Via Reddit comes this picture. It may very well be the best call to action for America to focus on what once made it so great that you’ll ever see.

It’s almost enough to take a bath in Coors Light while enthusiastically masturbating ]]>

Via Reddit comes this picture. It may very well be the best call to action for America to focus on what once made it so great that you’ll ever see.

It’s almost enough to take a bath in Coors Light while enthusiastically masturbating to Betsy Ross fan fiction. Granted, it doesn’t take a lot to push me towards that, but still.

I’m back! Did you all miss me while I was gone pirating the Caribbean? Of course you did. Who else is going to feed you random information about alcohol? The rest of the internet? Never heard of it.

While I have several stories to tell, a brewery to discuss, and ]]>

I’m back! Did you all miss me while I was gone pirating the Caribbean? Of course you did. Who else is going to feed you random information about alcohol? The rest of the internet? Never heard of it.

While I have several stories to tell, a brewery to discuss, and St. Martin’s favorite booze to share, I would be shirking my duties if I didn’t post this video. It’s a few days old now, so you might have come across it, but if not you are in for a fratastic treat.

Way to represent for America good sir! That would be impressive with any beer, but doing it with Bud Heavy it’s downright astounding. My only problem with this guy, and it’s a big problem, is that he’s wearing a baby blue Yankees hat. I don’t mind that he’s a Yankees fan, but I f’ing hate non-standard hats. If you want to be even more impressed, check out Pat Bertoletti chugging 1.5 gallons of Miller Lite.

via Reddit

I had the pleasure of attending the Beer Hoptacular in Chicago this weekend. With nearly 50 craft breweries represented, each with multiple beers to pour, it was a fairly incredible experience.

The downside to an event like this is that it was so crowded that I couldn’t ]]>

I had the pleasure of attending the Beer Hoptacular in Chicago this weekend. With nearly 50 craft breweries represented, each with multiple beers to pour, it was a fairly incredible experience.

The downside to an event like this is that it was so crowded that I couldn’t drink in any sort of logical order. Ideally, I would have liked to work my way up on the hoppiness scale or tried to take down everyone’s best beer first, but it just wasn’t feasible. Had I not just gone booth to booth like a brokedick trying to extract maximum value, I would have ended up sampling 20 beers instead of 60(ish). Unfortunately, all that jumping around between beer styles, not to mention the scotch and bourbon flights afterwards, left my stomach churning like a crazy beast at the end of the night. I lack the proper vocabulary to adequately explain it, so I found this video for you instead.

My stomach felt about like I imagine this guy’s did. While I appreciate a good beer, I also appreciate a good feat of drinking. Plus you have to love a guy that attributes his success to America. You sir, are a great patriot.

Yesterday we proclaimed this Penn State cheerleader back-flipping over a fire to be the “Osama bin Laden has been killed, let’s celebrate wildly” winner. Little did we know there’d be this video of a dude on an ATV shooting his gun, whooping, and wielding an American flag to ]]>

Yesterday we proclaimed this Penn State cheerleader back-flipping over a fire to be the “Osama bin Laden has been killed, let’s celebrate wildly” winner. Little did we know there’d be this video of a dude on an ATV shooting his gun, whooping, and wielding an American flag to celebrate. Ding ding ding.

So quintessentially American. It’s beautiful. If only he chugged a Coors Light, punched a Native American in the face, and laughed uproariously at the latest antics of Larry the Cable Guy, this would literally be everything that makes our country so great and horrible all at the same time. Brings a tear to your eye.

MY NEW FAVORITE OSAMA REACTION VIDEO [FilmDrunk]

Twitter is an amazing thing — within a few minutes of the Osama Bin Laden is dead rumors, I was able to jump off of whatever awesome show The Future Mrs. B was making me watch and fire up the news to see what the deal ]]>

Twitter is an amazing thing — within a few minutes of the Osama Bin Laden is dead rumors, I was able to jump off of whatever awesome show The Future Mrs. B was making me watch and fire up the news to see what the deal was. All thanks to keeping an eye out on Twitter.

Even  more amazing: Sohaib Athar (@ReallyVirtual), a tech guy living in Abbottabad, Pakistan, incidentally live-tweeted the attack on the Bin Laden compound.

Click to embiggen the photo, or cruise over to his Twitter site to see some of the various things he’s saying. My favorite?

Helicopter hovering above Abbottabad at 1AM (is a rare event).

The reason this is my favorite is because a) it’s the first tweet and b) I think about what I would be tweeting if I were this guy. Because it would probably be stuff like “OMFG. A helicopter at 1AM? Really Pakistan government? You don’t know I have to work in three hours?” Or something stupid like that.

Anyway, Athar continues tweeting:

A huge window shaking bang here in Abbottabad Cantt. I hope its not the start of something nasty :-S

Little did he know, right??? Athar quickly realized the helicopter in question was not from Pakistan and that led to his potential discovery that

Since taliban (probably) don’t have helicpoters, and since they’re saying it was not “ours”, so must be a complicated situation #abbottabad

He’s got a litany of tweets like this, where he’s describing a crash (a drone?) and a second helicopter and lots of noise and shooting and stuff. Then, late in the evening, someone found his tweets. And …

Uh oh, now I’m the guy who liveblogged the Osama raid without knowing it.

Which was quickly followed by:

and here come the mails from the mainstream media… *sigh*

The long and short is that Sohaib Athar is going to end up getting famous for about 15 minutes simply because he decided to move to Pakistan to “get away” (whoops) and tweeted a bunch of times when a helicopter flew over him.

Which is kind of amazing when you think about it.

Remember that wall being built in the Southwestern US designed to keep illegal Mexican immigrants out? Turns out it’s not that effective. In this video, two young women climb the wall in approximately fifteen seconds on their first try. AMERICA!

I fail to see how this is relevant to ]]>

Remember that wall being built in the Southwestern US designed to keep illegal Mexican immigrants out? Turns out it’s not that effective. In this video, two young women climb the wall in approximately fifteen seconds on their first try. AMERICA!

I fail to see how this is relevant to a real life application though. These girls aren’t even wearing sombreros or accompanies by a mariachi band. Of course it’s going to be much easier given that.

Time for a rebuttal, US government. I’m going to propose greasing up the metal, adding a moat with sharks, and possibly an automatic flamethrower. Then, to top it all off, turn it into a reality show. Time to show these people seeking opportunity what we’re made of!

Watch 2 cute girls undermine the entire US border strategy in less than 18 seconds. If any video should go viral, it’s this one. [Reddit]

This may be an ironic sticker, but in humor, we see the greatest truth of all…this sticker is why Korean kids are way smarter than our lazy American kids.

That’s why, as an American, I’m wholly afraid of foreigners. Every minute I rest, eat a sandwich, ]]>

This may be an ironic sticker, but in humor, we see the greatest truth of all…this sticker is why Korean kids are way smarter than our lazy American kids.

That’s why, as an American, I’m wholly afraid of foreigners. Every minute I rest, eat a sandwich, or shamefully masturbate to a racy issue of Woman’s Day magazine, they’re out there studying and working hard. That’s why we as a country are lagging so far behind. Well, that and the inherent ability to do math. That’s like being 6’1 and playing fourth graders in basketball. Or going to a high school slumber party with some wine coolers. I can attest to the success rate of at least 50% of those analogies.

[Reddit]

I had always thought MacGyver was all about using household items to stop explosions. Turns out the only explosions were the ones MacGyver would get in his pants from watching Captain Kangaroo.

Listen, so what if MacGyver’s bathing kids that don’t belong to him and getting all wet? It ]]>

I had always thought MacGyver was all about using household items to stop explosions. Turns out the only explosions were the ones MacGyver would get in his pants from watching Captain Kangaroo.

Listen, so what if MacGyver’s bathing kids that don’t belong to him and getting all wet? It doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile. Maybe he’s just a bath enthusiast. This kid has to learn a lot of important lessons in life. MacGyver apparently previously taught him that it’s okay for a strange man to wash his dingle, and now he’s learning how to disassemble a bomb. That seems like a fair trade-off. Shit, MacGyver can wash my ballsack if it means that I get a free lesson in preventing terrorism. That’s the kind of sacrifices I’m willing to make for my country.

Still though, this kid’s not even cute. You can do better, MacGyver. Find someone a little more tussleable. You deserve it.

[via]

An Indianapolis bakery is upping the ante on fattening foods and providing arguably the laziest development in fattiness yet. Say hello to our new friend, the Pizza Cone.

A group of investors and Italian inventors have handpicked a long-time Indianapolis bakery to help ]]>

An Indianapolis bakery is upping the ante on fattening foods and providing arguably the laziest development in fattiness yet. Say hello to our new friend, the Pizza Cone.

A group of investors and Italian inventors have handpicked a long-time Indianapolis bakery to help bring to the U.S. a newfangled food called Pizza Cone.

Pizza Cone is exactly what it sounds like: A cone made of pizza dough stuffed with ingredients like cheese, pepperoni and pizza sauce and then eaten on the go like an ice cream cone.

Taylor’s Bakery, founded in 1913, has signed an agreement with Hilton Head, S.C.-based Pino Gelato to be the sole producer of the cone for all of North America.

The equipment arrived at Taylor’s a few weeks ago and production is set to begin in a month.

“Everyone thinks it’s going to be the next hula hoop,” said John Allen, who runs Taylor’s along with his two sons, Matt and Drew. “It’s been very secretive and under the radar.”

Who is this “EVERYONE,” John Allen? What fat diabetic man with an eye for trends wired your house with a speaker and pretended that he was a higher power telling you that it was your divine mission to provide America with a f’ing pizza that you can eat on the go? And theoretically a slice and a half worth of pizza to go isn’t bad, but you know it won’t stop there. The cones will eventually end up the size of a roadside cone and we’ll all eat them vigorously while hating ourselves the entire time. It’s kind of ridiculous that with people poorer than ever, for the most part, we’re eating like we’re decadent hedonists being fanned by manservants. But on the plus side, PIZZA…IN A CONE! BUY BUY BUY HULA HOOP BUY BUY.

It also seems appropriate to throw in this SNL bit “Taco Town” here. We’re not that far, people. Whether that’s good or bad depends on whether you have fat covering your genitals like a Muslim woman, I suppose.

[source]

From this site comes an image of an essay about school lunch written by a sixth grader in inner-city Philadelphia. Is he prepared for real life? You be the judge.

For clarification’s sake, he’s referring to “turkey nuggets”, not black children who drive ]]>

From this site comes an image of an essay about school lunch written by a sixth grader in inner-city Philadelphia. Is he prepared for real life? You be the judge.

For clarification’s sake, he’s referring to “turkey nuggets”, not black children who drive trucks. Just to avoid any confusion.

I’m really proud of our American educational system. I mean, not only have we completely failed this child who’s bound to grow up to be, shall we say, a complete drain on society (or possibly a successful athlete), but we also published his complete embarrassment to the entire world. USA! USA! USA!!

I like camels and I like babies (not like that) so imagine how excited I am for Saudi Arabia that a marriage official says it’s totally cool to marry a 1 year-old!

Saudi marriage officiant Dr. Ahmad al-Mu’bi told Lebanese television viewers last ]]>

I like camels and I like babies (not like that) so imagine how excited I am for Saudi Arabia that a marriage official says it’s totally cool to marry a 1 year-old!

Saudi marriage officiant Dr. Ahmad al-Mu’bi told Lebanese television viewers last week that it’s permissible for girls as young as 1 to marry — as long as sex is postponed.

Al-Mu’bi’s remarkable comments also included an explanation that “there is no minimal age for entering marriage.”

“You can have a marriage contract even with a 1-year-old girl, not to mention a girl of 9, 7 or 8,” he said. “But is the girl ready for sex or not?” What is the appropriate age for sex for the first time? This varies according to environment and tradition,” al-Mu’bi said.

These Saudis are pretty freaking on the ball. Like they totally get that American society is moving in a direction that sexualizes teenagers so they twirl their big mustaches and go, “HA HA WE WILL SHOW AMERICAN PIGS AND MARRY OUR 1 YEAR-OLD GIRLS! THEN THEY WILL BE BIGGER THAN 600 HANNAH MONTANAS!”

My question is the dowry higher or lower with a 1 year-old? Because like it can go either way with them really. But you’re getting them really young so I guess there’s a lot of potential. I guess what I’m saying is that I want dowries in America. I don’t want to marry your ass for free. Not only that, but at a LOSS! I have to buy a ring and crap! What the f. Yeah, it’s great that I can get Diet Coke and whatever, but America sucks sometimes.