Beware of this video since there’s a lot of nerd babbling, but you can’t really beat the simple joys of the World’s Sixth Most Popular Sport, Pac-man, being played out with Roombas. Pop your power pellets and get on board.

Downside: Not quite as cool as this Pac-Man in real life video. It’s a known fact that any concept gets infinitely funnier when you add in destroying public property and horrified onlookers.

I wonder if Pac-Man has the cultural relevance he did before though. In the 80s there was Pac-Man fever and arcade games everywhere. But nowadays if I pop some pills and try to eat ghosts that only I can see, people think I’m the strange one. Study up on your classic video games and/or the psychodelic effects of alcohol and sleeping pills, society!

Do you have a desire to win your Halloween costume contest along with two spare 42 inch LCD TVs lying around that you wouldn’t mind getting Halloween juices all over? Well then, try to be like these two dudes who made completely functioning iPhone 3GS costumes.

That might be the most spectacularly excessive costume in history. The story goes that these two gentlemen spent about $2000 to make the costumes in the hopes of competing in some online and local costume contests to make their money back. But that seems kind of unfair. Could you imagine what a dick you’d feel like if you walked in dressed like a zombie in a top hat (or Billy Mays) and you see two guys with fully functional iPhone costumes? I’d imagine the hours of makeup work would feel completely stupid for putting in so much effort. Kind of like being Cameron Diaz.

I’m a PC owner and I would kick Justin Long in the balls if I ever saw him. But that said, there’s no disputing Windows has some problems. See, for example, this extremely embarrassing video on live Japanese TV of Windows 7 not doing stuff a computer should do (i.e. work correctly).

I have to say, and I mean this with no homoerotic undertones, that this little Japanese man trying to work Windows 7 is adorable. The way he bites his knuckle in an exasperated fashion after Windows embarrassingly failing for minutes is pretty priceless.

Maybe this was a deliberate ploy by Microsoft. In a country with technology advancing at a more rapid rate than almost anywhere else on the world, do we really want to give them the power of efficient touchscreen monitors? God forbid they ever get virtual reality down. If that ever happens, I’d just avoid being a woman on the train, lest you get sharked by giant virtual reality tentacles while Pikachu virtually takes a dump on you from another part of the country. Sure it sounds adorable now, but it’d be horrifying in practical application.

What you see above is a digital scale that can weigh your drugs but also hide them inside a casing that looks like an iPhone. Pretty brilliant. Well, brilliant up until the point you realize that it’ll be sold for $5 just to get more drugs. It looks less brilliant when you factor that in. On the plus side, it probably gets about as good reception as my real iPhone.

[BornTechie]

Two employees at the Best Buy store at FlatIron Crossing in Broomfield have been fired for the way they tried to stop a knife-wielding shoplifter who stole two cellphones at the store on Aug. 1.

“I reacted on instinct,” said 20-year-old Jared Bergstreser, who was sitting at the “asset protection desk” near the front door.

“I tackled him (outside the store), and we ended up on the cement,” said Bergstreser, who is studying to be a paramedic at Front Range Community College.

Bergstreser and employee Colin Trapp, 23, who came to his aid, were both fired Sunday.

Bergstreser said his firing was decided by corporate officials, not the local store, because he didn’t follow company policy in his pursuit of the shoplifter.

“They don’t want us to get hurt,” said Bergstreser. “I definitely went against company policy. I don’t disagree with it (the firing). I put people in danger, and I put myself in danger.”

These guys seem unbelievably cool with getting fired, which I guess is what happens when you realize, “Oh, right, it’s Best Buy.” It’s not like you got fired from being the blow job stunt double on a porn set (which may not be a real job, but I’m all about job creation in this economy).

Seriously though, I really respect humility and all that when you do something fairly brave. But if I thwarted a robbery at the hands of a guy with a knife, I would be wearing a t-shirt that reads “Ask Me About That Mugging I Stopped” on the front with “…And I’m Well-Endowed” on the back. Sure it might confuse some people who’ll think there’s a correlation between the two, as though I beat a robber to death with my swollen member, but is that really any less impressive?

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I could see parents getting all up in a tizzy over this application, thinking that it’ll make their kids end up shooting up their schools or whatever. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I would buy this app, play with it for 30 seconds, and get bored with it, never touching it again. I’d be more concerned about sometime similar happening with his penis. You blast people in the face with that thing and, unlike with a gun, you still have to see them right after it’s over.

Bebé Glotón is a infant doll made by Berjuan, a toy maker in Spain, for the express purpose of promoting breastfeeding. The idea is to impress upon kids that breastfeeding is natural.

Your child wears a colorful bra-like halter-top featuring flowers over the nipple area. When the doll is lifted to the flowers, it makes a suckling motion and sound. When your child’s flower nipples grow sore and cracked, either the baby cries for more, or beckons to be burped.

While I definitely find it odd that a parent would get a child a toy where a baby suckles on any of your daughter’s body parts, you have to admit that it is kind of cool theoretically. Not that I necessarily want baby toys to be playing with my body in new and exciting and vaguely sexual ways, but I like to know that they’ve developed the capability to do so.

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All 50 states in the US require those convicted of sexual offences to sign a register so that their whereabouts can be tracked and monitored. The information is also freely available online. ThinAir Wireless, the developer of the Offender Locator application, has used this database to build the tool.

Offender Locator uses the iPhone’s built-in GPS to pinpoint the user’s location, and then provide a map listing sex offenders in the local area. Tapping on one of the ‘pins’ dropped on to the map brings up a photograph of the offender, as well as their address, date of birth and list of convictions.

Users can also search for sex offenders living nearby a friend or colleague whose address is stored in their Apple iPhone address book, or they can type in a street address to generate a list of convicted sex offenders in the local area. There are around 50,000 registered sex offenders in the United States.

That seems useful but these maps are always kind of disturbing. Especially when you load it up and it looks like your map is filled with an interpretive recreation of Nena’s 99 Luftballons. I’m sure it’s not true, but people imagine that it’s so bad in areas that dense, that if you’re carrying a My Buddy doll, it’ll quickly look like it’s getting sprayed by a yogurt hose when you walk it home. An actual child? Like a Guy-in-Glasses-and-Wispy-Mustache Cock Car Wash.

But what about fairness in the free market? Parents may buy this tool to gain a competitive advantage, but what about one for the sex offenders? Sure, it doesn’t need to cater to really sick perverts because they’re terrible people, but would it kill some app to give me a heads up on high school seniors with no real opposition to statutory rape and a need for booze? This media isn’t social enough for practical purposes, I’ll tell you that much.

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I think this video stands on its own as hilarious, but I don’t think the video is so far off. The Internet was a creepy, almost menacing place then. Just sitting there staring at a black screen as words come across from some other irrelevant asshole miles away. That is kind of a scary concept. At the same time, how long do you think it took the reporter to wind up pantsless and having cybersex with some fat whore in Toronto? With his lack of knowledge, he probably ended up shoving a coaxial cable up his asshole in the belief that it would cause sexual pleasure. And how right he was.

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Thank the Internet for wonders such as this. People often accuse me of being biased of Southerners on this site or misrepresenting them. But hey, now we have video proof (or, as the gentleman above might call it, “Videomographic everdents”). Also, that’s a WOMAN running the camera. A WOMAN. She doesn’t even have wrists! It looks like she’s wearing flesh colored Hulk Hands. It’s like looking into the baboon cage at the zoo. They’d probably have made a more coherent video too.

Feel free to defend yourselves in the comments below, Southern folk. But seriously, if it weren’t for Southern belles and barbecue, I’d be highly advocating just giving you to Mexico. Then we can make Canada the new South. At least they’ve got weed and hot strippers instead of “chew,” rebel flags, and vaguely entertaining appearances on Maury.

I don’t know how I feel about this. We’re pretty lazy already, I can’t imagine that making it so we have to do any less is actually going to be good for people. Most of America seems one PE class away from completely bedridden obesity, let’s not tempt fate shall we?

Plus I don’t know that I trust technology that much. What if I say “directions,” like the lady says in the video, and my house robot thinks I said “erections.” If I have to deal with a barrage of robot penises thrusting into my face, I don’t know what I’d do. The last time that happened, they had to fire the person dressed up like Rosie from The Jetsons at Universal Studios.

You see, the rubber vagina is connected to a series of 24 magnets, just like a real human vagina, so it adequately recreates the vaginal experience. Also, when clustered, magnets bleed on themselves every 28 days and often whine at you to take out the garbage, so there you go, double whammy.

I question the scientific capabilities of any inventor who encourages me to shove a joystick up my anus or says that his product is “a lot like sticking your penis into a vacuum.” If I wanted to recreate what it was like have a babysitter when I was 12, I’d just unrepress the memories on my own.

Facebook is weird to me. Like I can post photos of myself doing something really mundane for me like saving a bus full of burning children or eating a cheeseburger and ONE THOUSAND people will see that. Think about that. ONE THOUSAND. That’s amazingly powerful. I could jerk off in the middle of Times Square while doing a headstand and giving everyone tips on how to solve all of the problems of the economy and one thousand people wouldn’t see that. And I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t take my economic policies seriously.

[thanks to Pol for the tip]

Meet Michelle Owen. Concerned that an ex-boyfriend had used her laptop to search for child pornography, the Indiana woman asked police to search the computer for illegal images, but had her plan backfire when cops discovered two videos of her engaged in illicit acts with a dog.

Owen, 24, was charged last week with two felony bestiality counts in connection with the video files, which a detective found in the laptop’s “recycle bin.” At the time Owen asked cops to search the computer, she was locked up in the Johnson County Jail on a public intoxication charge (which violated the terms of her release in a prior drunk driving case).

According to a police affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find here, a cop told Owen that he had found videos of her on the laptop and asked if she “knew what those files might be.”

Owen, pictured in the below mug shot, replied, “The one with the dog.”

Cops believe that the dog in question, Toby, is a beagle.

After asking if she was “going to be charged with this,” Owen said that the videos “were just something she did when she was drunk and barely remembers it,” adding that she tried to “delete them the next day when she was sober.”

I’m not saying this is like the hottest chick on Earth or anything (pictured above), but as far someone f’ing a dog goes, she’s got to be in the upper 5% of women in terms of looks. At the same time though, how much did you mess up along the pathways of life to have a boyfriend you think is heavily invested in kiddy porn while you’re f’ing dogs and recording it? I’d have to believe that there’s been at least a couple of wrong choices made along the way.

I also really enjoy how the article went out of the way to point out that the dog was a beagle. I was really concerned that it was going to be a doberman or something. I mean, a doberman named Toby…we’re dogfers here, not idiots.

[source]

Now my question is that if you name your Wi-fi network that, will you be more likely to have police tracking you down? Because I mean, what self-respecting kiddy porn proprietor would actually advertise that fact? Unless it were an ad buy on some sort of kiddy porn advertising medium. But things like that don’t exist. And if I they did, I certainly wouldn’t know. No siree.

I keep my Wi-fi without a password, so to keep people from stealing, I named the connection “No Internet Here”. I figure it’ll confuse people enough to move on and also make robots’ heads blow up because it’s a paradox. Both of which are my main goals with everything I do on the Internet. Fucking robots. Think you’re so great, don’t you? One day I will have the hydraulic penis and we’ll see whose AI is laughing then!

I guess the point is that technology makes us all feel like assholes. Especially when our robot wives commit adultery. I trusted you, Rosie. I trusted you.

Two years after launching the most technologically savvy presidential campaign in history, Obama officials ran smack into the constraints of the federal bureaucracy yesterday, encountering a jumble of disconnected phone lines, old computer software, and security regulations forbidding outside e-mail accounts.

What does that mean in 21st-century terms? No Facebook to communicate with supporters. No outside e-mail log-ins. No instant messaging. Hard adjustments for a staff that helped sweep Obama to power through, among other things, relentless online social networking.

“It is kind of like going from an Xbox to an Atari,” Obama spokesman Bill Burton said of his new digs.

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“It seems that everyone under 40 who dies takes their cell phone with them,” says Noelle Potvin, family service counselor for Hollywood Forever, a funeral home and cemetery in Hollywood, Calif. “It’s a trend with BlackBerrys, too. We even had one guy who was buried with his Game Boy.”

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YES! Soon I will be flying my way to work, leisurely soaring above the world while drunk off of the magic of aviation. Also, rum and cokes. But while this flying car is awesome, more importantly, it’ll open a window to get all kinds of exciting new technologies that we’ve been promised for so long. Teleporters that won’t merge my DNA with a fly’s! Treadmills in the clouds that I can get stuck in, rolling around indefinitely until my wife Jane can stop it! ROBOT WIVES!

I’ve known love, friends. From real women, dolls, chimpanzees with lustful eyes. But no sensation will compare to the joy of inserting my genitals into a vagina fashioned out of a bladeless garbage disposal. Dare to dream.

“There have been all sorts of cyborgs in science fiction for a long time, and I’m sort of a sci-fi geek,” Vlach tells the New York Daily News in a story published Monday. “With the advancement of technology, I thought, ‘Why not?’”

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