A new bride discovered that she’s allergic to her husband’s sperm.

Mike and Julie Boyde dated for two years and were then married. Their wedding night was the first time they decided to have unprotected sex, and that’s when things went wrong.

“Pretty much right after I knew something was not right because I was in a lot of pain,” Julie told ABC News . “The pain that I was feeling was inside, kind of like, somebody was sticking needles up inside of me and like a burning, like really painful burning.”

Julie said she would be in pain for days and that on a scale of 1 to 10, her pain was a 10.

“Was there something wrong with me? Was there something wrong with him,” she said.

Their situation has essentially rendered them unable to conceive as Julie’s body automatically destroys the sperm.

I think we’ve all heard those excuses before. “Oh, I’m allergic to it” “Oh I have a gag reflex!” “Oh, it got in my eyes, now I can’t see, help me! Wait why do I hear you walking away? Are you making a sandwich? I hear mayonnaise.” Psh, women.

Anyway, it seems obvious to me that the child would turn out to be a Satanic spawn, which is why it hurts so much. Devil jizz is like ghost chili hot sauce.

[My FOX DC]