I’ve been in some awkward situations before (typically referred to as “My Life Up Until…About Yesterday”) but I’ve been pretty fortunate that no one has ever walked in on me during a private moment with myself like that. My question is…do you start back up right after the person leaves? Or is the moment totally done? Because I’m very appreciative of the awkwardness going on, but that doesn’t mean a brotha can’t get some work done, know what I’m sayin’? If you don’t like the way I live, you shouldn’t be walking into my room. Or at least be walking in with a riot shield.

[Reddit]

Is it wrong that I just beat off to this, or just ironic?

I don’t know that I totally buy his rationale. Sure, the Bible says that you shouldn’t be wasting your seed in sinful ways. But the Bible says a lot of crazy things. Like did you know that a man isn’t supposed to lay with another man, according to this Bible of yours? Now fine, I can accept that maybe some higher power won’t want me buttsexing my way around with other gentleman, but depending upon how you interpret that, not only must I avoid the butt sex, I also have to avoid cuddling with other men? How else am I supposed to feel safe?!?!? Ridiculous!

[via]

So is this not supposed to be suspicious? Like if someone saw a big blow-up doll in your house, they’d probably go, “Oh, he’s totally having sex with a blowup doll.” But if someone sees an egg in your house, they just think it’s an egg, I’d assume. But if you have an egg by your bedside with something that looks like crusted old egg whites underneath it, I’d still think that’s a bit out of the norm. I don’t think I’d assume you’re having sex with it, but I wouldn’t be shocked. I guess my real point is that as a society, we should probably limit the things we pleasure ourselves with to our hands or to humans, or occasionally a particularly sexy pair of couch cushions. Your eyes say “no no” but the change inside of you says, “yes yes.”

There has never been a moment where I have found someone calling me a hot dog to be arousing. Except when I used to go to Furry conventions dressed in the only costume I could afford, which is one of the Nathan’s mascot. Then, perhaps. But oh the deep dark places my all beef casing entered were enough to frighten even the most cynical man.

Anyway I’ve got Kiana Tom on the mind now, so here’s a YouTube video of her too. Feel free to list your exercise masturbation stories in the comments. It’s a sharing circle here, folks. Unless it involves sweating either to or fro the oldies. Then you might want to keep that one for your therapist.

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It just seems like smoking in the shower would be counterproductive. How badly do you need nicotine anyways? Are these 20 minutes in the shower really going to break you? I need to know more.

Unrelated to the video, I’ve never been a fan of jerking it in the shower. I feel like I’m imprisoned if I’m forced to beat it standing up. Plus the hot water just fs with my whole deal. It’s practically waterboarding. I don’t know why I’m telling you this…I guess the point is that if I’m in your bathroom, there’s a good chance you won’t be able to clone me from the leavings in the drain. Plus I need visual stimuli…I have the imagination of a dead rhinoceros and can’t get off to looking at well-done grout.

[via]

I like ejaculating about as much as anyone. It’s fun, you can shoot it at targets, whatever. But I never get having to jerk it outside of your home. Are you that much of a junkie that you can’t wait a couple hours? What is turning you on so bad in a car? If you jerk off because you saw a hot chick down the street, you’re basically an animal and should be in jail because you’re one opportunity away from sexual assault. And if you’re not Rapewhistle McGee, that means you just got a raging erection based off of an odometer and the hits of the 80s, 90s, and today. If you’re getting throbbing boners off of The Real McCoy, you may want to take a good hard look in the mirror.

[via]

I don’t nearly see enough dinosaurs jerking off on the Internet. In fact, this probably could have been a whole episode of that old ABC show Dinosaurs. Just Robbie beating off to, I don’t know, some stegosaurus with big…stegs..and getting caught by the dad and then they have to have a talk and Robbie realizes that he doesn’t have to masturbate all the time just because he can do it now. This may very well have changed the entire course of my ejaculatory history as I was coming of age.

Just a word of warning…no matter how sexy you found Little Shop of Horrors, Venus Flytraps are not an acceptable substitute for a Fleshlight or, *gasp, a real woman. In fact, very few plants can adequately provide sexual joy. Think about it. How many times have you seen a dandelion ejaculate? Exactly.

Jerking off is kind of a tricky thing. People say to use lubes or baby oil or whatever and I’ve never really found that to be too enjoyable. I think I did Vaseline once and ended up burning myself a bit (like, not that I did it so hard that I started a fire, as far as I know). I mean, I completed the job, but it wasn’t too great. I guess what I’m saying is don’t let other people tell you how to jerk off. Do it for yourself. Unless they’re paying you to do it while they watch. In which case, make sure you’re not Dirk Diggler doing it in a truck. Masturbation: The Deadliest Game of All.

I get that a cop on a bike is still a cop but it’s a bit difficult to respect you when you have tassels blowing in the wind as you try to accost me. Unless you’re a stripper. In which case I still won’t respect you but I’ll probably masturbate to you, which is a sign of respect if you really think about it because hey I’ve only given probably 10 million women, 5 men, 760 animals, and one sexy toaster the privilege of being spank fodder. High praise.

A security guard accidentally suffocated himself in an autoerotic accident, an inquest heard.

Ralph Santiago, 31, was found dead in the men’s toilets of the building he worked wearing Wellington boots, a wetsuit and gas mask.

His body was found by a colleague at about 7am on Tuesday, July 22, last year, lying on the floor with a gas canister nearby.

Further rubber/latex outfits were found in Mr Santiago’s car and in the ladies’ toilets of his workplace at Aquis House in Blagrave Street, Reading.

Mr Courtenay visited the staff bathroom and discovered the men’s toilet was locked. He went upstairs to get a key, when he opened the door he found a body.

However, he was not certain it was Mr Santiago because only his eyes were visible under the mask.

Paramedics and the police were called. In a statement, PC Barbara Cummings described Mr Santiago as wearing “a black latex suit, gloves, a gas mask and Wellingtons.”

Mr Santiago’s girlfriend Hannele Vaher did not attend the inquest but had previously explained “he had fetishes”, of which she did not take part.

She said he was “prone to dressing up” and adding that he took poppers.

I get that sexual deviance like this is probably not something you have a lot of control over, but man I’m finding it hard to relate to this dude. I think we’ve all had the impulse to j.o. at work, perhaps while looking at that saucy secretary or naughty CEO (mmm tell me more about fiscal solvency and making cutbacks to avoid layoffs) but actually taking the jump to doing it is a pretty unhealthy thing to do. I could only imagine that choking yourself out in a gas mask in the men’s room would make that even more difficult (and somehow even creepier). In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find a creepier way to jerk off, unless you worked at a school for retarded kids and had a penchant for making them yell gibberish while you fist yourself. Yeah. That’d probably do it.

[source]

Men who are very sexually active in their twenties and thirties are more likely to develop prostate cancer, especially if they masturbate frequently, according to a study of more than 800 men.

The study, led by the University of Nottingham, looked at the sexual practices of more than 431 men who had been diagnosed with prostate cancer before the age of 60, together with 409 controls.

Men who took part in the study were asked about all aspects of their sex life from their twenties onwards, including how old they were when they became sexually active, how often they masturbated and had intercourse, how many sexual partners they had had and whether they had had any sexually transmitted diseases.

“We were keen to look at the links between sexual activity and younger men as a lot of prostate cancer studies focus on older men as the disease is more prevalent in men over 50” says lead author Dr Polyxeni Dimitropoulou, who is now at the University of Cambridge.

“Hormones appear to play a key role in prostate cancer and it is very common to treat men with therapy to reduce the hormones thought to stimulate the cancer cells. A man’s sex drive is also regulated by his hormone levels, so this study examined the theory that having a high sex drive affects the risk of prostate cancer.”

This is literally the most depressing thing I’ve heard in months. I’ve been in some awkward, self-defeating situations before but nothing quite as awkward as switching tabs between pornography and blogging, only to find myself pleasuring myself as I tab over to an article leading to higher odds of cancer. Of course, I didn’t stop. Several times. What am I, a quitter?

Anyway I guess the most logical solution is to just swallow whatever you eject to balance out your chemicals. I’m pretty sure there’s a scientific rationale behind why that would work. Probably homosexuality.

[source, and if you want to help out your cancer, more photos of Nilanti Narain (pictured above) can be found here]

The female winner is Melanie Nunes Fronckowiak, a 20 year-old form Brazil. And with a name as awful as that, you need to have an amazing ass to balance it out. These competitions are always sort of skewed…we really need to force every woman on Earth into them in order to ensure we have an accurate woman. If I were a chick, I’d be reluctant to flaunt my ass for something named “Sloggi”.

Unfortunately the competition also featured men, so avert your eyes in the photos with the blue undies. Try to aim your masturbation solely to the right side of the screen, like you were beating off onto Two-Face.

[source]

The money shot, so to speak, is about 13 seconds in.

It’s important to have a good support system in place during a crisis like the one at Lehman Brothers so it’s truly a blessing that these two men have each other. In a completely unrelated note, do you also find it hard to masturbate when laughing hysterically? I’m just saying. Like, it might be difficult. Theoretically.

[Via Breitbart]

A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging employees on a flight to Los Angeles from Dallas/Fort Worth Airport failed to protect her while she slept from another passenger who masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair, according to a lawsuit she filed last week in Tarrant County.

The woman slept most of the flight, but awoke about 20 minutes before landing when the pilot announced the plane was on decent into Los Angeles. When the woman opened her eyes, she saw that an unknown man had moved into the seat next to her and was staring at her as he masturbated, the suit states. The woman turned toward the window in embarrassment and in an act of nervousness began to run her fingers through her hair where she noticed “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” the suit states. The woman began to cry and tried to get the attention of a flight attendant, but was unsuccessful, the suit states.

Finally a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair, the suit states. When the plane landed, employee called airport police and the man was arrested. The suit alleges that the during the investigation, American Airlines employees told police they witnessed the man move from his assigned seat into the row where the woman was sleeping. The woman is seeking punitive damages and a jury trial.

I like women. But honestly, I could never BE a woman. Getting yelled at on the street by random dudes, groped in bars, getting roofies in my drink more than I already do now (which is like 6 times a night, easy). But you throw plane jizz on there and it’s like, “What the f? My ovaries are a curse! I thought my little brain was my main negative! Oh gosh, let me go make some more cakes.”

On the plus side, my semen cures cancer, so when you get it in your hair, the correct response is “Thank you sir. Might I trouble you for some more?” I carry cups around with me and just splash it on every 300th woman I see. My way of giving back.