How do you know when you have a superpower? I’d imagine you probably need someone to tell you. I’m pretty much a narcissist so I assume I must have one, but I don’t know which. I was hoping invisibility, but when I went into the women’s locker room, there was definitely yelling and pummeling. Then again, maybe I just lose invisibility when vigorously masturbating and licking my lips. These things are a delicate balance, for sure.

That’s a pretty impressive physical talent. It wasn’t like he got lightly tapped by the car either, that was a full on flip. It’s like he’s some sort of modern day superhero, only instead of an amazing lifesaving power, he just gets hit by large objects and goes on with the rest of his crapty life. Which is probably how Superman would have turned out if he were real anyway. He’d have just been getting hit by cars or taking flight and then have to go back to a menial job as a fry cook or temp at an insurance agency. Plus Lois Lane would have probably been a Thai former prostitute named Guardita with a slightly ambiguous gender and Lex Luthor would have been his neighbor who always flushes used condoms down the toilet, forcing Superman’s sick to clog up with a bleachy-smelling viscous liquid. Not quite Super now, is it?

Maybe Batman should be a bit less judgmental. These superheroes always think they’re so great with their fancy cars and capes and attractive women who are blissfully retarded enough to not see the fact that the man in their life fights crime for like 8 hours a day. I guess I’m just a little bitter that my superhero alter ego Precum Man didn’t take off. You’d be surprised at how difficult it is to make villains slip and fall on an area specifically designed to make them take a topple.

Supergirl knows what’s up…I’ve always said that either invisibility or x-ray vision would probably be my superpower of choice just because I could do a great deal of perverse things with either of those. I’d probably lean toward invisibility though because then I’d also be able to do crime. I guess super speed or super strength would be pretty badass too though because then you could be a superstar athlete and just have to like pretend you were mortal but then one day your girlfriend sees you opening a jar of pickles and you accidentally crush it because you’re just learning your powers and she’s like “OMG” and you’re like, “Yeah, it’s my secret.” Then you make out and some Smash Mouth song plays but just as you’re about to bone your new supervillain comes and totally cockblocks you which, aside from his genocide of hundreds at the bank vault, is probably his greatest crime of all.

[Derby tip to Kayfabe]

Scientists say they are a step closer to developing materials that could render people and objects invisible.

Researchers have demonstrated for the first time they were able to cloak three-dimensional objects using artificially engineered materials that redirect light around the objects. Previously, they only have been able to cloak very thin two-dimensional objects.

The findings, by scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, led by Xiang Zhang, are to be released later this week in the journals Nature and Science.

The new work moves scientists a step closer to hiding people and objects from visible light, which could have broad applications, including military ones.

As awesome as this is theoretically, a mass-market invisibility cloak probably wouldn’t be the best idea. Incidents of mysterious semen flying at nude women in locker rooms and showers would escalate, as would “Surprise sex,” bank robberies, and just general creepiness. And what if the ninjas got a hold of this? They’re already practically invisible with their stealthiness and aerodynamically small genitals…imagine what they’d do if they got a hold of this?

In related news, if someone can get me an invisibility cloak before anyone else has one, that’d be awesome. I think I have a pretty big readership in the Chinese-American scientific community so I’m hoping I can finally call in a favor to Big Invisibility. Help a brotha out