So I don’t know what it says about me that I saw this ad and thought that at least 70% of the stuff that they were saying was “crap” looked entirely delicious. I mean seriously, if you ate by the letter of the law according to strictest health food fanatics, you could pretty much take bites out of your desk at work and get the same level of satisfaction.

I may be slightly biased though due to that muppet in the beginning selling Crap cereal. While I don’t love the name of the cereal since it doesn’t really connote deliciousness or magical leprechauns, I would follow that surly green muppet to the depths of hell. He could take a muppet dump on a plate (which I assume would be made of felt and perhaps be able to sing a song about friendship or the importance of eating vegetables) and I’d be like, “Yes sir, Mr. Muppet, I am on board with this.”

[Buzzfeed]

I get this is old and all, but how is this something that ropes readers in? If I were a kid seeing this, I’d probably go, “Oh cool, The Flash! Wait, why is he a puppet? Meh, time for me to get into hardcore pornography.” I don’t think that comes from a sexual attraction to puppets, but rather the puppets signaling the end of my youth due to how lame it is. Okay, perhaps a bit of a sexual attraction. You have to admit, there’s something very appealing to a mouth that can’t say no and opens via a well-placed string. It’s why Mute Becky the Mediocre Trapeze Artist was always the top attraction at the circus.

[thanks Carl for the tip]

The sad thing is that, while I can’t condone the Black Devil Doll’s actions, I can relate. Not only is he discriminated against for being black, he’s also got the discrimination coming his way because he’s a puppet. It’s so hard to be taken seriously as a peer when you’re eye to eye with everyone’s left testicle. I don’t think that means you need to beat up sexy nude women with a bat, but we all deal with problems in different ways. When life gives you lemons, sometimes you beat a whore in the face with a baseball bat and drink lemonade…I believe that’s how the parable goes.

[via]

I don’t know if this is going to lead into a joke, but I’ve been wanting a Muppet version of myself for a long time now. They make them at the FAO Schwartz location in NYC, but I haven’t had time time or followthrough to do it. I tried to convince my girlfriend that we should get matching Muppets and she said, “Yeah, we sure should,” but I think she was being patronizing and/or a dick. I think I’d just display the Muppet in the apartment. Though I think there would be some comedic value in my girlfriend coming home one day and finding me facef’ing her Muppet, then telling her that it’s not what it looks like.

Point being: There has been nothing in the world that couldn’t be enhanced by Muppets. You could probably reinstitute torture and, so long as it was done by Muppets, everyone would be thrilled.

[thanks Quikjo for the tip]

That was a pretty adorable little segment, wasn’t it? You know what’d make it even better? If Kermit had a severed human head in the box. Cookie Monster would be like, “What the f, Kermit? I thought this was a game.” And Kermit would be like, “This is a game, Cookie” (editor’s note: Or “Monster”…I’m not exactly sure what the friendly nickname for Cookie Monster would be). That’d be a twist no one saw coming. Especially if it was Jim Henson’s head and this was payback for all of his years of chaining the Muppets up and making them perform for you dirty children. All I’m saying is if you’re going to enslave a talking frog and a seemingly-transgendered pig and various sorts of shapeless monsters, all bets are off.

[via]

Man that’s awesome to see all sorts of puppets getting together and overcoming their differences. So what if I’m a puppet with a headdress and you’re allegedly a black puppet though you look kind of grayish (zombie perhaps?), we can all unite under our hatred for the Latino puppet. Oh, here he is. Um, yeah Jose, good to see you. Yeah, you can love Jesus too, I guess. Whatever. That guy’s still a dick. And I’m pretty sure he stole my puppet hubcaps.

[via]

A friend of mine fisted a girl the other week. That has tangential relevance to the comic but, more than anything, I just wanted to put that sentence out there to the world. I don’t see the appeal in it. I mean the type of girl you can fist isn’t really going to provide much sexual satisfaction unless you’ve got an elephant penis. And additionally, I think, as a woman, seeing a man with a fist in your vagina is a real “This is my bottom” moment in your life, where you think you need to clean up your act and go back to school and get back on track.

But on the plus side, pretending that you’re hooking up with a Muppet is pretty cool. I’d probably do it and do a silly voice. It’d kill the mood, I’m sure, but come on, how often am I going to get to play puppeteer with a person without acquiring a corpse and a whole lot of sturdy rope?

Make sure to actually go to the site and read the bonus portion of the comic (hover your mouse over the red button).

Not having sex when you really need it sucks. That’s why you have to be with a woman who’s a really heavy sleeper. I figure once you spend like $1000 on a woman, you pretty much have a right to do whatever to them once she’s asleep, so long as it doesn’t stir her too much. I like to tie strings to their arms and make them dance like a puppet. It’s not a fetish though. Usually. Though I have always wanted to f Lamb Chop for some reason. Probably because it’d be really uncomfortable for Shari Lewis.

There’s nothing quite as sexy as a bisexual balloon animal orgy. At least, that’s what I thought for most of my life, up until I did that clown performance for the pregnant teens at the Youth Center. You’d think that after taking internal money shots from gang members named Julio, they’d be prepared for such a performance but apparently not. You’d also think they’d put out easier, but hey, there are some sacrifices you make for the good of the community.

That’s a logical reaction, scratching at a friend’s hair and hitting yourself in the face with a stool. Based on the VHS quality of the video, this kid is probably older now and reacts like a disgruntled ape to things like not getting a handjob from his girlfriend or finding out that he’s wholly uninterested in receiving a handjob from his girlfriend and would prefer to get one from his best friend, Billy. You know, relatable issues.

Not that irrational fears of puppets aren’t relatable, I’ve been raped by a puppet once or twice, so what. You just move their strings and throw your voice to pretend they’re saying nice things and then move on with your life.