You can say bad things about these monsters all you want (for example, I heard the buzz is that they’re a bit “wild”), but you have to respect the James Gandolfini monster’s real talk. He’s direct, pulls no punches. Get that monster a photo of himself dressed like a 1700s general next to a horse like he deserves and let’s call it a day.

It’s crazy that, for years, the fear has been that with advancements in technology would lead to robots supplanting us as the dominant race on earth. Some people were even like, “Oh those dolphins, they’re as smart as we are! Watch out!” apparently unaware that their king, Flipper, is basically putting on a minstrel show for us all. But as we worried about all these things, the dogs have been silently plotting and planning, pressing up their best dress shirts and ties and getting ready to knock us off our perch. We should have known that begging for Snausages was all a ruse but we were too blinded by our own egos. Shame on us all, human race. Shame on us all.

[Reddit]

I’ve seen a lot of Internet videos in my day of various awful things I’d be ashamed to admit in a court of law. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so seemingly normal looking somehow being completely and utterly disconnected from reality. Accusing people you don’t know of rape and yelling at old ladies in the same long-winded tirade (which also features the best rap flow this side of Snow) typically won’t lead to positive things. Believe me, I know.

On the same token, however, it’s safe to say that the elderly lady did, in fact, get served.

[Reddit]

Sometimes on the Internet I’m just blown away by something I’ve seen. Today, there are two things. One is the pictures of that poor lady whose face got bit off by a chimp (for the love of God don’t look if you’re squeamish). The other is this: the Dr. Mario theme, animated, with lyrics. Bravo to the creator.

If nothing else, you have to admire the entrepreneurial nature of Mario. Never let anyone tell you that you can’t excel in numerous jobs despite a complete lack of training and/or a poor comprehension of english. Mario should serve as an inspiration. You think he knew anything about tennis or hockey or leaping over barrels? No! But he had a passion for the unknown and he made it work. So yes, Dr. Mario, I will allow you to treat me. And I will assume your endlessly probing fingers and calling my spleen “that squishy thing” don’t necessarily preclude you from healing me.

[Thanks Irfan for the tip!]

I have a joke for you guys. A chimp and a frog walk into a zoo. Chimp says to the frog, “Hey frog, I’m going to hump your face.” Frog replies, “I highly doubt that my mntgmgghghhhhfrrrrrm.” Then a child cries, completely horrified. Well, fortunately, the joke works much better in video form!

So that has to be the unluckiest frog ever, right? That has to be the worst thing ever, being trapped by a monster 100x your size as it just inserts its bouncy genitals into your mouth over and over. It’s like summer camp at Riker’s Island all over again. I know what my mom would say if she read this…”Jeez, you put a child on the wrong bus just once then don’t check on them for months and they never shut up about it. Move on with your life.” Fortunately, whisky bottles can’t be thrown via an email. Yet.

[Filmdrunk]

Image credit

Giving birth is a big event for any woman, but for tiny Stacey Herald it is momentous – and extremely risky.

Doctors warned 2ft 4in Stacey off pregnancy. They said a baby would grow so large inside her body it would crush her organs, strangling her from the inside out.
Recalling her first pregnancy, Stacey, from Dry Ridge, Kentucky, said: “They all told me I’d die. They begged me not to have the baby…

“All my babies are miracles. They’re a great gift to the world. When I look at them I’m so full of love, it’s tough not to want more.”

I especially like how she’s wearing Spongebob Squarepants clothing. For her, the choices in maternity clothes were either Spongebob pajamas or clothing from Barbie’s “I Really Let Myself Go After Ken Came Out” playset.

Stacey has given birth to two girls prior to her current pregnancy, now ages two and three years old. Both were by c-section, fortunately. A natural birth from Ms. Herald would look absurd, like an irregular Matroyshka doll bought from a flea market.

That said, it’s kind of touching. A bit frightening to look at, but touching. You can check out some more photos here, including the full-sized Mr. Herald holding her up like a baby. You know, typical prenatal stuff.

[Telegraph]

There have been quite a few prominent white rappers in recent years…Eminem, Asher Roth, um…Snow. But none can match the impact on hip-hop that these two young men, Young Bowman and T-Hines will have on the community with their song, “‘Bout It, ‘Bout it”.

I could put together a rap video with Barbie dolls and make it have more street credibility than these two. In fact, I may just do that. In the video, Skipper wants to go to a party, but Barbie says no. So Skipper sneaks out and goes anyway and has a crazy time, getting high and drunk and hooking up with a fellow or two. And she raps about it. But then at the end of the video, Barbie is outside with her hands on her hips looking angry and Skipper is like, “Whatever yo, I got mines.” Anything for an excuse to play with dolls I MEAN CREATE AWESOME CONTENT.

Since many of us are sports fans, I think we’re all fairly inundated by the obnoxious beer ads every Sunday, aimed to make me drink to avoid my fantasy team losing it’s sixth game in a row despite the fact I own Adrian Peterson and Drew Brees and my opponent owned the Steelers’ D which inexplicably got two late TDs thanks to that a-hole Brett Favre. Oh, where was I? Right…here’s an awesome beer commercial.

Obviously there’s no way something this sexually fueled and edgy would air on American TV, but whatever happened to people making good commercials? You would think that with the advent of the Internet and more and more creative people gaining a voice combined with the fact that most people are so oversaturated with media that nothing resonates that we’d get more outside the box ads like this one. For example, if I had a product to promote, I’d just have an ad with advanced 3D technology that makes it look like a man’s crotch is running into your face. Wouldn’t even matter what I was selling, but once you see a big, bulging 3D crotch about to smash into your face, you’d never forget it. And unless you bought some Toll House Cookies like the ad asks, you’d be forever teabagged until you’d be begging me to stop. Sure that’s how I solve most of my problems in life, but at some point, it’s bound to pay off.

[Fark]

This video is all the rage in Russia, much like stale vodka, governmentally supplied bread, and inspirational messages from punchdrunk American boxers with a speech impediment. What you’re about to witness is the luckiest unlucky guy in the world.

It’s always amazing to me the way that the human body responds to adversity, like old ladies lifting up cars to save babies and babies throwing cars to kill old ladies. This dude clearly hit a gear that he didn’t know he had to avoid that bus. He might have been the fastest man in the world in this particular moment. He probably could have beaten Usain Bolt in a race. You know, if Russia allowed black people.

[As seen on Fark]

If you were a woman looking for a mate and you ended up going through this VCR dating programs, you really must have been hard up for love. You’d be more likely to find romantic and spiritual fulfillment by, instead, taking your VCR, unplugging it, setting yourself a nice bubble bath, reflecting on life, then dropping the VCR in the tub with you. At least then you wouldn’t have to hear some guy with a cheap mustache and Zubaz pants telling you that you’re the foxiest lady in the room.

I want Propecia to be my life coach. Seriously, there is nothing worse in life than asking someone for advice and having them be all wishy washy like, “oh, I don’t know, I suppose you could do X Y or Z, but that raises a lot of issues with blah blah.” Sometimes you just need to get a reality check. And if I had known crack had these powers of self-actualization, I would have smoked it for that purpose years ago. Instead of for why I actually smoked crack, involving wanting to make an accurate representation of Bobby Brown for my New Edition tribute band. Method acting can only take you so far.

That was a pretty big “f you” from the horse there. With good reason. Horses used to be a huge part of our lives and now the most use they get is from obese police officers or midgets whipping them so they run fast. We even refer to a cars’ power in relation to how many of their friends and relatives would have to be enslaved in order to make the car run at that speed. All I’m saying is watch out guys…the Horses are coming.

I really liked what he was going for here because the topics are so relatable. Like who hasn’t had Pol Pot come up to them like, “Why you wearin’ glasses dawg” and you’re just like, “Oh I want to look smart but I am not!” And then Pol Pot is all like, “Damn son you could get killed for dat.” And then he kills you and your whole family! We have all been there, man!

But is Tron worse at stand-up comedy than this guy? You decide.

I didn’t know that the East Coast believes in slaves and I’m not sure why no one ever told me until this video. You mean I could have been owning people all this time and yet here I am, buying cotton balls in Duane Reade like an asshole.

Reason how I know I’m sexist: I saw this video and after about 10 seconds, I thought about sticking my face between her breasts and going “hrrrrrrrrrrr.” She’s not even hot, but I just felt like that was a logical reaction to her ideas. I’m terrified what I might do if I ever find myself in a NOW brainstorming session.

Listen, so what if MacGyver’s bathing kids that don’t belong to him and getting all wet? It doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile. Maybe he’s just a bath enthusiast. This kid has to learn a lot of important lessons in life. MacGyver apparently previously taught him that it’s okay for a strange man to wash his dingle, and now he’s learning how to disassemble a bomb. That seems like a fair trade-off. Shit, MacGyver can wash my ballsack if it means that I get a free lesson in preventing terrorism. That’s the kind of sacrifices I’m willing to make for my country.

Still though, this kid’s not even cute. You can do better, MacGyver. Find someone a little more tussleable. You deserve it.

[via]

Stirring. What a beautiful rendition. It’s inspirational to see someone chasing their dreams to entertain in spite of their disabilities. By which I mean the fact that this Gollum-looking individual sounds like a retarded baby getting dropped from a 7th story window. I mean what is he doing trying to pull his shirt down to cover his stumps? It’s not like we as viewers were going to go, “Waaaaait, what is he hiding there? This totally normal person has something to hide!” Yeah, you got it Gay Amputee Dude, none of us were onto you.

You know what’s the great part about having sex with a Gay Amputee? They can’t run away when you tell them you have AIDS. *ba dum BUM* Thank you guys, I’ll be here raping Gay Amputees all week!

Sandra Lee might not be hot by Internet model standards, but I’d definitely blow a load in her casserole (that’s not a euphemism, I’d f her and then beat off into whatever food dish was nearby). Ditto for most of the chicks on these shows like Giada De Laurentiis or Rachael Ray or Ingrid Hoffman. So why the f is that whenever I turn on the Food Network when there’s nothing better on that I’m stuck seeing the moocow hosting the Barefoot Contessa show, Ina Garten? I’m sure she’s a great cook and whatever since she’s fat and fat people tend to know food for some unknown reason, but putting that heifer on is like having a team of lightning fast racehorses, yet bringing a donkey with a missing hoof and diabetes to run in the Kentucky Derby. Get it fixed, Food Network.

Drunk girls are generally pretty insufferable. It’s either hostility/Ciness, a series of “Woo’s” with arms extended, or vomiting onto something. Granted, you can usually f them through most of these scenarios, which helps make them more palatable, but I’m not quite ready to say that makes her the victim. But at the same time, the Mexican guy was provoked by the beer tossing and Mexican guys often provide me with food deliveries and, um, wispy moustaches. Decisions!

Unrelated, is that the most amazing mullet ever on the dude who comes over to the Mexican guy after the girl gets knocked down or am I just imagining things? I also love how he leisurely saunters over since he clearly has no intention of defending the girls’s honor but clearly he has to try to act tough in the hopes of getting into the drunken bikini bottom of one of the whores. “Hey BRO, that’s not cool. *Mexican dude gets angry again* Hey. Hey. Oh, you’re holding him back…cool…YEAH YOU’RE A DICK BRO.”

You might think this is bad, but I think it’s a step forward for dogs. They bite penises all the time, plus they’re always shoving phallic objects like sausages in their mouths. That unhealthy obsession with men is either a gay thing or a completely sexist view towards women. Bitches are all about gender equality and respect, so we should view this vagina biting with the same reverence as women view things like Rosie the Riveter or Lilith Fair or that one episode of Sex and the City where Sarah Jessica Parker is all like, “Hey men, I am SO putting you in your place!”

That is a pretty amazing thing to do, I have to say. And I’m sure it took hours of practice and effort to get done. Which is good, because when interviewing at a college or a job, the first thing they ask is, “Have you ever hit a full-court shot after doing a front flip?” And if the answer is yes, they go, “Gnarrrrrrlyyyyyy!!!!!!” and leap into the air and give you a high five. That’s assuming you’re living in an early 90s commercial for Capri Sun. Which is to say, a perfect world.