Seriously, just look at her. Scarlett Johansson is a modern miracle. Though honestly, if I were a woman reading Allure, I’d be like, “Get this f’ing bitch out of my face” because there’s no way to compete with her. You’re practically a different species than she is. It’s like if you tried to play basketball against robots on pogo sticks or trying to make someone vomit faster than a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker.

It’s not an exaggeration when I say that I’d eat peanut M&Ms out of Scarlett’s ass. I’d even eat stuff I don’t like out of there, like peas or spoiled salmon or Ryan Reynolds’ cum. Really, whatever’s there, I’d take. This may be more of a reflection of my lack of clean dishes than desire for her, but still, it’s something.