This one is great because the girl is very attractive and it appears that her puppy is put into a microwave. Must be a viral marketing campaign for some sort of delicious animal recipes. Tanning and a snack, how delicious!

I like big dogs because they’re so cute and big and dumb and I like small girls because they’re so cute and little and dumb, so this seems like a perfect marriage of two great tastes that go great together. Also I used to jerk off to Clifford the Big Red Dog, so bonus for me.

Our only cat video of the bunch, unfortunately. This video’s pretty cool because it has an artistic vibe too. Because she’s in a white dress and the kittens are black. It’s like black on blonde porn, just with slightly less deep-dicking.

Here’s two girls in bed with their pooch. Note the one in the pink barking at the dog. I make girls bark all the time in bed. Then I take them for a walk and make them pee on a fire hydrant. Look, I’m not saying I don’t like odd things, I just try to let you into my world. Whatever. Judgey.

Here’s a video of a cute chick and her dog with more jump cuts than a Michael Bay movie. Kissing your dog is cute until you think about the fact that his mouth probably tastes like the girls in the 2 girls 1 cup video.

And of course, you have to close out with a dog humping a woman (uh, not in the beastiality sense). Because dogs…so like us.

This first one comes from a site of hot chicks doing extreme sports called XXtreeme.com (sort of SFW, theoretically). I think you have to reward people who really stick to a niche.

This one sort of looks like my apartment on Friday nights in which I make the women compete in gladiator-esque fights to the death for the rights to be romanced by me. Only this is with actual women instead of stuffed animals.

This one is from something called MILFmania, created by some rock station in Orlando. I’m not going to say that this is the greatest rock station ever, but it’s probably the greatest rock station ever. Yes I can get my “rock block” and my “Get the Led Out Tuesdays” from any K-Rock or whatever around the country. But can I get MILFs playing beach dodgeball at all of those? DOUBTFUL. Who cares that they probably haven’t been fertile since Quiet Riot was culturally relevant?

Stripper dodgeball is, well, exactly what it sounds. In this crazy work-a-day world, who has time for false advertisement? Skip to 1:45 in to save yourself from the rest of the Spike TV nonsense.

Skip all the way to the end for this one. “There isn’t much hotness in this one,” you say. Well, if it’s wrong to find a woman getting knocked unconscious to the floor by a rubber ball “hot”, then I don’t want to be right. Or convicted. Note: She totally didn’t actually break her neck like the video claims. A dodgeball hurts, sure, but you’d have to be made of Teddy Grahams to get bones broken by one.

BONUS: The sexiest video of all perhaps. Big boobs, bikinis, balls flying. Too bad it’s all dudes. But hey, if you take that out of the equation…niiiiiice.

It’s important to be nice and loose and limber before reading. What with all the vital leg movements you must do.

The commenter on this video who says “Intelligence fetish” is so right. She has HUUUUGE brains. Nice and full, round. Man, I’d love to just smush her brains together and ride them hard. It’d be just like the time I helped clean up Dealey Plaza.

Oh girl, don’t you know that with your pleated skirt, it will pop up and expose your derrière! My oh my, women…no foresight.

This video just kind of creeps me out. Yes the girl is well-endowed, but it looks like it was shot in the home of a recently deceased grandmother. And I’ll be damned if I get aroused by a recently deceased grandmother again, that’s for sure.

Maybe they should change the “Reading is fundamental” campaign to “Reeeading iiiiiis fuuuuundajerkofftothenwistfullycleanyourselfupwhenyou
realizeyoujustjerkedofftoclothedwomenreadingbooks.” Might be a bit wordy.

You have a thong and a decent stomach, so why not combine those two pastimes with a third: oral hygeine.

Tooth brushing for attention: The Myspace whore way. If only they could put Photoshop filters on YouTube videos.

Porn slut brushes teeth in her underwear to drive traffic to her pornographic site. Presumably she’s brushing the jizm out of her teeth. And the shame.

Probably the hottest girl of the bunch in a video cleverly titled “Brushing Teeth in Undies”. Though it’s more of a skit, the premise is still there.

Oh whores. What won’t you do for my attention? Other than love me

Cartwheels are always fun. Cheerleaders do them, you look up their skirt, everyone laughs and hides their slight erection. But it’s kind of perturbing to see a chick do them over and over spliced with photos of her cleavage. Perturbingly arousing, but perturbing nonetheless.

Men like women to fit into gender roles. So it’s probably not a huge shocker that you can find an impossibly proportioned girl in her underwear cooking on YouTube. If only she were sewing and popping out a baby (without that “ew” swelling in her stomach), we’d really be onto something.

YouTube is a dark, strange place dear readers. A strange place where girls with nice bodies will do anything for your attention. After the jump…whore does laundry in a short slinky dress, German slut unicycles for a crowd, ho eats sausage at a restaurant, and a skank with big boobs buys groceries in a tank-top. Oh Internet…you so classy!

Fun fact: This is how I do my laundry. Only nude. Chris: 1, Laundry slut: 0, Snuggles: 3.

How do you forget years of goose-stepping and Jew-burning? By having a girl in a billowy dress ride around on a unicycle for your affection. I can’t say I disapprove.

Sausage is a delicious breakfast treat. So of course you can find an attractive blond deep-throating one.

This one is probably my favorite, yet it kind of makes me angry for a couple reasons. First, it’s easily the most absurd of them all…you don’t need to have a hot chick with big boobs talk about buying groceries while wearing a tight tank-top if you’re a serious “expert” video provider. And second, it’s not embeddable. What are we, communists? Still, link is pretty great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGFs1sC-j7c

My personal favorite because this girl is attractive, sluttily dressed, and desperate for attention. All are qualities I look for in a woman. They say you look for a woman like your mother.

This one thinks it’s classy because it’s from “Diet.com” so it has to have the vagina talk. Whatever, skip to 51 seconds in.

This is the one that got all the hype last week. I’d put good money on the girl being an utter disaster with a cooch that smells like an Xbox 360 joystick and a bag of Cheetos, but eh, who am I to judge?

This chick may be having a seizure, I’m not sure. But she’s got a fat ass. She might be a mom though, the more I look at it. Whatever, like that’s stopped me before.

Pro Tip: If you look like a bassethound, hide the face.

This isn’t Wii Fit but, whatever…jailbait!

Ideally, you should have some athletic coordination. Lest you look like a functional retard emulating a washing machine.

For the Paula Poundstone in you.