Almost enough to make me want a kid of my own. Or at least a really solid talking doll. Not one of the peeing ones, though. That’s just creepy.

Your Morning Cry: Dad Comes Home From Afghanistan and Surprises His Daughter on Her Birthday [Jezebel]

My favorite part of this video existing is the YouTube uploader’s response to a question about why not that many people have seen this clip:

Shame on you, Internet society. Note to self: Google ‘Waving Bears’ daily as part of morning ritual. I don’t drink coffee, so I’ve got room on my schedule.

Awwwwwre You Kidding Me With This of the Day [The Daily What]

In related news, I’m writing a similar song to my girlfriend to apologize for my being home for the holidays. It’s the least I can do for her having to date me.

Marine Writes Christmas Love Song For His Wife [Buzzfeed]

Here’s how I envision my first hit single with that little kid going.

*BOMB SOUND EFFECT!* RUN THAT BEAT BACK RUN THAT BEAT BACK “GOOGY A RA RA TEE WAH NE WAH TA.” UH HUH YEAH “WIGY WA WAH EEE OO PA DA”

And so on, and so forth. I am not above exploiting a child for my first hit single and a career as the Usher of indecipherable little kid rap. Not even remotely above it.

This girl has the potential to destroy all of mankind when she gets older. At age four, she’s frightening grown men and then apologizing adorably enough to make her dad forget about it within seconds? Who knows what limits her powers will reach? All I’m saying is don’t be shocked when we’re erecting statues to this girl and chained up, pushing carts into mines for reasons not entirely clear to us in 14 years.

Four Year Old Girl Scares Her Dad [Viral Viral Videos]

I’m definitely not hating you if you just felt it get a little dusty in the room. Just think: Even five years ago, the best this dad could have done for his daughter was call her and read the story to her. You know how much gets lost in a reading of Farmer Mickey without the pictures? It’s only 1/10th of the emotional rollercoaster it is in this clip.

Spoiler alert: In the end of the book, Mickey gets squeezed out by a farming consortium and hangs himself in his barn. A kid’s got to learn about Big Agriculture at some point in her life.

PRE-RECORDED DAD READS BED TIME STORY TO DAUGHTER [Stuff I Stole from the Internet]

According to the maker of the video, the kids, Levi and Jasmine, have known each other and been close friends since they were four.

Is it wrong that I’m jealous of what these two kids have? My life of chasing down and occasionally waking up in bed with random girls is occasionally delightful (and sometimes like playing a genitalia-based game of Russian Roulette) but these two are rock solid. I don’t know how it reflects on me two look at two prepubescents as relationship aspirations, but I’m going with it anyway. This video will be new daily affirmation.

Adorable Children Plan Their Future [Buzzfeed]

That’s adorable and sweet and I certainly hope that, one day, my icy heart would make me feel so strongly about a woman that I’d be able to do something as thorough and touching at this.

At the same time, tethering this proposal to “Fast Five” seems like an odd fit. Was there no showing of “Last House on the Left” or a snuff film to show the trailer before? The audience clapped and cheered, but I imagine they’d have had the same reaction if he planted a bomb in her uterus, made a witty aside, then jumped away in slow motion while aided by a nitrous boost.

Public Proposal of the Day [The Daily What]

It seems like Elliott is innocent and all. But look at this screencap:

Play innocent all you want, Elliott, but I know that look. I made that look. I pull it all the time. That said, I could stand to learn from his jubilant fist pumps and bragging to everyone, though. My strategy of following up that first kiss with telling them you love them while sniffing their hair is clearly not working for me.

Also, props have to go to this little Bowie girl too, though I’m not sure we can say that was her first kiss. She pulled him in like a pro. If the clip were a little longer, there’d probably be some ear-biting and hair pulling. All sorts of female empowerment and girl power going on there.

OMG! Adorbz of the Day [The Daily What]

At the same time, man, babies are dumb. Did you know that people have been to the moon, baby? Or that people wield the power of a computer that needed to be the size of a skyscraper a mere twenty years ago in their cell phones? Of course not. You’re just there, burping and farting, yukking it up with your ripped paper. The weight of the world hasn’t hit you yet. But when it does, kid, watch out.

Enjoy the paper, young man. *scowls

Oh Man, This Dude Has No Idea [Videogum]

He’s got a more advanced moveset than most men twice his age. And he celebrates the same way I still do after making out with a girl. Chicks really respect it when you jump up in the air repeatedly and twirl around. Makes them really feel special. And allows me my dancin’ time. Win win.

All these hopes and dreams are cute and all, but sometimes you just can’t resist Roman Polanski’s charms.

Dramatic Little Girl: I Won’t Get Married Until I Have A Job [Viral Viral Videos]

Adorable. Though, admittedly, I was kind of creeped out that the chick bathing Iso seems to be losing clothing as the bath goes on. I have a puppy, I understand that they make a mess in the water. But the idea of being naked next to my dog just to avoid water splashing is terrifying. When you have a 50-pound monster with piranha teeth with a penchant for biting dangly things, the idea of being nude near that is not only creepy, but potentially life-altering.

But still…awww, puppy.

Puppy Taking A Bath In Slow Motion [Viral Viral Videos]

NBC should really give up the whole “trying to make new TV shows” thing and just do a show based on this. It’s not like “A Bunch of Ducks” would do any worse in the ratings than “Cop Show,” “Law and Order: Pie Town,” or “Single Lady Is Sassy in a New City and Career”. At least the characters have real emotion. And “quack” is a way better punchline than anything on “Outsourced”.

“A Group Of Ducks Is Blown Away By The Wind” [The Awl]

When reached for comment, my cat Nilla lifted her head off of the ground, meowed briefly, then went back to sleep. Which I’m pretty sure means, “Fuck those commies” in American cat lingo.

It really illustrates how unwilling to work we Americans are. Then again, most of our cats get food every day while these cats are either forced into feline prostitution for any tomcat with a dollar and a need, or they have to work just to survive. I’m pretty sure if you made me live in Russia, I’d be jumping off of stools through hoops if it meant not having to eat more potatoes and vodka. I already crap in a box half the time, I’m pretty sure I’ve got that part down pat.

If only she had emasculated her father or nagged him about taking out the trash or feigned a headache, then we could have pretty much proven that every female tendency is provided by nature instead of nurture.

I really hope that I don’t have a little girl when I finally have a child that I’m willing to publicly acknowledge. Not that there’s anything wrong with little girls, but they grow up so fast these days. I don’t think it’s far-fetched that within the next 10 years, seven year-olds will frequently be giving handjobs. But what’s the point of jerking off a seven year-old boy? Trust me, there isn’t much of one. Um, or so I heard. Yes. Heard.

I remember when my relationship was that new and my girlfriend would do the same as the dog. But now every time I have a nice thick doggy biscuit for her, she has a headache or isn’t in the mood to get a mouthful of treat. Young love.

You don’t really get the full experience without seeing the bear’s face though. Does he have a look of ecstasy? Or a look of disappointment in himself for getting to this situation with a dog? I’d imagine his bear parents can’t be too pleased if they found out. They just wanted him to settle down with a nice Orthodox bear girl. After all the school they sent him to and the way they raised him, I don’t think that’s so much to ask.

[via]

If you didn’t just go “Awwwwww” out loud then frankly you have no soul and should be raped by ducks (Fun fact: Ducks love gang rape). This cat represents everything that is good and wholesome on Earth. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if Scarfcat were really Jesus reincarnated with a pink hat and scarf grafted to his delicate kitty messiah body. Save us Scarfcat…we know not what we do.

[source]

The best part of the video other than the Roomba bullying the cats around? That fat titted little boy being shoved to the side by the mother who’s like “HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY ADORABLE CAT VIDEO YOU!! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT AS A DRIED SPOT ON MY STOMACH YOU LITTLE BASTARD!” That’s got to make him feel good all the time while his mom raises an animal kingdom and he’s stuck taking solace in Twinkies and jiggling his bologna bosoms. It’d be tragic if the kitties weren’t so cute. In fact, that should be kittens’ slogan: Kittens. So Cute You’ll Ignore Child Abuse.

I think it’s great what organizations like the ASPCA are doing, getting retarded dogs like this one into homes of people who f’ing torture it by putting toys in areas the dog can’t comprehend getting to. Sure, the dog could live on a farm and chase squirrels while frolicking in corn fields. Or it could be mocked by some creative assholes who enjoy saving the goodness of sugary drinks for far too long. The choice is pretty simple.

Just for the record I’m not opposed to mocking the human retarded mind you. If you want to tie a Ho-Ho to their head with a stick holding it just out of arm’s reach then have them run around chasing it and yelling gibberish and crapting themselves (the crapting themselves isn’t part of the game, it’s just what they do…like a mating a call. A smelly, messy, embarrassing mating call), then I’m all for it. But dumb dogs? TOO FAR, MAN. TOO FAR.