I love when “celebrities” no one gives a crap about claim they just want their privacy. You know how Raven Symone could get paparazzi to leave her alone? By being Raven Symone. Which is pretty much the same way she gets elliptical machines, gyms, and proper diet to leave her alone. I mean seriously you’re like in your early 20s and you’re still acting fairly regularly, can’t you do a f’ing sit-up so you look slightly less like an elephant seal?

Then again, I guess that explains why she wants paparazzi to stop photographing her. She’s in dozens of photos just because she can’t be avoided, like a flash or the horizon. You could probably take a Myspace photo of yourself in a mirror and part of her bacon-scented flab would find itself sauntering up behind you like when you shove Playdoh through a plastic shape.

Soul Man
Majors in: Theatre, Anthropology
Lessons to Learn: Blackface will help you achieve all of your academic dreams; Entitlement is a curse, not a blessing

I don’t care if you read the rest of this post, but if you do one thing for me ever, watch this clip above of C. Thomas Howell getting caught by his parents in his crazy scheme of acting black to get a college scholarship.

Yes, that’s right. The premise of Soul Man was that C. Thomas Howell was rich and privileged but, since his dad didn’t want to spend money on him any more and wouldn’t pay for his Harvard education, CTH had to pretend to be black for some reason to get a special scholarship. With a lot of bronzing pills and some “soul” in his voice, apparently people believe that he’s a black guy. Yeah. Honestly, the producers of this films should have to pay reparations for the fact that this film exists. Not just to black people, but to everyone who ever even saw the box art.

Higher Learning
Majors in: Ethnography
Lessons to Learn: We’re all different but beautiful; Lesbianism can find ways to be depressing

And now the other end of the racial spectrum…

There aren’t many movies that can combine the first theatrical appearance of critically acclaimed actress Tyra Banks with the musical stylings of Michael Rappaport, but fortunately, Higher Learning is indeed one (and, unless God is punishing us, the only).

The film is a drama, so there’s a lot of stuff going on, all in a crrrrrrazyyyyy couple months of college. For example, skinheads (oh you know how college is always filled with skinheads…college is a big place for radical conservatism) recruit Michael Rappaport since he’s lost in the “multicultural shuffle” of college; Kristy Swanson is date raped, then becomes a lesbian with Jennifer Connelly (not in the fun, let’s make out for attention way, but in the Lilith Fair way); and Omar Epps goes through a militant black stage before realizing he can be a black athlete and a student and blah blah there’s a lot of race stuff in here that wasn’t heavy handed at all.

With Honors
Majors in: Public Policy
Lessons to Learn: The homeless are valuable academic resources; Jheri curl tips from Patrick Dempsey

The tagline: If You Want a Degree, Go to Harvard. If You Want an Education, Go to Simon Wilder.

This film deserves a spot on the list for the poster alone. In the film, Joe Pesci plays a homeless guy (the Simon Wilder in the tag line) who lives in a boiler room at a Harvard library, only he’s smart and reads stuff and teaches important life lessons and doesn’t scream obscenities at me. Granted, I don’t hang out with many homeless people, but I find them to be less about debating professors about politics and more about crapping themselves and worrying about the satellites that are digging into their head because they saw aliens kill JFK. But that’s what college is all about…expanding your horizons.

Sorority Boys
Majors in: Gender Studies
Lessons to Learn: Ugly women can help you every way but sexually; Cross-dressing is often a good way to correct your problems

I know what I thought when I first saw the previews for this…how could a college/frat movie based around guys cross-dressing possibly go wrong? Oh but wrong it went. Over and over. You see, three boys are a part of the Kappa Omega Kappa house (get it, KOK…like genitals) but they get accused of stealing money and end up having to join a sorority of ugly girls (named DOG…because the women aren’t up to the societal standards of beauty). The whole movie is the ugly girls and other people being like, “Wow look at these transvestites, oh well, I guess they must be women…oh wait no a wacky situation that reveals they might be men…no no, I guess they’re just women” until the boys learn a lesson about misogyny or some crap. Unfortunately that lesson doesn’t come like Hillary Swank’s in Boys Don’t Cry. Maybe in the director’s cut.

Sydney White
Majors in: Greek mythology, Communications
Lessons to Learn: Acceptance is always possible, so long as you look like Amanda Bynes; Sorority girls aren’t as welcoming as you might believe

Amanda Bynes plays “Sydney White” in this one, a “clever, modern spin on the classic Snow White tale”. Apparently my thesaurus is screwy because I don’t see “clever” or “modern” as a synonym for “trite” and “only worth watching because Amanda Bynes is foxy”. Amanda Bynes is in a sorority and the girls are mean so she moves in with some “outcasts” (there are seven of them for some reason. Oh. I get it. Like the dwarves. Clever) who also happen to consist of other beautiful people who aren’t really outcasts. So basically you can distill this down to the synopsis that a bunch of beautiful people both reject and accept Amanda Bynes.

Amanda Bynes runs for Student Body President and I don’t know if she wins or loses but I bet we learn an important lesson involving standing up for yourself to the tune of some Jesse McCartney song.

Dead Man on Campus
Majors in: Law, Education
Lessons to Learn: Murder can help you get ahead in life

While the Saved by the Bell fan in me was happy to see that Mark Paul Gosselaar was still getting work, I have to admit that this movie was a disaster. The whole premise was one that was in a movie a few month’s earlier (The Curve, which taught similar lessons with a higher budget cast) and it was a little dark, even for a movie about death.

The premise of the film is that the two lead characters are interviewing roommates, hoping that they can find one who’s suicidal who will kill himself so they can both get straight As. Anyway the film wraps with Tom Everett Scott’s character pretending to want to commit suicide so he and Mark Paul Gosselaar can both look like sympathetic figures and get more time to get their grades up. AND IT WORKS. See, those kids on Livejournal were right: Suicide is an effective attention ploy.

College Road Trip
Majors in: African American Studies, Culinary Arts
Lessons to Learn: Parents are overprotective because they feel like you’ve outgrown them; Martin Lawrence will do anything for a paycheck

No, this isn’t a movie in which Martin Lawrence plays multiple characters in a fat suit…in fact, that’s Raven Symone playing his daughter. Which is pretty great for all of us who watch a movie and think to ourselves, “I wish the female protagonist in this movie reminded me more of a young Queen Latifah!” And no, that’s not Raven Symone wearing the red collar in the trailer above either. I could see how one might make that mistake too.

The premise is that Raven Symone is going to college and her dad, played by Martin Lawrence, is an overprotective cop. And, you’ll be shocked to know, hijinx ensue. Anyway Martin Lawrence keeps being a douche until he comes to terms with his daughter growing up and I think Raven Symone eats a ham and that’s about it.
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College can be a scary time but hopefully, with these lessons learned from the wonderful cinematic triumphs above, you can lead a productive life. Especially if you stock up on bronzing pills.

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