February 14, 2012 5:00 pm

These are the tactics that women will use to trick gamers into sleeping with them

Matt Hawkins Contributing Writer, Video Games

Follow @fortninety More from Matt Hawkins >

Remember guys: if some girl out of the blue compliments you on your leet gaming skillz, she actually doesn’t care and is simply after some empty, meaningless sex. And you don’t want that. Right?

It being close to evening time, women who are desperate for Valentine’s action will be going after a contingency of the male population that (more than likely) might be spending tonight alone: gamers. And we have things that catches our eye, so the following advice is from one woman to many others, who want to be noticed and sought after. Cuz, you know, gamer dorks have their pick of the litter and all.

… Actually, it’s part of an article that deals with sexism in gaming, which honestly doesn’t make any major revelations, at least for most educated individuals out there. The also comes dangerously close to unintentionally stereotyping herself, but that’s neither here nor there for the time being. Still, the hit-points that opens it up are pretty hilarious (due it part of it being somewhat off on the money)…

Step 1: Cosplay. Do it. But not too sexy! You’re dressing up for him, not the drooling masses. There’s an invisible line in his head that separates dedicated fans from attention whores.

Step 2: Dress down. The prettier you look, the more likely he is to believe you’re desperate for attention.

Step 3: No keyboard? No way. Get those iOS games out of here. Real games use tactile buttons or something.

Step 4: Remember, you play a female avatar because “a woman’s ass is so much nicer to look at,” not for some stupid feminist reason. He’ll think that’s hot.

Step 5: Never out your boo as a gamer to his non-gamer friends. He’s ashamed and you should be, too.

Step 6: Be supportive! Constantly having to deal with a culture that’s stacked against affluent males is stressful.

Step 7: Spend too much money on ThinkGeek. Garish retro gaming shirts and jewelry never go out of style!

Step 8: Accept that you’re in the minority. Games aren’t made for you, they’re made for your Gamer Babe. Boys are the only ones who buy games, anyway.

Step 9: Don’t take games too seriously. Real gamer guys understand that games are just games, and nobody should think too hard about them. Unless it’s a game they like. In which case: learn every Pokemon, sniper position, theoretical subconscious plot, and special move or you’ll seem like a noob.

Step 10: Never admit you like Pokemon.
10a. Unless your pookie likes Pokemon. Then talk about nothing but Pokemon.

Step 11: Don’t try to say anything of substance about videogames. If your new honey agrees, he’ll think you’re pandering. If he disagrees he’ll say it’s girlish naivety.

Step 12: Similarly, don’t challenge his opinions on videogames. They’re not opinions. They’re facts.

Step 13: If you’re searching for a Gamer Guy to call your own, seek out one of the Nice Guys. You’ll be able to recognize Nice Guys by their primary trait: loud, constant complaints about women who won’t have sex with them.

Step 14: Never play Farmville or any other social games. You’re only a gamer if your tastes align with his.