></object></center></p><p>There are three others <a target="_blank" href="http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=b73_1239778209" >over at LiveLeak</a> (aren&#8217;t embeddable for some reason but click on the menu on the top right).</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/04/dominos-seems-delicious.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>15</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>Reminder: The 80s sucked worse than you recall</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/03/reminder-the-80s-sucked-worse-than-you-recall.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/03/reminder-the-80s-sucked-worse-than-you-recall.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Mon, 16 Mar 2009 20:34:43 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[videos]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Entertainment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Hip hop]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Movies]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[The 80s]]></category> <category><![CDATA[WTF]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=7884</guid> <description><![CDATA[I mentioned this recently but it bears repeating&#8230;people have this sort of wistful look at the 80s like it was good.  All it really gave us was AIDS and Muppets.  For example, check out this awful scene from the movie Teen Witch.It really brings to mind that being &#8220;cool&#8221; is totally a subjective [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>I mentioned this recently but it bears repeating&#8230;people have this sort of wistful look at the 80s like it was good.  All it really gave us was AIDS and Muppets.  For example, check out this awful scene from the movie Teen Witch.</p><p><center><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zQ00laVt62c&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zQ00laVt62c&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object></center></p><p>It really brings to mind that being &#8220;cool&#8221; is totally a subjective thing.  While anyone watching this would think, &#8220;Wow, what a douche,&#8221; this poor little retarded girl not only wants to f him, but also be like him.  So does that make him cool, that this one girl is so infatuated with what he has to offer, in spite of himself?  The answer: No.  This little retarded girl would clearly f a guy in a Chuck E. Cheese costume if he had a boombox and a flat-top wig on.  Not that we all wouldn&#8217;t, mind you, I&#8217;m just saying.  Something about a rat that reminds you of Kid and/or Play who can also provide you with free pizza is a real aphrodisiac.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/03/reminder-the-80s-sucked-worse-than-you-recall.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>2</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>Our prayers have been answered: Meet the Pizza Cone</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/02/our-prayers-have-been-answered-meet-the-pizza-cone.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/02/our-prayers-have-been-answered-meet-the-pizza-cone.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:47:29 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[weird news]]></category> <category><![CDATA[America]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Fatties gets no love]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Great ideas]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Things that depress me]]></category> <category><![CDATA[WTF]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=7606</guid> <description><![CDATA[An Indianapolis bakery is upping the ante on fattening foods and providing arguably the laziest development in fattiness yet.  Say hello to our new friend, the Pizza Cone.A group of investors and Italian inventors have handpicked a long-time Indianapolis bakery to help bring to the U.S. a newfangled food called Pizza Cone. Pizza Cone is [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>An Indianapolis bakery is upping the ante on <a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/2009/02/09/holy-epic-obesity...collection-of-fatty-food-concoctions" >fattening foods</a> and providing arguably the laziest development in fattiness yet.  Say hello to our new friend, the Pizza Cone.</p><p><span id="more-7606"></span><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=pizza_cone.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/pizza_cone.jpg" alt="pizza_cone" title="pizza_cone" width="500" height="375" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-7607" /></a></center></p><blockquote><p>A group of investors and Italian inventors have handpicked a long-time Indianapolis bakery to help bring to the U.S. a newfangled food called Pizza Cone.</p><p>Pizza Cone is exactly what it sounds like: A cone made of pizza dough stuffed with ingredients like cheese, pepperoni and pizza sauce and then eaten on the go like an ice cream cone.</p><p>Taylor&#8217;s Bakery, founded in 1913, has signed an agreement with Hilton Head, S.C.-based Pino Gelato to be the sole producer of the cone for all of North America.</p><p>The equipment arrived at Taylor&#8217;s a few weeks ago and production is set to begin in a month.</p><p>&#8220;Everyone thinks it&#8217;s going to be the next hula hoop,&#8221; said John Allen, who runs Taylor&#8217;s along with his two sons, Matt and Drew. &#8220;It&#8217;s been very secretive and under the radar.&#8221;</p></blockquote><p>Who is this &#8220;EVERYONE,&#8221; John Allen?  What fat diabetic man with an eye for trends wired your house with a speaker and pretended that he was a higher power telling you that it was your divine mission to provide America with a f&#8217;ing pizza that you can eat on the go?  And theoretically a slice and a half worth of pizza to go isn&#8217;t bad, but you know it won&#8217;t stop there.  The cones will eventually end up the size of a roadside cone and we&#8217;ll all eat them vigorously while hating ourselves the entire time.  It&#8217;s kind of ridiculous that with people poorer than ever, for the most part, we&#8217;re eating like we&#8217;re decadent hedonists being fanned by manservants.  But on the plus side, PIZZA&#8230;IN A CONE!  BUY BUY BUY HULA HOOP BUY BUY.</p><p>It also seems appropriate to throw in this SNL bit &#8220;Taco Town&#8221; here.  We&#8217;re not that far, people.  Whether that&#8217;s good or bad depends on whether you have fat covering your genitals like a Muslim woman, I suppose.</p><p><center><object width="512" height="296"><param name="movie" value="http://www.hulu.com/embed/umxmTijZLcnMhDPJjmYd5g"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.hulu.com/embed/umxmTijZLcnMhDPJjmYd5g" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowFullScreen="true"  width="512" height="296"></embed></object></center></p><p>[<a target="_blank" href="http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20090223/BIZ/902230303/1076/BIZ" >source</a>]</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/02/our-prayers-have-been-answered-meet-the-pizza-cone.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>13</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>UPDATED: Papa John&#039;s heart-shaped pizza is a lie</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/02/papa-johns-heart-shaped-pizza-is-a-lie.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/02/papa-johns-heart-shaped-pizza-is-a-lie.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Fri, 13 Feb 2009 20:02:02 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[weird news]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Advertising]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Business]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Valentine's Day]]></category> <category><![CDATA[WTF]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=7439</guid> <description><![CDATA[See below for an update on Papa John&#8217;s corporate honesty FAIL As I recently pointed out on my Twitter (you&#8217;re missing out if you&#8217;re not following me), Papa John&#8217;s is advertising a heart-shaped pizza for all the lovers out there who are too poor or fat to do anything nice for Valentine&#8217;s Day.  Turns out [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><em>See below for an update on Papa John&#8217;s corporate honesty FAIL</em></p><p>As I recently pointed out on my Twitter (you&#8217;re missing out <a target="_blank" href="http://twitter.com/blogofhilarity" >if you&#8217;re not following me</a>), Papa John&#8217;s is advertising a heart-shaped pizza for all the lovers out there who are too poor or fat to do anything nice for Valentine&#8217;s Day.  Turns out that, once again, pizza is just lying to you.</p><p><span id="more-7439"></span><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=badpizza.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/badpizza-540x405.jpg" alt="badpizza" title="badpizza" width="540" height="405" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-7440" /></a></center></p><p>Now that really doesn&#8217;t look like a heart to me.  In fact, it looks like they&#8217;re charging you the same price as a regular pizza for a &#8220;heart-shaped pizza&#8221; that basically is just a pizza missing a slice and looks vaguely like Pac Man vomiting.  Which is either the most brilliant or most soulless marketing endeavor either.  And isn&#8217;t that really what Valentine&#8217;s Day is all about?  Well, that and guilting your partner into trying anal for the first time.  Unless you&#8217;re a gay couple&#8230;then, well, I guess you already have it all.  Sniff.  Gay love&#8230;so beautiful.</p><p>[<a target="_blank" href="http://consumerist.com/5152896/papa-johns-love-pizza-is-a-lie" >image via</a>, <a target="_blank" href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/" >as seen on</a>]</p><p>UPDATE: Thank you to <a target="_blank" href="http://www.facebook.com/people/Ashley-Rumsey-Hamilton/12903732" >Papa John&#8217;s corporate employee Ashley Rumsey Hamilton</a> for <a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/2009/02/13/papa-johns-heart-shaped-pizza-is-a-lie#comment-8889" >pretending to be a Papa John&#8217;s consumer in my comments</a> and posting a link to an image of <a target="_blank" href="http://jeanettes.typepad.com/a_passion_for_scrapbookin/images/2008/02/14/pizza.jpg" >a perfect heart-shaped pizza</a>.  That&#8217;s totally cool to attempt to deceive potential consumers to make up for your sad attempt at making a heart pizza.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=commentfail.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/commentfail-540x246.jpg" alt="commentfail" title="commentfail" width="540" height="246" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-7445" /></a></center></p><p>As you can see above, Ashley&#8217;s IP address is coming from the corporate offices of Papa John&#8217;s, based out of Louisville, Kentucky.  Now I&#8217;m not a master detective in spite of my fancy hat and smoking pipe, but it seems as though Ashley may not be a completely disinterested party.</p><p>If you want to dispute the quality of the pizza, then fine.  But come on, let&#8217;s not try to pretend you&#8217;re not an employee of the stupid company I&#8217;m making fun of.  To all the marketers and PR people, if you&#8217;re going to attempt to leave a fake comment, at least use a proxy.  Or send me money and I&#8217;ll make believe your product is cool.  Either way.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/02/papa-johns-heart-shaped-pizza-is-a-lie.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>37</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>Porn dude wants to go to porn fair before jail</title><link>http://guyism.com/2009/01/porn-dude-wants-to-go-to-porn-fair-before-jail.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2009/01/porn-dude-wants-to-go-to-porn-fair-before-jail.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:10:01 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[weird news]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Crime]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Lawyers]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Porn]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=6778</guid> <description><![CDATA[Max Hardcore, known for his tastefully done porn films which include simulated rape, choking BJs and countless other activities which give odd gentlemen erections, is going to jail.  But first, he wants to attend the Adult Entertainment Expo.Oh SFW porn, you&#8217;re awesome Pornographer Paul F. Little, also known as Max Hardcore, has one last request [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Max Hardcore, known for his tastefully done porn films which include simulated rape, choking BJs and countless other activities which give odd gentlemen erections, is going to jail.  But first, he wants to attend the Adult Entertainment Expo.</p><p><span id="more-6778"></span><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=2299595422_15e0547e36.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/2299595422_15e0547e36.jpg" alt="2299595422_15e0547e36" title="2299595422_15e0547e36" width="500" height="417" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-6779" /></a><br /> <em>Oh SFW porn, you&#8217;re awesome</em></center></p><blockquote><p>Pornographer Paul F. Little, also known as Max Hardcore, has one last request before he ships off to prison this month after a jury convicted him of obscenity charges: He&#8217;d really like to attend the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas.</p><p>His attorneys say he needs to complete business deals at the expo to pay the $75,000 fine that Senior U.S. District Judge Susan Bucklew levied on his company, Max World Entertainment. Little is going away for 3 years and 10 months.</p></blockquote><p>I&#8217;m not a huge fan of censoring stuff that falls under the first amendment (if a man wants to watch another man make a woman vomit on his cock, well, isn&#8217;t that exactly what our forefathers had in mind?) but it seems kind of silly to tell a judge that.  Like, &#8220;Hey, you know that porn you hate?  Well, we want to sell some more so we can pay you!&#8221;  And if the judge says yes, what a fed up bit of business that is, meaning it&#8217;s totally okay to do the porn thing so long as the government is getting paid.</p><p>Porn can kind of f you up though.  I&#8217;m not ashamed to admit I&#8217;ve watched a lot in my lifetime, but it really distorts your reality.  Every time I try to blow the pizza man in exchange for the pizza, I just end up getting awkward stares, a bad taste in my mouth, and still having to pay for my pizza.  It&#8217;s not right, I tells ya.</p><p>[<a target="_blank" href="http://blogs.tampabay.com/breakingnews/2009/01/max-hardcore-wa.html" >source</a>]</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2009/01/porn-dude-wants-to-go-to-porn-fair-before-jail.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>1</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>FREE PIZZA IF LIONS WIN!</title><link>http://guyism.com/2008/12/free-pizza-if-lions-win.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2008/12/free-pizza-if-lions-win.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:26:00 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>A. Isaac</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[sports]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Detroit Lions]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://guyism.com/2008/12/free-pizza-if-lions-win.html</guid> <description><![CDATA[ They say the way to a man&#8217;s heart is through his stomach&#8230;..Well, if thats true that I would be full of love instead of being the normal SOB that I am. Shields Pizza of Michigan is doing all they can to help fans start rooting for the Lions again by offering them a free large pizza. That&#8217;s [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img src="http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn202/theworldofisaac/Chicks/147263539_63d276b342-1.jpg" /></p><p>They say the way to a man&#8217;s heart is through his stomach&#8230;..Well, if thats true that I would be full of love instead of being the normal SOB that I am.</p><p>Shields Pizza of Michigan is doing all they can to help fans start rooting for the Lions again <a target="_blank" href="http://www.freep.com/article/20081219/SPORTS01/81219069/1049/SPORTS01" >by offering them a free large pizza.</a></p><p>That&#8217;s right folks.  If the Lions somehow pull out a miraculous victory this Sunday, you can enjoy a fresh large pizza on the house.</p><p>Now all the Lions have to do is stop the best offense in the league.</p><p>And call me crazy here but I have a feeling that come Tuesday, my fat ass will be enjoying a Shields Pizza.</p><p>Win one for my stomach Lions.  Its the least you can do for all the agony you&#8217;ve put me through.</p><p><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >H/t:  WOI Contributor TimmyG</span></p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2008/12/free-pizza-if-lions-win.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>0</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>The 11 dumbest things cartoons have taught us</title><link>http://guyism.com/2008/10/the-11-dumbest-things-cartoons-have-taught-us.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2008/10/the-11-dumbest-things-cartoons-have-taught-us.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Thu, 16 Oct 2008 17:31:19 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[lists]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Bugs Bunny]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Cartoons]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Lists]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Ninja Turtles]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=5291</guid> <description><![CDATA[Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up.  So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren&#8217;t the best things for us to learn.Swimming in a pool of gold coins Sure, Scrooge McDuck always seemed to be having a ball when he&#8217;d dive [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up.  So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren&#8217;t the best things for us to learn.<br /> <span id="more-5291"></span><br /><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=scrooge-mcduck.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/scrooge-mcduck.jpg" alt="" title="scrooge-mcduck" width="400" height="316" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5300" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Swimming in a pool of gold coins</strong></p><p>Sure, Scrooge McDuck always seemed to be having a ball when he&#8217;d dive into his money pit and splash around.  He&#8217;d even take coins into his mouth and spit them back up.  Take a look:</p><p><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kBMFYYNB3Zg&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kBMFYYNB3Zg&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center></p><p>You know what&#8217;d happen if you dove headfirst into a pile of gold coins?  It wouldn&#8217;t be a dip in glorious excess, no sir.  You&#8217;d probably be paralyzed at best.  Or dead at worst.  No wonder the AIG braintrust ran the company so poorly&#8230;that&#8217;s probably what the executives did on all of their corporate retreats, leaving bits of brain matter leaking from their heads like a half-finished bowl of Jello.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=showimageaspx.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/showimageaspx.jpg" alt="" title="showimageaspx" width="411" height="438" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5309" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Abandoning your children</strong></p><p>Look at that photo of Dora the Explorer above&#8230;you know what you see up there other than Dora?  A ball, a drum, a baseball bat, even a freaking monkey.  You know what you don&#8217;t see? <strong>PARENTAL SUPERVISION</strong>.  And this is what happens:</p><p><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/vgMgLjMghuk&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/vgMgLjMghuk&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center></p><p>As much as I&#8217;d like to believe that I could just leave my kids behind and let them figure life out on their own, they&#8217;d probably end up in much more of a Lord of the Flies situation than they would a Dora the Explorer or Rugrats one.  In no situation is it okay for anyone to go, &#8220;Welp my little ethnic child, here&#8217;s a singing map and a bag full of crap&#8230;go explore!&#8221;   How the f do they even know that she&#8217;ll eat?  All I&#8217;m saying is that, if I had any say, I&#8217;d probably be feasting on some monkey brains within 10 minutes of being in the jungle.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=turtles3lk.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/turtles3lk.jpg" alt="" title="turtles3lk" width="300" height="180" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5301" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Eating pizza with random crap on it would be delicious</strong></p><p>The Ninja Turtles would always be eating pizza, which is bad enough for you healthwise.  But then they&#8217;d throw stuff like peanut butter, taco meat, butter, baby seal, I dunno&#8230;.human brains maybe&#8230;on there.  You know what&#8217;s good on pizza?  Like maybe 10 things on Earth.  Pizza places aren&#8217;t terrified of change or something, there&#8217;s just stuff that goes well on pizza and stuff that doesn&#8217;t.  Unfortunately, your car keys weren&#8217;t meant to go with sauce and mozzarella, Ninja Turtles.  And yes, I&#8217;m looking at you <a target="_blank" href="http://www.andiamnotlying.com/2007/using-mcdonalds-as-pizza-toppings-this-cannot-have-happened-above-the-mason-dixon-line/" >McDonald&#8217;s pizza</a>.</p><p><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fvwUJ7ZJzoU&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fvwUJ7ZJzoU&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center></p><p>The borderline junkie mentality to pizza wasn&#8217;t the best thing either.  Even in the cartoon that bit them in the ass, like when Shredder made a pizza place to capture them in the clip above.  Is it any wonder 90% of Ninja Turtles fans grew up to be heroin addicts according to a study I just fabricated 4 minutes ago?</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=cs1001-relp-its-the-green.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/cs1001-relp-its-the-green.jpg" alt="" title="cs1001-relp-its-the-green" width="400" height="338" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5305" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Sleeping in a haunted house with a talking dog</strong></p><p>I love animals with all my heart.  It&#8217;s my biggest weakness.  I also have a fondness for mystery (not really, but let&#8217;s pretend).  But I have no interest in bringing my dog with me, no matter how intelligent and able-to-speak he is.  And let&#8217;s be honest, your dog isn&#8217;t as smart as Scooby Doo.  Rather than unwittingly unmasking the villain of the moment, he&#8217;d probably end up crapting on the floor and licking his crotch while you and your friends get violently stabbed and raped.  Granted, that wouldn&#8217;t have made as fun of a cartoon, but still.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=whatsoperadoc.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/whatsoperadoc-540x402.jpg" alt="" title="whatsoperadoc" width="540" height="402" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5302" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Cross-dressing to seduce your enemies</strong></p><p>As much as I&#8217;d like to believe that putting on a Chiquita Banana hat, some lipstick, and throwing my self-respect out the window would allow me to completely control my archnemesis, it&#8217;s probably not the best idea.  Even if it works.  Unless that&#8217;s what you&#8217;re into.  In which case, I applaud both your strength in embracing that side of yourself so flamboyantly and also using it for the greater good.  Two birds, one stone.</p><p><center><embed style = "height:385px !important; width:480px !important;"  src="http://xml.truveo.com/eb/i/2574410558/a/58ef677afb89fc040e3dec6de7dd6c26/p/1" flashvars="id=2678807&#038;emailUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.yahoo.com%2Futil%2Fmail%3Fei%3DUTF-8%26vid%3D510816&#038;imUrl=http%253A%252F%252Fvideo.yahoo.com%252Fvideo%252Fplay%253Fei%253DUTF-8%2526vid%253D510816&#038;imTitle=Bugs%2BBunny%2Bin%2Bdrag%2Bpart%2B1&#038;searchUrl=http://video.yahoo.com/search/video?p=&#038;profileUrl=http://video.yahoo.com/video/profile?yid=&#038;creatorValue=dGdpcmxfbWFyeQ%3D%3D&#038;vid=510816" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width=" 425" height=" 350"></embed></center></p><p>I hate to break it to Bugs, but he&#8217;s also not that hot of a chick.  And he&#8217;s a different species than most of the people he tried to seduce.  I admire his courage but the execution leaves something to be desired.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=popolivelarge.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/popolivelarge.jpg" alt="" title="popolivelarge" width="378" height="500" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5303" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Picking an appropriate partner</strong></p><p>There&#8217;s a lot to like about Popeye.  He always tried to be good, he was kind of a rebel with his badass Navy tattoo, he ate vegetables (though sadly they provide much less superpowers than previously indicated).  But his choice in a girl left something to be desired.</p><p>Now Popeye&#8217;s no looker, so it&#8217;s not a huge deal that Olive Oyl is completely anorexic and kind of ugly, in fact.  But the real problem is that she&#8217;s always flirting with Bluto, pretending like he&#8217;s so big and bad, but then being nice to him.  No wonder Bluto drags her around like a caveman, she&#8217;s just so caught up in playing a victim and getting attention.  Meanwhile Popeye has to bust his ass and load up fully on performance enhancing drugs just to protect her from herself.  He&#8217;d have been better off trying to date Wimpy.  At least there&#8217;d be hamburgers involved.</p><p><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/NqGhIftKrno&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/NqGhIftKrno&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center></p><p><strong>Painting a hole in a wall and running through</strong></p><p>Cartoon characters have serious problems with understanding concepts like mass and density, which is fine because they&#8217;re adorable and make silly noises.  But there&#8217;s nothing more depressing than the notion of being a skilled enough painter, like Wile E Coyote in the clip above, that you can paint a tunnel on a wall that looks completely realistic, only to have your abilities thrown back in your face when the tunnel becomes real.</p><p>It&#8217;s sort of like the movie Weird Science.  Yeah, it was great and all when she first came to life, but then you have to listen to her nagging you about taking out the trash or starting a 529 plan for when you have kids and it&#8217;s just like, &#8220;Dammit, I&#8217;m too talented for my own good.&#8221;</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=cel7711.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/cel7711.jpg" alt="" title="cel7711" width="400" height="272" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5306" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Putting together a band with an animal and traveling the globe</strong></p><p>You don&#8217;t know how many times I&#8217;ve went up to a shark or a gigantic retarded purple ape expecting to find the next Jabberjaw or Grape Ape and instead finding myself violently assaulted and with significant chunks of my body bitten off and being chewed like Bazooka Joe bubblegum.  So yeah, needless to say, sharks&#8230;slightly less capable of playing drums than the cartoon would lead you to believe.</p><p><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZFcxPjw2f-g&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZFcxPjw2f-g&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center></p><p>On the plus side, after hearing Jabberjaw prattle on about completely idiotic things, you&#8217;ll prefer the relatively quiet hum of a shark eating your innards to watching 10 minutes of that show.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=tomandjerrywallpaper1024.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/tomandjerrywallpaper1024-540x405.jpg" alt="" title="tomandjerrywallpaper1024" width="540" height="405" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5307" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Letting a cat babysit your kids</strong></p><p>I&#8217;m all for making animals earn their keep; I make my cat teach Jazzercise classes during her free time to make up for all the Fancy Feast I have to feed her.  But maybe leaving Tom in charge of babysitting your child while he&#8217;s having complete out and out wars with some rodent roaming your house isn&#8217;t the best idea.  The child would probably get caught in sniper fire or something&#8230;who knows with the hatred these two had.</p><p><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/G64pYuQ_wbQ&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/G64pYuQ_wbQ&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center></p><p>Also, has the mother in the house ever heard of an exterminator?  Jerry is freaking running the place, eating cheese all the time.  He&#8217;s probably crapting all over the place too.  All I&#8217;m saying is that the mother in this place might not be the best example of how to raise a family.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=wile-e-coyote-cliff.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/wile-e-coyote-cliff.jpg" alt="" title="wile-e-coyote-cliff" width="320" height="240" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5308" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Running off of a cliff</strong></p><p>Wile E. Coyote gets screwed.  A lot.  One way in particular is the way that the Road Runner can run stop on a dime at the edge of a cliff.  Meanwhile, poor Wile E. is left dangling out there with enough time to manufacture a sign from scratch, hold it up, make a quiche, and probably think about all the things that have gone wrong in his life in spite of his complete genius.</p><p>And then he gets to dust himself off and get back in the game.  Only to lose again.  And again.  And again.  In fact, I bet that time floating in midair hanging off the cliff is one of the few peaceful moments in his life.  Like standing in the eye of the hurricane.  Or realizing that you forgot a condom when sleeping with that stripper.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=elmer_fudd_a_wild_hare.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/elmer_fudd_a_wild_hare.jpg" alt="" title="elmer_fudd_a_wild_hare" width="223" height="250" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-5299" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Approaching and understanding shotguns</strong></p><p>Bugs Bunny is adorable and all that, but his policies towards shotguns were silly at best.  Pro tip: When someone points a shotgun at you, you shouldn&#8217;t just make a slick face.  You should probably run the f away or cry or offer sexual favors in exchange for your life.  Do not attempt to A) Bend the shotgun, B) Shove a carrot into the hole of the shotgun, or C) Take the shotgun blast to the head and expect that you&#8217;ll just end up with a blackened face and a sense of embarrassment.</p><p>Also, changing a sign to say that it is not Rabbit Season when, in fact, it is will not change the laws and guidelines defined by local and federal governments.  You Commie, you.</p><p>&#8212;</p><p><em>If you like this, you might like <a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/2008/09/23/9-wholly-unnecessary-licensed-childrens-products" >9 wholly unnecessary children&#8217;s products</a> or <a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/2008/10/06/the-7-least-trustworthy-food-mascots" >the 7 least trustworthy food mascots</a>.  What bad lessons did you learn from a cartoon?  Leave it in the comments.</em></p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2008/10/the-11-dumbest-things-cartoons-have-taught-us.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>10</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>The 9 most eerily cultlike kids shows</title><link>http://guyism.com/2008/09/the-9-most-eerily-cultlike-kids-shows.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2008/09/the-9-most-eerily-cultlike-kids-shows.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:47:42 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[lists]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Entertainment]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Kids!]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Lists]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Ninja Turtles]]></category> <category><![CDATA[PBS]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Sarah Palin]]></category> <category><![CDATA[TV]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=3414</guid> <description><![CDATA[These days, children&#8217;s TV doesn&#8217;t take many chances.  Shows are so concerned with being boycotted or sued that you get stuff like Dora the Explorer hanging out with a talking map cleverly named &#8220;Map&#8221;.  But it hasn&#8217;t always been that way.  Check out these shows and some of the creepy cultlike premises [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>These days, children&#8217;s TV doesn&#8217;t take many chances.  Shows are so concerned with being boycotted or sued that you get stuff like Dora the Explorer hanging out with a talking map cleverly named &#8220;Map&#8221;.  But it hasn&#8217;t always been that way.  Check out these shows and some of the creepy cultlike premises they were based on.<br /> <span id="more-3414"></span><br /><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=fragglerock.gif" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/fragglerock.gif" alt="" title="fragglerock" width="428" height="276" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3417" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Fraggle Rock<br /> Aired: HBO, 1983-87<br /> Cult interests: Elaborate musical performances, living like Al Qaeda</strong></p><p>The Fraggles were an odd group, held together by a dreamy, guitar-playing leader named Gobo.  He was usually pretty even-tempered, presumably excluding the times he played Wonderwall for Fragglegals Red and Mokey in an effort to coerce them into &#8220;dream sharing&#8221; together (you see, Fraggles could share a common dream by laying together with heads touching as they go to sleep).  And they were a cohesive unit, other than Wembley, the &#8220;out there&#8221; Fraggle.  In this clip, he&#8217;s daring to fly.</p><p><center><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" width="425" height="344" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="src" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9dkLDZq3SIc&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9dkLDZq3SIc&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></center></p><p>Look at the way the Fraggles seem disgusted by how Wembley dares to be different or unconventional.  So dismissive they are.  Then again, when your cultish cohesion leads to beautifully performed numbers like the Fraggle Rock theme, I guess that&#8217;s a sacrifice you can afford to make.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=tmnt1987series.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/tmnt1987series-540x432.jpg" alt="" title="tmnt1987series" width="540" height="432" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3418" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles<br /> Aired: Syndicated/CBS, 1987-1996<br /> Cult interests: Weapons training, cross-promotional ventures on everything from bath bubbles to pies with green goo in them</strong></p><p>A group of immature, driftless mutant turtles are held together by two things: the rigid structure of martial arts and Splinter, their mutant rat father figure (who was basically just a random dude with no real relevance to their lives).  Even their theme has an odd brainwashed type of repetition to it.</p><p><center><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" width="425" height="344" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="src" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qI0FbYe3lRE&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qI0FbYe3lRE&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></center></p><p>Donatello could have been a great scientist.  Leonardo could have been the first Turtle-American nominee for President.  Raphael could have been a famous personality.  Michaelangelo&#8230;was kind of a retard, but he&#8217;d have figured it out.  They all could have done great things, but instead they were living in a sewer, eating pizza with weird crap like peanut butter and polar bear entrails on it, being forced basically into slave heroism, and hoping that April O&#8217;Neil would through them a pity boning.</p><p>On the plus side, Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince was the voice of Shredder in the original cartoon.  Man, you learn all kinds of crazy things on the Internet.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=original-group.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/original-group-540x230.jpg" alt="" title="original-group" width="540" height="230" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3419" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Power Rangers<br /> Aired: FOX, ABC, Disney, ABC Family, Disney again&#8230;1993-wow this thing is still going<br /> Cult interests: Robots saying &#8220;ay yay yay&#8221;, bad voice dubbing</strong></p><p>This is an odd one because, of all these shows on the list, the kids who made up the original Power Rangers were the most normal.  They were good looking, athletic, charismatic, intelligent.  But the siren song of controlling giant robots and listening to a talking floating head and his robot domestic partner was too much of a lure to keep these kids on the straight and narrow.  I mean look at Zordon, the floating talking head in question, in his glory in this oddly enrapturing clip below.</p><p><center><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" width="425" height="344" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="src" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cIwrCRJTQKg&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cIwrCRJTQKg&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></center></p><p>Look at him, all floaty.  Dreamlike.  Who wouldn&#8217;t be sucked into that?  Plus I&#8217;d get to learn kickass martial arts and drive around a badass robot (or a frog if you&#8217;re the black dude).  Huh, you know, other than the always being on call and constantly having to explain to your parents why you smell like sparks and oversized monster, seems like a sweet deal.  You have to wonder though what the Rangers&#8217; Angel Grove was like before all this.  Were the monsters just integrated in society?  What was Zordon up to?  I&#8217;m going to guess a lot of daytime TV.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=captainplanet6.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/captainplanet6.jpg" alt="" title="captainplanet6" width="300" height="313" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3420" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Captain Planet<br /> Aired: TBS, 1990-96<br /> Cult interests: Being green, multicultural &#8220;love-ins&#8221;</strong></p><p>The lives of five seemingly incredibly different kids are brought together by one purpose, to serve a mulleted blue guy and some wacky fairy lady who only appears to them in visions.  The show breeds contempt for society in the form of the constant attacks on industrialism (&#8220;Stop polluting, wah wah,&#8221; said Captain Planet while putting on his Maxi pad) and regularly has characters coming across some bizarre hallucinations, including a race of mouse people with odd sideburns.</p><p><center><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" width="425" height="344" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="src" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/HPQUpVuLwI0&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/HPQUpVuLwI0&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></center></p><p>The Planeteers are unified by the powers granted to them as a result of their symbiotic relationship.  There&#8217;s no independence.  In fact, in every episode one of the characters gets frustrated with being a part of this little multicultural creep factory, they end up getting into massive problems and have to beg their way back into the group.  But Captain Planet probably isn&#8217;t the cult leader.  He&#8217;s just a pawn for that invisible sex pot Gaia.  Come on, what cult is kept together by love of the planet alone?</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=afraidofthedark01.gif" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/afraidofthedark01.gif" alt="" title="afraidofthedark01" width="293" height="350" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3421" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Are You Afraid of the Dark?<br /> Aired: Nickelodeon, 1990-2000<br /> Cult interests: Avoiding reality, buying new underpants</strong></p><p>What do you do when you&#8217;re a child who doesn&#8217;t quite fit in?  You seek a familial bond that you can&#8217;t find at home or at school.  Such is the case of the Midnight Society, a group of pubescent kids who go into a forest every weekend and DON&#8217;T drink or hook up.  While that might be better than the alternative theoretically, it&#8217;s pretty unhealthy.</p><p>These kids don&#8217;t really have anything common.  They&#8217;re not pals.  The only reason they stick together is because they terrify each other, gripping irrationally to absurd situations as a means of escaping their tortured reality of abusive families and torturous exclusion.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=elisha-cuthbert-posters.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/elisha-cuthbert-posters-540x679.jpg" alt="" title="elisha-cuthbert-posters" width="540" height="679" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3422" /></a></center></p><p>Except for Elisha Cuthbert, who appeared at the end of the show&#8217;s run.  She was cool.  She was probably just a spy for the government checking in on these freaks to see what&#8217;s up.  Don&#8217;t lump her in with these other wads.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=smurfs-village-after.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/smurfs-village-after.jpg" alt="" title="smurfs-village-after" width="432" height="289" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3423" /></a></center></p><p><strong>The Smurfs<br /> Aired: Syndicated, 1981-89<br /> Cult interests: Etymology, Vladimir Lenin</strong></p><p>The Smurfs were all dressed the same with slight personality differences and every episode was based around the fundamental principle of one Smurf failing at life, turning to Papa Smurf for advice, and everything being okay.  Papa Smurf ruled these Smurfs with an iron thumb.  This clip below is unrelated but totally awesome&#8230;Smurf village is attacked by war in this UNICEF commercial.</p><p><center><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/7MAYrF1PDks&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/7MAYrF1PDks&#038;hl=en&#038;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></center></p><p>The comparisons of the Smurfs to communism have been made multiple times, but what about the comparisons of Papa Smurf to Jim Jones.  He has his own little agricultural community, he had a power over all those that followed him, he was the one with the distinguishable outfit.  But that would make Gargamel like <a target="_blank" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Ryan" >Leo Ryan</a>.  And I don&#8217;t <em>think</em> that Leo Ryan wanted to eat the Jonestown inhabitants in a delicious Jones pie, though I guess I could be wrong.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=snorks.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/snorks.jpg" alt="" title="snorks" width="435" height="326" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3424" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Snorks<br /> Aired: NBC, 1984-86<br /> Cult interests: Saving money on scuba equipment, sucking</strong></p><p>The Snorks was basically a bootleg version of the Smurfs in every way.  And if Papa Smurf was the Jim Jones of cartoon cult leaders, Snork &#8220;leader&#8221; Allstar Seaworthy was the Marshall Applewhite.  Only, unlike Papa Smurf, Allstar was out there trying to bed every Snork with an open Snorkhole.  And, judging by this episode in which Allstar is trying to date two girls at once, there were a lot of open Snorkholes to be found.</p><p><center><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" width="425" height="344" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="src" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PM5nC5zbILg&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PM5nC5zbILg&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></center></p><p>Yeah I&#8217;m not going to lie, I got like 3 minutes into the clip before I got sick of hearing the word Snork in every sentence.  It wasn&#8217;t even like it was a verbal crutch or a language tool like with the Smurfs.  They just tacked &#8220;snork&#8221; onto everything.  Snorkball, the movie Snorkbusters, snorkplans, third snorkmester snorkbortions, ugh.  I get it.  It&#8217;s just so much less charming.  It probably doesn&#8217;t help that they all seem to have pompous names; Wellington Wetworth, Samantha Waters, Allstar Seaworthy&#8230;it&#8217;s like Gossip Girl with little colorful people.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=powerpuff-girls.jpg" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/powerpuff-girls-540x405.jpg" alt="" title="powerpuff-girls" width="540" height="405" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3425" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Powerpuff Girls<br /> Aired: Cartoon Network, 1998-2005<br /> Cult interests: Keeping diaries, Sarah Palin</strong></p><p>They&#8217;re kind of adorable.  And they&#8217;re empowering for girls.  And their &#8220;dad&#8221; is kind of a boob who they run circles around, so maybe he&#8217;s not exactly David Koresh, but come on!  They were made in a lab solely to fight battles for Professor Utonium.  He&#8217;s too weak to control others so he just mixed some crap up in a blender and POW: Superhuman little adorable anime girls.  Just like real life.</p><p>Also, totally unrelated, but WTF was up with their main adversary being a superintelligent monkey?  Granted I&#8217;ve only seen the show here or there with my little cousins (regardless of the Powerpuff Girls&#8217; ubiquitous presence on my comforter), but while I can suspend disbelief enough to buy girls being created in a lab by a scientist NOT for the purpose of sex (Weird Science was a documentary), the monkey thing&#8230;bit much.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=teletubbies-happypreview.png" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/teletubbies-happypreview-540x337.png" alt="" title="teletubbies-happypreview" width="540" height="337" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-3426" /></a></center></p><p><strong>Teletubbies<br /> Aired: PBS, 1997-2001<br /> Cult interests: Staring contests, hanging out in meadows</strong></p><p>Just look at them, in the same outfits with different colors with the same lobotomized stares and inability to articulate themselves.  The Teletubbies, to put it lightly, &#8220;aren&#8217;t all there.&#8221;  The show wasn&#8217;t without its scrutiny, what with Tinky Winky being accused of being a twinky&#8230;winky.  But it&#8217;s just weird to watch.  Like they&#8217;re all lobotomized and with their stupid names and odd voices and kind of unhinged yet overly calm demeanors, it&#8217;s just all kind of disconcerting.  Check out the Teletubbies learning about holding hands:</p><p><center><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" width="425" height="344" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="src" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kiaLOzP1lCA&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" /><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kiaLOzP1lCA&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></center></p><p>Good thing they couldn&#8217;t really form sentences, otherwise the dialogue might have featured Po going, &#8220;That doesn&#8217;t feel like a hand, Tinky Winky.  Feels more like a finger!  But it&#8217;s all swollen!  Did you jam your finger?  Oh&#8230;oh no.  Oh no.&#8221;  Anyway, these monstrosities against humanity had weird names probably bestowed upon them by some &#8220;higher power&#8221;&#8230;my guess: the creepy narrator throwing his voice.  Listen to the way he talks.  He knows what they&#8217;re doing a little too well if you ask me.</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2008/09/the-9-most-eerily-cultlike-kids-shows.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>5</slash:comments> </item> <item><title>Prostitute trades her pimp for pizza</title><link>http://guyism.com/2008/06/prostitute-trades-her-pimp-for-pizza.html</link> <comments>http://guyism.com/2008/06/prostitute-trades-her-pimp-for-pizza.html#comments</comments> <pubDate>Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:43:47 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>Chris Spags</dc:creator> <category><![CDATA[weird news]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Pizza]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Prostitution]]></category> <category><![CDATA[Whorishness]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=2841</guid> <description><![CDATA[Via Fark comes this charming tale of classy people doing classy things.  A judge bought a whore a pizza to reveal her pimp to the court.When inmate Caressa Brunelle came before a judge Wednesday to be released, Brunelle reminded the judge she was owed a pizza. So, Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge Nadine Allen sent [...]]]></description> <content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Via <a target="_blank" href="http://www.fark.com" >Fark</a> comes this charming tale of classy people doing classy things.  A judge <a target="_blank" href="http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/AB/20080627/NEWS0107/806270366/" >bought a whore a pizza to reveal her pimp to the court</a>.</p><p><center><a target="_blank" href="http://blogofhilarity.com/wp-content/uploads/image2.php?image=pizza.gif" ><img src="http://cdn.guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/pizza.gif" alt="" title="pizza" width="430" height="411" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-2842" /></a></center></p><blockquote><p>When inmate Caressa Brunelle came before a judge Wednesday to be released, Brunelle reminded the judge she was owed a pizza.</p><p>So, Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge Nadine Allen sent someone to pick up a $5 personal pizza at the Downtown Donato&#8217;s and let Brunelle eat it in court.</p><p>The pizza was Brunelle&#8217;s reward for telling Allen who her pimp was, information Allen used to have the alleged pimp &#8211; Jason Lee &#8211; arrested.</p><p>&#8220;I felt that a pizza for a pimp was a good (trade),&#8221; the judge said Thursday.</p><p>&#8220;She was all ecstatic and she said, &#8216;Oh yeah, you owe me a pizza,&#8217; &#8221; Allen said.</p><p>Allen was pleased to pay up.</p><p>&#8220;I wish other prostitutes would come forward and reveal their pimps. Pizza is cheaper than what we pay for undercover (investigations). Of course, you understand I&#8217;m being facetious,&#8221; the judge said.</p></blockquote><p>The f?  A $5 personal pizza?  This dick couldn&#8217;t even spring for a full pie for this poor cum dumpster who lost the main man in her life?  And isn&#8217;t this illegal somehow?  He totally bribed her to get her to give up info.  That seems kind of messed up, even if the stakes are low and the pimp is a scumbag.  On the other hand, pizza is pretty delicious.  I had a lot of it last night.  AND I didn&#8217;t have to sell out the guy who made me suck dicks for money.  Point Chris!</p> ]]></content:encoded> <wfw:commentRss>http://guyism.com/2008/06/prostitute-trades-her-pimp-for-pizza.html/feed</wfw:commentRss> <slash:comments>1</slash:comments> </item> </channel> </rss>
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