I’m all for having dogs be adorable and do cool tricks. But what’s the point of this? She could have easily reached twice to accomplish this. She doesn’t even seem to derive any joy from it any more. And what’s that second dog doing, apprentice work? This is a highly inefficient business. No wonder small business is being squeezed out in this country. Dogs doing the jobs of people who used to get paid to do this. Disgraceful.

Dog Delivers Receipt at Veterinary Clinic [Tastefully Offensive]

In related news, even when they’re doing something like this, dogs wearing pants still make everyone in a one-mile radius look like an asshole by proxy. Glad we could hash that out.

Amazing Pet Trick of the Day [The Daily What]

My favorite part of this video existing is the YouTube uploader’s response to a question about why not that many people have seen this clip:

Shame on you, Internet society. Note to self: Google ‘Waving Bears’ daily as part of morning ritual. I don’t drink coffee, so I’ve got room on my schedule.

Awwwwwre You Kidding Me With This of the Day [The Daily What]

Good for you, dog. You’re not trying to impress anyone, just living your life.

He’s kind of fat though. His cool dogsmanship is all well and good, but adult onset diabetes is no laughing matter. Healthy bloodflow is what’s really cool, kids.

Morning Fluff [The Daily What]

I really respect that dog’s hard work and dedication to his craft. Dogs love jumping around recklessly but now it’s like they’re honing their craft in a meaningful way. Why it’s almost like one of them saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes this weekend. Oh god. They’re coming for us, aren’t they?

Well, I for one am not looking forward to licking peanut butter off a dog’s genitals when they take over but I suppose we white men were due for a loss at some point. I’m just glad it’ll come at the hands of the dogs and not at the hands of the damn Eskimos.

Dog Parkour! DOG PARKOUR! [Videogum]

There’s obviously a lot to love here, particularly involving the cockatiel’s reckless attitudes towards sex. But my favorite part of the video is how he steps on his lady friend and walks on her back to get over and do his singing. “Sorry bitch, daddy’s got to get his Disney song in.” At least give her a towel and a bottle of water. Cockatiels, man. No class.

I just feel bad for the people who might run into the bison at a bar. Not only would that be horrifying, it’d be entirely too easy to mistake the bison for a regular girl from Edmonton. FACE!

Here’s a bison riding in a car [Filmdrunk]

I can’t blame the dolphin too much here. If a dolphin came into my house like these two people encroached on this dolphin’s house, I’d probably sexually assault it too. “What you doin’ here, lil darlin,” I imagine saying while looking laciviously at its blowhole. That dolphin would learn a little respect.

Dolphin Rape! [Buzzfeed]

My favorite part is how leisurely he does it. He’s really savoring the moment. Get that walrus a bubble bath and some Kenny G and let him enjoy himself. Damn selfish zookeepers.

Horny Walrus [Buzzfeed]

It’s all fun and games until Parkour Dog leaps up off a counter, flies off the wall, and eats your pastrami sandwich while taking a crap on your head at the same time.

In related news, I have a female puppy who’s adorable but completely clumsy. If this dog would like to make love to her, I’d have to allow it. Lest he get all up in my face as only he is able to do.

There is so much to love about this clip. A) The bulldog veers from indifferent to mildly ashamed flawlessly over and over again. B) The way he licks his lips…I think we’ve all been there, eh fellas? And, lastly, C) I am not entirely sure how I’d react if my dog stared at me and masturbated. I mean like, he’s not doing anything wrong. I’m not saying you have to help him out. But would it kill you to maybe show a little skin for man’s best friend? Probably not.

See? And we thought it was only Ceiling Cat who watches you masturbate.

The good of this video: It’s a dog watching TV like a human…I also really like the way he has his paw in his crotch as if he were Al Bundy…he’s watching a show that has a character who is a dog with human features. The bad: If you look closely, it kind of looks like a midget in a dog suit, which is freaking me the f-ck out. Life is a two-sided coin in that way.

For some reason, the recent Yogi Bear movie poster comes to mind.

I think if you see this at the zoo, you can say that yes, you truly got the wildlife experience. It may not be glamorous, but this is just an average day for a bear. Throw in a picnic basket and he’s pretty much set for the next six months.

I can only assume that once the video ended, the cat continued his humanness and held his crotch and walked off in shame with swollen cat testicles, only to rub one out and feel bad for himself. Oh cats, so like us!

I don’t exactly blame that puppy, mind you. If I saw her, I’d probably do the exact same thing. Might be slightly less adorable though.

That said, I hope the doggystyle puppy never sees this photo. There are few things quite as humiliating as you giving that girl the best you can and she’s completely unfazed by it. It’s like throwing a Snausage down a hallway.

Winner!! [Reddit]

Amidst all of the excitement of driving a car, running an errand, and completing running an errand, Gardner left Max in the scorching hot car.

Fortunately, Max was smarter than his owner and, after an hour stuck in the hot car, honked the horn incessantly until Gardner freed him from the car. After giving him some cold water and giving him a trip to the vet, Max was determined to be a little weak, but in good health.

According to local TV station WFMZ:

Donna Gardner said 11-year-old Max is not just a dog. He’s like another member of the family.

“You have to know Max,” Gardner said. “He’s a very smart dog and he just does things that I don’t think a normal dog does all the time.”

Yes, he does all sorts of things a normal dog wouldn’t do, like “not dying as a result of an owner’s negligence” or “avoiding mauling me after I left him in his muggy tomb.” Also, remind me not to be a member of the Gardner family. I’m pretty unlikable, so if this is how they treat a beloved member of the family, I’m imagining my birthday present would consist of a kerosene bath and a precariously balanced series of lit candles.

Dog Left In Hot Car Honks For Help [WFMZ-TV]

I know that the whole RickRolling thing has given Rick Astley a second grasp at fame (or, well, it did when people thought it was funny in 2007), but it has to kind of hurt him to see the relief in that cat’s face when he closed the phone and the music stops. Personally, I think this cat should start reviewing music for Rolling Stone. Or Pitchfork, since he looks a little hipsterish.

Cat Deals With Being RickRolled [Buzzfeed]

Related: Here’s a video of a larger cat named Speedo knocking the hat off of the kitten.

Even more related: Posting this video is a part of my job. Like, I do this. Posting a video of a kitten wearing a hat and eating ice cream in the hopes you’ll find it half as entertaining as I am. Could you imagine if you told someone from the 1940s, let’s say a worker at an auto plant, that someday someone would have a career involving posting moving pictures of a kitten wearing a tiny fedora and eating ice cream? They’d probably spit in your face and then go to the Whites Only water fountain just to spit in it again. Which really shows more about the intolerance of the time than it does about the absurdity of my job. You see, Fictional Man in the Past? We went to learn something about me, but instead, you learned a little too much about yourself.

Kitten With Tiny Hat Returns! (Without Speedo) [Buzzfeed]

The study of topi antelopes in Kenya’s Masai Mara National Reserve Park found that male antelopes snort and look intently ahead if an ovulating female begins to stray from their territory. This type of behaviour suggests to the female that there is predator danger ahead. Typical predators of the topi include lions, cheetahs, leopards and humans. When scientists examined the behaviour closely they discovered that the male antelope’s snort and intent look were a false call made to keep the female in his vicinity and there was no danger nearby. Rather than risk any danger of a predator the female stays within the male antelope’s territory, which increases his chances of mating with her.

Dr. Jakob Bro-Jorgensen at the University of Liverpool, one of the researchers behind the project, summed it up as:

“This study reveals a new weapon used by animals in the battle of the sexes: whilst it is well known that males sometimes use their superior strength to force unwilling females, it is a new discovery that they may also actively falsify signals to get their own way.”

I guess that’s an improvement? I mean, if I were a female antelope, I’d rather be told that there was a lion was coming or that the male antelope I was beating was a doctor rather than him just hopping on top as I have to stifle back my tears. God that’s depressing.

But yeah, there you go, gents. Be like the antelope. Just point at a random guy on the street and go, “It looks like that guy’s going to try to stab you!” Then start kissing her neck. She’ll be like, “Wow, this is totally protecting me! I’m so ready for him to ravage me!” Sounds like an easy win for all of mankind.

Male Antelopes Deceive Females to Increase Their Chances of Mating [Science Daily]
How male antelopes increase their chances of sex [BoingBoing]